#stilloser

nie wszystko trzeba naprawiać i nie wszystko da się naprawić 🫪

[cienmiedzywierszami]

#faceci to chuje a kobiety to cipy

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓗𝓸𝓼𝓹𝓲𝓽𝓪𝓵

A week ago, on Saturday, I ended up in the hospital with acute psychosis. The doctors told me I was a danger to myself and to those around me. When I tried to leave the hospital, I refused to listen to the staff, so they had to restrain me with safety straps. I remained restrained throughout the entire night until I finally calmed down after being given strong sedatives intravenously.

This all happened after I had taken meth two days earlier. I don’t know exactly how much—it wasn’t a lot. Later, I experienced an extremely intense psychological crash, not a physical one. It became so overwhelming that I turned to Xanax, which at the time temporarily relieved my mental distress. Unfortunately, I began misusing it and ended up taking every single pill I had. Altogether, it was 60 mg. I blacked out completely. I don’t remember anything from the following day. Then the crash really hit me, and the next day—Saturday—I woke up in an extremely bad mental state.

I wanted to take Xanax again, but when my boyfriend told me that I had already taken the entire pack the day before, I panicked. The emotional pain became so unbearable that I went into psychosis. I became aggressive. I had no idea what was happening to me. I couldn’t think rationally or judge the situation. Metaphorically speaking, everything looked dark—completely black. I had no control over my actions or my behavior.

I punched two holes in the wall. I also slammed my head into another wall, breaking one of the tiles. Then I started throwing all the trash into the middle of the room because I wanted to make sure there wasn’t an empty Xanax box somewhere. I couldn’t find it because, after I dumped the first bag of trash onto the floor, my dad grabbed me. I got terrified because, for some strange reason, I suddenly felt like I couldn’t move. I started struggling and trying to get away. When I realized it was my dad holding me, I fought even harder. He accidentally hit me, and I started screaming for help.

My neighbors, or someone in my family, called an ambulance. I cried the entire time in the ambulance and had a severe panic attack. I couldn’t even explain what was happening to me. I was taken to the hospital, and I was discharged the following day.

It was an incredibly dangerous experience, and it scared me more than anything I’ve ever been through. Looking back at how much Xanax I took, I realize I might never have woken up. The worst part is that, because I blacked out and remember nothing from the previous day, I still don’t know whether I took that much because I wanted to get high or whether it was a suicide attempt. I probably wouldn’t have died, but I could have ended up in a coma, and for me that would have been even worse than death. At least from my perspective—not from my family’s.

So please, talk about how you’re feeling. Don’t keep everything bottled up inside, and allow other people to help you. Sometimes, a single conversation can save someone’s life.

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓐𝓻𝓰𝓾𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽

I had a fight with him. He called me every name under the sun just because I fell asleep before he got home from his second shift. I didn’t hear him knocking because it turned out he’d lost his keys.

Somehow I’m the bad guy now. He loses his keys, but apparently it’s my fault because I fell asleep and he couldn’t get into the house. The funny part is, I wasn’t even the one who locked the door. My dad did when he left for his night shift.

So now I’m just lying here, crying, wondering where I went wrong. I was always kind to him, always gentle. I kept trying so hard to make him happy and make things easier for him, but it always ends the same way. Somehow I’m always the worst person in his eyes.

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓛𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓾𝓪𝓰𝓮 𝓸𝓯𝓕𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓼

I can’t remember the last time something hurt me so much that I had to walk away because I started crying. I have BPD, so situations like this tend to hit me harder than they probably should, but it still hurts.

The worst part is that it came from my fiancé. Ever since he said it, I can’t stop feeling like I was the problem. Or maybe he noticed that his mom had a problem with me too. I don’t know.

All I know is that it hurt me more than I can put into words, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. I feel like I’m nobody. Like I don’t matter at all.

On top of that, I can’t shake the feeling that his mom thinks she’s better than me and my family—that she looks down on us like we’re just trash.

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓕𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽

I’m so fucking tired of how the exact same things are treated completely differently depending on whether it’s me or you.

When I have to repeat something to you a million times—even after I already texted it to you—and I eventually lose my temper, suddenly I’m the abusive asshole because I raised my voice and called you an idiot.

But when you have to repeat something to me a second time, suddenly it’s okay for you to call me names, start a fight, and throw it in my face that I hit you twice while we were together. I got on my knees and begged you to forgive me for that. Meanwhile, whenever you’re mad at me, you can randomly punch me, and somehow that’s just… okay. You don’t even have to apologize because apparently being angry gives you that right.

If I call you names, you ignore me for hours. If you call me names, it’s somehow fine, and honestly, it feels like you think I should apologize for making you insult me in the first place.

Another thing: you’re allowed to bring up everything I’ve ever done, from cheating to insulting you. But whenever I try to point out that you do the exact same things—sometimes even worse—I’m suddenly “stuck in the past” and should only focus on the present.

When I’m angry and ask you to leave me alone, you laugh and tell me not to be like that. But the last time I put my hand on your leg while you were mad at me, you kicked me. Then I told you to stop acting like a child, and you kicked me again.

Every single time I do something you asked me not to do, it’s a huge fight, I’m the worst person alive, and you tell me to fuck off. But when you do something I’ve repeatedly asked you not to do, suddenly you didn’t do anything wrong—or you “didn’t know” I didn’t want you to do that.

You’re constantly insulting my family whenever you’re angry. You say things to me that I wouldn’t even say to someone I hated, yet you say them to the person you call the love of your life. I honestly can’t count how many times you’ve told me I’m useless, that I should die, that you hate me, that I should kill myself, or that it’s a shame I failed. If I ever said any of that to you, you’d probably leave me.

You don’t respect a single one of my boundaries. But if I cross one of yours by even a millimeter, suddenly I’m worthless, I’m trash, and you stop speaking to me for the rest of the day.

One more thing. You keep saying you always apologize to me. That’s just not true. You almost never apologize. Sometimes you admit you were wrong, but that’s where it ends.

And yes, I cheated on you. I know that saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. So why is “I’m sorry” supposed to be enough when you hit me, threaten me, or tell me you wish I were dead?

I really hope you think about all of this. Because if this keeps happening, then maybe you should just find a job somewhere farther away and keep coming home only on weekends like you’ve been doing, because I’m genuinely exhausted by all of this.

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓑𝓪𝓭 𝓟𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷

I’ve started cheating more, and that honestly scares me. What scares me even more is that I’m betraying my favorite person, and it hurts like hell because I promised myself I wouldn’t do this. But I don’t know… it just keeps happening. I feel like I have no control over it, and I genuinely think I might be addicted to self-destructive behavior. I’m becoming an awful person. I know I’m ruining my own life, and I still keep doing it.

I promised myself I’d work on it, though. I really hope I can go back to being completely obsessed with my boyfriend. The truth is I’ve cheated on him throughout our entire relationship, from the very beginning until now, and he has no idea about any of it. I’ve done it so many times that I’ve honestly lost count.

Yeah, I know I’m a shitty person. I’ve caught two STIs, and one of them twice.

I’m also starting to realize I probably have BPD because so much of my behavior points in that direction. I’m not saying that as an excuse, because if I were stronger, I would’ve stopped. I just genuinely don’t understand why I keep doing this when I always end up hurting even more than he would if he found out.

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓟𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓵𝓮𝓶 𝓝

Hi. I’m high as fuck, my jaw won’t stop moving, and I’m insanely horny for Piotrek… or whatever his name is. I can’t even remember because he makes me call him “sir.”

I’m about a million out of ten high right now, listening to music with some forty-year-old dude.

Honestly? This is fucking amazing.

What a great day.

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓐𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓻

Right now I'm angry at myself, at the world, and at everyone because I'm having such a shitty day. I've been crying the whole time. Everyone is giving me a hard time from every direction, and I just can't handle it.

It feels like you're helping me, but it's not working. Thank you for doing it and for trying, but it's not working. The way I think about myself hasn't changed. I still feel bad. I still feel like nobody cares about me. I still feel like everything I do is wrong, that I can never do anything 100% right because I always mess something up. Every single time, something happens that makes someone have a problem with me or yell at me.

All I want is to take a train from here to San Francisco and lie there after an overdose, maybe even dying, but finally having peace. Real peace.

Maybe then I would feel like something finally worked out for me.

#tw suicide

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓢𝓽𝓪𝓽𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓜𝓲𝓷𝓭

I was genuinely in a great mood today, but it completely fell apart when my fiancé’s mom started showing us vacation deals to Egypt and Turkey for around 5–6 thousand PLN. Back home, we can barely afford 10. I’ve been on vacation maybe three times in my entire life, while they travel several times every single year.

And just when I started feeling a little better, I got told to stop talking about myself. All I was doing was showing pictures from my childhood, my birth, and my dog. Then I found out that I ruin everyone’s mood and get on everyone’s nerves, when all I wanted was to show what my dog looked like and have a conversation.

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓬𝓵𝓾𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼

Magia is beautiful.

This woman has such a good vibe and energy that I genuinely enjoy being around her. On top of that, she’s a fortune teller, and somehow she ended up saving both my life and my dad’s.

We’re smoking, and for the first time in a long while I feel 100% okay. The junkie in me is finally gone. It’s just me, my babies, and Magic now.

She’s honestly amazing.

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓯𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷

Instead of asking someone you actually know and trust, you asked a complete stranger how to deal with adult life. I’m pretty sure you’ve already told her your entire life story in detail (my dad’s friend), including everything about our relationship—which isn’t exactly a fairy tale.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here with a junkie, talking about our alcoholism, disappointing the people we love, and how he wants to kill himself because he got wasted, high, and hurt the person who mattered most to him.

[cienmiedzywierszami]

𝓖𝓻𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓽𝓾𝓭𝓮

You get everything from me. Every single time you need something, I’m the one who gives it to you — internet, food, clothes. I give you everything. I even give you money whenever you need it.

But the moment I needed internet because I had to text my manager from work, suddenly it was a problem.

Then later you and some wasted junkie came after me, calling me a Jew just because I said I’m always the one giving you everything, and you couldn’t even let me use your internet for a minute.

I would’ve understood if it had been something unnecessary or just me being demanding. But I genuinely had to message my manager.

And what did I get? Nothing 1:0.

#stillloser