we talk a lot about how much of a revelation andrew’s confession is for neil, and not enough about how revelatory neil’s reaction is for andrew. because like. imagine you like this boy. but he doesn’t swing. you know the answer would be “no,” so there’s no point in even asking. then he goes and gets himself needlessly tortured for you, and tells you there’s no amount of suffering he wouldn’t endure for you. not because he thinks you’re weak, but because he thinks you’re worth protecting. he says things that you would interpret as advances if it were literally anyone else. you remind yourself that he doesn’t swing. now you’re at eden’s and he’s asking about your feelings for him in 12 different ways. he really wants to know. so you tell him, in the most casual and crass way you can, thinking that’ll put an end to it. but unfathomably, it doesn’t. he asks you why you didn’t tell him. why would you have? it would have been a “no.” you say that, and instead of confirming it, he just echoes your words, clearly still reeling. you start to leave, and he tells you that he wants to keep playing your game. while the absence of a “no” is obviously not the same thing as a “yes,” you’ve been operating for months and months under the assumption that the answer would be unequivocal. so you keep waiting for that answer, but it never comes. for the first time since you met him, you wonder if maybe it’s not a “no” after all. if maybe you could have this. you can’t remember the last time you were able to have something you wanted. the world tilting on its axis, indeed.
