CHAINSAW'S HORROR/SCIFI/CYBERPUNK

Film. TV. Books. Video games. Comic books. Let's talk about it.

[chainsawmcd]

THE MUNSTERS

I’ve been a Rob Zombie superfan since La Sexorcisto, but nobody bats a thousand. I watched THE MUNSTERS so let’s talk about it. SPOILER FREE!

THE GOOD -

* Not much. There’s clearly some passion for the source material and a couple of solid performances (Jeff Daniel Phillips and Sheri Moon Zombie are FINE...but not great).

* Some of the sets were genuinely impressive. The lab Herman is built in is a particularly fun design.

THE BAD -

* Literally everything else.

* The horror is as unscary as the comedy is unfunny - and the comedy is ENORMOUSLY unfunny. Really, REALLY bad jokes that feel dated from the first moment to the last.

* The writing is abysmal. The story is unfocused, weirdly episodic, and poorly structured. You’re not sure where it’s going and you’re not excited when you get there.

THE UGLY -

* The COLOR. The TV series this movie is based on was in BLACK AND WHITE. Why is this the most colorful movie I’ve ever seen? WTF is that about? Literally every shot is DRIPPING with saturation. I was shocked my TV screen could return to black when I turned this shit off. In fact, there’s a scene with Herman and Lily standing on a suburban American street with completely unmotivated lights on their FACES that scroll through the color wheel, one hue at a time. WHY?!?!?!?!?! WHY DID YOU DO THAT, ROB?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

LONG STORY SHORT -

Avoid at all costs. THE MUNSTERS is a train wreck of a film, lacking any real scares, laughs, or entertainment value. I hate to say this about a Rob Zombie joint (because White Zombie was so unbelievably good) but save yourself the time and money and skip this one.

[chainsawmcd]

NOPE

The third film from writer/director Jordan Peele and it is a DOOZY. I watched NOPE so let’s talk about it. SPOILER FREE!

THE GOOD -

* Daniel Kaluuya and Keke Palmer. They’re hilarious and relatable and cool. You want to know these characters in real life, and I loved that.

* Peele's unique vision. The film masterfully blends horror, comedy, and social commentary, creating a unique and unforgettable experience.

* The big, sci-fi set pieces. This movie can pivot on a dime from hilarious banter to OH HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT THING OMG AAAAAAA!

THE BAD -

* It doesn’t have those big, holistic, socio-political critique moments that GET OUT had. Peele’s debut was so unbelievably strong, he’s still trying to outrun its shadow. There’s no big, theme-cementing reveal in NOPE - and that’s not inherently a bad thing - he’s not Shyamalan, he doesn’t need to inject that twist into everything - but I think audiences are still expecting it and somewhat let down when they don’t find it.

THE UGLY -

* Nothing ugly, just a few intense and graphic moments that might be too much for some viewers.

LONG STORY SHORT -

Highly recommended. NOPE is a tour de force of filmmaking, with outstanding performances and a visionary director at the helm. This film is not to be missed.

[chainsawmcd]

THE PALE BLUE EYE

I don’t know who told Hollywood that audiences are clamoring for Edgar Allen Poe to solve crime, but they’re WRONG! I watched The Pale Blue Eye so let’s talk about it. SPOILER FREE!

THE GOOD -

* Christian Bale. Believe it or not, one of the better working actors in the world puts in a solid performance. How about that?

THE BAD -

* Slow-paced to the point of boredom. The film takes too much time to build tension or suspense and never fully delivers on its promise.

* The mystery is intricate, but it's not well developed, making it hard to follow and ultimately unsatisfying.

THE UGLY -

* Harry Melling’s portrayal of Edgar Allen Poe. I loved him in Queen’s Gambit so I’m inclined to believe this is a directing problem. It’s the worst version of EAP I’ve ever seen. Hated the accent, the mannerisms, the everything. 

LONG STORY SHORT -

Not recommended. Despite an intriguing premise and talented actors, THE PALE BLUE EYE falls short in execution. Save your time and skip this one.

[chainsawmcd]

THE MENU

YES CHEF!!!!! 

I watched The Menu so let’s talk about it. SPOILER FREE!

THE GOOD -

* Anya Taylor-Joy. I keep waiting for the movie I won’t like her in.

* Ralph Fiennes. As the head chef of a high-end restaurant, he turns in a very entertaining portrait of a tortured, misunderstood artist.

* The cuisine. The film is set in a Michelin-starred restaurant, and everything about the food is bizarre and hilarious.

THE BAD -

* Over-reliance on shock value. Despite the situation and setting you never feel any real tension.

* The supporting characters. These people are all genuinely reprehensible and gross. I didn’t care for most of the characters, including one played by my beloved John Leguizamo.

THE UGLY -

* The art direction. I hated the restaurant set, the wardrobe choices were dull and obvious, and the big, horrifying set pieces were neither big nor horrifying.

LONG STORY SHORT -

Recommended for fans of Anya Taylor-Joy and Ralph Fiennes. While it may not offer anything groundbreaking, it’s still an entertaining watch.

[chainsawmcd]

The Hunger (1983)

THE HUNGER directed by Tony Scott. Let’s talk about it. SPOILER FREE!

I don’t know how an aging goth kid like me never saw this stylish gem before. Here’s the pale, coiffed, skinny on the most surprising and unconventional lesbian vampire flick of the 80s.

THE GOOD -

* The opening! My GOD! The OPENING! If you don’t watch the whole film, at least watch the first ten minutes to witness the goth fantasy distilled. A dance club in a warehouse playing Bauhaus to gorgeous people in black leather jackets, dark sunglasses, and stage makeup, smoking cigarettes like cancer never existed. You can practically smell the cloves through the screen! 

* Every single design choice. The Hunger might be Tony Scott’s most stylistic work ever. Every window has a billowing curtain in front of it. Every face is streaked by the shadows of Venetian blinds. Every marble hallway has John Woo-style doves flapping about. Every stitch of wardrobe looks custom-tailored to scream, “This is what it was to be gorgeous in 1983!”

* The cast. Susan Sarandon. Catherine Deneuve. David Bowie. Holy shit.

* That sex scene. Holy. Shit!

THE BAD -

* There’s more style than substance here. The story doesn’t exactly grab you the same way the visuals do. This was Scott’s theatrical debut after a career making commercials, and I’m afraid it shows. 

* I don’t need fangs and crosses and Transylvania in every vampire story, but if you’re going to eschew convention and make up your own rules, you should tell the audience what they are.

THE UGLY -

* There’s absolutely nothing ugly in this. It may be dated, but it’s not ugly.

LONG STORY SHORT -

Recommend. It’s not gripping but it’s too beautiful not to see.

[chainsawmcd]

The Hellbound Heart by Clive Barker

THE HELLBOUND HEART by Clive Barker. Let's talk about it. MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD!

I enjoyed the new Hellraiser movie so much I just had to pick up the original novella that the series is based on for a quick re-read.

THE GOOD -

* It's a tawdry little story before you even get to the Clive Barker gore-horror of it all. There's sex, passion, betrayal.... A loveless marriage. An irresistible bad-boy. Infidelity. It's juicy! Dramatic! SPICY!

* It's also hella gross - in a good way! If you haven't read Barker before then let m prepare you for his visceral carnage. He doesn't just describe how gore looks, he describes how you'd feel about the gore if you were in the room with it. The panic, the pain, the terror... It's really shocking for the uninitiated.

* It's short! ~100 pages. Very snackable.

THE BAD -

* The Cenobites are barely present. If you're coming to the book after seeing the movies you'll be surprised that the stars of the films (or the monsters, at least) aren't the main course here. They sort of bookend all the drama they cause. I really wanted to hear more about them and their backstory but... It's just not there.

THE UGLY -

* The film franchise is iconic, but also hit-and-miss. It's hard not to compare this book to the movies it spawned but I suggest you set aside your expectations and appreciate the piece for itself.

LONG STORY SHORT -

Read it. The story holds up beautifully. If you've never read Clive Barker before it's a perfect introduction. And when you're done you can go read his Books of Blood, then Cabal, then Damnation Game, then...

[chainsawmcd]

Interview With The Vampire (2022)

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (2022) - Episode 1. Let's talk about it.

SPOILER FREE!

THE GOOD -

* Lestat. Sam Reid turns in the most faithful interpretation of the character yet. I can see this Lestat actually existing in the show's time period - Tom Cruise, not so much. It's this authenticity that makes Reid more horrifying and more alluring (if slightly less fun).

* The writing. Anne Rice (rest her sweet, sweet soul) had a steamily passionate, baroque style that's perfectly captured in Louis' narration. The "two heartbeats" monologue could have come straight from one of her books.

* The setting. The show takes us somewhere far more interesting than the deserted plantation home from the book. 1910 New Orleans sings and the du Lac family dynamics are somehow scarier than Lestat himself.

THE BAD -

* I'm wholly uninterested in the journalist and I don't care that he's dying.

* Mentions of "the virus" feel out of place and awkward, like a bad network note.

THE UGLY -

* AMC+ is $8.99/month. For a single fucking channel with maybe two shows anyone can be expected to care about. Insanity.

LONG STORY SHORT -

Highly recommend for anyone with even a passing interest in the books. Has the potential to surpass the film in quality, if not in the zeitgeist.

[zara2148]

So I love that Hellraiser 2022 is back to the original's conceit of "the real villain is a man who says he wants more out of life when it comes to sensation and pleasure but also would clearly find the idea of trying pegging emasculating."

Immaculate. Also, everything the Hell Priest says FUCKS.

AND THAT ENDING.

[chainsawmcd]

A House Of Bells by J.T. Croft

A HOUSE OF BELLS by J.T. Croft - A creepy horror(/mystery?) novel that never fully realizes its potential. Let's talk about it. SPOILER FREE.

THE GOOD -

Oh, the possibilities. So many delicious elements. Ghosts. WWI. Mediums. A haunted mansion. A unique main character that I truly enjoyed. The elements are all there!

Plus, it's breezy and readable for a period piece. The book's smart, simple prose practically dances off the page.

THE BAD -

Pacing. A ponderous first act is followed by a short, not-so-mysterious mystery before an ending that would have benefitted from a lot of cuts. Too long on the ends. Too short in the middle.

The shame of it is, I wanted this story to focus on what makes it cool and unique - a speech therapist in 1918 caring for a mute girl in a haunted house. Unfortunately, the book is overstuffed with the trivial details of side characters - and insists on giving each and every one of them a fully realized subplot.

THE UGLY -

By three-quarters through the book, I was counting pages until the end.

LONG STORY SHORT -

Though the author clearly has talent and taste, I just can't recommend this book.

[chainsawmcd]

Werewolf By Night

WEREWOLF BY NIGHT - Let's talk about it. SPOILER FREE!

THE GOOD -

Marvel broke the mold that has become their prison by trying something *GASP* different.

Gael Garcia Bernal. I will watch this man in anything. Home movies. Red light cameras. Anything.

They found the sweet-spot between the classic Universal/Hammer horror tone and the 21st century. Not an easy feat.

THE BAD -

I know it's only an hour long, but the character development is paper-thin. Motivations were weak. Theme unrealized. And I didn't love the dialogue.

Not a knock on this project, but it's definitely bad that Universal could have been making stuff like this for the past 20 years with their enormous vault of fun monster IP and they simply haven't.

THE UGLY -

Looks low-budget for a Marvel joint. It's well-cast but there's only one big star and there are basically two sets in the whole thing. If Disney doesn't have the money to try something cool and new with one of their major cash cows there is no hope for the rest of risk-averse Hollywood to step outside their comfort zones.

LONG STORY SHORT -

Recommend. It's good fun. Perfect for spooky season. The kind of horror you can watch with people that don't like horror. And at an hour long, it's not asking for much.

Also, we need to encourage the big boys to fund more unique projects like this. So what if they aren't perfect?

[forthegothicheroine]

There’s apparently going to be a slasher movie called Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey, now that (some of) the characters are in public domain. I have no desire to see it, but I’m not intent on picketing it either. (Did parents really protest Silent Night Deadly Night or was that proto-viral marketing? It’s funny either way, given what a cliche killer Santas have since become.)

That said, if we’re cracking open recent public domain works for slasher movies, I have some suggestions…

The Great Axeby

Nineteen Eighty-Gore

The Master and Murderita

The Sun Also Dies

The Threepenny Opera: All the Stuff in the Mack the Knife Song

and, in a few years, with any luck…

Steamboat Killy

[chainsawmcd]

Hellraiser (2022)

HELLRAISER!

Now that it's had a day or two to percolate, here's the good, the bad and the ugly. Mild spoilers ahead.

THE GOOD:

Design. Great sets. PHENOMENAL gore. Beautifully shot. Loved the score as well.

The Cenobites. Jamie Clayton nailed it.

The torture. Two thumbs up for the neck scene and, of course, that beautiful final scene.

THE BAD

The original felt weightier due to a very real, very adult, family drama at the center of it. A cast full of 20-something soon-to-be-victims felt familiar and tropey.

The pacing. First act felt slow/long. Pinhead doesn't show up until halfway through the movie. Second half is far better than the first half.

THE UGLY

How easy is this fucking puzzle box if people keep solving it on accident?

LONG STORY SHORT

It's not perfect but it's the refresh the series needed. Recommend.

[neil-gaiman]

Why do you use tumbrl as your main social media? Is not a bit outdated and filled with weird ppl?

Very much so! It's definitely outdated and filled with weird people. But I'm afraid it has some downsides as well.

[chainsawmcd]

I don't know what we call these videos but could we do the same thing with embalmers?

[closet-keys]

I wanna see a haunted house movie where when they break down and finally call paranormal investigators or exorcists or psychics or ghost hunters or whoever, the people they call in are just blatantly scamming them.

In the context of the movie the ghost/demon would still be completely real, but I want their only hope of some authority that could come in like a ghost cop and fix the problem to be someone who just straightforwardly rips them off, takes their money, and leaves them with the same bad situation but now with even less money they can use to move out of the house

[chainsawmcd]

WE ARE THE CENOBITES. ANGELS TO SOME. DEMONS TO OTHERS. AND, TO BE PERFECTLY CLEAR, "JUST FRIENDS" TO ONE ANOTHER.

[chainsawmcd]

I need another creative outlet like I need another hole in my head but here we are. I'm starting this Tumblr to discuss genre fiction. Horror. Sci-fi. Cyberpunk. Etc. 

There will be reviews. There will be lists. There will be humor.

Hello world.