"He is not a person but a body taking up space." - Cate Young
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Part of me wants to say...
"Just skip it, Cate!!! You know how Darren Aronofsky consistently makes bleak films!!!"
But I don't think Cate can skip a film she's picked to review.
I didn't watch 'The Whale' as I learned my lesson. Watching 'Requiem For A Dream' was more than enough for me. Maybe I might read the plotline of a film of his on Wikipedia, but I'm now wondering why I might.
PS: The Quote is from Issue #74 of 'Thirty, Flirty + Film'
If I care about my health, that I might have hope of healing from my injuries, one of the things I can gift myself is recognising things (like films or any sort of something to spend time on) that would likely not help. Thankfully I've been able to easily say 'no' to certain films or TV shows that might not help inject hope in my life.
Bear watched it and I wonder if she ever felt moments similar to Cate. I am guessing that she hasn't which is why she didn't mention it.
"She is able to look back on this time with such maturity and a crystal clear understanding that this title was more a reflection of a jealous writer who wanted to make a name for himself than an accurate portrayal of who these young people were." - Hayley Croke
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I didn't know how scathing the writeup was that David Blum put together until I read Haley's interview.
Bear is likely not going to watch the film. Mainly, because she thinks that my summary of it (or at least what I could tell her about it) is something she prefers.
I guess sometimes I get that excitement that fuels her excitement as well. This just probably didn't land and nudge her to watching it because she's likely more partial to documentaries about shows that she has enjoyed in the last decade.
For example, a documentary on how Rhea Seehorn navigated her career to eventually end up working on 'Pluribus' might be something that she (Bear) might be open to. Particularly if there's a lot of humour injected into it.
When was the last moment for you? You're feeling lost and are just trying to find the Silver Lining, and then you get some sort of whiplash, but somehow it's one of those moments that you won't be able to come across had you not kept trying to find that next step?
I find it assuring that it's likely that this is a nod from The Universe. Like she's saying...
"Keep going. You're going to be okay."
...because I had just gotten back to reading the 'Tipping Point' books again. Technically it's the first one, and I'm not sure if I want to return to the second one as I feel it's bleaker. That I might have not gotten that jolt of motivation and hope if I was reading the second one.
There was a point where I decided to hold watching the rest of the film and just add it to the queue Bear and I have. It was because I had mistakenly assumed that Molly was in 'The White Lotus'. If she ever was, it seemed to be only from a fan casting her in one of the roles.
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One point in the documentary that is relevant for me is the experience of being let down by a journalist. I haven't gotten to a point similar to Emilio where there is a point where I had mistakenly assumed that there was a connection.
There's a part of me that wants to go through a vetting process before even telling my story. I'd rather just embrace the assumption that I've reached out to the right people and that somehow I can relax and let go.
If I get burned, I can sit with that pain and the layer of additional wounding. Trusting that somehow it's the best thing that could ever happen. Even if the signs are that I might not be able to find someone who is able to make me feel safe, because their job essentially is one of the unsafest ones.
"Sometimes, we must feel grief to give birth to its reason." - Michelle May
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It would be quite awesome if there's this repository of all the experiences relating to Chronic Illness being healed after the sufferer processed the grief they held in their body.
A group I can just attend via a Secure Messenger so I can hear about the different ways other women feel and have processed it? Yes, please.
Be it Comp Het or other forms of abuse.
PS: The quote is from Chapter 25 of 'What I Couldn't Tell My Therapist'
(It's rare that a Hoopla discovery becomes so much more than what I expected it to be. One learning I had that I'll likely bring up multiple times during my conversations with Bear is that an increase in anxiety is a clue that I've gotten past a Defense Mechanism. That it might not be helpful long term if I opt for an activity that reduces my anxiety, because it might just be something that pushes down the anxiety rather than helping me sit with it so the emotion can move through me.)
"Here's what I wish someone had told me twenty years ago: you cannot think your way into a healthy relationship. You have to feel your way there. And that requires a regulated nervous system." - Lauren Costine
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I have yet to find the ebook of 'Lesbian Love Addiction', but meanwhile Hoopla seems to have the audiobook.
I'm grateful I don't have to go through the process of finding My Person, that Bear has become my one. It doesn't mean that My Person always consistently shows up (rather than one of her Inner Children or an IFS Board Member that carries a specific part of her trauma that is low on being capable of empathy.
PS: This is actually a quote from one of Lauren's entries on her site.
"Nobody told us how hard it would be to find the right person." - Jemma Sbeg
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Maybe I was lucky that my teens were not centred around finding someone to marry, to be validated because I had been chosen by a man.
PS: The quote is from an episode of 'The Psychology of your 20's'
Was I really out of that? I think I'm grateful that I had other things in my life like Indoor Volleyball, Novels, Peers who weren't trying to set me up with someone. I may have been my own best friend or maybe I could have easily recognised my Rebel Self.
But if I really sat with myself, there was a part of me that wanted to be chosen by a guy. I had that task item in the periphery that I was also looking for guys eligible to be that someone. This is likely of the pervasive belief in society that a woman isn't safe if there isn't a man actively protecting her. I wasn't socialised to choose myself. Instead the messages were about being chosen.
Bear still carries the narrative of her purpose being to make other people happy. That she'll be happy if other people are happy. This frustrates me, because one day this will be what might break her, but I know all I can do is to give her space to find her way.
Watching the film by myself, I'd give it a 4/10 --- but somehow with Bear, experiencing the film with her brought it to a 7/10
I managed to watch until the 44 minute mark (Jill is sitting at that bench where Wes will later sit next to her) when I decided that the film wasn't for me. Watching a bit first before floating it to her is me making sure there's something there that keeps me invested in the story.
Could it be that its a bandwidth thing? That I needed to do some form of self care? But me saying that might send a message that I couldn't trust my gut.
Because I'm at the point where I'm able to be more conscious how my Emotional Wounds show up and my tendency to want to repeat certain patterns that don't serve me, I'm able to see that layer of Wes' difficulty to let Jill know. That it took Jill finding it out herself.
There have been writeups about the potential stalkerish layer of his behaviour. I was surprised Bear wasn't bothered by it, and understood why because she was comparing the behaviour of these other guys (Projecting Pastry Chef, Pink Eye Denier, Emotionally Unavailable Podcaster) to his.
What was interesting to be as I sit with the behaviour of these guys who would be considered a Red Flag until they work on processing their own grief, is that they have a commonality with Wes: they couldn't be there for Jill in a certain way.
It seems like the Pastry Chef is covering up his need for women, that it ended up showing as hate. Similar to what Susan Forward talks about in her book about women ending up with men who has that part unhealed in them.
This is not to say that Jill might have had misogynistic parents. Her parents seemed to have instilled in her to value herself and not settle. She did end any sort of mistreatment when a guy shows signs of not being able to be a healthy partner for her.
Which brings us to the part where someone who can be a healthy person shows up but stumbles. We haven't finished the film yet (20 minutes left!), and so far it's only Wes that apologises to Jill for his behaviour. The previous three guys (Pink Eye, Pastry Chef, and Podcaster) didn't apologise. It's likely because that is who they are and that what makes them different from Wes. They have a pattern of Unhealthy Behaviour they are uninterested in looking at.
There was a part of me that is reminded of those times in the past when I would have been critical of Wes keeping information from Jill. Thankfully, when I got to that scene with Bear, I understood that Wes was likely carrying that narrative that if he admits to stuffing up, he will be abandoned.
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Which brings me to Jill's reaction: could she have been able to sit with Wes revealing what happened? I wonder what emotions came up for her. Was it similar emotions related to her parents holding off sharing information about her sister's health? There was that scene when she asks Isabelle why she (Isabelle) is just letting her (Jill) know now.
This is probably indicative of how Jill responded to Wes' revelation or at least her realisation about Wes hearing her voicemails to her sister.
I like that when Wes gets the idea of recovering the Voicemails that Jill lost during the Factory Reset process, the guy he turns to suggests Wes just reach out to Jill. That it's possibly sending out a message to the ones who want to make a big romantic gesture, that a small step is all that's needed.
Will we have Rom Coms where someone like Jill will say: "Thank you for letting me know. I have no idea how much time I need to process this betrayal, but you are important to be and I still want us to keep working on this." ? I hope so. Though I do understand the pull to having that big dramatic blow up. Since that has been what Rom Coms (or films that have a layer of drama in them) have traditionally embraced.
"You did it, Ted. I think this will definitely prevent me from watching Netflix ever again by myself."
...then I read something that helped fuel consideration that one of the execs might be intending to allow more flexibility for subscribers. That this approach helps add fluidity to the concept of what 'household' means. Which is what Bear and I have been talking about and other writeups.
Yes, I may still end up limiting my time on Netflix and just watching something with Bear every 4 days. The Silver Lining is that being forced to add my email address has made it easier to start rewiring my brain not to default to Netflix anymore.
I don't have to worry about making sure that I check in every now and then to make sure I'm signed in. Though there's likely still an IFS Board Member that worries.
For a time the prompt disappeared. But when I went to watch something on a laptop it wouldn't go away.
PS: I get that there may be a mandate to find a way to increase profits. That this is might be a way to do that. Because if it is, and I'm now required to add an email address to every profile in my own account, there's this loss that happens when there's a limit on the number of profiles that can be created. The most useful application of it is one separate profile for all the titles I'd like to enjoy with a particular person. Maybe I'll do that once again when I revive (or create -- since it has been dormant for a significant amount of time) my own account.
It is a bit of a struggle to embrace the belief that it's not about increasing profits and instead wanting security for anyone who has an account. That they are not harassed if they decide to remove someone from accessing their subscription.
Could the process of this film have also been fans of Sam's performance in 'Love Wedding Repeat'?
PS: The quote is from the first scene of 'Book Of Love' --- technically a sign...and not uttered by the character.
One of the things I noticed was that by the time the 4th woman shows up in the next scene, there has been only one man so far. Which makes me wonder if Geena Davis has also seen the film to that point.
I like that at that point the message to the viewer is that even if a guy disagrees with a woman's perspective, there is still a way to validate her experience.
Somehow, even if he plays this character that I might not want to be around, I still want to keep watching. Maybe it also helps that my understanding of Sam that he is the opposite of this guy and is capable of validating the perspective of someone he disagrees with. Particularly if that person is a woman.
As I was searching for talks about Repetition Compulsion on YouTube, one of the suggested videos was this. I didn't watch the video as I don't think it'll be healthy for me to hear from someone who identifies as a Narcissist. Which is why I went straight to the comments to see if there were survivors sharing what they learned to keep themselves safe.
PS: Screenshot from the Comment Section.
If you're familiar with this person, let me know what I missed! These four things are very helpful to keep in mind. That if I am behaving this way (There's a part of me that usually defaults to justification) it's likely that one of my Inner Children is driving. That it may help for me to pause the conversation. Because that IFS Board Member might not be feeling safe.
Wouldn't it be great if anything that's close to these behaviours in the media (or even at workplaces) are not rewarded? I wish empathy consistently sold. That we wouldn't need to have these drama fixes.
Bear seems to think that we would make it even if we had crossed paths when we were 8 or maybe in our Mid-20's
I somehow doubt that. But maybe I'm missing lots of important information, even if that particular timeline doesn't exist in this universe.
It has been a slog reading Christina Li's ,'True Love and Other Impossible Odds' when it seemed like it'll take forever to get to that moment with Julia. What I was able to remind myself of is that a lot of women do go through that layer of Comp Het.
When I got to the point where Grace's Car Battery dies and she needs Julia's help, I found myself thinking of what I might be like spending time with Bear when I was in my 20's.
I had brought this up with her and she mentioned a scenario where we would be watching 'Felicity' together. I kind of doubted Bear would be interested. Unless, I've yet to be fully influenced by the idea that I'm only safe if I had a Cis Man to protect me. That I might not had my eye on Scott Speedman. Maybe it's Ben Covington.
Brene in an episode of Trevor's show!? It may have been the top 20 fastest clicks I've done in the last 3 years.
PS: You can find Eugene saying that line I quoted in the episode when Brene was the guest.
Maybe even 5 or 10 years! Because there was a time (Maybe 2007?) when I started watching a lot of TED talks and Brene's was one of that first batch. It was likely her ability to show who she is without the mask that usually come with someone who is talking about their work.
And yes, moments during her first two TED talks (one was a TEDx one) made me laugh. I felt connected to Brene that I closely followed her Instagram posts and blog (Sadly there was a revamp and some of the entries I wanted to quote are no longer there. Though I'm hoping they have just been relocated)
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