A Heart Is A Heavy Burden

My name is Amber, and there is literally no organization to my blog.

[sunderwight]

Mulan AU where she does get caught by the other fresh recruits while she's bathing but Mushu helps her spin it like the lake is cursed by an evil lizard demon and will turn men into women if they stay in it for too long.

From there it's not actually difficult to get the other soldiers onboard with covering up the fact that poor Ping took one for the team and got afflicted by the vagina curse, especially since it would have been all of them if they hadn't gotten the warning ahead of time. So they agree to help him cover it up, because obviously the army's not going to understand.

Shang is... tentatively glad that the men are bonding and getting along, even if they continue to be deeply weird about it.

[great-art-and-a-purple-tongue]

Ling: Hey man, what's up— you've got boobs?!?!

Mulan: Uh, what boobs? Huh? Where did these come from?

Mushu: *facepalms and thinks quickly* (speaks from the shadows) I AM THE SPIRIT OF THE LAKE! BEWARE MY CURSED WATERS FOR THEY WILL TURN MEN INTO WOMEN!

Ling, Yao, and Chien Po: Oh no! The spirit of the cursed waters!

[scribeofchaos]

Chi-Fu: SHE'S A WOMAN LI SHANG!

Mulan: Look-

Ling, Yao, and Chien Po: WE CAN EXPLAIN!!

[One convoluted, chaotic explanation later]

Shang: ...is this why you've all been insisting we don't camp anywhere that doesn't have a lake.

Shang: and then none of you actually swim in it.

Shang: and you all keep jumping at shadows.

Shang: wait a second Ping did this happen before or after you became insanely good at fighting?

Shang: did you get better at fighting after you became a woman.

Shang: are women better at fighting than us.

Mulan: ....uh. well. maybe? no one's ever tried to find out.

Yao: [thinking very fast] y'know Captain it's just so hard to find recruits these days.

Chien Po: Real shortage of men.

Ling: Lots of women, though.

Mulan: [catching on] Without marriage prospects.

Shang: You're right, men. The spirits must have done this in order to show us that we should be recruiting women as fighters.

Mushu [from the shadows, seeing an opportunity to do the funniest thing]: EXACTLY, LI SHANG. I HAVE TRANSFORMED PING INTO A WOMAN BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOO LONG OVERLOOKED THE TRUE WAY TO WIN THE WAR.

Mulan [seeing an opportunity to get all the stories straight]: O Great Spirit, is it reversible?

Mushu: WHY WOULD YOU WISH TO REJECT MY GIFT? I HAVE SEEN YOUR HEART, CHILD, AND HAVE ALREADY ALTERED THE MEMORIES OF EVERYONE WHO KNEW YOU BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR THE ARMY. YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THEIR DAUGHTER.

Li Shang: Welp, the spirits have spoken. Ping - wait is your name still Ping if you're a woman now?

Mulan: Uh. Actually, I was thinking of renaming myself. How do you feel about Mulan?

BONUS:

Mulan [climbing out of the eleventh lake the men have arranged for her to swim in]: Yeah no, it didn't work. Still got boobs. [tries to appear dejected].

Chien Po: If it makes you feel better, they're very nice boobs.

Mulan: Thanks, Chien Po.

[chongoblog]

[chongoblog]

[annebrontesrequiem]

You know Hitchcock’s philosophy about audience suspense?

[licilou22]

We got another one boys

[supreme-leader-stoat]

[demiboydemon]

For speed runners, this is canon.

[bimboficationblues]

legal procedural about a sleazebag lesbian lawyer cruising divorce court to pick up emotionally vulnerable women by helping turn up dirt on their husbands

[caffeinewitchcraft]

"I was taught two things growing up before mama went to Vegas and never came back..." camera flashes to winning the slots and then an outstretched bloody hand and then a grave "that the only rewards we keep in this life are ones we work for" cut to MC stepping out of a nice car in front of a courthouse "and that everyone has a secret sickness inside of them"

"I took those lessons to heart. Two jobs in high school, doing other kids' homework, no prom...full ride for college. They didn't hand that to me either. I had to work for that too." (Montage of her laughing with admission clerk and then breaking into a computer to delete competitors) "law school was harder. No scholarships, no breaks. It got harder when the sickness set in." MC at a pool party with a ton of beautiful women hand feeding her grapes. The camera flashes on one woman in the corner who's sobbing into her hands and then back to the MC whose eyes narrow

"You never forget the first time you give in to the sickness" MC approaches the woman, sits down and whispers in her ear. The woman's eyes widen. "But once you give in..." MC walks away from sobbing woman, snagging a drink off of someone's poolside table as she goes "well, I guess my mama taught me one more thing."

Behind her, the woman is no longer sobbing. Shes staring straight ahead. Slowly, she picks up her phone. Types out one message. Sends it. The pool party erupts in message alerts. Shouts begin. People start accusing each other. MC takes her drink out to the parking lot, smiling. The camera goes back to the unnamed woman who is now Donny darko smiling at the chaos.

"Go big or go home."

Police cars show up as MC drives away.

The scene transitions back to modern day, courthouse. Another car pulls up and a woman dressed in rumpled business wear gets out. Our MC locks in.

"Smudged mascara...Manila folder clutched tk her chest. No lawyer then, representing herself...the sort of flush that only comes to a woman's face when she's caught somewhere between betrayal and despair..."

MC follows the woman to the courthouse. Right before going in, she turns to look at the camera. Smiles.

"That's what I'm addicted to. the moment she decides to fight. To defend herself. Burn the world, you know?"

(Montage of MC sitting beside evilly smiling clients as the judge bangs the gavel, men in opposing counsel yelling, red-faced screaming as MC walks her clients out of the courthouse)

"Yeah, that's the good stuff."

MC finds her target in the courthouse, flinching away from a man who must be her soon-to-be-ex and his suit-wearing lawyer. Without breaking stride, she goes up and puts an arm around the woman's shoulder. She sticks her other hand out to the two men, smiling.

She says, "Hi, I'm Cass Montenegro. Representation. So good to see you harassing my client already. Should make this easy."

Goes back to voice over as she stands there smiling, pulling her client into her side, and never taking her eyes off opposing counsel.

"There's still an awful lot of world left to burn."

Opening credits

[sometiktoksarevalid]

[catboygirljoker]

you can thank the generous supporters of my ko-fi for this finally being completed and seeing the light

[video ID: an AMV of various clips of Xigbar set to "Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels" by Todrick Hall. end ID]

[thetwilightroadtonightfall]

@nyctoheart

[gay-mormon-wizard]

maybe orpheus always looks back because his very effort to reverse death means that he can't look forward. if he could look forward, he could accept eurydice's death, grieve, and keep moving in life. his refusal to accept her death is looking back. his going down to the underworld, asking hades and persephone for her life, trying to lead her out... it's all 'looking back'. he does nothing for the entire story except look back. orpheus! looks! back! it's his entire thing! the story ends the same way it begins: orpheus looked back.

[grumpyjesterr]

on another note, watched The Mummy (1999) the other day and I couldn’t help  feel like the O’Connells and the Addams (Addams Family Values (1993) would get on really well ya know? The O’Connells are basically the pastel adventure version of the Addams, surely they would just be vibin’ over tea and crumpets in an extremely haunted mansion having a ball of a time

[grumpyjesterr]

Morticia: “So what is it you do for a living my dear?”

Evelyn: “We dig up dead people who often have monstrous curses placed on them!”

Morticia: “fascinating”

[grumpyjesterr]

Gomez: *leaping out from behind a pillar which is encrusted with ominous looking runes* en garde!

Rick: *grabs sword from equally ominous looking wall full of weapons one of which seems to be glowing* fantastic I was getting a bit rusty

Gomez: *nearly in tears* oh he’s screaming nonsensically, what spirit! what reslove!

[grumpyjesterr]

*Rick and Gomez, still frantically sword fighting*

Rick: Have I mentioned how wonderful my wife is yet, I really feel like I haven’t really expanded enough on how wonderful she is

Gomez: do go on, I would be delighted to hear about how wonderful your wife is, I strongly encourge all men to extoll the virtues of their wives with rapturous praise, however I should perhaps mention my wife is in fact better

*sword fighting intensifies as both men rapturously extoll the virtues of their wives*

[digitaldiscipline]

Jonathan and Fester and Cousin Itt watch from the bar, where Lurch and Thing are making the drinks.

[lemonsharks]

Jonathan and Thing knew one another from The War; each thought the other to be dead

Their reunion is highly emotional

[burntcopper]

Rick, whilst swordfighting:  My wife resurrected an ancient evil that brought about the plagues.

Gomez: What. A. Woman.

[catchyvideos]

OP theaverycottage on TikTok ♡

[emptyjunior]

If I was Denethor the second, Steward of Gondor I would not have sent my son to a council meeting to try and get a cursed ring- I would have sent both my sons out to Seduce Aragorn by any means necessary.

If I wanted the crown of Gondor and to secure leadership for my family for all time I would have said boys. Get out there. Make it happen. Fluff your beautiful shiny hair up. Make papa proud

[wisheduponastar]

you cannot just leave this in the tags @greatmolassesflood

[baggebythesea]

"Boromir, impress him with your manly charm and sexual charisma. Faramir, some guys are into pathetic wet sacks, I guess."

[ruffboi-mags]

Boromir: It's okay you're not a pathetic wet sack, you're just bookish and in touch with your emotions. Faramir: Really? Denethor from the other room: NO, YOU'RE A FUCKIN SAD SACK FIXER-UPPER, BUT WE'RE TRYING TO GIVE HIM OPTIONS

[teathattast]

[famylee83]

This man needs to be hunted for sport.

[gremlinzeeeeeero]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE MADE HIMSELF ONE TOO

[sometiktoksarevalid]

[babyjanedough]

Already know I wanna send this to people on June 1

[isuckattechnology]

Audio:

Erika, referencing ebenezer scrooge: You, boy! What day is it?!

Brennan, as a young boy: It's Pride, bitch!

[jabberding0]

Art by Luo Li Rong

[spaceshipsandpurpledrank]

[yuhi-san]

Thats the context for this meme???

[titenoute]

I feel like I've been robbed the whole time. This is magical.

[musicofthe-ainur]

Am I the only person who thought this was really fucking funny

[eleemosynecdoche]

A lot of the really funny moments in Lord of the Rings come from Tolkien playing with language like this, where we have relatively formal, archaic, “high” language responded to with informal, modern, “low” language. 

[modernclaire]

another hilarious example:

[lotrmusical]

my absolute favorite example of tolkien switching registers in this way is

[dukeofbookingham-deactivated202]