What do I do if i'm super embarrassed that I have a kink, even though it's a rather common and pretty mild one? Like at the moment I'm just exploring it on my own but eventually I'd like to find someone to be a 'sub' for... But I just get so embarrassed, how do I go about asking people for that? I mean I know I have kinky friends and they're perfectly fine with just announcing that they like choking, or being tied up ect. but im still bashful to tell them about my kinks.
I guess… I guess my question for you is, why are you embarrassed? By your own admission, it’s a common and mild kink.
I’ll tell you a story while you think about it.
Long ago, when I was a teeny, tiny little thing just realizing myself as a sexual being, I realized I was into certain things. I’m a firm believer in that some people– maybe not all, but some– are simply wired for kink. They’ve either never had or never felt fulfilled in a pure vanilla relationship. I count myself as one of those people.
My very first girlfriend– my first relationship of any sort, really, now that I think about it– involved some very mild BDSM play; it was non-sexual but involved a little making out. We were like fourteen and we lived in the Bible Belt, so the shock on people’s faces was pretty much about half of the thrill.
And this relationship was very short lived, even though we remained and have remained casual friends to this day, over a decade later. But during this relationship, and the subsequent disaster of the next two (sexual) relationships, I realized I was not into Normal Things™.
I especially liked belonging to someone. Bearing bruises and bite marks and fingerprints. Knowing that those meant, in my very consensual situation, that I was loved and cherished and very much desired. It was like having a secret, something I could carry around with me for a couple of days, a tangible reminder. I could look at the bruise on my shoulder and remember exactly what her teeth felt like, or the hand prints on my hips and remember how his palms seemed to burn as his gripped them.
I am quite territorial over those I see as mine, and I can give as good as I get. My current partners can attest to this. So being that I’m a little possessive, I love having that matched by my partner. So I don’t just like getting bruises, I like giving them. I like giving that gift to someone I love– with their express permission– so that they, too, have a tangible reminder of our playtime. And I get a dark little thrill when I see their skin marked by me. There’s a side of me that I’m not all that proud of that slithers up and whispers, “That’s mine. She’s mine. He’s mine. And now everyone knows.”
Now, please, before I get angry people in my inbox, I know how that sounds. But this is specifically and especially in a consensual agreement. I am not referring to abuse of any sort, this is all negotiated and agreed upon and welcomed.
I always felt a little ashamed of this specific kink. I had no idea that BDSM was a thing, really, at this point in my life, even though I vaguely knew what a dominatrix was (and had said before that I wanted to be one). I thought I was just weird. I liked being tied up and tying people up and having rough sex. I didn’t know there was an entire community out there, and the way my second and third partners acted about my kinks, they treated me like I was a freak but they went along with it.
And because America in particular is quite… puritanical about sex and what consists of Normal Sex™, I knew I didn’t fall into that category. So I thought of myself as a freak, too.
Then I started hanging out with some friends as I got older who were vastly more kinky than I was at that time. They talked casually about orgies and BDSM and equipment and I realized: hey. I’m not alone. In fact, I’m pretty tame in comparison. I resolved then and there to learn everything I could.
Are you feeling ashamed or embarrassed because you’re afraid you’ll be judged for it? Or do you think you’re alone? Or that it’s “weird?” Or, conversely, are you afraid it’s “too mild” to tell your friends? Or are you afraid of outing yourself to friends or family?
If it’s any of those things, I can promise you that most likely, your fear is unfounded. I can guarantee that you are not alone, and you will not be judged, and that it’s probably not that weird (I’ve heard some very, very weird things!). And yes, there could be some smiles at mild kinks, simply because the BDSM community is full of full-on “freaks,” but that’s okay. It’s usually not malicious and you can always preface your stories with “I’m a little afraid that it’s too mild for you but…”
Friends and family are a little trickier, but that can be done if that’s what you want.
Please check in and let me know how you’re doing, okay? My chat is always open, too, if you ever want to talk. I’ll keep your anonymity.
