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May 20

Hopelessly I'll Love You Endlessly

Summary: “Hey, this is off duty firefighter Tommy Kinard,” Tommy said when the call was picked up. “Has anyone reported a missing kid?”

Or, Tommy runs into Abby and then Theo runs past both of them.

Words: 9k

Read on Ao3

Some relationships could handle months or even years without contact. You could pick things off right where you left them. Other ones just faded away and if you ever saw that person again there were polite smiles and generic questions and that was that. You didn’t think about them again, not unless you ran into them again.

For Tommy, Abby Clark was not someone he ever allowed himself to give much thought to. He knew he’d broken her heart. He knew he’d been the biggest asshole by deciding to stop lying. To her. To himself. He’d broken his heart a little too, if he was honest. Abby was the first woman that he had ever come close to loving romantically rather than just as a friend, and even then he hadn’t been able to commit to it. For the time they were together, Tommy had really considered her his closest friend. The one person that really knew him…well, aside from the one glaring thing.

So, when he first saw the shock of red hair he almost didn’t think it was her and then she turned. She had stylish glasses, big frames that rested perfectly on her nose and the tops of her cheeks. She was smiling and a phone was pressed to her ear. New wrinkles had appeared on her face. Her laugh lines had deepened. Her mouth went slack when she saw him and then turned up into a smile.

Abby said something into the phone and then pulled it away.

“Tommy Kinard,” she said.

Abby’s voice had always been authoritative. Tommy figured that was probably why she’d been such a great dispatcher.

“Hi,” Tommy said.

His mind decided to flash him the pictures he’d seen on Evan’s phone. He’d hurt Abby. Abby hurt Evan. He and Evan…they hurt each other. What a mess they all were.

“Wow,” Abby said. “I did not expect to see you. How — how are you?”

A long time ago, fresh off the break-up, Tommy had had a weird dream where Abby kept showing up while Tommy finally attempted to date men out in the open. He’d felt so panicked at the idea, like Abby would just show up and ruin the whole thing for him. The dream never got that far.

“I’m alright,” Tommy said. “How are you?”

She let out a sigh. “I’m — well, you want the truth?”

“Uh, sure.”

“I’m back in LA for the first time in…well, I have no idea. It brings so much back up for me. My mom, mostly. Train derailment.”

Tommy didn’t know if Evan fit on the list. Did Tommy? Did he garner even that after so many years. He didn’t really think so.

“So,” she said, “what about you?”

Sunlight glinted off her glasses.

“What brings me to a park a couple of blocks from my house?” Tommy asked.

Abby snorted. “Sure.”

“My doctor said I’m low on Vitamin D and that I should be out in the sun before 10am. So there’s that,” Tommy said.

It had been a bit surprising to Tommy considering how much time he did already spend outside and how sunny LA was. Except that apparently Tommy wasn’t catching the sun at the right time and since he’d stopped going to pick up basketball games, it also wasn’t consistent. Age too, probably.

“I could walk with you,” Abby said.

They’d been friends at the start and Tommy hadn’t realized that he’d missed that friendship. He also hadn’t expected Abby to want to talk to him more than was necessary.

Tommy shrugged. “Sure.”

A few steps in and Tommy knew that he would need to bring it up. Would Abby be amused to find out that Tommy dated her ex? It still stung a little, but not because it happened. It was more that inadvertently the reveal had led to him and Evan breaking up. Something would have. Tommy was sure of it…it had just happened earlier than he’d expected.

“You’re thinking a lot over there,” Abby said. “I hope it’s not because of me.”

When Tommy said nothing, she stopped walking. “Tommy, it’s been years and mad as I was when it all went down, I know it was the right thing. Once I saw past my hurt, I realized that I’d hurt you too.”

“You didn’t—”

“I did. I was pushy and I knew that you weren’t fully in it, but I just wanted to hold on so much that…anyway, that’s all in the past. I’ve moved on. I hope you have too.”

“Ah, about that,” Tommy said, deciding that ripping off the band-aid was best.

“What?”

“The guy you dated after me,” Tommy said.

“Buck?”

Tommy nodded. “He, uh, he’s my ex too, now.”

She gasped and laughed, pressed her hand to her mouth. “Evan Buckley. I — what?”

“Yeah,” Tommy said. “Turns out we have the same taste in men?”

Abby laughed harder.

“We, uh, we didn’t know for most of it and then we did and—” Tommy trailed off.

Abby’s laughter subsided. “Did you break up with him because he dated me?” Abby asked.

“No. No. That’s — it was a factor. It freaked him out a little when he found out and then he gave me this whole speech and he asked me to move into his apartment which…well, I guess he forgot I have a whole house. I was…I was the first guy he ever dated and I wasn’t going to be it, you know? I wasn’t going to be the person he ends up with. By now he probably has a new girl or a guy. Who knows…but—”

Tommy continued walking. Abby was right behind him and then she caught up to him and grabbed his arm.

“You broke your own heart, didn’t you?” She asked the question gently.

Tommy let himself be led to a bench and they both sat down, side by side. He could feel her eyes on him.

“Did you even let him try to explain himself?” Abby asked. “It was the thing I hated the most about when we broke up. I didn’t let you explain, I just screamed at you. I was so angry. So disappointed. This life I had built up in my head where we had the perfect wedding. Kids, even. It was just gone and you were the one tearing it apart. I couldn’t see past my own feelings. You were my best friend, Tommy.”

Tommy sighed. “I needed to get out of there. He has this way of running head first into things without really thinking things through. That’s what our whole relationship was. Our first date was a disaster. Then he just…he invited me to his sister’s wedding the next time I saw him. He came out to all of them, unapologetic, like he was daring them to say anything. No one did. Not even his parents. I don’t even think he thought about it when he did it. It was six months and they were the best six months of my life. It was never going to last…we went six months and we never talked about our exes, mutual and otherwise.”

“So what did you do for six months?” Abby asked.

Tommy gave her a look that wouldn’t be hard to interpret. Once Tommy knew that a relationship with a man was new to Evan, he let him take the reins. Maybe that had been a mistake because Evan was not what Tommy had expected. He wasn’t shy about what he wanted once he realized it was what he wanted. Tommy could admit to having a high sex drive, but Evan…Evan was something else. Not that sex was all they did, they did go out on dates. Mostly just dinner. A few times to the movies. They’d even gone on a couple of hikes. Still, most of the time they’d be in Evan’s apartment.

Abby laughed. “The first time I ever talked to him, he told me he was a sex addict.”

“What?”

“Self diagnosed,” Abby said. “We didn’t see each other in person for a while and it was…it was nice. Hearing his voice after a long day…it felt like I finally had someone in my corner. I wasn’t very fair to him, though. And then, after my mom died, he was so present and try as I might I couldn’t break up with him even though I knew I should. So, I left and I figured he’d get it…but I never said it, I just stopped answering his messages.”

Tommy knew Evan so well. He knew that Evan would have just held on. How long did he wait for her? How long until he finally admitted it. Abby was cruel to him and yet…what had Evan said about their relationship? Transformative? Formative?

It had been important. He’d compared it to what they had…and maybe that was the whole point of him and Abby for Evan. They were the stepping stones for him to find something else. Someone else.

“How long since you broke up?” Abby asked.

Long enough that Tommy should have stopped thinking about him. Long enough that Tommy should have moved on and found someone else. Except, that he just couldn’t. He had tried, so it wasn’t like he’d just spent the last year pining away. It was just that Evan was too hard to shake.

“Year and a half ago,” Tommy said.

“And you still care about him,” Abby said.

Tommy didn’t deny it. He didn’t think he would ever stop. Sometimes, he still thought about the lost chance after their hook up. How hopeful Tommy had been because Evan was single and he still wanted him and the cherry on top was the possibility of Evan’s undivided attention. But, Evan had made it clear where he stood. And then Bobby was dead and none of that mattered. Evan didn’t even answer his texts.

“I don’t think I could stop,” he admitted to Abby.

“So then why—”

Abby was cut off as a child ran past them. The expected parent or babysitter chasing after the kid did not appear and when Tommy stood and looked around, he didn’t see anyone. Didn’t hear anyone calling out for the kid either.

“You see anyone?” Abby asked.

Tommy shook his head and they shared a look and followed. Tommy had been a first responder too long to not immediately reach for his phone. A kid on their own without any kind of adult nearby raised all kinds of flags.

“Hey, this is off duty firefighter Tommy Kinard,” Tommy said when the call was picked up. “Has anyone reported a missing kid?”

“Maybe not yet,” Josh said. “Where are you? I’ll send police your way.”

Tommy rattled off their location as best as he could.

“And you don’t see anyone looking for him?” Josh confirmed.

“There aren’t even any other kids around. We’re not exactly close to any of the kid playgrounds. We, uh, we’re following him. Maybe a parent will show up.”

“Hopefully,” Josh said. “Is he running after anything?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Can’t really tell why he’s running.”

Maybe it was less to something and from something or someone? Except that he hadn’t been screaming or crying and there was literally no one around except for him and Abby. So where was the kid going?

Fast as the kid was, his legs were still small. He and Abby walked briskly after him and were catching up to him as he slowed down. The kid was pointing up and saying something. Tommy had been so busy looking around for his adults that he hadn’t glanced up and sure enough a red balloon flew right into a tall tree, getting caught in a branch. The kid stopped right at the base of the tree. There were no low branches, so the kid probably wouldn’t try to climb the tree.

“Looks like he’s been chasing a balloon. It’s stuck on a tree now, he’s standing under it…and nope, he’s trying to—”

Tommy dropped his phone and he ran forward just in time to see the kid’s attempt to climb the tree fail and send him toppling off. Tommy caught him, landing on his back with the kid in his arms.

“That was a close one, huh,” Tommy said.

The kid didn’t cry or say anything and Tommy imagined he had to be surprised at the fall and at getting caught. When he looked up, he found Abby. She’d picked up his phone and had it up to her ear, she stood just above them.

“He caught him. Kid’s fine. No sign of the parents though,” Abby said.

“My balloon,” the kid said pointing up.

“Yeah, that’s your balloon,” Tommy said, still on his back with the kid’s back on his chest, keeping him there lest he try climbing the tree again. “Where are your parents?”

The kid pointed up. Single focus apparently. Tommy sat up slowly. He’d landed on a tree root and it had dug painfully into his back, but at least the kid’s head hadn’t hit it after his fall. He was already wiggling in Tommy’s hold.

“Want my balloon,” he said.

“I know,” Tommy said. “I get that. It’s not going anywhere, okay? We’ll…we’ll find a way to get it down.”

“We will?” Abby asked.

“What does Josh say?”

“No reports on any missing kids,” she said, crouching down. “Who wouldn’t miss a cutie like you. What’s your name, sweetie?”

“Theo,” Theo said.

“And do you have a last name, Theo?” Abby asked.

“Spider-Man.”

Tommy couldn’t help but chuckle. “What about your mom and dad, do you know their names?”

Theo’s face screwed up and he looked like he was about to start crying and then he looked up and pointed at his balloon. “My balloon.”

“His name is Theo,” Abby said into the phone. “If that helps. He doesn’t know his last name or the name of his parents.”

“Hey, Theo. I’m Tommy. Where were you before you chased your balloon here?”

“Party,” Theo said.

“Hey, Josh, could you have officers check and see if there are any parties going on at the park today? He says he was at a party, probably a kid’s birthday,” Abby said.

Tommy nodded. That was smart. Abby had always been smart, it was one of the many things he admired about her. He didn’t think she was a dispatcher anymore, but it was clear that even years since doing the job, it hadn’t really left her.

Tommy didn’t let Theo go as he got back to his feet, but he did rearrange the hold he had on him and Theo was surprisingly okay with that despite Tommy being a complete stranger. And still, there was no one looking for him. Shouting for him. Freaking out because he’d run off after a balloon.

“Hey, Mr. Tommy, are you going to get my balloon?” he asked eventually.

He couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Uh, we could go and buy you a new balloon. Hey, I’ll buy you two balloons.”

Theo shook his head.

“Three? Five?”

“I want my balloon.”

“But five balloons is better than one balloon,” Tommy said.

Theo shook his head. “That’s my balloon.”

“Yeah,” Tommy said. “I get that.”

“Do not tell me you’re going to climb that tree,” Abby said.

Theo decided, then, that Tommy was probably not going to get his balloon because all of a sudden, he started squirming in Tommy’s arms. And then he started to shout.

“MY BALLOON! I WANT MY BALLOON!” He screamed it at the top of his lungs right into Tommy’s ear.

Tommy winced.

Abby had her hand pressed to her mouth. She glanced around, but there was actually no one around to hear Theo or wonder what was happening. Still no parent or babysitter running to find him. How did you lose a kid like Theo? Tommy imagined that he would stand out in a crowd and that he wouldn’t be easily forgotten.

Tommy didn’t want to climb a tree. He didn’t know if he even could climb a tree at his age without hurting himself. Theo didn’t care how old Tommy was or how hard it would be to get up there, but he was still screaming and squirming and Tommy…well, he’d never been around kids long enough to know how to deal with them in a tantrum state. Whenever he saw Sal’s kids, Sal or Gina were present. The few times he’d seen Jee-Yun, Evan had been there. Even with Christopher, Eddie had been with them the whole time.

“Fine,” Tommy said. “I’m going to get your balloon.”

Theo clapped and cheered. Tommy rolled his eyes.

“Are you sure?” Abby asked.

“Yeah,” Tommy said. “Can’t be that hard, can it?”

“If you say so,” Abby said.

“Theo, you have to be good. I’m going to put you down. You have to stay down here and listen to Abby.” He inhaled a breath. “I am going to climb a tree.”

“I cannot believe you’re climbing a tree,” Abby said.

She was still holding his phone and Tommy presumed that Josh was still on the line. Police still hadn’t arrived, but Tommy figured they were probably doing what Abby asked and checking for parties in the park.

Tommy walked around the tree and he heard Theo following behind him. He found a place to start. The tree leaned a little and there was a place for him to step up so he could facilitate reaching a branch that could help him pull himself up.

Theo cheered him on, clapping and saying, “go, go go!”

He could hear Abby laughing and when he glanced back, Theo waved at Tommy while jumping up and down.

The balloon wasn’t actually too high up the tree, caught about mid-way. Once Tommy had made it onto one branch, it was a little easier to pull himself up to a higher one and then he saw the balloon’s string caught up in small branches and unravelled it until he could tug the balloon free, hoping that it would just come down instead of getting snagged again, or worse popping.

“My balloon!” Theo called out.

Alongside Theo’s voice, Tommy heard sirens and when he glanced in their direction he was surprised to see not just a police cruiser, but a firetruck. No ambulance at least. If Josh had made the call to send them out when Abby told him Tommy was climbing a tree, Tommy was never going to hear the end of it. He really hoped that wasn’t why they were there.

Getting down turned out to be harder than getting up more because of the balloon than anything else. Tommy did not want all his efforts getting wasted. Not to mention, if the balloon did pop, how would Theo react? Tommy suspected it wouldn’t go over well. So, he was slow and careful about it and he froze when he heard Howie’s voice carry down to him.

The 118 had been called out.

Tommy cursed Josh. Had he done it on purpose? He moved faster, they were not going to catch Tommy still on the tree.

“Calm down,” Eddie said, voice getting closer. “Josh said nothing happened to him.”

“It’s not an electrical tower this time,” Ravi said, which…what did that mean?

Tommy got down to the branch he’d started on. Theo was jumping up and down. Abby stood next to him shaking her head. Tommy just had to make it down to the ground. Theo was watching him expectantly and then…then, Theo was running before Abby could grab him.

“BUCK!”

Abby met his eyes and Tommy was sure that her surprise was mirrored in his as he made it down from the tree, still holding the balloon. How did the kid and Evan know each other?

Theo hadn’t gone far. He was off the ground, arms around Evan’s neck and all of Evan’s attention was focused on him. They looked…how had Tommy not seen it earlier? The curls, the eyes, the way he smiled even. This kid was practically a copy of Evan just smaller and younger. A mini-Evan. Evan’s hands were checking every part of the kid and he was muttering to him too low for Tommy or Abby to hear.

“You didn’t tell me he had kid,” Abby whispered to him.

“I didn’t know he had a kid,” Tommy whispered back.

“Oh,” Abby said back.

“Yeah.”

Theo was old enough to have been alive when he and Evan were dating. Had Evan known about him and just decided not to tell Tommy? But no, there would have been signs. Evan would not have kept a whole kid secret.

Theo’s eyes seemed to catch the movement of the balloon.

“My balloon,” he said, arm reaching towards it.

Evan finally looked in Tommy’s direction, eyes getting wide. “Uh. Yeah,” he said. “That’s your balloon.”

Then, his gaze went to Abby and he gasped. One ex was unexpected, but two? Two was probably even less expected. Evan didn’t even seem to know what to say.

The rest of the 118 was standing just behind Evan. Hen looked like she didn’t know if she should say something or not. Chim was looking between all of them, mouth slack. He reached for his radio and turned away. Eddie…did Eddie just do the sign of the cross on himself? Ravi just shook his head and Athena Grant’s son — Tommy could not, for the life of him, remember his name — looked mostly confused. The police officer walking up seemed to sense the tension too since he hung back.

“Hi,” Abby said. “So, this little guy belongs to you?”

“You could say that,” Evan said. “How — do I even—”

“I want my balloon,” Theo said.

Tommy stepped forward. Evan took the string, tied it around Theo’s wrist lest it fly away again.

“Thanks,” Theo said.

“Yes. Thank you,” Evan said.

“Can I go down?” Theo asked.

Evan seemed a little reluctant and Tommy could understand all things considered, but Theo wiggled in his arms and Evan sighed. “Please do not run off. Stay where we can see you.”

“I can watch him,” Hen said.

Theo happily ran towards Hen and took her outstretched hand.

“What…what happened?” Evan asked.

Tommy was glad when Abby took the reins and explained how they had wound up with Theo. Him running past them. No one chasing him. The balloon in the tree. How they had called 911 at once because it was so unusual.

“And then Tommy climbed the tree to fetch his balloon,” Abby said.

“This kid and balloons,” Evan muttered. “You did not have to do that.”

“No,” Tommy said. “I really think I did.”

Evan laughed and shook his head.

“This is not the first time this has happened?” Abby asked.

“We met after he chased a balloon up an electrical tower,” Evan said and shook his head. “Kid’s going to have me greying more than I already am. I just…honestly, I’m glad he ran into you guys. He probably would have climbed the tree if you weren’t here to…what?”

“He tried,” Tommy said.

Evan just laughed. “Of course he did.”

“Wait, you met…recently?” Abby asked.

“Yeah. A few months ago,” Evan said. “It’s…it’s a long story and—”

“Buck! Buck! Come see!”

The balloon was bobbing in the air as Theo moved. Evan looked at him and Abby and then went to his son. His son! Evan had a son.

“Yeah,” Abby said, “you are in trouble.”

“Me?” Tommy asked.

Her lips curled up into a smile. “You don’t know what your face looks like when you look at him.”

Tommy might not know what his face was doing, but he knew what he felt. That Abby could just read it off of him, it was…well, it was a little embarrassing. How obvious was he that he’d never stopped caring about Evan? How he was so very hopelessly in love even after all the time that had passed.

Hen had apparently decided to leave Theo to Evan. Evan was crouching next to Theo and they were looking at—

“Caterpillar,” Hen supplied.

The police officer caught Abby’s attention to ask a few questions for his report. Tommy gave a statement as well.

“Alright, team, time to head back to the station,” Chim said and then he frowned, eyes on Evan and Theo. “I guess you’re taking the rest of the day off? Again?”

Evan stood up. Theo seemed to be captivated by the caterpillar and didn’t move from where he was crouched.

“Yeah, I think so,” Evan said.

Chim groaned. “This is getting ridiculous. Where was the kid supposed to be today?”

Tommy was not prepared for the glare that Evan shot Chim. “With your wife,” he said. “Yet, somehow…”

Chim winced and Tommy saw him grab his phone, presumably calling Maddie. She didn’t seem to be picking up. A look of worry crossed his face.

“Yeah,” Evan said, “she isn’t answering me either. I thought they were supposed to be staying at your house, so how is my kid all the way here at a park? One nowhere near your house.”

“When we asked him where he came from he said he was at a party,” Abby supplied.

“A party?” Evan asked, practically through gritted teeth.

“You have got to figure out your child care, Buck,” Eddie said in a tone that suggested a joke.

“I thought I had,” Buck said and then he went back to Theo, talking to him in gentle tones and coaxing him away from the caterpillar.

Theo’s hand was in Evan’s and it was so tiny in comparison and he was looking up at Evan and Evan was looking down at him and they were both just so absolutely perfect. Then Theo lifted his hands and Evan swooped him up into his arms. Theo giggled.

“He looks good as a dad,” Abby said.

Tommy groaned and Abby laughed. She wasn’t wrong.

The others had already started heading back to where the fire engine was parked. Chim had his phone pressed to his ear, but he was talking into his radio. Tommy didn’t know what to say or even if he should say anything.

In all the times he dreamed about seeing Evan again, none of them had gone like this. None of them had included Abby and certainly not a kid that was undeniably Evan’s son. He’d always thought it would happen during work. Or maybe he’d get a call to help them with something because that’s how they all saw him, right? Useful when needed, but unnecessary at any other time. He’d thought maybe, in the most unlikely of scenarios, that Evan might come to him. A call. A text. Just showing up and waiting on his front step.

“I’m really, really glad he ran into you,” Evan said. “I don’t know what could have—”

Tommy remembered Theo falling off the tree. Yeah, this could have gone so much worse.

“‘Nothing did,” Abby said. “He’s great, Buck.”

“Thanks,” Buck said.

“Buck! You coming?” Chim called.

Evan inhaled a breath. “I should—”

“Yeah,” Tommy said.

Abby gave him a pointed look.

“Evan, wait,” Tommy said. “Is there any way that we could talk? Not…not now, but maybe soon?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah. Definitely.”

Tommy knew that Abby would tease him about it and the big smile that he probably had on his face.

“Are you working today?” Evan asked.

“No. I’m free all day.”

Evan grinned. “Then, I’ll text you.”

“Sure.”

“Say bye to Tommy and Abby, Theo,” Evan said.

“Bye Tommy! Bye Abby!” He waved at them.

Then, they were gone. Tommy couldn’t help but just stare after them. Abby was trying to hide a laugh when he turned back to her.

“Did you know I got married?” Abby asked, apropos of nothing.

Tommy did know that. He nodded.

“His name is Sam. We met in Europe while I was travelling and it was like nothing I’d ever felt before. We just understood each other. It was like filling a void that had been left in me waiting for the right person to come along. You weren’t it. Buck wasn’t it. Sam, he is that for me.”

“I’m happy for you,” Tommy said.

She smiled. “Thanks. He has two daughters, Tess and Natalie. They’re amazing and I love them both so much. They’re mine too in a lot of ways. I didn’t know if I could be with someone that already had kids, to step into a role that wasn’t really mine to step into, but I loved Sam. Our girls were wary at first, but they were willing to let me in and I cherish that so much. Tess is having a baby, that’s really why I’m here. She moved out here with her husband and she’s due any day now.”

“You’re going to be a grandma,” Tommy said.

Abby laughed. “Yeah. I guess I am. Strange, I didn’t think I was that old.”

Tommy laughed.

“I’m just saying that I hope Theo doesn’t change your mind about Buck.”

“It doesn’t,” Tommy said and he knew it was true.

“Good. Something tells me you both have a good chance of making it.”

He walked with Abby for a little longer, catching up on a few more things unrelated to Evan. It was long enough for his phone to light up with a text from Evan. An address followed immediately by another text.

I moved. Theo and I will be home in an hour. Come over for lunch.

“Buck?” Abby asked.

“I guess I have lunch plans.”

She grinned at him and bumped her shoulder against his. “Go get ‘em.”

“Congrats on your grandbaby,” Tommy said. “I’m really glad you’re happy, Abby. I always hoped you would be.”

“I hope you and Evan are happy too. I’ll be mad if I don’t get invited to the wedding.”

Tommy laughed and the panic that should have come over him at the thought of a wedding didn’t. Well, maybe there was a little bit of it, but it wasn’t about the possible wedding as much as it was because despite Abby thinking it was possible, Tommy wasn’t convinced that it would.

“Stop overthinking everything,” Abby said. “It’s not as hopeless as you want to make it be, you just gotta give it a shot.”

He hugged her goodbye and they parted ways, Abby heading towards where she’d parked her rental and Tommy walking back towards his house. A shower seemed in order after being out at the park and climbing a tree. He dressed casually, like it wasn’t a huge deal that he was going to see Evan for the first time in months, but took his time with his hair.

By the time that he was in his car and driving towards Evan’s new place, Tommy felt the nerves rushing in. He wasn’t too surprised that Evan had moved again and when he pulled up in front of the house, he already knew that it fit Evan perfectly.

There were two cars in the driveway. Evan’s truck he recognized, but he didn’t know the other. Suddenly, a new fear was unlocked. What if Evan didn’t just have a kid but a partner. There had been something of an implication from Howie and Eddie that Evan was doing it on his own, but for a child to exist there was usually a mother. Was this a more complicated situation than Tommy expected?

But Evan had invited him over. Even if they were only going to catch up and be friends, Tommy wanted Evan in his life. As he walked up, he realized that he should have probably brought something, but it was too late and it might not be necessary.

He knocked. Only had to wait a few seconds before the door opened.

Evan looked a lot more frazzled than he had at the park. He’d changed into jeans, but he was still wearing his LAFD short sleeve t-shirt.

“Oh. Hey,” Evan said and smiled. “Come in.”

A thunder of footsteps came rushing towards them and Theo barreled right into his legs.

“Hi, Theo,” Tommy said.

“Hi! What’s your name again?”

Tommy chuckled. “It’s Tommy.”

“With a T, like me,” Theo said.

“That’s right,” Tommy said.

Evan looked at them with a tired grin. “Alright, well, how about we let Tommy come into the house, Theo?”

“Okay.”

Tommy heard a noise from further into the house.

“Sorry,” Evan said, “Maddie’s here.”

It was Maddie’s car out in the driveway. Something in Tommy loosened.

“That’s alright. Is she joining us for lunch?”

Evan shook his head as they walked into Evan’s living room. There were a lot of toys scattered everywhere. Maddie was by the couch helping Jee-Yun put her shoes on. Jee was distractedly looking at the screen of Maddie’s phone and didn’t even care that a new person had entered the room. It was striking how much she’d grown since the last time Tommy saw her.

“No,” Evan said, “she’s leaving.”

Maddie glanced up and seemed surprised to see Tommy there.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hey,” Tommy returned.

She glanced at Evan and Tommy had never seen Evan so displeased to have his sister there. Theo tugged at Tommy’s pants and he glanced down.

“Hey, Mr. Tommy, do you want to play?”

That seemed far safer than whatever was going on between the Buckley siblings. He could feel Maddie’s gaze on him.

“Sure thing, kid, but I gotta warn you, I’m not up for climbing any more trees today.”

Theo giggled and he tugged at Tommy until Tommy moved with him, following him through the house to where the doors were open onto the backyard where more toys were spilled out on the patio. Maybe Theo and Jee-Yun had been playing out there.

“What are we playing?” Tommy asked.

There was a toy firetruck and what looked to be a lego building.

“Firefighters,” Theo announced.

“Okay, sure.” Tommy said.

Theo pointed him to a cleared spot. “You sit there.”

Despite being outside with Theo, Tommy could make out some of the conversation from inside the house.

“I said I’m sorry,” Maddie said. “And I am. The moment I realized he was gone I—”

“By the time you realized, Josh was already calling me to ask if Theo was with me,” Evan said. “Maddie, I don’t even want to talk about this anymore. We’re going in circles. I told you not to come over. I said I had plans. I—”

“I needed to see him,” Maddie said. “I needed to see him for myself.”

“And you did. He’s fine. Now, just…just go. And don’t worry about tomorrow, Carla is coming to watch him.”

“Buck—”

They must have walked to the door, because Tommy didn’t hear the rest of whatever was said and anyway, Theo wanted him to place the little action figures on top of the lego tower so he could save them with the toy ladder truck.

“Save me. Save me,” Tommy said, pitching his voice higher.

Theo giggled. He drove the toy truck around in circles and over obstacles, making car noises and siren noises as he did. Tommy was so absolutely besotted by this child already. Then, Theo finally made it to the tower and he propped the ladder up and Tommy made his action figures go down.

“All safe,” Theo declared.

Evan cleared his throat from the doorway. “Lunch time.”

“But I’m playing with Tommy,” Theo said.

“Yeah, but Tommy is hungry. Aren’t you hungry?” Tommy asked.

Evan tried to hide a chuckle.

“I guess,” Theo said.

“And before lunch, we do what, Theo?” Evan asked.

“Wash hands,” Theo said.

Theo walked presumably to the bathroom.

“I am so sorry,” Evan said. “I’m sure this is not what you imagined when I invited you for lunch but—”

Tommy stepped closer to Evan and rested his hands on Evan’s shoulders. “It’s alright, Evan. I want to hear all about it, okay?”

Evan took a breath. “Yeah. Yeah. Okay.”

Theo was back and he showed them his hands. “All clean.”

“All clean,” Evan repeated. “Good. Why don’t you two sit and I’ll bring the food over.”

Theo eyed Tommy.

“What?” Tommy asked.

“You didn’t wash your hands,” Theo said.

When Tommy didn’t respond, Theo fixed him with a look.

“My Buck says you always wash your hands before food.”

“And he’s right,” Tommy said. “I will be right back.”

He wandered into the kitchen where Evan was holding back laughter.

“Schooled by a — how old is he?”

“Four,” Evan said.

Evan had prepared them sandwiches and potato wedges. The one meant for Theo was smaller, cut up into little triangles, and had no crusts. Tommy helped him bring everything in including a sippy cup after he washed his hands. Theo had already gotten into his chair and he had some sort of fidget toy that he was messing around with.

Theo was happy enough to eat when they first sat down. Munching on the potato wedges Evan had put in front of him and one of the sandwich triangles. That quickly changed into smushing the potatoes between his fingers. Evan seemed to catch it too.

“Theo, what did I say about playing with your food?” Evan asked.

“Food’s for eating,” Theo said.

“Yes. So, what are you doing?”

Theo gave Evan a guilty look and then he brought the mushed potato to his mouth.

“That was well handled,” Tommy ventured.

Evan laughed. “It works about half the time. I’ve pretty much given up on getting stains out of my clothes. But I’ve learned that the only way he drinks anything is through a sippy cup, otherwise he just spills it or blows bubbles into it with a straw. Spoons are great for launching food across the room so finger foods are best and luckily a lot of kid foods are finger foods. Of course, he can also throw things with his hands, but he’s getting better about that.”

Tommy watched as Theo ate more of his potato wedges and nibbled on another sandwich triangle until it was finished. Then, he grabbed his sippy cup and drank what Tommy assumed had to be juice or milk.

“All done,” he announced.

“Sure, kid,” Evan said. “You can go back to playing.”

Theo did not waste time getting off the chair and running back to his toys. He seemed happy enough to play on his own and Tommy saw the look that Evan followed him with. The fondness. The love that Evan felt.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions,” Evan said.

Tommy did. “How did—”

“I was a sperm donor,” Evan said.

Tommy had not expected that. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting, maybe that Evan had gotten some girl pregnant and something happened to her landing Theo in Evan’s lap. Not that Evan had been a sperm donor.

“It was a friend of mine, he turned out to be sterile and he and his wife wanted to become parents and they asked if I would help them.”

“And you did,” Tommy said.

It was the type of thing that Evan would do, Tommy mused. If someone asked for his help, Evan would help them even if it meant giving them his sperm. It was admirable.

“Yeah. Afterwards I thought that was it. I donated. They got pregnant. Then, Kameron showed up at my apartment. Nine months pregnant. She and Connor had some fight and she asked if she could stay with me. I couldn’t turn her away. Kameron went into labor at the loft and he came faster than the paramedics so I helped deliver him. He was so little and so beautiful and he was mine. For one moment, he was mine, but he really wasn’t. And now…now he is. Sort of.”

That must have made it so much harder. Evan felt everything so strongly, so deeply. It was one thing to go into a place, rub one out into a cup and hand the thing in for them to use, it was something else to then have a friendship with the people you were donating to. To have to deliver the baby.

“You didn’t keep in contact, did you?” Tommy asked.

If he had, Tommy would have known. It wasn’t something that Evan would have hidden when they were dating. He must have pushed them far away in his mind so as to not dwell.

“I pretty much just stopped responding. It felt like the right thing to do. And it just made it easier to move on. I was the donor, not the dad. I didn’t want to confuse myself or Theo. I didn’t even know that was his name until I met him a few months ago.”

“And you were contacted when they passed away?” Tommy asked, surprised. That seemed more than a little unusual to him.

Evan shook his head. “No. I met Theo on a call, didn’t even know it was him, you know, I just thought he was some kid. Theo was chasing a balloon after escaping his daycare and he wound up climbing an electrical tower.”

“Wow,” Tommy said. “So, do you have a stash of red balloons somewhere?”

Evan shook his head. “If I could get rid of all balloons, I swear I would.”

“Where, uh, where was Theo supposed to be today?”

Evan sighed. “Maddie said she would watch him today. She forgot that Jee was invited to a birthday party and so she took them and Nash to the party.”

Tommy could see it in Evan’s face how mad he was about the whole thing.

“So, it was at the park? He didn’t go far?”

Evan shook his head. “I wish. No, I think the house is a block away from the park. He got out of the yard and crossed multiple streets before he got to the park and then to you and…and Abby.”

“Oh,” Tommy said. That was much worse.

“Yeah. Maddie didn’t even realize he was gone. When I think about what could have happened to him, I just…it makes me so angry. Why wasn’t she more careful with him? Why doesn’t she realize that he isn’t like Jee? Or that taking him to a party where he doesn’t know anyone would just—” Evan trailed off and rubbed a hand over his face.

Tommy wanted to give him a hug.

“I feel,” Evan said after a moment, “like I’m being unfair. She has two kids and adding one more for her to look after is not easy. I know I’d be overwhelmed, but it’s like…I don’t think anyone wants to understand him.”

Theo made a loud noise as he crashed two cars together. It was followed by a giggle and Tommy saw Evan smile. It was a bit unfair how cute he was. How cute the two of them were. Abby was right, he was in trouble. Tommy knew that he could walk away, he also knew that it would break his heart all over again. It wasn’t just Evan anymore, he came with a plus one. A little tiny guy that Tommy hadn’t even known for a whole day, but who he already thought of as absolutely precious and important.

“What do you mean?” Tommy asked.

Evan sighed. “He’s a bit wild. Chim keeps saying his name should have been Dennis. I mean, my house has never been as messy. He’s broken so many things. He’s drawn on the walls. None of this has been easy. At least he’s sleeping through the night now.”

“He’s a kid, Evan, of course this isn’t easy.”

If anyone ever thought that kids would be easy, they hadn’t really dealt with any kids.

“No. I know. I know. I knew what I was signing up for. It’s not like he didn’t walk into this house the first time like a little hurricane. He stuck a coloring book in my oven and turned it on. He’s smart and curious and stubborn but there really is no diagnosis yet but his therapist thinks adhd wouldn’t be out of the question.”

It was a lot. Far more than anyone should be able to handle alone and Tommy knew exactly what was wrong without needing Evan to really say it. He was alone. His sister had two kids of her own. She could only do so much to support Evan and clearly she was trying. Chim was a dad too and Captain of the 118. Hen had her own kids and hadn’t Tommy heard about her having some health issues a while back? So, where was Eddie? Was anyone other than Maddie actually showing up for Evan and helping him navigate having a kid all of a sudden? He was afraid to find out.

“Buck, I’m thirsty,” Theo announced.

Buck reached for the sippy cup and handed it to Theo. Theo handed it back a moment later after a few sips.

“Thanks.”

Tommy remembered what Theo had been like at the park. The stubborn need to get the balloon and how he’d squirmed and yelled when Tommy was holding him. Then, he could also be this kid. Polite. Nice. Relaxed, even. But then, things were going his way. He was somewhere where he likely felt safe. He asked for a drink and got it. He could play with his toys without anyone bothering him. If he got bored of his current activity, Evan could probably provide something else to keep him entertained. He wondered what it was like when Evan needed him to do something he didn’t want to do? Did he refuse? Did he cry and scream and throw a tantrum?

The thing that really struck Tommy was that Evan would have dropped everything to help out his friends. In fact, Tommy had seen him do just that. When Chris went off to Texas, who picked up the pieces of Eddie’s life? Who helped him keep moving? Who showed up whenever Eddie called no matter what Evan had going on? How many dates had Tommy been gracious about Evan cancelling even if a part of him was screaming just because Evan needed to go over and make sure Eddie was okay. So where was Eddie now that Evan needed him?

Tommy knew he didn’t yet have the whole picture and he didn’t know what Eddie had or hadn’t done. He just knew that at the end of the day, in this house, it was just Evan and Theo with no one to pick up the slack and Tommy…well, Tommy wanted to be the one in it with him.

Tommy did not expect Theo to show up next to his chair, looking sweet as anything, his eyes and his stare so much like his father’s. Tommy knew he could get attached to Theo as easily as he had Evan.

“Play with me?” Theo asked and handed him a toy car.

Tommy looked at Evan. Evan just shrugged, but he was smiling.

“Uh, sure.”

“That gives me time to clear this up and do the dishes,” Evan said.

So, Tommy found himself on the ground with Theo playing with cars. Not racing. Crashing cars into other cars while Theo cheered and laughed and made car noises. Sometimes, he would look up at Tommy and Tommy wasn’t sure if he was looking for approval or for Tommy to be present in their play, but he would grin and his gaze would go back to the cars.

“You guys having fun?” Evan asked.

“Tommy’s fun!” Theo declared.

Evan’s eyes were twinkling as he grinned at them. “He is, isn’t he?”

“Yeah!” Theo screamed.

Tommy couldn’t help but chuckle.

“And how do you feel about watching a movie?” Evan asked.

Theo looked to Tommy as if his opinion mattered most of all.

“A movie sounds great,” he said.

Theo got to his feet. Tommy followed after him and Evan to the living room. Evan settled Theo on the couch and then he went through a few choices for Theo until he picked Toy’s Story. A classic, in Tommy’s opinion.

Theo insisted that Tommy sit next to him, so Tommy did and Evan sat down on Tommy’s other side. They weren’t far into the movie before Theo was nodding off, head leaned into Tommy’s side.

“Sorry,” Evan said. “This is the only way I can get him to nap. He denies needing one if I actually mention it.”

Tommy arranged himself and Theo so that Theo’s head came to rest on his lap instead and he wasn’t as tangled up. Theo sighed and he was asleep in minutes.

“It’s alright,” Tommy said. “I’m used to being used as a pillow.”

Evan’s cheeks pinked up. “You were very good at that.”

“How are you, Evan? Really. This is a big change.”

“Some days it feels overwhelming and like I couldn’t possibly do this and then I look at him and I know it’s worth it. He’s lost so much already. I only called the social worker to check on him, but to find out he’d been through four foster homes and that there was no family coming forward to claim him, I just…I felt like I had to, you know? He wasn’t meant to be mine, but—”

“But he is,” Tommy finished. “What, uh, what happened with his parents?”

Tommy had already assumed the worst. There was no way not to jump to that conclusion.

“Car accident. Theo was there too, he wasn’t injured, but Connor and Kameron…there was nothing anyone could have done.”

“You were there,” Tommy said.

“Yeah.”

Evan cleared his throat, pushing any emotion he still felt about the whole thing down. “So, Abby was at the park too?”

“Ran into her randomly. Then Theo was running past. I told her about us, she thought it was hilarious. She’s doing really well, one of her stepdaughters is having a baby, that’s why she’s in LA.”

Tommy decided to keep to himself what Abby had said about an invitation to their wedding.

“You seemed friendly,” Evan said.

“Yeah. I didn’t expect that either, honestly. I thought we’d say hello and go our separate ways. She’s really happy, I think she’s way past anything that happened in the past.”

Tommy hadn’t realized how light it had made him feel, but it did. Knowing that Abby didn’t hold any grudges and that Abby didn’t hate him for everything he’d put her through, it lifted a weight off his shoulders that Tommy hadn’t even known existed.

“I’m glad you got to talk,” Evan said.

They both watched the movie for a few minutes. It had been a long time since Tommy had watched an animated movie, let alone this particular one. Theo had good taste at least.

“I wanted to call you,” Evan said, breaking the silence.

Tommy turned to look at him and found Evan already looking back. He looked a little nervous. It reminded Tommy of that day when he’d agreed to meet up with Evan despite the way their first date ended.

“For a while now,” Evan said. “After Bobby I just…it was really hard and then too much time had passed and then…well…so much has happened that we probably shouldn’t dwell on now, but I guess I didn’t want to call and disrupt your life.”

Tommy was curious, but he figured Evan was probably right. Anything else that might have happened over the last year or more, it could wait.

“I wanted you to call,” Tommy said.

He didn’t think he should tell Evan how much it had hurt when his texts following Bobby’s funeral went unanswered. How Tommy had known that Evan would be devastated, but how much he’d wanted to be there for him and then he’d had to convince himself that Evan didn’t actually want or need him.

“Oh,” Evan said.

Tommy laughed a little. “Evan, I always want you to call.”

“That’s…that’s good to know. Sometimes…I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like making my stuff a burden on you.”

“That could never happen,” Tommy said. “You will never burden me.”

Tommy was feeling brave. Maybe it was the smile that Evan was giving him, maybe it was the child whose head still rested on his leg, or maybe it was that Abby had encouraged him and also given him absolution that Tommy hadn’t exactly been looking for or needed, but that cleared up something of his past and made him perhaps a little more open to a future that he wanted more than he’d ever allowed himself to really want. His love for Evan might not be without hope, but it was sort of endless and that couldn’t be ignored.

“I know right now might not be the best time and you’re dealing with a lot, but I haven’t stopped thinking about you, Evan, and I think maybe we could try again.”

“Even though—” Evan motioned at Theo.

“Not a deal breaker,” Tommy said.

It really wasn’t. Maybe it meant that they had to traverse things more carefully, but for Tommy there really wasn’t anyone else, was there? He had tried dating in an attempt to move on and no one was Evan. Tommy had tried not to, but the comparison had just shown up in his mind and why wouldn’t it when he still thought about Evan every day? The regret that he felt for not talking things out when Evan asked him to move in and then the way that his hopes had been dashed in Eddie’s kitchen…well, Tommy was not over Evan and he wasn’t going to be. So if Evan wanted to give it another shot, then it was worth taking.

“That’s good,” Evan said. “I’ve missed you.”

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” Tommy said.

They smiled at each other and Evan shifted closer, hand reaching for Tommy’s face, his fingers landing on his cheek, blue eyes gazing into his own and then he leaned in and their lips met in a kiss that was all too similar to their very first one. It was tentative. It was gentle. It was perfect. He pressed his forehead to Evan’s when it was over.

“So,” Tommy said, “are you free Saturday?”

Evan chuckled, lightly, his breath brushing over Tommy. “If I can get a babysitter.”

“Even if you can’t,” Tommy said.

#bucktommy #im going to CRY this is perfect #god Abby Tommy and Buck in the same space post Theo??#I want it #I WANT IT SO BAD #this is freaking delightful

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