Have You Heard Of A Journal

I’m obsessed oops

[dhreamland]

Tragic for me that I’ll never be able to get so hard I’m lightheaded

[penandinkprincess]

Okay I am in love with Spaghetti and I’m imagining at some point Shane decides to get another snake but he wants a different species this time and Ilya’s like “okay I can probably handle a baby snake and then I’ll get used to it as it grows” except Shane brings home a red tailed boa. And this baby is already nearly as thick as full grown Spaghetti. And he’ll just get bigger from here. (Or even bring home a rescue adult because a lot of them get abandoned when they’re full grown so there’s suddenly just. A massive snake.)

I’m just imagining Shane being like “wow all of these people love me and Spaghetti this is so awesome” and feeling comfortable enough to get a second snake except this snake weighs 50lbs and eats whole quail and his enclosure is the entire walk-in closet of the snake room.

Shane loves walking around with his new buddy (free weight training) or cuddling on the couch (free weighted blanket).

GOD POOR ILYA

he's seen pictures of baby spaghetti and is like, "okay, maybe if i just am around it from the time it is very small, things will be better. i can adjust."

and then the "baby snake" shane wanted ENDS UP BEING! A STILL FUCK OFF BIG SNAKE!!

SHANE WHAT THE FUCK

[junkdrawertales]

someone surrenders a massive reticulated python to the local animal shelter, which does not have the space or the resources for it, but oh! Hey! One of the volunteers is friends with David and David’s son Shane has a large snake! Maybe he can take care of it until they find a permanent home!

The call comes when Ilya’s out with some friends visiting from Boston, and Shane couldn’t just say NO, the poor thing is cold and scared and it needs a home, and Spaghetti’s old tank hasn’t been dismantled since his upgrade, it’s big enough for a retic, so Shane picks up Wiggles and brings him home.

Ilya comes home two hours later with Marley and St-Simon in tow, all of them hyping each other up, hooting and hollering and yelling BRO! BROOOO! until Ilya freezes and fucking SHRIEKS. His beloved husband has brought home a MONSTER.

Marley and St-Simon think Wiggly is “fucking wicked, bro” because they are dirty dirty traitors.

[penandinkprincess]

(so i'm reading that reticulated pythons get REALLY complex with care after they're full grown just because that's SO MUCH fucking snake to move around, so i'm being nice to ilya and making it a ball python)

GOD WAIT ilya has volunteered at the animal shelter before and so they've heard him talk about shane having a massive snake

(BECAUSE IN *HIS* OPINION!! SPAGHETTI IS!! SO FUCKING BIG!! IT IS A SNAKE IN HIS HOME!! AND IT IS MASSIVE!)

but this means they call ilya, get sent to voicemail (which still says he's not going to respond), and then call shane (he's the emergency contact on ilya's volunteer paperwork) and are like, "hey, it's sarah down at the shelter. this is kind of a crazy ask, but would you have the ability to foster a ball python? i know ilya has said you have snake experience."

and shane is like, "uuuh let me call my husband and check, but sure. we haven't taken down spaghetti's older tank yet, and it's really big, so it should work fine." and then he texts one of the people out with ilya to tell him to call, and then shane runs him down with, "hey, sarah down at the shelter asked if we could take a snake that got surrendered. apparently they bought it for their kid but 'miss wiggles' got a little too much for them."

and POOR ILYA IS LIKE SURELY MY FRIEND SARAH WOULD NOT SEND A GIANT FUCK OFF SNAKE INTO MY HOME, WHERE I LAY MY SWEET HEAD. SURELY SARAH WOULD NOT DO THAT TO ME.

and it's name is miss wiggles! and it was a child's! yeah, sure, why not. is he thrilled? no. but he's used enough to it that a second spaghetti is fine, especially when there's nowhere else for the snake to go. (and listen. spaghetti is getting up there, and ilya is a little worried about how that's going to hit shane. so maybe this works out perfectly. new snake needs a home, shane gets a second buddy, and ilya can just. adjust.)

UNTIL HE GETS HOME AND LEARNS ABOUT WHAT ELSE LIVES THERE NOW.

SARAH, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM

[junkdrawertales]

Miss Wiggles has just aged out of her juvenile stage, and Shane takes very good care of her, so before long she's laid five eggs! Wow! Good job Miss Wiggles! Shane is very impressed! He's so proud!

Ilya, haunted: there's going to be MORE of them???

Shane: oh no, no, they're not fertilized. but it's good to know Miss Wiggles can lay healthy eggs! Maybe I can pair her up with another snake next year :) I've always wanted to try hatching snakes :)

Ilya: if you love me at all you will Stop This Nonsense Talk At Once

[penandinkprincess]

ilya hearing about how likely it seems that shane wants to explore snake breeding as a retirement hobby and is just welp. guess we're both going to play until we die.

[spicybabyhoney]

Ilya Rozanov would post this on his instagram story 😂

[russianblush]

more shanebug sightings!

[dhreamland]

I don’t speak Russian but I have a few friends that do and something that always makes me laugh in a fic is that trope where Ilya says like a “big” word and Shane’s like “wow” or “when did you learn that” except the words are actually the same in Russian and English

[easilycherished]

dash did a good job

[gayhockeyshow]

Shane has huge fucking thighs and theyre so strong of course because he’s the best hockey player in the world but they chafe they chafe sometimes and it bothers him but he’s shane fucking hollander so he doesnt want people to know that it bothers him so he buys some whatever lotion for it at the drug store and one day its really bad and its hot out and its pissing him off and he’s rubbing his stupid whatever lotion on his irritated skin and ilya is like honey. What is wrong and shane is like nothing its stupid and ilya is like let me see and shane lets him see even through his glower and ilya is like honey. You are shane fucking hollander what are you using on this fucking pudding? And so ilya buys him some fancy jojoba oil shit and when it comes in he’s like let me rub it on you and shane is like itll hurt and ilya is like yes but it will hurt less when I am done and shane is like okay and it stings it does sting a little but then it feels.. cold? And better. And this turns into insane dick sucking of course

[dhreamland]

Maybe I’ve just never been in a fandom space like this but it is genuinely disturbing to me how many grown ass adults are dedicating like. All of their time to picking apart a strangers relationships. You people are freaks (derogatory)

[therealrashid]

not to paraphrase my own post but ilya “likes to cause a hurt then soothe it to know his impact was felt” rozanov and shane “it has to hurt a bit to feel real” hollander. most sexually compatible people ALIVE. AND THEY ARE ALIVE. TO ME

[argillaforma]

boring really gets ilya going

[knownqueerbaiter]

shane: can i fall asleep with your dick in my mouth 🥺

ilya (has heard how bad shane grinds his teeth at night): maybe another night moya lyubov ;)

[shilyas]

[lookatthe-stars13]

ilya rozanov is the type of guy to fall for game ads, so when one of the pike kids asks “you got games on your phone?” he unlocks his phone like a man showing off the inner pockets of his trench coat to reveal pages and pages of candy crush, toon blast, homescapes, gardenscapes, mahjong, solitaire, you name the ad he has the game

and it’s crazy because he is at an absurdly high level on each of them, i mean IR81 is topping the in-game leaderboards

and that’s how hayden and shane find the pike kids, in awe, huddled around ilya on his phone playing cooking fever like a madman

[the-flying-lemur]

Ilya and the Pikelings circa 2023

[kaijuerotica]

rose finally dates a straight man and he has to kindly sit her down and explain that she's definitely a lesbian

[lilylikeswords]

@heatonice I have no self restraint and too much free time. I apologise... (there's also a baby Ilya and an adult Ilya now)

[penandinkprincess]

yuna, i'm so sorry

[penandinkprincess]

spaghetti, i would die for you

[penandinkprincess]

baby shane, i would also die for you

[penandinkprincess]

rip ilya

[penandinkprincess]

WHO WANTS SPAGHETTI FIC?

[penandinkprincess]

JUST UNDER THE WIRE FOR SNAKE DAY BABEEEEEY

[shrekhollander]

Ilya: Baby I'm drunk. Can you pick us up?

Shane: Us?

Ilya: *sends a selfie of himself with a stray dog he found*