Don't come back for me.

Hello! I'm Caitlin. I adore Paramore. I love doing my hair crazy colors.

[ryan-sometimes]

POV: your friend is an ecology major and has beef with random animals

[roach-works]

he's right about the cheetahs, they did great in north america. we had a bunch of cheetahs here for a good long while and im fully in favor of relocating a bunch of african cheetahs back to the great plains regions to give the pronghorns a proper workout again. they've had it way too easy since the last ice age.

[dontcallthislovee]

Throwback to that one time...

That my two apartment mates (I'm going to call them roommates) were talking about me, not including me in things on purpose, plotting against me, etc. behind my back several years ago. I'm not sure if one of the people who did this to me still follows me or not and if they do, if they are even active on tumblr right now, but this is not meant to be directed at them or to make them feel any type of way. It's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately because I never was fully able to get over it. I consider it to be the worst betrayal I've ever experienced, and I've had a lot.

So several years ago, I moved across my state to move in with two of my best friends, or at least I thought they were at the time. I had been friends with one of them for a couple years already and she met the other one when she moved to that side of the state and became friends, so I became friends with her through my friend. I genuinely did my best to be as friendly as I could to her other friend, but it always felt like no matter what I did, I was the bad guy and she was this poor, sweet victim. No matter what happened. It got very frustrating and I should've more carefully considered this before picking up and moving my entire life across the state to live with them.

The first few months of living together was really great. It was everything I thought it would be, being able to live with friends. I had never got to experience it before so it was something I was really looking forward to. But then soon after, I started feeling like I was being left out of things by my two roommates on purpose, like they'd suddenly stop talking when they heard me coming towards the room, etc. It felt like they were plotting to just leave me behind quietly and hope I don't make a fuss. I started bringing it up to them and they played it off as, "Oh, it's just your anxiety." "You're just paranoid." "It's all in your head." So after several months of this continuing, I'm starting to think maybe I have some severe mental illness that's causing this paranoia. Maybe I have schizophrenia? I had been having some minor auditory hallucinations, so this is why I went there. Like I don't even know. Just any other explanation other than what I'm thinking is happening being true. I was seriously considering checking myself into a mental institution because of this. (They both also have depression and anxiety, so they understand what saying these things to me meant.)

Finally, over Christmas break, they both went home to their families and I stayed in our apartment alone. I just lost it. I broke down and I went into one of their iPads and read their text messages. And I was right. I was fucking goddamn right the entire time. There was months of text messages of them saying they'd always choose the other over me if it ever came down to it. And I'm sitting there wondering what made them think it'd even come down to it at some point? I had asked them frequently if anything I did bothered them so I could change it if necessary and they never said anything. So I'm sitting there seeing these things, realizing they gaslit me this entire fucking time knowing goddamn well what they were doing to me. It literally felt like someone took a knife and stabbed me in my heart. I have never been hurt so deeply as I was when I discovered this.

When they came back home, we didn't speak to each other for I think it was at least 2 weeks. Living in rooms directly next to each other, in the same apartment, I did not speak to them and they did not speak to me for at least 2 whole weeks, if not more. I spent some of the time at my boyfriend's place at the time because I was just a wreck. I was weeping for hours a day. I was so anxious about everything that I was seriously trembling, my entire body. I ended up going to see a therapist and she pretty much immediately knew that she could not offer me the amount of help that I needed right then. I was on the verge of being suicidal and seriously struggling to not start cutting again, though I may have, I don't actually remember. So the therapist referred me to a partial hospitalization program. Go during the day and go through classes to help you learn how to cope and deal with the stress and the things that got you there. It was there that I learned that the minor auditory hallucinations could be caused by increased stress, like thinking you're a nutjob.

It was at some point during that program that I was assisted in getting up the nerve to have a sit down with my roommates and see if we can talk this out. They were very cold when I spoke with them about it. From my point of view, they had no reason to act this way towards me. It was a complete blank as to why they'd act like this as I was under the impression they would not have known that I read their messages yet. I, however, was wrong. Thank you, Apple for screentime and ratting on me. I was planning on telling them anyway, but it made that time in between unbearable. Literally no one said anything to either side when they got back home. I had removed all of my belongings from the common areas and put them in my room. I wanted to be as separate from them as I possibly could since I already was, but I was just the only one who hadn't known it.

When we sat down to talk, it was me that had to lead the whole thing. I had to nudge everything forward. We could've gone the last 5 months living there without speaking if I hadn't asked to have a sitdown. I can almost guarantee it. They are not very confrontational people and will avoid it if they can, which is why I'm assuming they never told me what I did that made them dislike me so much. I still to this day do not know. I apologized to them for going through their things and that it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it. And I'm not trying to excuse it by any means, but what I found as a result kind cemented the fact that it was necessary for my mental health. I literally thought I had lost my mind until I found the proof I was right. And they were letting me. I tried explaining my side of things and then they spoke and basically, if I remember correctly, just doubled down and made me feel like I was the only person in the wrong because I had invaded their privacy, which I still feel guilty for despite the fact that it probably saved me from a psych ward stay. They made me feel like they didn't see or understand my side of things at all and that what I found didn't matter because of the way I found it out. Which is so fucking stupid because that'd be like a dude trying to tell his girlfriend it doesn't count that she found out he cheated because she went through his phone without his permission. Like, this isn't the law or the courtroom, you can't claim fruit of the poisonous tree. You are not innocent just because of how the proof was found. You're still fucking guilty! And it just never felt like they knew this. They never apologized for anything because they felt that they never did anything wrong. They even tried to deny gaslighting me when I KNOW it happened because I wrote in a journal sometimes and there were multiple entries recording when they told me I was just crazy! Sitting down with them ending up being almost entirely pointless since they essentially continued to gaslight me. They're the only ones who got something out of it, they got an apology where it was deserved. However, I did not.

So, since I never got an apology and never got them to admit they even did something wrong, I've struggled for like 5 years now, I think that's how long it's been. How do you get over or through something that you never got ANY type of closure on? And that you most likely never will. I don't really talk to them anymore and I'm perfectly happy with that. I haven't been able to really trust anyone since then though. Even when someone says they're my friend or they like me, doesn't matter, I just don't believe them because x, y, and z all betrayed me in super hurtful ways and the only common denominator is me in all of it, so I must be the one that has something wrong with them, right? My therapist says no, but it's kinda her job to make me feel better so I'm not sure I completely believe that. And what pisses me off is that NO ONE tells me what I did to make them feel so negative about me. So I have no fucking clue what is so awful about me that people would rather make me feel insane than tell me what is actually wrong with me.

[master-skywalker]

Coruscant, Naboo, Tatooine

[feminescu]

i am not my mother and i am not my father but a third worse thing

[floridakilo]

their daughter

[dontcallthislovee]

Seeing people you don't remember in pubic

So I live alone in Davison right next to Flint, MI, so going into public, I'm somewhat likely to see someone I may know, especially since I worked EMS for over 3 years in this county. The problem with this is: I have no idea who they are. Aside from the more common problem, getting anxious when old classmates, workmates, etc. see you years later, I also have this horrible ability for faces. Someone who was once one of my best friends growing up, I can't place their name or ANY memories involving them. I am 29. This should not be THIS difficult for me.

Getting onto what caused this post in the first place; I went to a bar nearby to get some food to go and got a beer while I waited. Right after I got to the bar, a man from across of it starter waving at me. For the life of me, I had no idea who he was. He seemed to know who I was and so did his girlfriend. I'm already bad enough at interacting with other people as a baseline, so adding in that they seem to know me, but I do not know them makes it literally impossible for me to be capable of any participation in a social interaction other than a smile and a head nod, which makes me feel so ruuuude.

[dontcallthislovee]

I discovered I left the stove on after making tea just a little bit ago. It's been on for more than a few hours, probably. I don't know how long it was because I was playing Don't Starve and time passes so easily when I play that game. I'll say I'm gonna do something real quick and three hours later oops I forgot I was planning to get off. My consumers bill is gonna be so bad this month. I've found myself leaving the heat on when I've left the sliding door open for the balcony on nicer days. And I've been gone all day on the days I did this. 😭 Even knowing how forgetful I am, I still forget to double check things. Or my brain will tell me I KNOW I did that when I most certainly did not do that. SO frustrating.

[dontcallthislovee]

Laying in bed and a bunch of sirens start getting louder and louder. Am I the only one that has this thought process when that happens?:

"Are they coming for me? What have I done? What haven't I done?" *slight panic ensues*

Knowing full well I have done absolutely nothing illegal enough to warrant sirens in the middle of the night to my home.

[dontcallthislovee]

Just opened the oven to put food in to keep it warm while I do something. Found food I previously stored there to keep it warm while I do something. Why am I like this?

[hungwy]

I like saying "I'll allow it" only in contexts where I have no power or authority

[nudityandnerdery]

You know what, OP?

[dontcallthislovee]

So I've been in a dark place mentally for the last three years, which led me to being homeless for that time. Well, I got approved for disability last Halloween and got a good, working car and my own apartment. So for the first time in over 3 years, I actually have an address that is mine and so I've been changing it on everything so no one else is getting my mail anymore. Well good job, me. Because now allllll the creditors that I owe have found me and are demanding their money NOW. I was stupid and reckless and so there's a decent amount of creditors. I just got FedExed a notice from one that if they don't get their money IN FULL, they are going to seek the assistance of a state of Michigan attorney. Like come on, people. I am JUST getting back on my feet. I am JUST beginning to get to the point where I can actually make ends meet with very little left over. Disability does not pay much and it costs money to get the things you need to live. And it costs more money to get what you need to start out considering I lost basically everything owned from living on my own before. The only furniture I have are a bed, tv, and a cat tree. Like the vacuum I have won't even work right. I have to use the tools if I want it suck anything up. I'm just getting settled into my place and all these people come knocking to collect as if I haven't been homeless. And what's worse is that half of them KNOW I was homeless and in a mental health crisis. And now I'm sitting here wondering if disability can be garnished because having shit garnished is what got me to where I was right before I became homeless. And I'm NOT trying to do that again. Like what do I do? Tell them I can afford to pay them $10 a month? Like I know that if you're paying them something, then they can't take action against you and they can't deny you if you offer to pay something. That's the best solution I've been able to think of. All of this is just adding so much stress when I finally just got out of my mom's house where it was nothing BUT stress all day everyday. I was finally starting to relax and enjoy life a little bit. Why's the world always gotta come crashing in and ruin everything?

[dontcallthislovee]

So I've been thinking a lot about the Ukraine conflict with Russia and have been keeping up with articles on it. As many know, China has joined Russia, essentially, as an ally. And it's looking like North Korea will join them as well. And while I completely disagree with everything they've been doing, especially their human rights violations, I can't help but understand and even agree with a statement from someone within one of their regimes said:

"Everybody knows full well that the U.S. uses human rights to settle scores with governments not to their liking."

And...where's the lie? I wish they would have taken it further to mention the human rights violations the U.S. itself has made against its own citizens under the Trump Administration, but they probably don't seem like violations to them considering all the horrible shit they do to their citizens. And while these violations don't happen like they did under Trump, the Biden Administration is still falling short of what it promised. We're halfway through this term and what change have we really made? Look at how much damage they were able to inflict during their 4 year stint and we haven't been able to really repair ANY of it. We still feel the effects of what Trump has done to us and we probably will for many years to come at this rate. I'm terrified that after having Trump as president, then going to Biden, won't do anything but push people back to Trump. I feel like the only way to prevent that is to walk back a lot of the things he did. And don't get me wrong, Biden has done a lot of good while he's been in office. But he hasn't done everything he's promised and I feel like he could do more in other ways. This country is reeling from what Trump has done to us. From insurrection to the overturning of Roe v. Wade., we will feel this for years and years. And Biden is still quiet on so many subjects that his words and support could make a difference on. It hurts to come upon articles or hear news that he hasn't offered any support towards certain situations after everything we went through and after all of the faith we put in him. Biden was always a likeable man since he became more known under the Obama Administration, but I wish it would have been Bernie Sanders. He was the man for this job. He was the man that would have made a big, BIG difference and I'm sad that Democrats were forced to choose Biden simply because the DNC chose him. They backed the wrong horse. I just hope it doesn't cost us all the 2024 election.

[dontcallthislovee]

Sometimes I really wish I had some actual friends that I could just talk to. The only "friends" I have are dudes that think of me as a sexual object or family members. Other times, I truly enjoy my solitude and not having to worry about ignoring people because there's no one contacting me ever to ignore. Then again that feels very lonely at the same time. It's funny because this also describes what it's like to be continuously single now that I'm putting it all down in one place.

[deerilkka]

Reblog if it’s okay to befriend you, ask questions, ask for advice, rant, vent, let something off your chest, or just have a nice chat.

[lilboreddev-blog]

reblog if your name isn't Amanda.

[thatblackwatchdouche-blog-blog]

2,121,566 people are not Amanda and counting!

We’ll find you Amanda.

[iceslushii]

this has almost 11 million notes what is this

[yiffmaster]

I’ve never seen this post once in 10 years on this site

[dontcallthislovee]

The Nevers

I just spent the last 2 solid hours scrolling through my Google search history because I could not for the life of me remember this show I watched last year so I could see if they released the episodes I had been waiting on. I had already searched through EVERY major streaming site to look for it to no avail. I got to the point of googling very specific descriptions of the show hoping with all hope I’d figure it out because by this point, I won’t rest until I find the name of that show. I FINALLY found it, it’s called The Nevers and is about women from the 1890s that develop abilities and are referred to as The Touched. However, I couldn’t find it because fucking goddamn motherfucking HBO Max DECIDED TO CANCEL IT HALFWAY THROUGH A SEASON and then REMOVE the episodes they released from their site. DESPITE THERE BEING 6 MORE EPISODES ALREADY DONE BEING PRODUCED AND READY FOR RELEASE. Now instead, I have to wait until Roku and Tubi get the show on their sites because that’s the ONLY way I can watch anymore of this wonderfully great show.

[strawberrymilkshakeearrings]

forgot to post this the other day

[clownboybebop]

surely the horrible beast-cat that bites everyone all the time won’t bite me

[clownboybebop]

good lird ive been sampled