☆

[bxrderlinebxy]

i know this is a vent account but i just wanted to say im happy. i love my boyfriend. some days are still rough but this guy is genuinely wonderful for me. he’s everything i’ve actually wanted. and i don’t have years of toxicity and manipulation and bpd clouding my judgement. he’s not my fp yet but i love him more than anything. i love my bf.

[bxrderlinebxy]

saw my ex for the first time yesterday and actually laughed. what the fuck was i on. they are not that hot. average looking at BEST. i really did have rose tinted glasses. my god.

[bxrderlinebxy]

i was wrong. i don’t want you back. i don’t want to be your friend. i don’t want to ever see your face again.

the way you pushed me away just to pull me back.

the way you only kept me around for sex, knowing damn well that i would stay because i still loved you.

the way you would tell me i was perfect then suddenly have a million problems with me.

the fact that you made up an entire fucking ex and traumatized me with her.

the way you cheated on me but tried to gaslight me into thinking you didn’t, knowing i have walls of proof from the very person you cheated with.

the way you let me put my heart and soul into the relationship, knowing you would just leave me again.

the way you played with me like i was your toy.

fuck you. i hope you know the fact that you can’t keep a friend or relationship isn’t a curse. it’s because you’re no better than your mother. you are everything you hate.

i hope you get everything you deserve.

[bxrderlinebxy]

and the thing is? i don’t want you back, but i wanted to be friends in the future. remember back when we were just friends? i miss that. i will always miss that. i know, one day, ill forget all of this, but i do miss the good old days, whenever i was happy and we were friends. i know we could do it again, but you don’t want to, and i have to respect that. it’s just sad, knowing we could have that joy again. four years of my life i put into the relationship with you, wasted. so much time and money i’ll never get back. all of that, and you never put anything back. all of that, and you wouldn’t even grant me the final wish i asked of you. this whole thing would have been easier if you hadn’t spent four years pushing me away only to pull me right back. because then i wouldn’t have a tiny bit of hope. and i try to squash that hope because i know it was unrealistic, but for some reason i simply cannot.

i was happy, for a week, until you had to show your face around me again. i asked you not to do that, and apparently me setting a boundary was too much so you blocked me. i should be grateful, and i know eventually i will be, but for right now i am sad. but one day ill be happy about it. because i know its for the best. i just wish we could, in the future, be friends again, like we were before.

xx

[bxrderlinebxy]

two months left of my senior year and then i will finally kill myself, for good. counting down the days.

[bxrderlinebxy]

eating disorder is back. at least im gna be a skinny bitch for hot girl summer idk (im a boy)

[bxrderlinebxy]

its getting hot again and ofc all the shit goes wrong in my life now. so long sleeves summer is back, i guess. feels like im in middle school all over again.

[bxrderlinebxy]

May I ask your name?

ichor :)

[bxrderlinebxy]

relapsed after 580 days of being clean.

[bxrderlinebxy]

you cheated on me and then begged me to stay. so why am i the one that has to act like i have to win you back? should you not be fighting for my love? or am i that worthless to you.

[bxrderlinebxy]

average relationship dynamic w bpd.

i will give my life for you willingly. but i have to beg for you to give me the time of day.

[ch4nn3l4st4tic]

[daddystinygirll]

the traumatized urge to over explain things so that i'm not misunderstood

[p3rf3ctcha0s]

[professionallyunstable-deactiva]

there's not a single nonchalant bone in my body. I care so much I could literally vomit.

[bxrderlinebxy]

maybe killing myself is the only way to sever the attachment i have to you.

[bxrderlinebxy]

you have so much fun without me. my presence doesnt make a difference to you. i can walk away and you will still have fun. i can be there and it wouldnt really matter. you love me, but youre so constantly surrounded by people that you love that it doesnt matter whether or not im around. and i love that for you, i guess. live on without me. dont make my presence make a difference in your life. dont beg me to stay.