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@bunnii-recovers
i used to have no hope for the future but now i'm thinking. i want rich people food. i want rare sirloin steak. i've never had sirloin steak in my life. i think i want to try it before i die.
i want to get some tattoos. i want to learn how to play drums. i want to go back to the ocean. i want to land a heelflip. i want to benchpress with big plates.
it crept up on me but i want i want i want i want to live. i want to live
do you understand? i am living this life for the first time. nobody has seen the world through my eyes. i am alive. i want to feel the dry warmth of the sun in my bones. i want to breathe, again and again and again. maybe even forever.
do you understand? this world is a disgusting place forsaken by the one above and yet. it is beautiful. i want to live.
Final OCD post for the night, about something rarely spoken of but countless people have experienced:
OCD can exist very physically in the body. A very normal OCD symptom is the groinal response:
Groinal response is a feeling of arousal. It can include swelling, tingling, warmth, moisture, lubrication, tumescence (swelling or feeling of fullness), sensitivity to small movements, partial erection or full erection. A groinal response in OCD is often linked to an intrusive feeling, thought, urge or image. (NOCD)
It's common among people with P-OCD (pedophilia intrusive thoughts), intrusive thoughts focused on incest, attraction to pets and other animals, sexual orientation, or fear of any other unwanted attraction.
People experiencing intrusive thoughts often engage in 'Checking' compulsions. Or repeatedly going over the same information to reassure yourself (NOCD). In this case, the information comes from your body:
You're afraid you're attracted to your brother. When you see your brother, you focus on your body to make sure it's not experiencing any sensations that 'confirm' your fear.
By focusing so intently on the body, Checking can actually trigger the physical response you're most afraid of.
Although not to be confused with pOCD, which is perinatal and postpartum OCD, P-OCD and Harm OCD are common in people WITH pOCD. pOCD may develop both in the birthing parent and other caretakers, igniting terror that they are unsafe and unable to care for their infants (iOCDf).
Understanding OCD is lifesaving information. You are not your intrusive thoughts. Your intrusive thoughts are not your secret desires. Every single person I've ever known with OCD has feared that they don't actually have OCD and that they're the one person whose intrusive thoughts are real.
Spoiler: That wasn't true for any of us, and it's not true for you.
You're normal. Having OCD is normal. Your intrusive thoughts are normal. Best of all, you don't have to live in fear forever.
Recovery is possible. Even without professional therapy. Okay, I love you.
If you’re experiencing recurrent intrusive thoughts involving a worry or fear that you could be a child predator, it may be a sign of OCD.
Common symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder include frequent and unwanted intrusive thoughts, avoidance behaviors, and anxiety-induced
Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental health disorder that affects people of all ages and walks of life, and occurs when a person
Self Directed Treatment for OCD The Irony of Doing the Opposite By Paul R. Munford, Ph.D. I remember a movie in which one of the char
A list of recommended books on OCD listed by population, specialty area, and other criteria.
Remember that if you want to do more of something, you have to do less of something else. It's that time of year where people set goals for the new year and they have plans and hopes and it's always focusing on what they want to do more of. More studying, more exercise, more crafting, more socialising, more making things from scratch. Okay, great. What are you going to do less of in order to have the time and energy to do more of those things you really want to do?
And if your answer to this is "less doomscrolling" or "less bedrotting" then great, but please think about why you're doing those things. No one's doomscrolling or bedrotting because they don't have things they'd rather be doing. Actually, I'm willing to bet you have a lot of things you'd rather be doing and you spend your life internally screaming at yourself to do literally any one of the many things you want to be doing instead, but you don't have the energy for them all and you can't work out how to prioritize them, so doomscrolling spares you from making that decision. Or perhaps you're burned out from taking on too many projects and you need to rest your brain, so you lie in bed because you don't even have the energy to get started anymore.
This is going to be a really hard pill to swallow, but the truth is you might not be able to balance all your hobbies and all your projects the way you'd like. If you want to finish writing that book, you might have to reduce your daily drawing habit to a couple of times a week. If you want to do yoga every morning, you might have to accept not cooking from scratch as often. If you want to spend more time with your family, you might have to cut down on your yearly reading goal. I'm not saying give up on your hobbies; I'm be realistic with your time and your energy and be kind to yourself. Stop expecting yourself to do more and do better every single year. You don't have to constantly be growing upwards and reaching for the stars; you can be content with where you are, or even cut parts of yourself back to make space for other things in your life to bloom.
Think about what your priorities are and make peace with doing less of other things. Less is okay. Less is not failing. Less is self care.
we've got a life to love living.
A few years ago while trying to find ways to commit suicide as painlessly as possible, I came across a PDF of Dr. Paul Quinnett's The Forever Decision. Thinking it might go into actual methods of suicide (I read an article once that actually did that and was trying to find it again) I started to read it, and I think I only got about two pages in before I was crying too much to actually see the words.
I downloaded the PDF to my hard drive and I open it again whenever I'm feeling too suicidal to do much else, but not enough to start booking a ride to the hospital. And every time without fail I only go up to a few pages before backing off and choosing to live another day just because suicide suddenly seems even more unbearable than whatever the hell upset me in the first place.
All the book really does is [I'm pulling a summary from GoodReads here as, again, I've read no more than 5 pages] "discusses the social aspects of suicide, the right to die, anger, loneliness, depression, stress, hopelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, the consequences of a suicide attempt, and how to get help."
But it also starts with the author kindly asking the reader to complete the book before going through with anything, and for some reason I'm compelled to really just try to read it all before finalizing everything. Despite not yet completing it (hopefully never will) I think I can safely say it's saved my life at least a few times now.
It's intentionally legal to copy and redistribute this book to keep it as accessible as possible, and it's very easy to find, but here's a link for it anyways.
Is it possible to “beat” mental illness? Or does it depend on type/circumstance?
“Beating” mental illness is actually the norm, not the exception. Most people who have a major depressive episode never have another one. 80% of people who survive their first suicide attempt never make a second attempt. 93% of Borderline Personality Disorder patients achieve remission. Up to 74% of people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder achieve significant clinical improvement in their symptoms, and 20% achieve full remission. Half of Generalized Anxiety Disorder patients achieve remission after the acute phase of treatment. Even disorders with relatively low rates of remission - bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoid personality disorder - generally become milder and easier to manage as you age. Psychiatric symptoms tend to peak in your 20s and generally drop off as you get older, especially if you seek treatment.
This is why the narratives we use to talk about mental illness matter so much. Right now, the dominant narrative is that mental illness is “an imbalance in the brain” and that it’s largely something that people are born with. There are upsides and downsides to this. The upside is that it promotes the idea that mental illness is not the ill person’s fault, and it helps us understand that mental illness can impact anyone, regardless of their life circumstances. The downside, however, is that it’s sort of given us this idea that mental illness is inborn and unchangeable. People have taken on the idea that “that’s just how my brain is”, when the reality is that, for most people, mental illness is less of a stable trait for them, and more of just a shitty thing that they are going through for a little while. The idea that mental illness is just “in your brain” also erases the very real connection between your life circumstances and your mental health - while it’s very true that a wealthy person in a happy marriage can become depressed, it’s also very true that living in poor conditions and being in an abusive marriage can be the cause of depression, and that improving your life circumstances can lessen or eliminate mental health conditions.
If you have a mental health condition, it’s very important that you not resign yourself to the idea that you’re going to be like this forever. Chances are, you won’t. Even if you have a mental health condition that is associated with low rates of remission, it is possible to make leaps and bounds in your functioning, and to get to a point where managing your condition becomes second nature to you. Our understanding of mental illness is improving every year, and new therapies and treatments are becoming available all the time. If you seek treatment and do your best to manage your condition, you have every reason to believe that you will make huge improvements.
Hope this answers your question!
During the 2008 recession, my aunt lost her job. Her, her partner, and my three cousins moved across the country to stay with us while they got back on their feet. My house turned from a family of four to a family of nine overnight, complete with three dogs and five cats between us.
It took a few years for them to get a place of their own, but after a few rentals and apartments, they now own a split level ranch in a town nearby. I’ve lost track of how many coworkers and friends have stayed with them when they were in a tight spot. A mother and son getting out of an abusive relationship, a divorcee trying to stay local for his kids while they work out a custody agreement, you name it. My aunt and uncle knew first hand what that kindness meant, and always find space for someone who needed it, the way my parents had for them.
That same aunt and uncle visited me in [redacted] city last year. They are prolific drinkers, so we spent most of the day bar hopping. As we wandered the city, any time we passed a homeless person, my uncle would pull out a fresh cigarette and ask them if they had a light. Regardless of if they had a lighter on hand or not, he offered them a few bucks in exchange, which he explained to me after was because he felt it would be easier for them to accept in exchange for a service, no matter how small.
I work for a company that produces a lot of fabric waste. Every few weeks, I bring two big black trash bags full of discarded material over to a woman who works down the hall. She distributes them to local churches, quilting clubs, and teachers who can use them for crafts. She’s currently in the process of working with our building to set up a recycling program for the smaller pieces of fabric that are harder to find use for.
One of my best friends gives monthly donations to four or five local organizations. She’s fortunate enough to have a tech job that gives her a good salary, and she knows that a recurring donation is more valuable to a non-profit because they can rely on that money month after month, and can plan ways to stretch that dollar for maximum impact. One of those organizations is a native plant trust, and once she’s out of her apartment complex and in a home with a yard, she has plans to convert it into a haven of local flora.
My partner works for a company that is working to help regulate crypto and hold the current bad actors in the space accountable for their actions. We unfortunately live in a time where technology develops far too fast for bureaucracy to keep up with, but just because people use a technology for ill gain doesn’t mean the technology itself is bad. The blockchain is something that she finds fascinating and powerful, and she is using her degree and her expertise to turn it into a tool for good.
I knew someone who always had a bag of treats in their purse, on the odd chance they came across a stray cat or dog, they had something to offer them.
I follow artists who post about every local election they know of, because they know their platform gives them more reach than the average person, and that they can leverage that platform to encourage people to vote in elections that get less attention, but in many ways have more impact on the direction our country is going to go.
All of this to say, there’s more than one way to do good in the world. Social media leads us to believe that the loudest, the most vocal, the most prolific poster is the most virtuous, but they are only a piece of the puzzle. (And if virtue for virtues sake is your end goal, you’ve already lost, but that’s a different post). Community is built of people leveraging their privileges to help those without them. We need people doing all of those things and more, because no individual can or should do all of it. You would be stretched too thin, your efforts valiant, but less effective in your ambition.
None of this is to encourage inaction. Identify your unique strengths, skills, and privileges, and put them to use. Determine what causes are important to you, and commit to doing what you can to help them. Collective action is how change is made, but don’t forget that we need diversity in actions taken.
changing my mindset from “if I don’t keep my home clean i’m a useless horrible failure” to “i deserve to live in a comfortable, clean environment, so i will do my best to provide myself with that” has been fairly life changing
and it applies to so much!!!! i try to take whatever i’m beating myself up over, like “i haven’t been eating enough veggies lately so i suck as a human,” and instead reframe it as “my body deserves all the important nutrients found in vegetables” and suddenly i’m ten billion times more inclined to actually prioritize eating more veggies
shame is a paralytic!!!!! self compassion is an actual motivator!!!!!
don't give up
makes me just think of this poem by Caitlin Seida
8 years - 10/28/25
my mom hugs me as she tells me "i need you." and i cry, so much more.
yesterday marked 8 years since my major suicide attempt. i talk about it often and without fear now because i don't think that should ever be stigmatized but it feels a bit surreal to think about sometimes.
this week, especially, is when it hits more since i can remember the whole week, from start to finish now. wild to realize how far i've come along the way.
but it's also just nice to see how much joy i've gotten to have again, how much life i get to live and experience and how much more is waiting for me.
i hugged my mom in the kitchen and told her it's been 8 years now that i'm still alive and she hugged me back, held me the way a mom holds their daughter when they love them so very much. she always tells me to pray but more than anything, she told me, "i need you" and that. that's what gets me. i need her too.
so here's to still being alive. to more experiences. to more laughs, tears, shows, cafes, cities, concerts, and just life. there's so much to live for. there's a reason i'm still here.
happy 8 years to me. i'm glad i can say that i'm happy to be alive🎗️
It’s important to take notice of kindness. Not just being kind, or kindness given to you. Be attentive to kindness shown by others, to others.
Someone running to catch up to the person who dropped their belonging. The patient librarian with the elderly patron at the computer. The little kid picking up worms from the drying sidewalk. The local food pantry that stays open on holidays, that actually works extra hard on holidays to help people have a proper celebratory meal. The charities that meet or exceed their fundraising goals, lives saved from donated blood or organs, a species saved by decades of tireless work from thousands of people.
Kindness doesn't go away just because you aren't directly involved with it. Notice it. The world will feel less cold.
i love you green. i love you forests. i love you smell of damp earth. i love you feeling before the storm breaks. i love you moss. i love you rivers. i love you streams. i love you thunderstorms. i love you sunlight shining through leaves.
it’s fucking wild because one day you’re like i guess i’m not dying tragically young and you go to the store and you buy dental floss, ingredients for soup, and a bath mat
it’s this sentiment in practice, in day to day.
*through gritted teeth* the world is GOOD. people are kind. Humans are NOT inheritly selfish. you will make it through this year. recovery is possible. people you don't know yet will love you. You are going to do things you can't even imagine right now. You are going to read a rlly good book. You are going to eat some rlly good food. You are going to experience joy again. Things can get better. Situations can change. You can choose to be kinder. The world can change for the better.