Hayley (she/her) || Canadian || I write fic on AO3 @ dancer_me || tracking: userdancerme || header by #jddryder || currently vibing too hard on the wee woo shows
He didn't know who 'Buck' was anymore, both in and out of the uniform. Well, other than reckless. Hard to love. A bad friend.
Buck finds an unexpected kindred spirit in TK Strand, which would be great if the universe wasn’t working in overdrive to get rid of them both on an individual basis that is only exacerbated when the two of them are together.
This is the journey of the chaos that is Buck and TK as Buck works to rediscover who he is and maybe, just maybe, find his own happily ever after with the love of his life along the way.
Part 1: Express to Nowhere
cover art by @ronordmann
Rated T | 22,479 words | Complete
Tarlos, Pre-Relationship Buddie
Read on AO3
In which Buck and TK form a lasting friendship after they get trapped in an elevator together at a first responder’s convention in California. The 118 and 126 work together to rescue them.
Eddie wonders when he and Buck became so distant, and Carlos works with Athena to uncover what, exactly, went wrong.
Part 2: Giving up Ground
cover art by @ronordmann
Rated M | 76,092 words | Complete
Tarlos, Pre-Relationship Buddie
Read on AO3
In which Buck and TK fight to survive as they face separate weather related collision calls.
TK and Carlos take the next step in their relationship, Eddie takes a vacation in search of some much needed revelations, and Buck can’t help but feel like he’s somehow given up ground in his friendship with Eddie.
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Reminder that this is for both 9-1-1 and 9-1-1: Lone Star!
love how buck just walked straight in sat on the couch PUT HIS FEET ON THE TABLE and went straight to sleep like that's not even this is eddie's house I'm not really a guest that's some actually I live here level comfortability
so now am i allowed to ask how you are? uh…honestly, eddie, i…i don’t know.
[Image ID: five gifs of Evan Buckley and Eddie Diaz from 9-1-1 episodes 4.07, “There Goes The Neighborhood” and 6.12, “Recovery” :
GIF 1: Eddie opening his front door, a smile blooming on his face when he sees Buck standing there, as he says “Hey!”
GIF 2: Black and white gif of Eddie and Buck walking down the sidewalk, Buck gesturing wildly as he explains to Eddie that, “You know, my therapist says everyone needs a safe space.” Eddie looks amused as he listens.
GIF 3: Buck plopping down on Eddie’s couch, swinging his legs up on the coffee table and shifting to get comfortable as Eddie offers him a beer off-screen.
GIF 4: A continuation of GIF 2, Buck saying, “A place where you can fully be yourself. My apartment was that place.”
GIF 5: Eddie walking back to the living room with two beers in hand, stopping short when he sees Buck conked out on his sofa. Eddie stands over him, pursing his lips as he nods to himself, wrapping his fingers around one bottle.
#remember how we learned last year that driving is a major touchstone for Eddie’s childhood trauma? #and how buck has been driving him around since the beginning??? (via @yramesoruniverse)
I want to start off by saying Oliver Stark truly blew me away with his acting in tonight's episode. He truly has main character energy in this episode and he did this storyline such justice. This coma!Buck dream was everything I envisioned and more. I know the big problem I'm seeing is the lack of Eddie. However, I hope after you have read my meta, you can understand why I believe the lack of Eddie was so damn loud in this episode and what it can mean going further. As always, thank you so much if you take the time to read this! With that being said, let's get into it.
The Firefam Rushes Buck To The Hospital
It was such a prominent moment where the entire firefam, Buck's literal chosen family, all rush him to the hospital. From the literal second Eddie is out of the driver's seat, he runs towards his partner and pushes Chimney out of the way. There is no way in hell Eddie isn't going to do whatever he can in his power to bring Buck back to life. You can even hear it in his voice when he says, "Chim I'll take over" that he is hurting but trying to mask that hurt to get what needs to be done. He made a promise to Buck that he would always have his back and he was not going to go back on that promise now.
The visual of Eddie on top of Buck's gurney, doing compressions, will be something I will never get over. It was such a deliberate choice having it be Eddie who got his heart beating again and I am side eyeing these writer's and directors for those choices.
There's something that needs to be said about how Eddie is the one who starts Buck's heart again. Out of everyone there, even the two most trained medics, it was Eddie of all people who got his pulse back. Something about how Buck entrusted Eddie with his heart back in 5.14, so Eddie felt wholly responsible for safekeeping it.
After Eddie gets Buck back to them, they wheel him away and we hear Bobby telling the doctors about Buck's allergies and the doctor telling them that they would do their best. What is Eddie's reaction through all of this? He is following behind Buck, almost as if he is tethered to him by a string. He gets the furthest and yells back "DO MORE!" Because that is his partner and he doesn't do too well without control. This is out of Eddie's hands and he can't sit there and trust that these doctors, who are doing their best, is enough for his Buck. They need to go above and beyond, they need to do more than their best because Eddie can simply not handle a world without his partner. The devastation and pure fear in Eddie’s eyes hurts to look at because it’s so rare that we see him like this. He’s so defeated and the camera focusing on his reactions really tells me there’s a reason for it.
After Buck is whisked away, everyone is devastated in their own ways. Chimney is catatonic, Hen is understandably sad, Bobby is in shock but trying to keep it together for everyone else. Eddie? Eddie is crying. You can see the single tear rolling down his face when he screams at the doctors to do more. You can tell this usually stoic man is barely keeping it together. He turns around, walks up to Chim and let's his tears fall as he embraces him. You hear the loud sniffle and you see he is not holding back any of his emotions.
Why is this important? Because it is such a massive difference to how he acted when his actual wife died in season 2. Going back to rewatch that scene, the differences are so distinct that I find it fascinating to see how he reacted to his wife dying vs how he reacted to his partner dying. With Shannon, Eddie is a soldier, he doesn't cry and he knows the severity of the situation. He goes into that ambulance fully knowing there is nothing he can do to prevent the inevitable. He holds her hand and tells her to "Just be silent" so she doesn't use up her remaining breath. This is such a difference to last episode where Eddie ran after Buck and kept calling his name, begging him to just talk to him. He also jumped in and did whatever he could to help save Buck's life even when he was dead. There was something he could do and he was going to do it.
When Shannon is wheeled into the hospital, he doesn't follow her. He stays where he is frozen in place. With Buck, it's a different story. He is almost pulled after him and if it were up to Eddie, he would have followed him behind those doors as well.
The final comparison is Eddie's crying. When his wife dies, he steps out and sees his team. He is containing those tears and walks up to Bobby. It's not until he embraces Bobby that he lets his tears fall. With Buck, he is already crying as they wheel him away. He turns around and lets his entire team see him at his most vulnerable because that's Buck. Buck is someone so dear to him and Eddie is a different person now than he was when Shannon passed. His reluctance to let others see him cry when Shannon died indicates heavy repression on his part. Now, thanks to therapy and a little to Buck, he is embracing those emotions and allowing himself to feel things. He is not repressing those emotions and that is a beautiful thing to remember for his storyline progression this season.
Buck’s Coma Dream Begins
I love love love how the first thing Buck remembered when he woke up in coma world was Eddie. He wakes up and sees a random doctor, who’s really his dead brother, and feels like things are weird around him. The conversation then prompts the idea of Eddie is what I’m holding on to for a few reasons.
D: Maybe the next time you decide to go up a ladder, you should have someone there to spot you.
B: I did.
Buck’s facial expression here indicates immediate disbelief. He can’t fathom the idea where he does something dangerous and there’s no one there to have his back. And not just any one but his specific someone. Since we know this coma dream is basically his subconscious, it just cements the fact that in any universe and in any world, Buck is content with the fact that there will always be someone who has his back. Even though he’s not saying Eddie’s name out loud, just showing that flashback to Eddie telling him “Alright cowboy go get em” proves that he’s thinking of him and only him.
Another thing to note during this moment with his siblings is the importance of who and what family means to Buck. When Maddie tells him about the family dinner, you once again can see it in his face that he’s confused, prompting him to question “what family?” Because he has three distinct families he can think of and consider just that.
(1.) His fire family which includes all the spouses and kids.
(2.) Maddie, Chim, Jee-Yun + Buckley’s???
(3.) Eddie and Christopher.
The last family dinner before he was in a coma was that weird Buckley/Han dinner. But what was the one before that?? Oh yeah the Buckley-Diaz family dinner back in 6.01, which was very significant and foreshadowed a lot in my honest opinion.
I most definitely think in another life (hah), if Buck wasn’t a firefighter, then he would have a career dealing with children. So a teacher makes sense for this alternate reality. I was really hoping for him being Christopher’s teacher but beggars can’t be choosers. I will say however, it’s so important that the second person he remembers in this coma world is Christopher. One look at that ferris wheel figurine in his loft and his thoughts immediately flood with the tsunami and Christopher yelling for help! That begs the question: why Christopher? Why is he so important to Buck that his subconscious is forcing that memory upon him?
Buck Knows Something Is Not Right
I want to reiterate something before I continue, and that is all of this coma dream was conjured up of Buck’s subconscious. These are not things that are true in real life and it’s just how he views certain things based off of information he’s received.
Seeing the Buckley’s trying to be a happy family is really troublesome because it’s not as natural and organic as you would think a real family interacting should be. Buck, from the beginning, knows that something is not right and he’s having difficulty trying to figure out what it is. It’s not until the introduction of Doug that he realizes he’s in some sort of weird alternate life.
I love that his first reaction was to seek Chimney because in every life, he will be the one person that will, undoubtedly believe Buck with anything he needs to say. As he tries to further convince Chimney that he knows him, you see him starting to really lose out on this hope that Chim will be the one that helps him get answers. I think Oliver’s acting was phenomenal because he just uses certain tactics where you see a slight tick of his breath or a slight downturn of his lip that changes how he’s feeling. That entire scene where he’s having a heart attack because Bobby is dead?! Holy hell terrific acting!!! But I don’t want to focus too much on his interactions with Chim or Hen because at the end of the day, this is meant to focus on the Buddie of it all, so apologies in advance friends.
Christopher Visits His Dad
I do not think I have fully recovered from the severity of this scene nor do I think I will for a really long time. The fact that it was Christopher's idea to go visit Buck in the hospital and he was so damn adamant reminds me of how he woke Buck up from his sleep so that he could talk to his father, who was also in a coma. If these two scenes are not meant to parallel one another and signify that both Eddie and Buck are seen as Christopher's fathers, then what is it meant to be?
Eddie, my sweet Eddie, was dressed in all black. I'm talking black shirt, black jeans, black button up. He was clearly meant to be in mourning with his grown out stubble and his dark circles. This is such a vast difference to the grieving Eddie we saw in 2.18 after the death of his wife. He was wearing a white henley and he was sad but not as devoid of all feelings as he was in this episode. But numb or not, one thing Eddie will always be is a wonderful father who loves his child and cannot say no to him. I think it was so sweet that Eddie had to put his own feelings aside and allow his son to see Buck, even if he had to sneak him in to do it.
Eddie in this entire scene was everything and more. I know a lot of people wanted a bit more from him. But this is Eddie Diaz we are talking about. The same Eddie Diaz that barely let Buck in last season and let him see him at his most vulnerable.
H: Christopher?
E: I couldn't tell him no.
C: Is he sleeping?
He is so very clearly devastated and trying to keep it together for his son's sake and it shows. He is avoiding eye contact with Chris because he doesn't want him to see the level of sadness he's holding in his eyes. He turns away and wipes his eyes because this is him trying to be strong but failing because it's Buck. He has to compose himself a bit before he can even answer his son. Ryan’s acting here was so amazing. The man really knows how to do broody and devastated haha.
(Gif by @agentoutofdiaz)
E: Something like that. He's resting. So the machines could do all the work. Make him feel better.
You can actually hear how broken he is by his voice. It sounds like someone who has been crying. Even his eyes are red and teary, which proves this man has been going through it. When Christopher asks him "What are all these tubes?" You can literally see Eddie in the back, closing his eyes and shaking his head. This is where he gives up. He is not strong enough to go on and explain to his son the severity of Buck's situation. He wants to wake up from this nightmare. You can see him struggling so hard when he closes his eyes and accepts defeat. This then prompts Hen to explain why the tubes are needed to Christopher.
Once again, this is how Eddie mourns. He is barely holding it together and you can clearly see the emotions on that man's face. It is the most difficult task in the world telling your child that their other parent is ill and may not wake up. So it goes to show how different it was when Buck had to break the bad news to Christopher vs how Eddie simply could not go into details on the severity of Buck's injuries. Another thing to remember is that Eddie didn't struggle this much when he told Chris about Shannon's death. They hugged while Chris cried, but he did not let Chris see him crying over Shannon. Instead, he went to the beach and cried by himself. It's such a massive turn of events because Eddie simply cannot even hide his tears from Christopher even if he wanted to. He is standing in the background, struggling to explain to his son what is happening with Buck, while having tears rolling down his face.
C: Hey Buck, it's Christopher, I know you're sick but it's only temporary. You're gonna be ok. That's what all the machines are doing, making you better. But wherever you are, you have to come back. Wherever you are right now, you have to come back.
(Gif by @matan4il)
I have no words, I am simply inconsolable. Christopher Diaz ripping out my heart with his words. Not only mine but you can clearly see how affected Eddie is in the background. He cannot look at his son talking to Buck like that. His eyes are diverted and he is openly wiping his tears while crying. Once again, that is a man grieving someone so fucking close to him. You cannot look at Eddie's reaction to Buck and compare it to the others’ because it just feels different. Yes everyone is emotional in their own ways, but none of them are acting like the love of their life is dying BUT Eddie. No one is wearing all black, no one is avoiding looking at him because the simple look of Buck so lifeless will break them, except Eddie. There is so much in his quiet mourning that screams volumes and people are just choosing not to focus on it. Especially when you go back and look at Eddie right after his wife actually died. The differences are night and day.
Christopher’s words to Buck also tie in two important events in the Buckley-Diaz family and that is the tsunami and Eddie being buried in that well. When he tells Buck “You’re gonna be ok”, that’s a direct callback to him telling Buck the same thing before the tsunami happened. That was ironically what saved Buck while he was in his little funk. Christopher saved Buck. Christopher’s “Wherever you are, you have to come back” is also a callback for when Eddie was buried and he was remembering his family. Sure that was what Shannon said to him but I think essentially, the idea of Chris and Buck is what saved Eddie. So here we have Chris once again saying a few choice words in the hope that it brings Buck home and I am too emotional about it all.
Buck Tries To Go Home
I’ve already written my thoughts on what the main purpose of this episode was, so if you’re interested in reading that, you can find it right here.
It’s clear as day that this whole coma dream was supposed to be a catalyst in Buck realizing who he is and that he doesn’t need a job or something else to be accepted and loved. Because the people who matter to him will always love him for being Buck.
One thing I do want to mention is that even in this coma world, he still knows and thinks about Christopher and Eddie. He literally runs into Chris in his coma dream and that small interaction killed me.
C: Can you help me find my dad?
B: Sorry but you're not real and I got to go. I'm really gonna feel guilty for that one.
At the end of the day, there’s a reason as to why Chris is asking for help finding his dad. Even though it breaks Buck’s heart to not help him, he knows to an extent that he will always be there helping Chris and Eddie if they need him. That this dream world doesn’t really exist and out there in the real world, he’ll help them every time.
I’m not thrilled about this weird parental redemption arc. It was too forced and not organic enough to be believable but that’s just my opinion.
When Daniel tries preventing Buck from going back, he throws it back in his face that he was literally made for spare parts that failed. That is literally Buck’s subconscious and his own issues being voiced. When he responds, “Wasn’t my fault”, it further proves that what Eddie has said to him resonated with him. So even though Eddie is missing in this coma world, the impact he in turn has had on Buck is extremely present.
At the end of it all, he finally realizes that he’s Buck and that his family who already love him, truly love him for the person he is. He doesn’t need to change anything about himself, doesn’t need to injure himself for that love because they already just do.
Buck Will Always Be Buck
I believe there’s definitely a long road to recocery ahead for Buck and I can’t wait to see him struggle with the after effects and the ptsd. I love the final team moment in which they all come to visit him in the hospital.
Eddie is clearly much happier than we’ve seen him all episode and he doesn’t want to take his eyes off of Buck. His eyes still have dark circles but he looks a bit more put together. But the moment the camera zooms in on him, you can tell he once again checks him over with his eyes fully, before urging his son to hug Buck. You can hear the elation in his voice when he tells Chris to hug Buck. He sounds less broken and like he’s on the mend himself. He’s giggling and trying to enjoy the fact that Buck is alive.
The Buck and Christopher hug literally symbolizes a father and son reunited and no one can convince me otherwise!!! So wholesome and it really goes to show how different Christopher is to Buck. No one else’s kids came to visit, not even his own niece. And in an episode where the theme is, predominantly, fatherhood/parenthood, I think this is a huge choice to include their special bond.
Bobby and Buck: Father and Son
The ending scene with Bobby and Buck was very heartwarming. This episode really did highlight how close these two are and finally confirmed what we’ve all been saying for years and that is Buck is Bobby’s son. A few things that they said during their conversation really stood out to me.
B: You know you were still Bobby actually. You helped me figure some things out. Find my way home.
BN: Good. Though I still find it hard to believe that you voluntarily left a world where you could fix everything.
B: Not everything, uh trust me it's better here.
Once again, I am very convinced that there will be some kind of foreshadowing here in which Bobby helps Buck figure some things out. Like I mentioned in my last meta, I knew Bobby was going to help Buck figure some things out and in tonight's episode, he ultimately did. He helped him come home. But the way Buck is reserved and doesn't tell Bobby the whole truth tells me that he clearly still has some work to do in his life.
Yes he could have stayed in that world but at what cost? He wouldn't have Eddie or Christopher in his life, he wouldn't have Bobby in his life. So in his most ideal dreamt up world, he is missing the 3 most important people to him after his sister. He was unable to help fix things with Eddie, which lead to him losing his custody battle with his parents. He was unable to help fix Bobby's addiction, thus leading to his death. A world without the Diaz boys and Bobby is not a world in which Evan Buckley wants to be a part of and that speaks tremendous voices.
The Couch Conversation
I am still very annoyed at this weird parental redemption act and I don't know how much longer I can buy that those people have truly changed for the better. One thing that is very important to note is the couch conversation.
When his mother asks him if he plans on getting a couch, Buck is quick to reassure her that "Eventually. I'm good with the chair for now." That's his way of being fine being single for the time being. He doesn't need a relationship, especially since he just came back from a serious injury. Then his mother insists on pushing it further and tells him that she will be getting him a couch. Once again Buck reaffirms that he is "Good with the chair." His mother then seems very adamant on making his loft more homey and he seems ok to let her do it, going so far as calling it "nice."
Now if we all remember the conversation from 6.01, a couch symbolizes a relationship to Buck. He told Eddie and Christopher that he didn't want to pick the wrong couch again and here we have his mother just going out and choosing one for herself. This will backfire eventually because Buck stated multiple times he doesn't want a couch, that he's good with his armchair. So I think this foreshadows his parents, his fire family forcing their support and care to Buck after his recovery, where the man just wants to be left alone to recuperate. It would make sense in that way.
I don't foresee a new legitimate love interest appearing and having us focus on the development of that, especially knowing that there are good moments set to occur between Buck and Eddie. I say this because Buck is on a road to recovery and he will be suffering from some ptsd. Who do we know that just recently went through his own struggles with ptsd? Oh yeah the same person who turned to Buck for support: Eddie. So I strongly believe Eddie will be playing a more important role in Buck's recovery. I also think the couch of it all is very open ended and that it can symbolize many different things. For now, I am choosing to wait and see what the symbolism of this new couch is going to be. Surely it won't stick around forever since we all know who has Buck's perfect couch...
Once again, thank you so much if you read all of this. This one was a tough one for me considering how emotional this episode was for me. Thank you to @aa-lionheart for all the other wonderful gifs. All my love to you darlings 💜
