Dark Signs System

Bodily 20 || They/Vamp|| ENDOS DNI || Married 12/25/24 || Intersex || cEDS/POTS/Fibro/FND(?)/Ambulatory Wheelchair User + Cane User

[discordantdays]

welcome to our blog! we are a diagnosed C-DID system of a lot, and we'd like to use this blog to share our thoughts, experiences, and life!

gonna add some more info here in a bit, but for now here's this:

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DNI:

- (pro)endos

- anyone that demonizes PDs (ex. "narc abuse")

- pro-contact/anti-recovery paraphiles

- terfs + radqueers

- anti neopronouns

- intersexists

- anti good faith labels (if you don't understand them it's okay! as long as you are respectful you are welcome here)

- pro israel/anti pro palestine

- PLEASE BE 18+ IF YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS. anyone can now interact, but we only accept dms from people 18+ (or if it's important, although we prefer asks) and are only friends with people 18+

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some info about us:

- we are bodily 20

- racially we are white (we have alters with darker skin, but they do not claim to be POC and they do not say slurs they cannot reclaim)

- we are disabled in multiple ways and will talk about it (physically, mentally, etc)

- some things we like include: the horror genre, Fear and Hunger (both 1 and Termina), Obey Me! (both SWD and NB), Dungeon Meshi, JJK, Alien Stage, Persona, Hannibal, Arcane, PJSK, Mouthwashing, Sharks, really anything aquatic, drawing + art, music (mainly listening, we stopped playing years ago), etc

- we are collectively a furry and support furries! we are sfw only though!!

- romantically we are taken (married 12/25/24 to our psys @iheartmysoulmate <3)

- we have a high alter count (200+)

- tone tags are much appreciated as we are also autistic

- we are looking for more anti endo/endo neutral systems to befriend/be mutuals with

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some alters sideblogs:

Mizuki/Mia (personal blog) -> @0pink-dreams0

Mafuyu/Maven (personal blog) -> @empty-alter

Blueberry -> (agere blog) @budgie-blueberry

Rem -> (vampire blog) @vamp-rem

Makoto/Micah (personal blog) -> @part-reloaded

Dawn -> (personal/symptom holder stuff) @rise-with-dawn

Rem's furry stuff -> @ki-prince

___________________________________________

our asks are open, so you can send in things like vents, fun facts, infodump, or whatever you feel like!

WE DO VENT ON THIS BLOG! HOWEVER! we try to always tag them as vent posts! if you don't want to see vents, id recommend filtering the corresponding tag(s)! :)

if you want to dm us, please send an ask first. do not just randomly use our dms

*our content may be triggering at times; we do use trigger warnings when needed, but if we miss something please kindly let us know

- 🐀

[discordantdays]

so, we figured we'd give some updates on whats been happening since we last posted here (its been a while, oops!)

first things first, we're trying to move out. our living situation has gotten increasingly worse, and we need to get out. we've started touring apartments around an area we like with our wife, and we're getting things ready to move out (financially, we're not the most stable, but we cant live here anymore so we dont really have a choice)

secondly, our mental health has gotten a bit worse since we last posted. we're struggling a bit, so any kind words or old/new mutuals would be very much welcomed. its hard for us to reach out first, so if we are mutuals, please don't think we dont care. we very much do

third, the system. its been, mixed. we've been very dissociated, but also haven't had much communication lately either. things have been a bit blocked off. we do, however, have some more present alters (lydia and roxanne) that have been popping up and taking over. lydia, especially, has encouraged us to accept our darker visual look. we've started to do more heavy and darker makeup, go back to darker clothing, and we've decided to dye our hair black and white (if possible!), all thanks to her

now, for the most exciting update: we finally, after years of being afraid of judgment and feeling uncertain, have gone back to paganism! we currently are doing research and figuring things out on where we stand, but so far we consider ourselves to be an eclectic pagan and a witch! we're planning on finding our book of spells to read through again and start practicing once more! once we move out, we'll be able to set up a better altar (we have an old one, but its very small and not very,,i dont know. it doesnt feel homey to us. we want it to feel better to us i guess? if that makes sense?)

we're planning on starting a relationship with Aphrodite as well! we've been seeing and feeling signs of her for a while now, and it feels like shes been reaching out to us, calling to us. so we're hoping to reach back out! we're really excited to feel closer to her!

also, if anyone has any resources, or books, or any type of literature that they could recommend us to read, it'd be really helpful! we feel so aligned with the greek Gods and with nature, and we believe that everything has a spiritual energy, so if anyone has any recs that could help strengthen our knowledge, we would be incredibly grateful!

also also, if anyone has any spell book recommendations, that would also help a lot!! we have a spell book, but more always helps :)

we want to perform more rituals, pray to Aphrodite (and/or other Gods and Goddesses), and perform spells (general ones, like good luck, until we can perform more specific ones). we want to lean more into our pagan and witchy side, as theyre very intertwined for us

we'd also be more than open to having pagan/witchy mutuals! we want to be more open in the communities and learn as much as we can

soooo yeah! theres the update! any recs, mutuals, questions, comments, etc, are welcome. we'll probably be posting a lot about paganism and witchcraft, and we're so excited to see where this journey leads us!

[discordantdays]

btw chat i have made bluesky accounts for the system AND for me!

systems bsky -> @/discordant-days.bsky.social

personal bsky (for me, rem, the host) -> @/rose-of-attrition.bsky.social

if anyone wants a more personal look into my life (or to hear me rant about my lovely wife), you can follow me! im more active on my personal

i also talk a lot about queer things on my personal (mainly about being a nonbinary lesbian and such)

the others will post on the system bsky account when/if they choose. they may sign off, they may not

so yeah! we'll still post here, but we post there too! just so yall know :)

- Rem :)

[discordantdays]

so not only do i have fibromyalgia and hEDS, BUT NOW I HAVE PLANTAR FASCIITIS AND BONE SPURS

AGHHH

got a cortisone shot in my heel yesterday and that was a very scary experience ngl (thank goodness my wife was with me, i could NOT have done that without her)

surprisingly, i am in no pain today where i got the shot

the podiatrist also said i had extremely tight achilles tendons (thanks to the hEDS, which she said is common in her hEDS patients. very interesting!), and thats why i have even more pain in the back of my legs

sooooo fun/s

going back in a couple of weeks for a checkup, to get insoles, and maybe another shot in my other heel

at least everyone in the office was extremely kind and knowledgeable!

- Rem

[discordantdays]

this is going to be long, but i want to talk about my identity for pride month

this month, im finally able to embrace the parts of me i never wanted to. or rather, i could never accept

i remember being a young highschooler, finally coming to terms for the first time that i was trans, and not being able to decide what to name myself, what my pronouns "should" be, how i "should" start dressing. i thought, "well, i AM trans! but am i trans enough?" there were always feelings deep inside of me that i tried to bury, and it confused me a lot

i thought that, in order to be "really trans," i had to be FTM. i identified as nonbinary for a bit, and then genderfluid, and then i settled for trans man. and when i say "settled," in this instance, i really do mean it. i wanted to use they/them pronouns, i wanted to be nonbinary, i wanted to bind some days and wear a bra on others. i wanted to wear a dress or a suit depending on my mood. i wanted to be cute. but i didn't let myself. i believed in the lie that i had to be "one or the other," that i had to be a trans man to be "actually trans"

but i found that, i was never fully myself. i could never fully be ME in my relationships, in my life, in anything. i couldn't find true joy in my identity. thats not to say that i was miserable. i wasn't, not completely. i DID find joy in my identity at times, but now i believe that was only because i wasn't identifying as a girl. i knew from a very young age that i wasn't a girl. i knew. so not being one gave me joy. but not enough joy

now, thanks to my absolutely amazing wife (ahem ahem @iheartmysoulmate ), i have finally, after all these years, accepted that i am nonbinary. i am using they/them pronouns, i have a name i love, and im dressing in a way that makes ME happy

i wasn't even able to express, or be connected to, my femininity at all as a girl or as a trans man. i knew at a certain point that, if i wanted to, i could be a feminine trans man. and i did try. but it wasn't me

and now? im wearing short shorts, tanks, crop tops, bras, dresses, skirts, wedges, etc. im wearing makeup on days that i feel like it. i am finally, finally able to feel connected to my femininity and to my identity. now that i am finally accepting that i am nonbinary, i am so much more open to being feminine and being "girly." i dont feel any shame in being feminine anymore. i dont feel any pressure, i dont feel like i have to hide myself. i am just me

and with this acceptance of being nonbinary, ive also come to terms with being a lesbian. will this change in the future? maybe. but for now, i feel the closest to being a lesbian that ive ever felt

at one point in my life, for a while actually, i believed i was a lesbian. i have always loved femininity, women, and feminine people much more than ive loved masculinity, men, and masculine people. i quickly dismissed that thought though, as the people around me were, accepting? but not completely. there was still always that belief there that i would find "the perfect man" and fall in love and suddenly not be attracted to women/femininity anymore

but i am finally free. after so long of caring what my family thought of me, what others cared about, i finally have chosen whats best for ME. and that is to be the most obnoxiously in-love lesbian you have ever seen!

its all thanks to my wife, really. i never in a million years would've accepted that i was a lesbian if it weren't for her. if it weren't for her coming out as trans and for her giving me unconditional love and support. she is singlehandedly the best person in my life, the most amazing girl ever, and the person that i absolutely want to be with until the rest of time and beyond

i am a nonbinary lesbian, and i love my wife more than i love anything in this world or beyond. im so proud of myself for how far ive come, for how many struggles ive been through with my sexuality and gender, for finally being myself after being scared to for so long. am i still scared? a bit. i won't lie, after years of binding and presenting as male, its scary suddenly wearing dresses and makeup. but this makes me so, so beyond happy. i finally feel like me

i feel free to do whatever i want. i no longer feel shackled by the small, tight boxes of binary genders. i am just me, and thats all i have to be

i dont have any huge message to put at the end of this. i just wanted to share a bit of my story, so perhaps, if another person out there is going through what i went through, maybe they won't feel so alone. maybe, just maybe, they'll know that its okay. that everything will end up okay in the end

- Remy/Rem

[discordantdays]

OMG OMG

FINALLY

FINALLY

WE FINALLY GOT DIAGNOSED WITH hEDS AND FIBROMYALGIA!!!!

FINALLY!!!!!

this is so big for us, its hard to even put into words. we've been needing answers for years. we've had chronic pain for years. 6 years specifically. and now, finally, after so many doctors, after so many blood tests and xrays and exams, finally, we have definitive answers

the doctor was so nice about it too. he explained that our hEDS isnt a disease, its a variable. its not something inherently bad, just something different. something we need to learn more about and how to manage. he was so kind and listened to everything so carefully. he examined us and knew immediately that we were hypermobile. he knew immediately what other doctors had failed to notice for years

we cried with our wife after he left the room, we're not ashamed to admit. this is so big for us!! it really, really is!!

we're so happy :')

[discordantdays]

chat how the FUCK did i bag a baddie bro

(/lovingly)

((i love my wife))

(((she is the best thing that's ever happened to me)))

[discordantdays]

(TW // physical violence, verbal violence, threats, abuse ment)

last night, a fight happened at home

and i need to know if im wrong in this instance

for some context: recently, my nonverbal autistic brother has been into breaking glass. he likes getting the negative reaction from it, so he'll go into cabinets and the sink and get cups, plates, whatever dishes he can find, and throw them on the ground. we've had to lock down our cabinets so he cant get into them

last night, he went into a cabinet (somehow) and got ahold of some sort of glass object, to which he then threw on the ground. i wasn't in the room for this, i was in the garage, which is very close, so i could hear everything going on

after the glass shattered, i heard my stepfather (NOT RELATED TO MY BROTHER AT ALL) jump out of his seat at the kitchen table, storm over to my brother, and start screaming at him. "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT YOU MOTHERFUCKER" "IF YOU KEEP BREAKING SHIT IM GOING TO FUCKING BREAK YOU" etc etc. he just kept screaming and cursing at him at the top of his lungs, and trust me when i say that his voice was filled with nothing but pure hatred. pure, unadulterated hatred. i truly believe that, if my mother wasn't there, he would've put his hands on my brother

after living most of my childhood in a space like that, where a grown man was screaming at the top of his lungs, words filled with malice and hatred, either towards me or my brother, i just. i couldn't. i couldn't just plug my ears and pretend nothing was happening. i couldn't just sit and pretend everything was okay

so i dropped everything i was doing (which was just studying for my APA courses), including leaving my cane behind, and ran (as well as i can) out of the garage. as soon as i opened the door, i saw him. he was standing there, getting ready to open the door from his side. he was going to throw out my brothers vacuum (my brother has a special interest in vacuums so he has a bunch). i didnt know what else to do. i wasn't expecting to see him there. i just wanted to tell him to back away from my brother

so i shoved him

i honestly didnt even mean to. it was just like, the adrenaline kicked in and my thoughts were all jumbled, and all i could think about was "this person is a danger to my brother and i need to protect him." i wasn't thinking of anything else

we both get physical after that. he shoves me, i shove him again, i think i also slapped him at some point. after a few seconds, my mother breaks us up and tells us both to "calm the fuck down." she tells her husband to just put the vacuum away, and for me to calm down and "ruminate on the fact that [i] put [my] hands on him" (exact words she used)

she acted like what i did was worse than what he did

i genuinely was scared for my brothers safety. hes only 13. i dont even want to imagine what would've happened if nobody else was around

i immediately grabbed my things and left the house. i broke down in my car. full on sobbing and screaming and crying. it was horrible. it was retraumatizing. since this event happened, ive been having flashbacks almost nonstop

i spent some time at my wife's place to just cool down and get some comfort, and it really helped. i had to go home eventually, but if i had the choice, i wouldnt have. i wouldnt ever go back

i hate it there so much

but really, i was wondering: am i in the wrong here? was what i did really worse than what he did? am i downplaying my own actions? i understand i shouldnt have put my hands on him, but at the same time, i was so scared. i was sent back in time to when i was a young kid getting abused daily. i just. i wanted to help my brother

am i wrong here?

[discordantdays]

this is my first pride month being a nonbinary lesbian

im so happy with my identity, but at the same time, im nervous. nervous about this change. ive never been good with change

yesterday, i shaved my legs for the first time in a decade. i was almost in shock while doing it; i couldn't believe that, after all this time, i was doing it again

today, im wearing a bra again to work. i wore one for the first time in years yesterday, and im doing it again today

for a long time, i believed i had to be an ftm boy. i believed that, while nonbinary people existed, it couldn't ever be me. my gender dysphoria didnt let me. then, i realized that i wasn't fully comfortable with that. so i changed. i changed my label to be a demiboy. half boy, half nonbinary. in a way, i was kinda dipping into the nonbinary waters, testing to see how i and others would react, how it would feel

but i realized during that process that i loved being nonbinary. i loved it more than i loved being a boy. more than i ever loved being a girl. more than i loved any other gender identity, and trust me, ive tried out a lot of labels. i found not only joy, but also, i found myself

now, i feel comfortable enough with my identity and body to wear binders and bras, dresses and suits, heels and boots. i can do whatever i want. i never felt like i could before. those small, rigid boxes of gender identity had always confined me, now that i look back on it. but i have broken free of that containment. i have learned to love myself in a way that i never thought i could

and im so beyond lucky i get to share this joy and love and happiness with my beyond wonderful wife. she's the main reason ive felt so comfortable with being open about my identity. shes the reason i felt comfortable enough to even explore it more. she is so incredibly strong, brave, and just completely incredible in every single way

i didnt even realize i was a lesbian until she came out. i knew that i always had a preference for women/fem people, even when i was very young. i had thought for a bit that i was a lesbian, but i pushed that thought far to the back of my mind. it essentially turned invisible when i started dating men/masc people, but never fully vanished. thats not to say that i was miserable dating men/masc people. i wasn't. it just didnt fully feel like "me"

now, thanks to my wife, i am able to explore the parts of me that i never allowed myself to explore before. i feel comfortable enough with my body now to be femme and to be masc. i can be and do anything i want. the options are limitless. i can be androgynous, or not. ive actually been thinking that, after years of being masculine, i want to try being femme

i love my gender now. i never loved my gender as much as i love it now

in a way, i feel free. and i have my wife to thank for that

so, lily, i know you're reading this. this next part is just for you

you have singlehandedly changed my life completely, forever

i never would've accepted that i was nonbinary, and a lesbian, if it weren't for your constant love, devotion, and support. you are the kindest, most loving soul i have ever met, and i am more than lucky to have you by my side for the rest of our lives and beyond. you truly have no idea how much you have helped me over the years and how much i owe you, and i will spend the rest of my life repaying you with all the love i have

you are so gorgeous in every single way. you have the most beautiful, big eyes. the most perfect smile. the most stunning shine in your eyes when i say your name. i have never met anyone as passionate as you, as loyal as you, as curious and as thrifty and as patient as you. i truly cannot put into words the light you bring into my life

when we go to the mall and walk into the B&BW, i love watching your face as we look at each different scented lotion or candle. i love going through the different scents with you, finding things you love, finding things you hate. you bring joy into every single day, and every little mundane thing. i promise that, when i can, i will get you that vanilla scented lotion you wanted

you are the most beautiful person in the world to me. i am so, so lucky to have you, to be able to cherish you. i absolutely cannot wait until i can buy you a proper woman's wedding ring, suited for a gorgeous woman like you. i can't wait until we can match dresses and hairstyles and get pretty skirts and matching outfits

i cant wait to unlock this new chapter with you

thank you for staying by my side through all my changes. i will forever be grateful for your loyalty and love

with love,

rem

[discordantdays]

CHAT GOT SOME NEWS/QUESTIONS

i think im a lesgay?? gaybian?? i feel so happy with this label and feel so comfortable with it, but at the same time, im nervous about using it

when im with women/fem people, i consider myself a lesbian. i really only have attraction for the person (or previously, people) im dating, so i always would feel like lesbian felt, right

when im with men/masc people, i consider myself gay. i only find that masculine person (or people) attractive, and find that label to fit me best

now that im married (HAPPILY!! I LOVE MY WIFE!!!!) to a woman, i feel like im a lesbian again. but i dont want to get rid of my history of attraction to masc people. frankly, the attraction still pops up (in fictional characters LMAO). i also love masculine women, so, theres that too

the only thing that makes me hesitant to use the label fully is that, i feel like if i wasn't married, i would date anyone, regardless of gender. gender never mattered much to me. my attraction only changed to be more exclusive when i would start dating said person (or people). if i was in highschool and was dating a girl, id call myself a lesbian. but if we weren't dating, id probably call myself pan

so, can i use the label lesgay/gaybian? can i add "pan" or "omni" to that somewhere? is there a better label i could use? i feel so happy with lesgay/gaybian, and i love it so much, but i dont want to use the wrong label

(also, is lesgay/gaybian under the mspec umbrella? or no?? i cant tell 😔)

((also also, im tmasc intersex nonbinary, with they/vamp pronouns, in case it matters))

any comments are greatly appreciated!

- Remy/Rem

[discordantdays]

update to this chat

i think im just a lesbian

i didnt really want to admit it (i think), cause i used to be attracted to men as well as women/fem people, but now im only attracted to my wife. of course, if my wife were to change her gender again, id find another label that fits me better and feels correct

but for now

i feel like im a lesbian

is it okay for a tmasc nonbinary person to be a lesbian? is it alright? im a bit nervous to use the label, but i also feel like its perfect

i love my wife more than anything else in this world or beyond, more than i have ever loved anyone else, and i feel like this feels best for me. im just, nervous because of my own gender

(also! thank you to everyone who commented! i did read them and take them into consideration when making this decision, i just feel like "lesbian" is the actual part of "lesgay" that was making me happy ngl)

[discordantdays]

CHAT GOT SOME NEWS/QUESTIONS

i think im a lesgay?? gaybian?? i feel so happy with this label and feel so comfortable with it, but at the same time, im nervous about using it

when im with women/fem people, i consider myself a lesbian. i really only have attraction for the person (or previously, people) im dating, so i always would feel like lesbian felt, right

when im with men/masc people, i consider myself gay. i only find that masculine person (or people) attractive, and find that label to fit me best

now that im married (HAPPILY!! I LOVE MY WIFE!!!!) to a woman, i feel like im a lesbian again. but i dont want to get rid of my history of attraction to masc people. frankly, the attraction still pops up (in fictional characters LMAO). i also love masculine women, so, theres that too

the only thing that makes me hesitant to use the label fully is that, i feel like if i wasn't married, i would date anyone, regardless of gender. gender never mattered much to me. my attraction only changed to be more exclusive when i would start dating said person (or people). if i was in highschool and was dating a girl, id call myself a lesbian. but if we weren't dating, id probably call myself pan

so, can i use the label lesgay/gaybian? can i add "pan" or "omni" to that somewhere? is there a better label i could use? i feel so happy with lesgay/gaybian, and i love it so much, but i dont want to use the wrong label

(also, is lesgay/gaybian under the mspec umbrella? or no?? i cant tell 😔)

((also also, im tmasc intersex nonbinary, with they/vamp pronouns, in case it matters))

any comments are greatly appreciated!

- Remy/Rem

[discordantdays]

sorry we've been gone for bit, personal stuff

but!

my absolutely wonderful and lovely partner has come out to me as a trans woman! i am so so proud of her and so excited to go on this journey with her!!

with that being said, i can finally say this:

I LOVE MY WIFE!!!!!

(if anyone has any advice for a tmasc nonbinary person to support their newly-out wife, please please lmk!! i want to support her as much as possible and want to learn as much as i can from other trans women/fems!! asks with anons are on and so are comments!)

- Remy/Rem

[discordantdays]

we want to go back to school for our bachelor's of arts in psychology for mental health. we've been looking at online uni's, and we think we've found the perfect one for us!

only problem?

our mother wants us to go back to the community college we attended a couple of years ago for "the general courses". she wants to save as much money as possible when it comes to our education. but that place DRAINED us of all the motivation and passion we had. granted, we were doing studies for something we weren't totally dedicated to, but the "general courses" we took there were DRAINING. absolutely HORRIFIC

we genuinely lost our will to live doing courses there. we were so, so lost and hopeless and everything seemed pointless. we only felt better about our education and future when we dropped out of that place. we dont want to go back

we dont know what to do right now. on one hand, yeah, an associates before our bachelor's would save money. but on the other, the community college we went to nearly destroyed our life. and she is DEAD SET on us going back to there

we want, so desperately, to be a licensed therapist specializing in complex trauma/trauma based disorders. we want to help people, to make a difference in the world. we want to be the person we needed when we were younger

i wish she'd listen to us more

[discordantdays]

oh my FUCKING god our ocd is getting worse

i just refilled my water bottle at work, but because the entire building is decaying and filled with dogs (aka dog hair), i cannot drink the water

i have convinced myself that the water is contaminated with who-the-hell-knows-what and plenty of dog hair. i know realistically that it cant be that bad, but i am genuinely about to have a panic attack just thinking about drinking it

its nearly 80 degrees fahrenheit out and i cant drink water

yayyy ocd/s

- Remy/Rem

[discordantdays]

someone please help us, we need answers and can't see our therapist until the end of the week

our old host is gone. not fully, but its like, he kind of shattered? like, its as if he was a glass statue and someone knocked him over. pieces fell everywhere, and i, rem, am the biggest of them. we have other, smaller pieces, but they're not as fully developed as i am. they're still alters, just, not the exact same as me

,,for months, i felt like something was just "off". i didn't know what it was, so i never said anything. i changed our name to mine, i changed our gender and sexuality to something more comfortable, i embraced myself more

it wasn't until last night that i was "shown" what happened to our previous host. how he shattered into pieces. i didn't know what had happened to him, what happened to us, until this

,,what happened to us? what does this mean? is this what happened to our first host? is that why she isn't around anymore?

the hardest part of all of this, though, isn't him disappearing. it was telling our partner. how do you tell the person you care about the most that you aren't the same person anymore?

he was so upset. im not sure if he'll admit it, but i think they're really upset with me. of course, he has every right to be. i didn't tell him i had been feeling "off". i did tell him when i found this information out, but that doesnt erase the fact that we slowly transitioned from one host to the next and he didn't know anything. i won't pretend to know how they're feeling. i just know they're upset. i feel like the biggest piece of shit to exist for not telling him. i was just so scared. i was scared of what i didn't understand. i was scared he would leave

our partner is still with us, but i can tell its not the same. i know he's struggling to figure out where to go from here. i just wish things didn't change. i wish i wasn't here. i wish our old host was. i feel so fucking awful for doing this to him

,,if anyone knows what's going on, id really appreciate it. i know no one can see inside our head, but any ideas would really, really help. our splitting is NEVER like this

- Remy

[discordantdays]

update to this:

we're doing better. still mourning what's been lost, but we're pushing forward. its hard. its really hard. but we're managing

cant wait to see our therapist tomorrow and talk about everything

[discordantdays]

someone please help us, we need answers and can't see our therapist until the end of the week

our old host is gone. not fully, but its like, he kind of shattered? like, its as if he was a glass statue and someone knocked him over. pieces fell everywhere, and i, rem, am the biggest of them. we have other, smaller pieces, but they're not as fully developed as i am. they're still alters, just, not the exact same as me

,,for months, i felt like something was just "off". i didn't know what it was, so i never said anything. i changed our name to mine, i changed our gender and sexuality to something more comfortable, i embraced myself more

it wasn't until last night that i was "shown" what happened to our previous host. how he shattered into pieces. i didn't know what had happened to him, what happened to us, until this

,,what happened to us? what does this mean? is this what happened to our first host? is that why she isn't around anymore?

the hardest part of all of this, though, isn't him disappearing. it was telling our partner. how do you tell the person you care about the most that you aren't the same person anymore?

he was so upset. im not sure if he'll admit it, but i think they're really upset with me. of course, he has every right to be. i didn't tell him i had been feeling "off". i did tell him when i found this information out, but that doesnt erase the fact that we slowly transitioned from one host to the next and he didn't know anything. i won't pretend to know how they're feeling. i just know they're upset. i feel like the biggest piece of shit to exist for not telling him. i was just so scared. i was scared of what i didn't understand. i was scared he would leave

our partner is still with us, but i can tell its not the same. i know he's struggling to figure out where to go from here. i just wish things didn't change. i wish i wasn't here. i wish our old host was. i feel so fucking awful for doing this to him

,,if anyone knows what's going on, id really appreciate it. i know no one can see inside our head, but any ideas would really, really help. our splitting is NEVER like this

- Remy

[discordantdays]

anyone else go through the "nonbinary isn't a thing, it's one or the other" to "nonbinary/multigender" pipeline? cause, yeah