Midnight Reflections @12nightreflections-blog - Tumblr Blog

Hello my fellow writers I have a resource to share with you!

Last year, I challenged myself to write just 200 words every day, and I ended up writing more than 80,000 words (8000 more words than the annual goal!) throughout the whole year! How did I stick to this goal considering I have ADHD and struggle with executive dysfunction? I made a spreadsheet to keep track of it.

I made a customizable spreadsheet for anyone to do the same:

Word Count Sunday,Monday,Tuesday,Wednesday,Thursday,Friday,Saturday,Weekly Total,Until Weekly Goal,Cumulative Goal,Cumulative Progress Jan

(I'm not a programmer by any means, just an average spreadsheet user)

The first page is to record your word count. Off to the right, there's a box where you can change your daily goal. I have it set to 200, but you can make it whatever you want and the rest of the tracker functions should change to match it.

There are several different tracking features, such as the weekly goal tracker, a cumulative progress tracker next to it, monthly and daily trackers down at the bottom, and a tracker that adds up your yearly total.

The colors for the months are just something I added for fun and to help me make the monthly trackers. You can change the colors or get rid of them altogether. The daily trackers are also just for fun. They can help you see which days of the week you write the most on in the long run.

The second page is for you to track which projects you're working on. You can do whatever you want there. I like to color code when I start a project and when I finish one, but that's just a suggestion.

Anyway I just wanted to share because this really helped me build a habit! You don't have to write every day in order to meet your word count, and don't beat yourself up if you don't meet it.

For me, I stopped skipping days around the end of May and I started meeting my word count every single day in October because I realized that was the easiest way to meet the weekly word count.

Happy new year and happy writing :) Feel free to dm me with any questions!

12nightreflections-blog

Two Announcements! I have moved my Blog from Tumblr to Blogger. This in order for two things: Provide a more colorful and ordered platform for you to see and browse entries! Secondly, in the future I hope to get revenue from Advertisements! This is it: https://bdandmh.blogspot.mx/ Until now, I have the same entries I have posted in here, but in the future new entries will be coming! SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT! I have published my first Online Class with SkillShare! Click the link below to see my class and obtain 2 Free Month Premium Trial! By doing so, you’d be fucking helping me a lot with this new path I entered in! The class is about how to better manage your time with less effort thanks to the combination of two different Learning Techniques! https://skl.sh/2GOmEJn Just doing this will be really appreciated! Thanks for your continuous support, and I’d be updating everything soon!

12nightreflections-blog

#Skillshare #Skills #Teaching #Blog #Pomodoro Technique #Learning Principles #New Blog #Free Trial #Link

Short Entry #2 “Old Friends”

I remember times Where we talked and talked Without minding time or theme And where we enjoyed each other being there. Tell me what happened Where did that time go Why we ended up like this? I cannot understand Even though I do I just miss you I remember times Where we found each other Talking til after midnight And when we fought for one more hour Tell me what happened Where did that time go Why we ended up like this? I cannot understand I just can’t I really want that back And I know time changes New people come and go New adventures to follow up. And still I’ll miss you.

I’ll just do.

#Old Friends #Short Entry #BDt2 #Blog Post #Text #Written #Song #Poem #Dedication #You

Unsure

By Anonymous

I’m unsure of myself sometimes Because I’m forgetful and sensitive

Sometimes I can’t tell if I have a right to be upset or not. But I don’t want to be a pushover

I take care of kids for work But yet I don’t always know

I am not always so confident in myself.

What if I am wrong? What if I stand up for myself for no reason What if I make a mistake & I become the idiot?

I overthink things sometimes I honestly would stop if I could But sometimes I’m so nervous that I simply can’t.

It doesn’t happen all of the time. I’m working on it. I’m trying to be better every day. I’m trying to not think about every mistake that I could every think of (even from years ago), but it’s hard. I’m not saying that I won’t try.

I just want you to know that I am trying. That I’m not doing it on purpose. That I am not an idiot, not slow. That I am getting better each and every day.

#Anonymous #Anxiety #Feelings #Unsure #Text #Blog Post #Writing #Rant #Poem #Free Poem #Insecurity #Introversion #Outworld #Out of Place #12nightreflections #Midnight Reflection

“Emotional, Disrespectful, Ungrateful” Me

Anonymous.

Now that I am older, I have more control over my life: where I live, the choice to live by myself, what I can buy, what I can do.

But not to long ago, And every once in a while, I’ll feel guilty. Guilty that I may be “ungrateful” or “disrespectful” to my parents. Because I have been told time and time again growing up that I am such things, I start to believe it.

So sometimes I tell people about what happened to me growing up...The bad things. Not to get attention, but to see how they react. That reaction is what I need to remind myself. It’s to remind myself that I am sane and the bad things that happened, and sometimes still do happen, are bad.

It helps to remind me that I am not a bad person for defending my beliefs and myself, for thinking that the bad things that happened, and do still happen, are bad.

When I was growing up, I was told that I am “rich.” Because of the money that my parents make, somehow my life was all a dream and complete...

As if, somehow, a parent is just there to provide financial assistance.

It’s embarrassing sometimes because I still have nightmares about it. Even if I don’t think about it and am having a great day!

And I find it embarrassing because some people have told me or looked at me like it’s silly for me to be upset about my child-hood. That I need to “get over it.”

But I have.... I just can’t forget about it. And the bad things still happen.

It may seem silly for someone to tell you about these things. Maybe even ridiculous in your mind. But when someone decides to open-up to you, and tell you about something like this, It’s very hard for them. They want to trust that there will be someone kind enough to listen to them. Not to give them advice (unless asked).

They are entrusting you with their personal information, to listen, to be kind, And not to judge.

It may not seem hard to you, looking at them and hearing what they have to say, but they are telling you these things for a reason.

And when you need to talk about something difficult, you will have someone to be there for you too.

#Anonymous #Mental Health #Mental Condition #Blog #Writing #Childhood Memories #Hardships #Parents Behavior #Bad Memories #Trauma

BDt2 #7 “Self-Care”

We all know that exercising and healthy eating is awesome for our mental health. However, how much more enjoyable it is to stay in bed, eat junk food, and watch series all week-long? Not only that, but also, we do not crave or joyfully seek healthy behaviors. They require certain degree of effort and discomfort. Which, do not lie to me, we are not as willing to do (or have the energy to do so).

Taking care of ourselves means getting out of our comfort zone, and that is difficult. We need to compromise to ourselves to continue working through healthy behaviors. Little by little, climbing the ladder to a better self. A attractive way of saying it: Self-care is doing an effort for and to yourself.

Knowing this in a way gave me relief. I always punished me from not engaging in self-care, always thinking “You dumbass, this is going to make you feel better, and you know it. How the fuck do you expect to grow if you not even do things that WILL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD!?” I felt as though it was my responsibility given that, what the heck, if it is supposedly to make me feel better and I do feel better, why am I struggling and rampaging so much? Being told that it is a difficult task, and that effort is required helped me take that weight off my chest.

Now, I have a new way of seeing my approach to self-care. I no longer beat myself up for having hardships while trying to pursue healthy behaviors. I know it is supposed to be hard, to be a goal and a mean rather than a quick-fix I should want. Writing weekly is part of a healing process, and I am glad to know that some of you actually read me.

Having Bipolar Type II Disorder is always a mystery for my mood is always before my own judge. Putting myself goals, reminders, and some pressure is helping me managing and understanding better my mental states. This week has been a week of decisions in which I want to engage. Needless to say, I have beaten myself up thinking I am just making a fool out of me. Yet, I am here, writing, doing exercise now for one week! (10 minutes, but daily), learning, setting me goals, TAKING NOTES! (This is a huge improvement for me...I NEVER take notes), as well as trying to wake up earlier, sleep earlier (a little bit), and more...

It seems a lot when I read it or hear it In my head. Yet, I always end up believing I am doing NOTHING for myself. So Hey, now you know. Self-care is important, and you should go and better yourself. Just remember that it is actually hard, it is an effort that you must do. So do not beat yourself up for failing or not doing it. It requires many attempts and a step-by-step determinative will to pursue. If you wan to know from where I learned this, just go to this video of Ana Akana (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zc7G6MJISaI).

Share your thoughts with me! You know the rest! ;).

#BDt2 #Bipolar Disorder Type II #Bipolar Disorder #Mental Health #Self-Care #Mental Condition #Writing #Blog #Effort #Healthy Behaviors #Difficult #Hard #Engagement

BDt2 #6 “Understanding”

“Because you are more like a normal person than a mentally ill”

Sometimes, people do not say that as a compliment. There are many contexts by which the meaning of the above sentence would change. In this case, (forgive me if I'm wrong), I felt it as “I don't think good about you.”

One of the things with which I've always struggled is precisely having Bipolar Type II Disorder. It is not a very notorious condition. It just does not stand out. I do not remember where I read it, but it was that people with this condition may pass many times as normal people, and that they would never know they have a condition, not until they go to a psychologist, and even then, not until a hypo-manic episode breaks through. Something similar applies to BD I, they may be misdiagnosed as Major Depressive Disorder. If there is no a outstanding notorious case of Manic Episode, it tends to pass unnoticed.

And it angers me a lot. Because I see myself, analyze myself, and I always wonder: “Maybe He misdiagnosed me, maybe I invented it out, maybe I'm just weird but normal nonetheless”. And this happens not once, but many many times, and much more recently, a couple years back. Yet, I know it is not that. It was not just a random person, it was a PhD. Psychiatrist. And, above all, I know how I feel. I get upset pretty fast. I am a mixture of sadness and angry feelings all the time, with which I struggle a lot and try to be better every day. I try to not judge, I try to understand (even if I fail). I try very hard. I know I must be doing something wrong, but I feel like I am giving steps forwards.

In one short conversation, I feel sad, angry, irritated, choleric, happy, in love, calm, condescending, etc. And my instinct tells me to just respond quickly. But whenever I do that, bad things tend to happen. But also if I think throughly, that does not seem to make it a lot better.

Having any mental condition is hard, but one thing we should all be aware of, is that every condition expresses itself differently. They tone every word, action, picture into different colors, some of which do not make many sense. For me, it is always a struggle. I do not read answers one time. I read them, reread them, rereread them. This is when I know my feelings start to pop really up. I need to, because I know that my answers are not going to be the best ones. I am impulsive, very impulsive, so I try to manage it. I am full of doubts, but I do not see that as a bad thing. I feel certain about very few things in life, and I feel safe knowing them.

I feel as if I am making everything up. I have no major incidents since 2009, so maybe I'm wrong and I'm indeed "more normal”. I do not know. And I know I have weird thoughts and dull mentality. But it is what I believe. Sorry for this rant.

Have a nice night.

#Rant #BDt2 #Bipolar Disorder #Writing #Mixed Feelings #Mixed Episodes #Normality #Feeling Normal #Doubts #Self-Doubt

Anxiety is Real

By Caroline Pagette

Anxiety is real. As time goes by, some things get easier. I am a happy person. Yes, I am sensitive. No, I am not depressed. Sometimes I have to remind myself to keep the past in the past and keep moving forward, but I can’t help but inform people. The more people that I meet, the more that I feel it’s important to speak out about anxiety. It is real and so many people like to make fun of it and call people weak or “pussies” or other horrible things that make us that have it feel like we are crazy. But the truth is, we aren’t crazy. And the people that say that anxiety isn’t real are your friends, your counselor, your family, the police, your significant other, your professor. They are people that are otherwise kind and maybe just ignorant or maybe just assholes.

I would like to share a personal encounter with everyone. One of my ex-roommates came back from studying abroad..a new roommate. I was in my room with the door closed and locked. She didn’t tell me when she was coming back. She didn’t say anything right away. She kept banging on my door and then she would stop for a minute or so and come back to bang louder over and over again without saying a word until I shouted “I will call the police if you don’t stop.” She stopped so I didn’t call the police. They later questioned me as to why. I thought that the police would be mad if I called. I was so scared that I was shaking and messaged my friend to come over. I could not leave my room and get out of my apartment without them there. I couldn’t open my door.

Days later...

I am in the living room when she walks into the apartment yelling and threatening me. I try and remain calm as best as I can and hold on. She goes to her room, but doesn’t close her door and it’s in the way of my room with my keys. My body freezes up and I start having difficulty breathing normally. I feel like she could hurt me. Even though Shan doesn’t have a gun, I feel terrified. On the outside, I must sound so calm, but I can’t even think straight to find the non-emergency police number and end-up dialing 911. I say quietly into the phone that “it isn’t an emergency, but I need a police officer here,” but it feels like an emergency. I just don’t want them to make fun of me like before. As calmly and quietly as possible, I then call my mother who immediately starts yelling at me when a I try to explain to her the situation...that I am scared and am hyperventilating and shaking and crying.

The police arrive...several police officers and an EMS. The EMS guy comes to me and is trying to calm me down. He tells me that I am having a panic attack. My roommate is in the living room with the police...right in front of me. I am crying so hard and shaking and not breathing properly and asking the EMS guy if I am crazy over and over because I am so scared and embarrassed and there are so many police officers and starring at me, my roommate is right there. I am so so scared. I feel like I am dying. I actually feel like I am dying. The EMS guy is so kind. The only kind person. He tells me seriously that if I don’t start breathing regularly then I will pass out. He is trying to help me and is responding to me and telling me that I am not crazy. While this all is going on, while I am crying and shaking and EMS is checking my heart-rate, one of the many police officers chuckles and says “If you knew that you are like this, why do you have a roommate.” I wish that I could explain to him why at the time...that I felt so stressed and awful and guilty that my mom had been helping me financially while in college. That I wanted to help out with the cost by having a roommate. That I didn’t know that this would happen. This being, my anxiety. But I couldn’t. I am immobile. I am shaking. A million thoughts are going through my mind. I can’t think straight. I can’t stop it.

For the longest time, to this day I felt ashamed and embarrassed and crazy and scared and stressed out and there was nothing that I could do. There was no one that I could talk to.

With all that is going on when you have anxiety or an anxiety attack, you don’t want to feel crazy and ashamed and blamed. One should never have to. So keep that in mind when someone talks to you about their anxiety. The best thing that you can do is to be kind and listen Don’t give advice, just listen. That may not solve everything, but it helps a lot.

#Anxiety #Mental Health #Mental Condition #Caroline Pagette #Writting #Blog #Text #Police #Roomate #Panic Attack

BDt2 #5 “Learning About Me”

If you have a Mental Condition, you know there are two moments in your life: Before you Knew It and After You Knew It.

At both of these Moments, there are things you notice that are peculiar about you, and things that you do not notice. Before, you may think about why you have those peculiar characteristics and just accept them. However, afterwards, you are left wondering one of three things: Am I imagining it? Is this because of My Mental Condition? Is this Me? And the worst of it: This which I have tought it is part of me...is it actually due to my Mental Condition? And those questions often haunt us for some time until either it breaks us or we just accept them for what they are: Just Things About Us.

Howbeit, one often finds relief when you learn that a peculiar thing about you may be attributed to your condition instead of just “yourself”.

According to Zhang, Wang, Zhu, Ma, Shen, Fan, & Wang (2017), one of BD characteristics I’ve not mentioned is that it is presented with “severe impairment in executive functions, including inhibitory control” (p. 2). What does this mean?

First, according to Cooper-Kahn & Dietzel (n.d.) executive functions is a term used to describe mental (neurological) skills which control our thoughts directed towards goals (mental control) and which help regulate our emotions/thoughts to be adaptable and tolerable (Self-regulation). And, secondly, inhibitory control is the ability to control impulses and attention direction (National Survey of Child and Adolescent Well-being, n.d.).

In other words, people with BD have problems controlling their thoughts as well as their physical and physiological responses to external stimuli. An example of this is that I have great difficulty focusing my attention for a determined amount of time as well as being “still”. I need to be moving, to have something in my hands, move my feet, my body or my thoughts in any direction. I CAN manage myself to remain calm and steady, but it requires above-average effort to do so. This is something I did not notice until after knowing about my condition, for I never fully realized I was always moving or thinking more than others. The closer I am towards a hypo-manic episode, the more I need to be moving. The closer towards a depressive episode, the more my thoughts move (but not racing).

Now, coming back to Zhang et al. (2017), specifically to BD II, the depressive episodes are more chronic, stay longer. In addition, it has more correlation with neuroticism (feelings of anxiety, worry, mood-changes, moody).

Once I was told that my life was actually very lucky, and that very few things that went wrong in my life could be attributed to my condition. Most things were cause my recklessness and me thinking myself above others or my decisions. I do not disagree with this statement, but I was always left to wonder how truth it was. Indeed I cognitively know how my life has been. I have encountered more good people than bad, most than often find myself in very beneficial situations in which I have come out winning the best part of the deal. Finally, things seem always to go my way. And, btw, I have actually chose bad decisions which led my life to somewhere where I didn’t find joy. Nonetheless, even though this is true, when I think back on my life, it is always toned more with darker colors. Some of this out of my decisions, but overall, I often feel that I have always felt way worse than I should’ve have felt and made worse decisions even though I should’ve thought better things. Given what I’ve learned about BD II, I ask myself constantly “How much blame is on me?”

At the start of this blog I told you I was going to talk about my writing. Let’s end this entry with that topic. I often noticed the messiness of my handwriting, which sometimes was worse than other times. I also noticed how my thoughts heavily influenced the pace at which I wrote, mattering not the topic. After knowing about my condition, I began to notice that a way of knowing I was having an episode (being it Hypo-manic or mixed), is by how I was writing. If the words were difficult to write, with more grammar mistakes, I knew I was having one. If my hands were trembling, or if my handwriting was more tiring and forced than usual...It was a good way to follow my states, for when I was depressed, I noticed longer words, heavier vocabulary, and more cohesion between my ideas, more Lyrical (Some of you know what I’m talking about [...those who have read other stuff I write xD]).

Learn about yourself. It helps when dealing with things you really cannot know the answer to even after thinking about them too much. It is also helpful to know how you differentiate yourself from others, and how to take advantage of it. Your condition will be there...then, it is a part of you, not outside you.

Send your suggestions, own posts, and remember I am here to help. I also accept any donations and can do research, post articles, and more :).

References:

Zhang, B., Wang, J., Zhu, Q., Ma, G., Shen, C., Fan, H., & Wang, W. (2017). Hypnotic susceptibility and affective states in bipolar I and II disorders. BMC Psychiatry 17(362), 1-6, DOI: 10.1186/s12888-017-1529-2.

Cooper-Kahn, J., & Dietzel, L. (n.d.). What is Executive Functioning? LD Online: The educators’ guide to learning disabilities and ADHD. Retrieved from: http://www.ldonline.org/article/29122/

National Survey of Child and Adolescent Well-Being (n.d.). Inhibitory control abilities among young children in the child welfare system. National Data Archive on Child Abuse and Neglect (NDACAN).

#BDt2 #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar I #Bipolar II #Blog #Writing #minor depression #mixed episodes #physiology

My Work Life

By Caroline Pagette

I have ADHD. It’s mild, but I have it. It is part of who I am. Yes, it is neurological. It’s something that physically happens in my brain. With it, I also happen to have anxiety. No, I cannot control either of the two and medication cannot magically “fix” it. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. It all started in college, when I started questioning about how my anxiety and ADHD will affect me getting a job. Am I obligated to inform my future employers? Will that cause them to fire me or treat me differently? I asked a counselor and a career supervisor and my mom and they all said completely different things. “DO NOT tell them! You don’t have to tell them anything? If you tell them, then they can help accommodate you.”

Fast forward to a couple of months after graduation. I got a job as a hostess at a five-star hotel. I was thrilled just to get a job! The manager made me feel special that first day and the people working there were very welcoming. All but the hostess training me and soon to be my manager. After only five days of working there, I was still learning how to work the computer system, but working hard and getting better nonetheless. The phone would ring and I was in a race against time to get what I needed on the computer or the menu. What can I say? I am a people pleaser. I was so nervous about making mistakes that I even almost fainted. I had to take a seat and a glass of water. Sounds pathetic, right? But that’s what anxiety will do to you. After less than two weeks of work, at the end of the night, I was asked to speak “privately.”

Gosh, being asked that is the kiss of death! I felt like a child being punished. “What is wrong with you,” I was asked. Stone cold! What do you say when that happens? People can be cruel. I told her that I would come in early without extra pay to learn the computer system and she said that it was “ridiculous.” So here I am jaw dropped not knowing what to say. I get home and cry like a baby. I come back the next week and quit. It took all of my energy to get through those doors. I was absolutely terrified to feel so ashamed like I did that night. One could always tell me that I needed to suck it up and worrying that others would think that just made it worse.

Fast forward months later. In one day, I found out that I might get three jobs. One to make money, another to gain work experience, and another (unpaid) to gain experience. I can’t even explain to you how excited I was, but, at the same-time, it was like INFORMATION OVERLOAD! My brain was going a million miles a minute and I couldn’t fall asleep until maybe four in the morning. I kept making financial calculations, schedules, plans….WOW! I needed some time to process everything. I need some time to process everything! I’m excited, nervous, and for once maybe even prepared. After being called an “inconvenience,” and taking several months a support from an ex’s mom, (Yes, I did just say that and yes, she is pretty cool!) I think that this might be it! I think that I’ll be okay.

********

Today we welcome a new member of this team! Be sure to read her for she’ll too be around here for a while! As always, remember I am at your service and you can submit your own posts and ideas. I also tutor on writing, and I can write articles, research, proofread, and more. Stay strong!

#ADHD #Anxiety #Blog #Writting #New #Text #Story #Mental Health #Mental Conditon #Caroline Pagette

Short Entry #1

Hey guys. It seems like I will continue with my original plan of posting once every week. Yet, I am writing this short entry to inform you of some stuff in my life.

First of all, my computer almost catch on fire (? Hence, I have no computer of my own :’( (Any donation is welcomed... (???))

Secondly, I will be searching again for some jobs online about blogging. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to sent them.

I am still feeling normal, which is a blessing. However, I am beginning to feel irritated and also as though I am always sleepy. Probably a beginning to a mild depressive episode.

One thing about mental conditions is that their symptoms are classified accordingly to what psychologists observe. It is actually hard to accurately measure if someone has a mental condition or whether it is presenting itself in a particular way. For example, depression is often related with sleeping very much, while the fact is that in the DSM-V, we can see the symptom of depression is sleeping very little or a lot. It is an unusual sleep pattern.

The same applies for many symptoms in many conditions. It is not one extreme or the other, but rather an extreme-unusual from our normal life, which is interfering with our functioning. The most important aspect of the conditions is that it is actually negatively impacting ourselves. Most of the conditions have this as a requirement for being diagnosed. Just remember that if sometime you feel as though your condition “doesn’t match”, what it is important is two things: 1) It is affecting you, and 2) It is not something you would consider “well-being”. Thanks for hearing.

#Short Entry #Text #Blog #Mental Health #Mental Condition #Symptoms #Extremes #Normality

BDt2# 4 “At the Middle”

As of right now, I do not have much to tell about my life. Actually, I am making an effort to write this short entry given that I am not as inspired as before. This is normal for everyone. We all have our ups and downs of inspirations. More than that, we all have different energies in different moments.

...

I am not in any kind of mood. I feel normal. Which, for anyone of you who identifies with a mental condition, know is kind of a celebration. I do not feel particularly bad or good. I can actually feel like I want to do whatever the fuck I want to do and not feel pressured for being sad or energized.

Having BDt2 and being at the middle is a peculiar experience. I woke up today at 7 am after sleeping at 3 am. I normally sleep 4-5 hours daily. It is not good...but I honestly dislike how short the days seem to be. Well, i woke up and went to see my girlfriend (she lives crossing the border of my country). I spent the travel hearing music and mildly playing Age of Ishtaria, a mobile game I am obsessed with.

I have noticed that the days in which I feel normal, I often hear music. Other way to say it is that I can’t find enjoyment in hearing music if I am feeling way up or way down. When I am way up, music irritates me. When I am way down, I lose interest in music. Yet, when I am normal, I enjoy hearing the lyrics and tones that the music produces in my ears. I even sang today! It has been a long time since I dared to sang with joy.

My point is that being normal when you have BDt2 feels as if you are seeing the world in a completely different nature. Your thoughts wander to places that you often do not wander, and, with effort, can accomplish your short-term goals. It feels good. After being in a state where everything seems wrong or where everything seems very slow, feeling normal is refreshing. This state doesn’t often last more than a couple days, and I wish it would last longer.

People with Bipolar Disorder experience the world differently than the common population. In fact, we tone up the colors of our experiences. If something is sad, for us is sadder. If something is happy, for us is happier. We experience the world as if everything is some tones above the normal range, and this is one reason people often find our reactions weird or different. We are actually enjoying or suffering more than they would from the same experience. For Type 2, this may just seem as a characteristic of sensitivity, but its in fact part of our condition. The experience is also toned up depending on our current mood, so yeah...that’s why lows and highs are so extreme.

This means that even if I am feeling normal right now, I know that I am experiencing more joy from it or more sadness from it.

I need to look more into the peer-reviewed articles to give you more detailed answers, but I believe I will give it to you in the Video Blogs I want to start.

Remember that you can submit your ideas and/or own entries you want me to publish here. Ask anything, and any donation is appreciated. I also proofread and write articles if you require my services.

As an announcement, this week we will have a new member publishing her blog. So, expect it!

#BDt2 #Bipolar Disorder #Blog #Writing #Normal #Middle #Feelings

BDt2# 3 “The Other Side”

(That moment when you were writing and your post just got deleted.) As I was saying, before my fucking Internet decided to prank me after writing down my fourth paragraph, I was saying that last time I wrote about one of BD II main characteristics: Irritability.

It appears both in depressive and manic episodes as well as in the transitions between. One of the things you may not have understood from last post is how much this can go up. There are days, like the one before yesterday, where you actually feel rage against everyone who dares saying something to you that you may not welcome. You can feel your blood burn and your head heating up, thinking, not for the first time, but with very vivid tones, that you want to beat up that person to shreds. Doesn’t matter who that person is. And you know it is not your usual thoughts. You even know that your rage is unjustified. Even if it is justified, you can feel that those thoughts and feelings do not belong there, but you feel very capable of acting upon them unless you breathe deep and calm your mind.

That same day I experienced the other side of the symptoms of Hypo-mania. It is not only feelings of invincibility, an attitude of “doing”, and rush of energy to use. It is also waking up to discover that your heart is not at rest. It is not as bad as those who deal with anxiety, panic attacks, or the like, but your heart is pumping and pumping fast, and it stays that way all day, or most of the day. You know it will be one of those days. Your thoughts are not in place. You do not recall what you want to do next, or if it is what you should do next. You want to try doing everything at once. Your thoughts are racing, deciding if you should play World of Tanks or try to hang out with someone or write or try to play your other game or began to job hunt again or help in your house...or...or....you get me. All of these thoughts happening while you are playing World of Tanks but your head is not in the game; yet, you can’t stop playing. What time is it? I have so little time to do everything (It is 11 a.m. in the morning).

Even if you try any activity, you discover that you will not be able to do anything right. Your hands are trembling, so you can’t write peacefully. Your mind is unfocused, so you can’t stay in an activity long enough. Somehow, I calmed down, and was able to play decently. I wanted to do everything, but I felt like wanting to do nothing at all. Those days are of the worst, for I feel like I should be doing something; and despite this, I also feel that there’s nothing I can do.

I cannot name this episode as an hypo-manic episode. They are not so close to one another, and they do not present falls as quick and drastic as the ones I felt. Yesterday it was the complete opposite: I felt like my energy was drained, like I would not be able to complete any task in which I gave my time, like I was not the person I should’ve been, and that I was of not help whatsoever to anyone. (Still I am proud that I indeed made me some fried eggs with rice) A Mixed episode is how you may call it. They tend to present themselves more in BD I than in II, but they are cycles in which you experience symptoms of both ends.

If you have any cycle-like condition, you end up learning that you cannot completely trust your thoughts and feelings. Even more, that those feelings come in cycles. Every person has cycles; every person feel different things at different times, and people change all the time. We are in-congruent. Yeah, this is true, but there’s something special about cycle-like conditions...changes are not transitive but sudden.

You try hard enough to conserve the feeling of openness. You write it down and refresh your memory every moment you can; still, one day some weeks later, you discover that there’s something wrong with your realization. You can’t “feel” why it happened or how it had “changed” you. And it does not happen one time. That same revelation frustrates you, since you know you have had it before. How the hell do you mess that up!? It also happens with depressive thoughts, for they disappear after a while.

It becomes a frustrating routine. Indeed, your life is actually quite stable. You do not have many problems. You can rationally think of yourself as a member of society whose life is not a hot spot for the community. Hey, other people consider you one of the most healthy persons they have known! Still, you can’t shake the feeling that you experience life in such a blurry nature with thoughts and feelings that you had before but at the same time never feel like you experienced them. It is a contradiction, but you feel that way, and it repeats itself.

The good thing is that you can notice that you can change and grow. But is a very slow process, which requires so much of your effort. But hey, is very rewarding when you look back and see that you actually changed the cycle in some way.

***Later I will tell you about how I identify my mood changes. Remember that I can do research for you, write articles for blogs, proofread essays, and more! Also, you can submit your own posts and I may publish them here! Write your Pseudonym (if any)!** To the anonymous ask: I wrote an answer, but it got posted in the blog. Then I couldn’t answer it directly, and I deleted it by accident. Thanks very much for being the first! Hope you’ll like my entries!

#BDt2 #Bipolar Disorder #Writing #Blog #Mixed Episodes #Cycles

BDt2# 2

I was saying before that I was going to write about what it is to have Bipolar Type 2 Disorder and other stuff from my life. Well, I do have something to say now (even though I was just saying I’ll update once per week...)

As of right now I am just stabilizing out of a minor depressive episode which began a couple days ago. I wanted to write before about this depressive episode, but I was too lazy to actually do it (or was I?).

I barely remember the feeling presently or the memories associated with it. Yet, I can explain certain major points about it. Before this minor episode, I was happy to encounter one new unexpected friend and to begin talking more with some older friends. I was not in my hypo-manic state; hence, I felt quite good to be exploring the world around me a little bit more. However, once I felt The Blue descend upon me, I suddenly went tired of talking to these friends, even feeling grumpy about engaging in conversations with my family or my girlfriend. I just wanted to play World of Tanks and see videos (series/anime/etc) without interacting with anything meaningful or others.

It is not a feeling I enjoy, and it drains my energy as well as deploying my plans. The worst of it is not the sadness itself, but the mental lagoons that are created. It becomes hard to remember which plans I had before the episode, or what things I have learned during and before the episode. After the episode, I can begin again, but I need to rediscover what I’ve learned and wanted to do. It is not that I do not remember days/hours, or that I lack my memories. It rather is that my thoughts become mixed and puzzled together in a little maze. They are all still there, but I cannot grasp the complete idea. I know...it is hard to explain, right? But I know some of you understand what I am speaking of: The Mind Maze. Let’s call it that way.

I wrote about feeling grumpy. Well, guess what? Irritation is a symptom of both Depression and Bipolar Disorder. In Depression, entering or staying in an episode causes irritable mood on the person. This also applies to the depressive episodes of Bipolar Disorder Type I and II. Yet, irritable mood is also a symptom of mania and hypo-mania in addition to existing in between the transition of one state into the other. You can guess how it is my day-to-day life: there’s always a reason for me to get mad over something. This is potentiated in the peeks of the depressive and hypo-manic episodes, but it is part of my life. I can feel grumpy because my sister calls my name or because my mother mops the floor, or even because my girlfriend wants to go to sleep. I mean, it feels stupid, but I get mildly irritated about almost anything.

In the past, I didn’t actually understood this, so my family lived a nightmare when with me. I let out all my anger and my irritation with them. It was normal for them, so it was never something that jumped to huge fights, but I know I did not let them rest a lot. After I understood that I got irritable, and that I should find a way to steam off, I began calming with my family. I still give them fights, but it is way less than before. It is possible the symptom I hate the most about my condition, for I know I do not want to be mad all the time, but I almost always am irritable. That I have learned to calm down and ignore it, does not mean that I do not feel it...

So that was my experience these past days. As of today, I feel somewhat more calm and happy, which is good, but I have difficulties dealing with managing my time and activities. I hope that I will get a grasp of them.

Somewhat later I will talk to you about something that happened today that is an example of a panic attack, and much later on I will talk about how my feelings affect my speech and writings. Hopefully you can share your thoughts too. You are welcomed to do so. Have a nice night.

(I haven’t found a clear reason as to why Irritation is a symptom of these mental conditions, but once I have a clearer idea, I will inform you all.)

** Remember that you are free to suggest topics that I can research and write about in this blog and to ask me anything you may want. I also freelance as an essay proofreader and as an article writer if you ever need my services.**

#BDt2 #Bipolar Disorder #mental health #blogger #Blog #irritability #minor depression #depression

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