not a batman blog

assorted batman rants and reblogs i don’t write a lot but most fics i do write end up on @wingdingdaddy

[robs-your-robins]

Thinking more about the rumour if how Bruce Wayne acquired his two eldest boys because they both are carbon copies of him and everybody at first thinks that Bruce fathered them with the same woman on the side but for some reason didn't marry her or couldn't for some reason but then...

Then Superman flies into Gotham to rescue Bruce and the kids. And everybody is like, "wait a damn minute" because while Dick and Jason are copies of Bruce, they do sort of look like... And Superman is very intimate with them, hugging Dick and crouching down to talk to twelve year old Jason who looks a little wary and then there's Bruce. There's Bruce, who is smiling, not that ghastly social smile or that flirty smile but something real, and he looks so comfortable around Supes and... Did Superman just brush something off Bruce's Wayne face? Immediately rumours start spreading and Gotham has a new reason to loathe Big Blue from Metropolis:

Superman: Don't be afraid, just take my hand and we will get you somewhere safe.

Gothamite, clinging to a lamppost: How about fuck no?

Superman: um, excuse me, sir?

Gothamite: You think I'm letting you fly me out of here? Taking me off to god knows where? So you can what?

Superman: Save you?

Gothamite: Oh, like you "saved" Bruce Wayne? Got him pregnant with two babies you don't pay child support for or even visit? They're beautiful boys but I'm not having no alien baby key alone with some deadbeat baby daddy.

Superman:

Batman, deadpan: I'm mean he's right, Superman. You did me wrong like you did Bruce Wayne. Two babies and no daddy.

Gothamite, angrier now: YOU KNOCKED UP THE BAT TOO?

Batman: He won't even visit us any more. Nightwing and Robin miss him so much.

Superman:

Nightwing, holding Jason Todd, both looking like puppies in the rain: Daddy?

[nigaki]

Oh my god. The way Bruce, Dick and Jason just rolled with it kills me!

[frownyalfred]

every former Robin has their "I want to be part of the Justice League!!" phase until Bruce dies/gets injured/disappears and then they, you know, have to actually deal with the Justice League

[frownyalfred]

#one league meeting sitting across from Hal Jordan and they start thinking shit like 'oh my father was a saintly man’

(via @jatersade)

[butch-chastity]

"batman" blog on tumblr dot com: you should read this cool post about batman meta

me: is this post really about batman meta or is it actually going to be about jason todd for some reason

batman blog: I don't understand. I have a post about batman

me: usually when you reblog "batman meta" it's an excuse to talk about why jason is the best robin/did nothing wrong/is hot. is that what you have or do you have batman meta

batman blog: i have for sure reblogged a post about batman and politics :)

me: excellent. I'll start reading

the post: jason todd is actually a leftist and would suck me good and hard through my jorts

[batgarbage]

dana dancing in the intro is such a core memory for me

an awakening

[batgarbage]

we could have so much more of smartass old man brucie

imagine the commentary we could’ve had

but there’s something almost as comedic about picturing him smiling at the batcomputer while terry gets his ass beat

[batsandbirdbrains]

you know that thing teachers of young kids do when they want their students attention? like, a song or the water shushing thing? what if Bruce has to do that for the bat kids?

like, they are all on the Watch Tower or somewhere for whatever reason and the bat kids are fighting and arguing over one thing or another and everyone thinks Bruce is gonna scream at them or something because he's Batman. but he just.

"one two three, eyes on me."

and it's complete silence.

This almost made me choke on my ice cream this is hilarious. I’m also picturing him with his arms crossed saying “I’ll wait.”

Or “if you can hear me, clap twice.” And all the batkids shift their attention to him and clap twice in unison

[batgarbage]

2004’s the batman series did such a great job w bruce. they did such a great job portraying the early days when he and jim didn’t get along so much, such an amazing job with playboy brucie.

and ALFRED NEED I SAY MORE.

this version will forever a comfort character and comfort show.

[batgarbage]

and the character design?? amazing. it’s so fun. i’ve actually always loved this joker, never as much as mark hamill but he did such a good job. i love the art style. i have no complaints.

[batgarbage]

HHHHHHHHHH HE JUST SAID GOOD GIRL

[batgarbage]

say what you want but 2004’s the batman series was the phenomenal. a comfort episode as long as i can remember is the s2 pilot, batgirl begins

i love the way they write barb, i love the way she and bruce interact in this series. their take on poison ivy is great, i love that they tied her to barbara and i love barb and jim’s relationship and the way they introduced her is just so good

[batgarbage]

AND to circle back rq, i can’t think of a single animated appearance where at least one robin isn’t involved. these two have a whole season together, just bruce and barb as a team and i FUCKING LOVE IT

[batgarbage]

2004’s the batman series did such a great job w bruce. they did such a great job portraying the early days when he and jim didn’t get along so much, such an amazing job with playboy brucie.

and ALFRED NEED I SAY MORE.

this version will forever a comfort character and comfort show.

[batgarbage]

and the character design?? amazing. it’s so fun. i’ve actually always loved this joker, never as much as mark hamill but he did such a good job. i love the art style. i have no complaints.

[batgarbage]

2004’s the batman series did such a great job w bruce. they did such a great job portraying the early days when he and jim didn’t get along so much, such an amazing job with playboy brucie.

and ALFRED NEED I SAY MORE.

this version will forever a comfort character and comfort show.

[batgarbage]

say what you want but 2004’s the batman series was the phenomenal. a comfort episode as long as i can remember is the s2 pilot, batgirl begins

i love the way they write barb, i love the way she and bruce interact in this series. their take on poison ivy is great, i love that they tied her to barbara and i love barb and jim’s relationship and the way they introduced her is just so good

[meparame]

THEM *sobs*

[jasontodddidnothingwrong]

Fic idea where Damian and Jason met in the league, and Dami doesn't bother keeping it a secret in Gotham. However, due to a series of misunderstandings, the batfamily all come to believe Damian is talking about a dog.

Bruce: We want you to feel comfortable here, Damian. Is there anything I can get you to make you feel more at home.

Damian: I want Akhi.

Bruce (internally): Brother???

Damian: He was my guard and companion. He would sleep on the floor of my room every night in order to protect me. Apart from those nights when he would whine so loudly that it disturbed my slumber. At such times, he would sleep outside instead.

Bruce (internally): Oh, "Akhi" is just a sweet name for a dog...

--

Damian, trying to be supportive for once: You are much more adept at learning than Akhi. It took much training for him to even be able to communicate. Mother was most pleased when he was finally able to understand simple commands such as "stop" and "kneel".

Tim: Wow, the bar is apparently dog height.

--

Damian, being shown the library by Alfred: Akhi would very much appreciate this room.

Alfred, joking: Oh, does he like books?

Damian: He is voracious. Akhi tears through a dozen books a week.

Alfred, imagining the ancient library Bruce described from his time with the league: Dear God...

--

Bruce, on the phone with Talia: Damian misses his Akhi. Please ship him over to us.

Talia: ????????

[papayafromtv]

test tube baby Damian but its also Jason meeting Damian as a baby at the league. kinda like Shadow and Maria from sonic but if Maria died before befriending Shadow

Jason came back from the dead without any kind of help or aid from supernatural/mutant forces. i like to believe that when Talia adopted him Ra’s was just like. ‘ok fine he can be my grandson but only if i can use him for my immortality research’ and Jason has literally been to hell and back; tortured, murdered, dug up through his own grave, pit-washed to give him back his sentience,

basically at that point in his life he was tired enough of Everything that he was able to look Ra’s in the eye and be like ‘fuck it man idk do whatever, as long as the medical table has a nice pillow on it i don’t care’

so Jason is settling into his life at the league, splitting his time between training, following around Ra’s to annoy him, or hanging around down at the league labs to help figure out why he got revived (they never figure it out and it brings Jason great amusement), until one day he’s exploring while they wait for a blood test to come back and he finds a sector of the labs that he’s never been in. inside is a massive glass test tube. inside the test tube is a toddler’s body.

“What the fuck is that?” He asks, casually, to the league member working nearby.

“The Demon’s daughter’s child,” The woman replies, slightly confused sounding. “Are you not aware of him? Your DNA has been used in his development, so I thought you would have been informed and introduced.”

Jason takes this in, turning back to the encased toddler. He hums calmly.

“Huh, ok.” And then, a moment later, he turns to the door. “TALIA WHAT THE FUCK-“

it turns out that Talia was in the middle of creating herself a son and Ra’s a new vessel before she’d taken in Jason, and then upon Ra’s begrudgingly taking on Jason as a grandchild instead, ‘Damian’ had kind of been put on the back burner. They were still curious about potential abilities Jason possessed, however, so as a test they infused his DNA with Damian’s to see if it would change anything in his body, as a way to figure out what could be different about Jason. spoiler alert: nothing changed, except now Jason’s biologically related to this kid, just like, apparently, Bruce fucking Wayne.

“Whore.” He diagnosed when he found out, staring right at Talia’s unimpressed face. “Do you know how fucked up that is?! A man AND his adopted son?! What kind of fucked up hypothetical three-way would have caused this!?”

“Jason,” Talia snaps. “Don’t be gross. My father is happy with you now anyway; or at least he’s happy with your power and skills as a fighter. Maybe not the personality as much. Regardless, we no longer have need for Damian, so it is of no harm.”

“NO HARM?!” Jason yells, loud enough that the squad of assassins running through drills on the other side of the courtyard pause to stare in caution. “HE’S IN A BIG SYRINGE OF LIQUID VASELINE!” He puts his hands on his hips, jutting out his head confidently. “You can’t be an absent mother just because he hasn’t left the test tube—that cop out doesn’t work. Wake him up.”

“Jason, I’m not going to-“

“No, no- my seventeenth birthday is in a week. You said that because of how well my tutors said I was doing that I could pick a gift to receive. Well, I’ve picked. I want him.”

Talia stares at him. “You want me to wake up your lab-created throw-away brother as a birthday gift?”

“No need to gift wrap him. Well,” He amends quickly, giving a half-shrug.” “I mean- give him some clothes.”

“Sometimes, Jason,” Talia murmurs to herself, kneading her forehead tiredly. “Sometimes I think maybe the lazarus pit’s abilities were wasted on you.”

Ra’s doesn’t find out about the birthday gift until two months later, when he finally notices that Jason isn’t the only person sneaking into his private chambers to eat lunch and complain about this one specific horse who keeps trying to kick him in the stables.

“Why does my irritating shadow,” He asks his personal guard, eyeing the two sat on his desk and blinking at him like a pair of inquisitive owls. “Have another irritating shadow?”

“…That’s Damian, Sir.” His guard tells him. “Your other grandson.”

Ra’s stares at the younger one. “I thought we threw that idea out?”

“I’m a birthday gift.” Damian explains, voice deadpan. Ra’s takes this in, humming blankly. Damian holds out his hand. “Pleasure to meet you, grandfather.”

Gingerly, Ra’s accepts the handshake, facial expression showing the slight disgust he felt at the action. “…I see. Pleased to make your acquaintance… grandchild number two.”

“Good, good,” Jason approved, turning to look down at Damian. “Now tell him he has a receding hairline.”

[papayafromtv]

i have this headcanon that Jason's alley subordinates get their first real impression of the latest Robin when during an important strategy meeting to deal with whatever bullshit Black Mask is pumping out onto Hood's territory, one of them notices him sneaking in through the ceiling and watching from the rafters.

there's an instant uproar based on the assumption that Batman is with him and this is a recon/attack mission. those assumptions are frozen in their tracks when Hood demands they drop their weapons.

"Little shit clearly snuck away- the big bat doesn't even know he's here." Hood declares, as, eyeing them all warily, Robin slinks down from the rafters to stand at his side, borderline hiding behind him. "Right brat?"

Robin nods. "He kept blabbering on about things that weren't interesting. I got bored and wanted to see you."

Hood ruffles his hair and continues the meeting, uncaring of the enemy listening to every word. The goons are baffled.

it keeps happening, too. on patrol, Hood doesn't blink an eye at Robin's existence, acting as if they've never spoken before, and the kid vice versa does the same. and yet it's a weekly occurrence that while dealing with confidential Red Hood-business, the goons will spot the little fucker seeping into their bases to act like he lives amongst them-and suddenly Hood's all soft words and hair ruffles and jokes that make it seem like the two have known each other their whole lives.

"I want a new katana." The kid stormed in at one point, interrupting the interrogation of the leader of a neighbouring cartel. He didn't blink at the multiple men holding down limbs, or the rag of water that Hood himself was holding, about to continue the waterboarding. Hood's shoulders slumped inwards out of exasperation.

"I'm sure you do," He chuckled, turning to give the kid a fond (they could tell, even through the helmet) glare. "But I'm kinda busy right now, so lets talk later?"

"With obsidian and emerald in the hilt, like my old one." Robin continues. "Batman confiscated it."

"Ask your mother and see what she says," Hood calls out casually, drenching the rag in a bucket of water and preparing to continue. "I'm not shelling out on a new one if it's just gonna get taken back by that asshole."

Robin groans, throwing his head back. "Fine. By the way, I stole a copy of all of Batman's information on that man's gang for you." He points casually at the half-conscious man being borderline tortured.

"God, I taught you well." Hood laughs. The goons exchanged knowing looks.

the thing was, it all added up--the familiarity, the fondness, the whining banter exchanged between the two and begrudging way that Robin listened to every order Hood gave him, the incredible loyalty that the kid showed one of Batman's current most influential enemies, and the protective nature Hood showed the kid in turn.

it all made sense

"So we're all in agreement, right?" Goon 1 turned to the others after they'd both left. "The Bossman is Robin's dad, and he's sent his son undercover to work for the Bat to gain information?"

the rest of the goons nodded instantly.

it was obvious.

(meanwhile, Hood has no idea this is what his subordinates think, he's just trying to be a supportive big brother, helping provide a safe space for Damian while he deals with the ridiculous culture shock of moving from the league's compound to going it alone at Wayne manor. Damian knows this is what everybody at Hood's work thinks. he doesn't think it's worth correcting--Hood raised him more than anybody else did, so it's not entirely inaccurate, right? Plus the scary dog privilege he gets in the alley for being Red Hood's son is funnier than any kind of perk he's ever gotten for being Bruce's kid.)

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 3 (masterpost here)

*wind whooshing* *grunting* *the sound of scraping against stone*

Dick: you have to be cheating somehow, you could never do that jump before!

Jason: how the fuck do you cheat at parkour?

Dick: *pause*

Dick: secret.... winches.

Jason, incredulous: secret winches?

Dick: secret winches. you got like- i dunno. stuff to help you up here.

Jason: *snorts* you're a fucking idiot. i can do the jump because i got steroided by the lazarus pit and pokemon evolved three times the size of myself, dipshit.

Dick, humming: yeah, that must have been a culture shock.

Jason: well it was fucking something that's for sure.

Dick: did you ever get like-, like when you woke up and you were just over six feet tall. did it fuck with your head?

Jason: like did i forget and run into doorframes a fuck ton-?

Dick: -yeah, like what was it like?

Jason: *hums consideringly*

Jason: kinda like. what i imagine the hulk had to go through. like i was just suddenly real big and real strong.

Dick: was it cool?

Jason: parts of it were cool, parts of it- *wheeze* parts of it were fucking fantastic.

Dick, very amused: ok now- wait hold on- don't you give me that fucking look-

Jason: *laughing*

Dick: -alright. brother to brother, i feel like we're close enough with each other to discuss this as mature adults. but i have to ask,

Jason, audibly grinning: -oh, i'm proportionate.

Dick: *bursts out laughing* that- that must have been fucking wild-

Jason: IT WAS- it was- *breathy laugh* it sure was something-!

Dick: how long after you came out the pit did you notice?

Jason: how long- dude, instantly!

Dick: *laughing*

Jason: i was out that pit like that fuckin' tiktok audio, just 'woah woah, wait, where my dick at?!'

Dick: *laughing louder*

Jason: just climbing out, barely conscious, in the back of my mind like 'did they tie a weight between my legs or something because this shit ain't normal, why's it heavy'

Dick, crying: why's it heavy-!

Jason: i will say in all honesty i kinda forgot about it for a while.

Dick: how do you forget?

Jason: i dunno, just kinda doing my thing. mentally i was still like, fifteen, so as much as my cock did interest me, once Talia gave me a shiny sword i was like 'ooooh' and instantly stopped thinking about it.

Dick: was there not any like, mechanical issues?

Jason: mechanical- like, did it work? yes, dude, it fuckin' worked?

Dick: well i don't know i just feel like- it's probably like getting a new phone, right? like they're all pretty similar but when you transfer over to a new model there's an adjustment period?

Jason: OH- ok yeah, no, i get you. no there was definitely an- *slight wheeze* there was an adjustment period.

Dick: *starting to laugh* i don't even know if i want to ask,

Jason: *wheeze* well it was- like i said i forgot for a while, right? so the first time i slept with somebody,

Dick: *cackling* no, littlewing what did you do?

Jason: no i think i just ruined the mood a little bit in the beginning, because like- like it was just as much a surprise to me as it was to her, right?

Dick: *cackling even louder*

Jason: so she was- *wheeze* she was fuckin'- *high pitched, breathy* she was below me as i got it out, and she went 'oh wow, it's so big', and my fuckin' stupid ass was just- wide-eyed looking at it like 'jesus fucking christ it is isn't it?!'

Dick, choking: i can't- i'm fucking crying-

Jason: *half-silent wheezes*

Dick, slightly delirious: but didn't you ever, like, try it out alone beforehand?!

Jason: WELL I-

Damian: OH MY FUCKING GOD. S T O P.

Jason and Dick: *cut off chokes*

Damian: MAY I FUCKING REMIND YOU, that BOTH i AND Batman are on this line tonight!

Jason, slightly muffled: *shocked laugh* oh my god, B-?

Damian: he's been staring blankly into a gutter since Nightwing first mentioned genitalia.

Dick, high pitched through hitched breaths as Jason starts cackling in the background: yeah that's- that's our bad, B. Sorry about that.

Damian: i feel like i also deserve an apology.

Jason: *cackling louder*

[batgarbage]

titans has some of the worst writing i’ve ever seen. it’s worse than any wattpad fic i’ve ever loved.

but holy shit. killing the joker for jay is everything. bruce’s actor was an amazing choice, he plays jorah and the man can ACT.

the therapy i didn’t know i needed. that moment was so healing and this is a good au idc

dick is written so well and i love him. i love barbara. i love this show and the team and its so comforting

[batgarbage]

the ending was so bittersweet i finished it the other day

i loved it. i know it’s so controversial idc

comfort comfort comfort comfort