I lost my other phone. I know it's somewhere in my house. I am so tired of losing things. It's a constant battle.
I know I need to clean and make those dishes but things keep coming up during the day and before I know it, it's already past 5:30 and I need to have it all prepped and started cooking at 5.
I'm just so frustrated. I started my youtube channel again. It's not strictly weight loss this time. There's more to life than just focusing on food because I do way too much when I start to lose weight. Last time it was 60lbs in just a few months. One summer it was 100lbs. I'm down officially 225lbs without any assistance (which is frustrating in itself) except myfitnesspal. But when I swim will have weeks in a row of daily 3-4k calorie deficits and am losing 25lbs a month. It's obsessive and destructive but no one bats an eye because I'm fat.
Then this depression will hit and binging happens after something horrible happens (apparently I'm an alcoholic. Just a rare occasion now. But one of my best friends said we were full fledge getting smashed alcoholics and drug addicts for about 5 years)food and alcohol and gain about 1/3 to 1/2 of what I recently lost back. That's why it's only 225 in 7 years.
So yea I have an unspecified eating disorder because I have extended periods of orthorexia then binge eating. Everyone just focuses on the binge eating and praises the weight loss.
Okay so instead of all our videos being focused on weight and calories and being fat.
That's just one day a week but not just that. Gardening, my composting, if I'm reading stuff, how I'm coming along on my goals, just life. A weigh in on the first of the month.
Another day a week. It will be something that we got from one of the mental health facilities. Weight loss is more than just eating. Especially ED recovery. I have all the recoveries.
Lastly I want a creepy day because there is more to life than food. I have a degree in criminology and was a social worker. I get so frustrated at some true crime podcasts I want to throw my phone. I love learning about new cases and sometimes their input is good but other times I just scream at my phone.
I think because of all of the abuse I have suffered I can empathize to an extent why certain murderers do what they did. Especially the person I am uploading tomorrow. The Easter Day Massacre.
I usually feel sorry for everyone involved. I believe 9 times out of 10 if they would have gotten the proper treatment or someone would have gotten them 5150 or dcfs didn't drop the ball (I defend them sometimes because I have been involved with them before and see what all they have to deal with daily)
But yes I want a creepy video one day a week.
I'm okay if I don't have a lot of subscribers. Just like here I only have 10 followers and that's ok. My insta is the same way. They are just my spaces and each one has their own purpose.
