Not To Be CriNGe On Main…

All the shit you couldn’t waterboard out of me, free online for your viewing pleasure!

[rainbow-femme]

Ok but Ilya not realizing until much later that he hurt Shane with things he’d done in the past

One day it randomly comes up as Ilya says something about a time he acted like a dick and Shane is just like “Eh it’s ok, looking back I understand now that you were in a ‘I’m going to hurt you before you can hurt me’ mindset and that’s why you acted like that.”

And Ilya is staring at him and Shane asks what’s wrong and Ilya goes “I hurt you?” And Shane’s just like well yeah but it was forever ago don’t worry about it. But Ilya is worrying about it because back when he’d done the various hurtful things he’d been in downward spirals where he was convinced he didn’t have the ability to hurt Shane because he didn’t matter enough to Shane to hurt him, so he didn’t think the way he acted had any negative effects. And now he’s turning pale and his eyes are getting big as he’s realizing that oh god when he did those things he hurt his favorite person and he hadn’t even realized it

He makes Shane tell him the different times it happened and Shane doesn’t really want to because clearly this is just going to upset Ilya more, but hiding it or lying is probably also going to make things worse in the long run so it’s better to get it out now. So he mentions Ilya ghosting him after they had sex, and then how Ilya acted in Sochi, and that whole night in Vegas, and “I like you… Not as a person, obviously”

And the whole time Ilya is silently nodding and looking like he wants to throw up because no no no those weren’t supposed to be things that hurt Shane, those were supposed to be things that bounced off Shane without affecting him because they were only ever meant to hurt or protect himself, Shane was never supposed to have been hurt by those and fuck how did he not see in the moment the way that he was actively hurting Shane by doing that

And now it’s even worse because Shane won’t even be mad at him about it, he keeps insisting on being understanding and not upset and trying to make Ilya feel better when in fact Ilya is the worst most awful person in the world who should be punished for eternity for making 22 year old floppy haired baby Shane SAD like some kind of MONSTER

The next Galina session Shane is also there with Ilya who has his head in his hands and Shane is just like ok so we may have accidentally stepped on a landmine the other night-

[shitty-fanfic-prompts]

Prject Hail Mary but Yao and Ilyukhina survive and are there for the rest of the movie

[chjarliii]

Please please please please please

[savsonfire]

Project hail mary thoughts.

As funny as it is that rocky sees grace and complains about grace and humans in general as a terribly inefficient blob of water and fluids and teases constantly...

I REALLY think this should be a relatively rocky-exclusive perspective. He's watched this incredibly stressed human drip all kinds of tears and goos while they were floating around in space, and grace let down basically all of his guard around rocky personally, have discussed and understood eachother over life threatening missions. To Rocky, grace is Grace!

But grace does have some naturally combative push to him (see, the commentary that got him stonewalled in the scientific community in the first place, and being able to keep up with and handle Eva stratt) and further more, when an eridian is Not Rocky, i.e. not incredibly socially withdrawn and traumatized and maybe on their own spectrum of divergence before his ill fated mission and was very susceptible to latching onto a strange and unusual creature in just as much crisis as him...

That is to say. The eridians are going to meet grace with wildly different priorities and expectations. And what they're going to get is a human dangerously close to deaths door, and cornered and dying humans aren't always the most friendly or cooperative and friendly, even the Nicest Humans You Can Get.

So they get a dying human. And as tumblr loves to say, humans are terrifying to aliens, and fuck do they persist. Rocky's so-described "pathetic space blob" grace is terrifying to most eridians, especially the scientists studying him.

He drinks solvent and breaths combustion. Instead of simply dying when his body runs out of nutrients and calorie stores, it has begun to Digest Itself. His body is pumping chemicals they do not understand and every chemistry panel they run shows new levels of new chemicals and hormones. The human body replaces most of its cells constantly because even breathing, especially at a higher atmospheric pressure, is destroying their own lungs.

This thing "hears" things they cannot comprehend and he is unable to describe beyond "color" and "brightness" which are things you can not contextualize, and calls the strangest things beautiful. It has no entirely discernable traits you can understand ecologically as a predator- no armor, no weapons- and yet it eats meat and that is one of the many nutrients it needs to survive. You as a resident of erid do not have many creatures with "eyes" and so have no idea that the strongest mark of a predator is neither claw nor fang, but forward facing eyes, all the better to catch your prey, to meet a foe head on and fearless. You just know it "sees" and that it eats meat, and many other complicated things.

And in place of not receiving all those nutrients, it's body will litterally digest itself and keep going without them. Oh, this new chemical in it's latest blood panel allows it to ignore it's own pain to the point it won't realize it's injured. It can wake up from a dead sleep if you are too loud or too "brightness" around it. It speaks in an archaic graveling noise and is capable of imitating the strangest things, including a haunting near-vocalization of the eridani language of its own, which it calls "singing" and it does this at the strangest of times, when happy and when nervous. It is neither fast nor slow, but over time and observation, you realize this strange towering bipedal creature expends an entirely minimal amount of energy to walk, a process of controlled falling turned mobilization. You hypothesize that for lack of predatory weaponry like claws or sharp teeth, this thing simply evolved to follow you. To "see" you with it's forward facing eyes even in total stillness, total silence, and follow for as long as it takes: it won't spend much energy, and it won't starve waiting for you to exhaust. It'll start digesting *itself* while waiting for it's prey to lay down and have to sleep. It will "watch" you sleep with "eyes." You cannot wake up the way it can, and it will eventually catch up to you.

Also sometimes it cries excess amounts of saline rich solvent when you compliment it's latest research paper. Rocky calls him an idiot and the overseeing eridian scientists watch on with a sense of morbid eldrich horror. Right, right, just a "leaky space blob", sure.

They're kind of terrified of the future delegations with this planet. They litterally get to space by explosion. Not only are they scary- they're INSANE. And they're told the one they have is "a push over".

[jimmysownworld]

its funny to imagine that ottawa got so used to losing that some of the fans are like “we should celebrate the losses like people do with wins” and its a ridiculous idea but against all odds it catches on and honestly helps the team feel not awful, sometimes after a game the team will go out and walk into a bar the erupts until cheers when they enter and people clapping and Bood will smile and laugh and feel a little lighter knowing that yes their team sucks but at least everyone is having a good time.

and then ilya goes to ottawa and people are like “does this mean we have to stop celebrating losses☹️” and obviously the answer is no. ilya gets to experience the joy of going out after a loss to sports bars crowded with overjoyed fans who tell him “good fucking game” and buy the team a round and its so different from boston ilya gets a bit of whiplash.

when they start winning, the community decides its stupid to break tradition, and equally stupid to not celebrate a win, so after a game, win or lose, the community congratulates them with the same enthusiasm and orders the same drinks for them and something about it lifts a pressure off ilyas chest.

[chjarliii]

Does hockey have crowd chants? Bc all 28 Ottawa fans in the stadium would kill we lose every week,, we lose every weeeeeeek,,,,,, you’re nothing special! We lose every week!

[miscellaneousbullshit]

My Luca Haas has no desire to date hockey players (much like every RR protagonist that isn’t Hollanov, and lbr Hollanov are their own special kind of obsessed) HOWEVER his type IS athletes, it’s just any athlete EXCEPT hockey players. I think he’s got a string of European ex lovers who can’t get over him. Some English rugby player can’t stand to go to this one pub they used to get beers at, theres an Italian soccer player who agrees to a cologne endorsement in the hopes his shirtless posing and smouldering gaze will somehow reach Luca two years after their brief tryst, a tennis player from Germany has been ghosted for half a decade and still holds out hope Luca will text him back. Right now theres an F1 driver whose suddenly really into hockey, who doesn’t know yet that Luca will never fuck him because he doesn’t consider motorsports an actual sport, something that will inspire said F1 driver to take up handball. Luca will still never let him hit. #MyLuca

[selkielore]

[chjarliii]

Ilya Rozanov??!??!??!! ?

[shanehollanders105thfreckle]

I want a hollonov fic where Shane keeps giving the team the side eye because their WAGs are complaining about some sex thing and the guy in question is confused like, she said this and I DID that but she still said I wasn't doing it right??? and Shane's like. 😒 Show me specifically what you did when she asked you to- okay no that's absolutely not what she means

And they all just Look at him and it's just moments of him either talking to them or the WAGs and giving tips because man's been king of taking it since 09? '10? I forget, but it's a topic he's surprisingly passionate about when he's comfortable/forgets who he's talking to

Like a 5 times +1 fic, where it's 5 times he offers advice and +1 time someone goes directly to him about it (bonus if it's something like how to get her to orgasm and he's like?????? I'm gay??????? Ask her??????????)

[mybloodstream-caffeine]

I could SO imagine an au where Ilya thinks Shane is playing like some 4D level mind fuck game with him when he comes over to shake his hand (twice) and compliment his playing, so instead of doing his cocky asshole schtick he earnestly takes the compliment and returns it in kind. And then Ilya goes in for the kill, expecting to call Shane's nice guy bluff by asking for his number. Ha. Bet you weren't expecting THAT, Hollander.

But then Hollander seems,,, weirdly pleased?? And,,, actually complies?? Before practically skipping off, like he got what he wanted?? What??

And then they're texting back and forth and Ilya still partly thinks this is some kind of long con, but then it's been weeks and then it's been longer and suddenly they're at the draft and Shane is looking around the room and when he spots Ilya his entire face lights up and he's making a beeline for Ilya and he's still smiling as he says "Ilya!" like he's happy to see him,,, because he IS happy to see him. Because they've been messaging basically constantly for months now and oh fuck oh shit Ilya is so so deeply screwed.

And so, instead of their canon rivals-with-benefits arrangement, we get the ten year slow burn best friends to lovers narrative.

[mybloodstream-caffeine]

@martelldoran COMING IN WITH THE STEEL CHAIR:

[sweetbabyshane]

Sometimes, when they are out with the team and Shane is in the right mood, he will sip on Ilya's vodka and chase it with his ginger ale. He won't directly ask for his own drink, but Ilya is happy to share, especially when it leads to what Ilya affectionately calls 'brutally honest Shane', who will chirp their friends and call bullshit on anything they say that he disagrees with.

Some of Ilya's favorite appearances of 'brutally honest Shane' are at the Kingfisher with their team, as well as the Admirals.

---

Hunter and Vaughn both rolled their eyes at yet another classic Rozanov chirp. Shane hadn't been listening to that side of the table, as he was enjoying his conversation with Kip about the latest paintings he acquired for a gallery.

"God, Roz, you are a real piece of work. I bet you even chirp the kids at your camps," Carter said, a little too plainly to be a joke. Shane did not like that one bit.

"What? Ilya would never. He is a sweetheart with the kids," Shane countered, turning his attention and leaning into Ilya's side.

Scott huffed a laugh and nodded. "Well, that may be true, but on the ice, he’s a menace. Even you can admit that, Rook."

"Of course he is; it’s a strategy. That is the role he plays. He’s nothing like that off the ice. That's how most of us are, you know that," Shane replied firmly. He knew Ilya enjoyed the chirping when it was fair, but Shane did not like the implication of his husband being bad with children or just genuinely being a 'bad' person.

"You are the same on and off, Hollz," Carter said.

Ilya stopped himself from laughing, but Shane couldn't. He chuckled a bit and then paused before responding. "Oh, wait, you’re serious?"

The entire table went quiet, listening in on the conversation now. Scott was the one to reply. "Uh, yeah, Shane. You are the nicest guy in the league."

"I am definitely not," Shane said, not able to hide his surprise. Ilya had to tuck his face into Shane's shoulder to keep his smile at bay.

"What are you talking about? You are always composed on the ice. You are a good leader, especially for the rookies. All the stripes love you. You don't fight. I mean, you started a whole damn charity. They called you Canada's Golden Boy for a reason, Rook."

Shane rolled his eyes. He appreciated all of Scott's kind words, but sometimes he hated that his reputation always boiled down to that, especially given the pressure of maintaining it.

"I guess that is true. Thank you, but like I said before, that is on the ice. I'm not saying I'm a bad person or anything, but I can be a real bitch. I know that."

Multiple voices called out around the table in contention, shocked by what he just said.

Shane's eyes grew wide, seeing them all react as if this were new information. He thought it was a bit obvious. "What? It’s true!"

Scott set his beer down with a loud clatter on the table. "You aren’t a bitch, Shane. What the hell are you talking about?"

Shane shrugged as he took another bolstering sip of Ilya's vodka, not even bothering to chase this one. "Not all the time, no, but I’m way meaner than Ilya. I just don't chirp you guys to your faces."

Ilya finally joined the conversation with a nod before adding, "Is true. He is like that meme. Looks like cinnamon roll but could kill you. I have been saying Shane Hollander is an asshole for many years, and no one would listen."

Everyone around the table laughed, some sporting expressions of recognition at Ilya's meme comparison. That was until Troy leaned in from his spot across the table.

"Hang on, Hollzy. What do you mean you don't chirp us to our faces?"

Shane leveled Troy with that unimpressed look some of the Centaurs have received after making subpar passing choices or shot attempts at practice.

"Barrett, you really think Ilya comes up with chirps about stats on his own? Or the ones in French? I thought you were smarter than that."

The entire table burst with laughter again, at Troy's expense this time. Kip looked especially pleased with this revelation as he said, "Oh my God, Shane, you really are a bitch. I love this for you."

[assiraphales]

rocky always yells “enrichment for grace! enrichment for grace!” when he has a new invention to make the humans time more interesting on erid. grace, while appreciative, replies ‘I know I’m in a zoo enclosure but could we maybe not call it that? I feel like a bear getting thrown a pumpkin covered in peanut butter.’ rocky simply gives him a thumb, not wanting to explain that a significant amount of the population sees grace as the celebrity savior scientist who rocky keeps as a controversially young trophy wife and publicly lavishes in gifts

[ladyluscinia]

I want to make a post but first I need a different post that I've almost made before

Ilya is such a notorious asshole among hockey players that we get commentary on it repeatedly, despite him being a kinda funny, charming guy off the ice. Like he's cocky, obviously, but when you can back it up that well, just being cocky is not going to make enough waves for notoriety in a community of hockey players. They insult each other as part of workplace culture, ok, they need more for genuine beef even for, like, Montreal players vs Ilya Rozanov. So we have to assume his on-ice behavior stands out.

I'm thinking that Ilya has a few things going on with him:

He's been skating faster and playing better than other people easily since his mid teens. It's not challenging. It doesn't get reactions. It barely even feels like winning. So maybe he gets into his signature bullshit of taunting and provoking and sneaking in fouls just to make things more interesting and get people to play harder against him

Ilya loves the physicality of hockey so when people board him aggressively or try to punch his lights out it's genuinely delightful to him and he is laughing. He's having fun. This is a great game they are playing together

Points 1 and 2 combined mean Ilya has little to no beef with the people he's been pissing off intentionally for over an hour - he's relaxed, he's in a good mood. He'll call out friendly comments or jokes or say you should go get drinks now, and frankly this does come across as psychological warfare to a lot of guys. And he's just an annoying person most of these guys only see a few times a year, so it's easy to mentally just assign him oh that motherfucker

Shane meanwhile does not really understand the concept of disliking Ilya as a person because he also has a very catty sense of humor and thinks Ilya is genuinely so fucking funny even when he's being mean, and when Ilya is funny and mean and ragebaity to him it has him playing half hard. It's so hot. Which Shane is a bit embarrassed about. But that completely distracts him from the fact that most people don't find Ilya funny and charming on ice heterosexually either 🤣

Ilya fondly reminisces about the time he semi-intentionally broke Hayden's nose and got away with just a double minor for it

Shane once stood in the Metros locker room with a solemn straight face after Ilya chirped a guy with his girlfriend's phone number and had to try really hard not to bust up laughing while going "I'm so sorry this how you found out your girl was sexting Rozanov"

[mymansmoon]

shane loves how deep ilya can get inside him with his cock. he loves when ilya is fucking him hard and fast but even more so when ilya is cumming because he snaps his hips up against shane's ass and keeps himself buried inside as he unloads into shane, and shane can feel the entire length of his cock occupying the space in his body. in addition to the feeling he loves visualising how deep ilya has gotten. if he could see into his body from the outside maybe ilya's cock would be buried halfway through his torso. spearing him like a thing. a toy. just a perfect glove for ilya's perfect dick.

[mymansmoon]

@bugslibraryy I got so hard so quickly I passed out

[teaboot]

How people get nicknames:

Recipient of a third-degree burn in front of witnesses. IE, "I won't take that shit from a man dressed like a ghostbuster"= "Gostbuster" or "Buster"

A distinctive personal feature or quirk. IE, "Have you noticed how that new guy is always eating bell peppers?" = "Peppers", or "That chick has a massive forehead" = "Forehead".

An embarrassing thing you said or did. IE, "Did you seriously call Dale "Dad"?" = "Junior", "Baby boy", "Sport"

A game of name-mutation telephone. IE, "Donny Clyde" = "Bonnie 'n' Clyde" = "Bonnie" = "Bon-bon".

Irony. IE, calling a tall person "short stack" or a particularly dour person "sunshine".

A 'wrong place wrong time' one-off incident. IE, "He spilled oil on his pants and had to borrow a pair that were way too big and Jim saw him with the waistband pulled up to his nipples and called him 'Parachute'"

A batman-style origin story but not in a cool way: "One time she hit a deer with the company car and when she called the boss to tell her she was crying so hard we thought she was dying" = "Bambi"

The incredibly rare 'admiration' nickname, bourne only once a millennia under the light of the blood moon: "We saw him lift a truck once so now we call him 'iron man'"

+ How Nicknames Stick:

Your fate is determined by The Counsel

You hate it

It's accurate

[notsomeoneyouknow]

This reminds me of an article about how callsigns in movies are inaccurate because they're too cool. Generally your callsign in the military is like "Bepis" because you once pronounced "Pepsi" wrong.

[teaboot]

^^^

[daisyfairy1]

Ok, so I now want to read fics in all the fandoms based on this.

(Found on twitter https://twitter.com/WholesomeMeme/status/1632788134856474624?s=19)

[deehellcat]

omg, yes please. this would translate so well into so many fandoms :D

[copperbadge]

What impresses me most is the attention to design. There's formatting and layout involved.

Did this bouncer like, bring this person home, put them to bed, start the laundry, and then sit down to make a little Drunk Guest zine? Does he do this regularly so he had a template ready? Is that cool or a little weird? Was he attracted to his guest and hoping to make a great first impression? Was he just super anxious that they weren't waking up before he'd have to leave for presumably his day job, so he poured it all into this little gem the following morning? Is his day job in typesetting?

It manages to inspire even more questions than it answers, which is quite the feat.

[fractally]

re: some of your recent posting, I wonder sometimes if the fandom characterisation of Shane’s comphet maybe comes down to a lack of understanding of the comphet experience when you’re a full Kinsey-6-gay. I don’t want to imply that comphet is an exclusively homosexual experience but I do think it affects you differently if you don’t experience any heterosexual attraction at all. Like I see people saying Shane is traumatised or repulsed by his sexual experiences with women and while I don’t think it was fun for him I think if he was actually repulsed that might have made it easier for him to accept that he wasn’t attracted to women. But he just wasn’t into it the way he thought he should be even if he got off, so he was able to convince himself that there was a woman out there that he would be into like that. Idk this might be super incoherent but it’s one of the things I think RR got right in a way I don’t often see from people who haven’t experienced that specific brand of it themselves.

Yeah I wonder about this too. As usual anon: this got too long

I do think like, the road of "you don't get this because of X identity thing" is a slippery one---not trying to scold you or anything, anon, just describing my own thought process on this and stop myself from falling into easy explanations. That said, I do agree that there's a pretty specific set of comphet experiences that lesbian women have, and book!Shane at least has very lesbian comphet.

This is beside the point a bit, but I think comphet in general has gotten a little bastardized in recent years. I see people use it to describe otherwise gay individuals experiencing rare (and sometimes unwanted) heterosexual attraction. But that's really not what it originally meant. The original meaning was specific---women in particular are taught a life script they are expected to follow, and completion of this life script is a necessary prerequisite to succeed at womanhood. Gotta get a husband, have the kids, have the house. Any other version of life is failure. This happens even to straight women: Emma fucking Watson has talked about feeling like a failure for not having done this by 30. Shane appears to be feeling this kind of comphet. He knows he needs a wife for life script reasons, and is determined to make it happen.

But for lesbian women it also takes on a painful sexual aspect. It's completely normalized in our culture for women to not enjoy sex. So it can take a very long time for a woman to figure out that the sex she's having with men is not enjoyable for reasons of lack of attraction, rather than the guy just being bad at it, or women just not liking sex in general! Shane ALSO appears to have this kind of comphet, which is kinda crazy lol.

That doesn't mean that those experiences are repulsive or traumatizing in the acute sense of say, finding a loved one's body. More just....bad. Not good. Lack of attraction isn't the same thing as repulsion, and Shane even literally says he's not repulsed by sex with women (though of course he's not exactly a reliable narrator):

Lack of attraction is also harder to understand than repulsion. I think most of Shane's experiences with women were somewhere between boring, because he wasn't into it, and humiliating, because as a man he's confronted with the physical proof of his failure to perform heterosexuality properly. He probably also feels guilt about "making" women try to excite him even though it was always a lost cause! I don't think he self conceptualizes those experiences as trauma. I think he just shoves them in a box as soon as he's out to himself as gay.

The thing about Shane that connects his experiences back to that of a woman is that he's an athlete. He's very used to forcing his body into submission, he's used to enduring physical pain and humiliation for...reasons. So that he can be the best on the ice. So that he can fit into the social role that's been carved for him. As presented in HR that's a very female coded experience. Worth noting this is largely because Reid never lingers on Shane feeling a sense of physical strength or power as he moves through the world---this is the thing that changes a male athlete's experience from that of a woman subjugating her body to fit inside patriarchy. By glossing over Shane's reality that he could snap every person he meets in two like a twig, his internal world becomes much more feminine.

Anyway, this all said I do think Shane did a sort of chronic self harm. I've said it before but he basically ran conversion therapy on himself and I don't think in his head it was all that different to training for hockey. And I think that might hit him, eventually, and maybe he could get to a healthier place with processing it---but I think he'd have a hard time seeing this as anything other than something HE did to himself. In which case it's all still sort of his fault, right?

As for how it manifests, I do think that Shane's aversion to topping could be connected. I also think he would 1000 yard stare if Ilya ever suggested a threesome with a woman---mostly jealousy, but also like oh please don't make me do that baby.

[petroltogo]

Summary: 

“Did. You. Mean. It.”

Carter Vaughn doesn’t mind if his afternoon nap gets interrupted for a good cause. Which is good for him because Shane Hollander is so far past asking permission he may well bulldoze them all into a different universe.

Or: After Ilya gets outed in Sochi, Shane Hollander is determined to help. Carter, who possesses a healthy sense of self-preservation, is too smart to stand in his way—but, as it turns out, not quite smart enough to stay out of the drama.

_______ the second part of the maximal confusion, some believabilty series is finally here. that definitely took longer than i anticipated but i hope it’s gonna be a fun ride. after the cliff-centric first part we now join carter in sochi. because there might have been a thing or two happening there that never quite made it into the group chats… happy reading!

[darlingofdots]

let's think of some Bits in the Hollander-Rozanov household because every good relationship needs incomprehensible and insufferable Bits:

the random Russian nouns as pet names, obviously

turning to Anya to arbitrate who won the race/loads the dishwasher correctly/scored a sexier goal etc

Ilya. Ilyusha. Ilyushenka. Ilyushenkechka.

and who won Rookie of the Year????

"I have never said this in my life"

threatening to tell Yuna

"pass me the remote?" — "come and get it" — [wrestling]

butt slapping. at every opportunity.

"we will have to shoot you like lame horse" when one of them gets so much as a papercut

idioms translated literally into the wrong language

"this is not hall of fame behaviour"

"who should I bring as my plus one" and listing random people while the other pouts