It is kinda fucked how being ace or aro pretty much automatically means youāre isolated, even from your queer peers.
To be clear (and this isnāt an indictment of any of yall), I wasnāt talking about Ā«Ā bigotryĀ Ā» or Ā«Ā infightingĀ Ā».
I meant more to talk about how when youāre aro, thereās this whole side of relationships, those that are lauded as the Ā«Ā most powerful bondsĀ Ā» that you donāt have access to. Youāre effectively barred from getting to close to people you know? How must it feel, to know yourself secondary in all relationships? If all you can have are friends, how do you cope with the expectation that all those friends could leave you to live with a partner?
And when youāre ace, especially when otherwise queer (like, being transfem), you have to reckon with the fact that no matter what, thereās a facet of socializing that you canāt access. This goes into relationships too, of course. What do you do with partners that expect some degree of sexual reciprocation? What do you do, when flirting, playing with desire, is so common in your community? Do you just accept youāll be isolated from your peers in a tangible way? Is that even something you can accept?
I canāt claim these are the worst things the world does, nor to have solutions. But, when connecting with people, and doing so deeply and fully is predicated on relating with them, sexually or romantically, and you canāt do that. What do you do?
And worse, can you even speak up about it? What if you do, and your friends see it, and they think, in their kindness, I shouldnāt interact with this person sexually/romantically. What do you do if talking about it gets you isolated, by people who are trying to be kind?
Stars. Iām holding all of your hands. Weāre not alone. We have each other
I think for me it's about how the broader queer community just... forgets us. The idea of falling in love and finding a romantic partner or partners is extremely prevalent, especially within transfem communities.
So often there's this unspoken assumption within transfem communities that we're all sapphic in some way, which is especially alienating to me as someone who very much is not. It's not a conscious erasure either; I'm sure if you were to point this out, many would be quick to point out that they support aspecs. But clearly not enough to question their unconscious biases.
I just wish more transfems took the time to unlearn amatonormativity. Because at the moment, it's hard to feel welcome in a community that forgets I exist.
