And for the record, that whole “women getting their own bank accounts” thing happened in 1974, which was only 50 years ago. My mother was born that year. My father was 5 years old. My grandmothers couldn’t have bank accounts without their husbands’ permission until several years into their marriages. It was NOT that long ago.
Another factor is that the promises made to these girls are SO appealing. They’re brought up with Disney princesses and baby dolls and every time they think an adult is unfair they’re told “well, when you’re a grownup you can choose to do it differently with your own kids”, since motherhood is the extent of any authority they’re ever expected to have.
The damsel in distress narrative is alive and well. And who among us wouldn’t like for a gentle, devoted somebody to enter our lives, love us enormously, solve all our problems, provide the funding for us to have fun all day without ever needing to work, and prevent anything bad from ever happening to us again? They’re sold on the idea that their husbands will be devoted protectors who will never let any kind of harm come to them. They’re sold on the idea that having babies will be fun and glamorous, that it’s all about dressing up their “mini-me”s in cute outfits and baking cookies. They’re sold on the idea that if they can just cross the finish line and secure a man, they’ll finally have any measure of autonomy and control over their own lives. Unfair things won’t happen anymore. Bad things won’t happen. The world is big and scary, but their valiant knights will keep them safe.
Unfortunately, valiant knights are in pretty damn short supply. Statistically speaking, the most dangerous man in a woman’s life is her husband:
1 in every 3-5 women experiences physical and/or sexual violence from an intimate partner in her lifetime. (Yes, every 3-5 women. Not just “those” women. Your community is not somehow exempt. Think of 5 women you know right now— family members, friends, coworkers, classmates. Statistically, one of them will be a victim of abuse from a partner.)
Of these women, 42% report injuries caused by the violence
These women are 1.5x more likely to become infected with an STI
These women are 16% more likely to have a miscarriage (and while this can obviously be traumatic as hell to women from any cultural background, girls raised as breeding cattle to be fruitful and multiply take this pretty hard; if you believe having children is all you’re good for, “failing” at it does unpleasant things to your sense of self worth)
Up to 38% of all murders of women are committed by their intimate partners
Hey, while we’re here, wanna hear some of the risk factors for intimate partner violence?
Harmful masculine behaviours, including having multiple partners or attitudes that condone violence (sounds a lot like “traditional masculinity” touted by tradhusband wannabes)
Community norms that privilege or ascribe higher status to men and lower status to women (Never mind the complementarian mantra of “different but complementary roles and responsibilities” for men and women. Never mind the fact that the male roles and responsibilities entail higher pay, mobility, and social power.)
Low levels of women’s access to paid employment (but we want to be stay at home mommies!*)
Low level of gender equality (discriminatory laws, etc.). (Pay no attention to the revocation of abortion and contraceptive access etc.)
(Risk factors and stats from the World Health Organization)
Of course at a certain point these girls do grow up, and there’s an argument to be made that, as grown women, they ought to “know better”. But to be fair, if you’re raised to believe this is the capital-T incontrovertible Truth all your life, if everybody you know continues to feed into this belief system, you’ve been provided with (what sound like) good reasons not to believe anyone who ever tries to tell you differently, and there’s next to no way out… how exactly could you know better?
(*Regarding Stay At Home Mothers: I have incredibly mixed feelings on the subject. I do think it’s super beneficial for children to have individualized full-time care, but it’s also ridiculously dangerous for women to voluntarily give up complete financial control over their lives to their husbands purely on the hope that he’ll remain as beneficent as he promised at the altar. My mom stayed home with my siblings and I growing up, and I’m the first to acknowledge that it’s grueling, thankless, important work; I don’t mean to direct any shade to these women for wanting what’s best for their kids, but I do have some disdain for the self-righteous and stubbornly naive ways they often choose to discuss it, especially the tiktok tradwife variety of them.)
