I love character constructs, systems, and themes, mmm yummy
new to Tumblr i dont entirely know how it works but i will sometimes just say things here i think
This is my blog, where you'll primarily find text posts related to things I think about. I'm 21, autistic, goth, queer, and a Page of Void, of course. You can default to calling me Sterling or Mer, and using they/them for me. Here are some things about me.
Sideblogs
@dreameatworld - my worldbuilding project, Dreameat
@octupleaurorian - where I record my gender identity entries
My special interests / topics I enjoy discussing, studying, and practicing:
Dreams and dream working (which differs from dream interpretation)
Psychology (my favorites include dream psych, abnormal psych, clinical psych, behavioral psych, developmental psych, social psych, and personality psych) (I don't formally practice, I just like this stuff)
Gender and sexuality
Goth, punk, and alternative subcultures (not a style, a subculture)
Goth music
Excel spreadsheets for just about everything, especially fun charts
English linguistics: spelling, grammar, syntax, morphology, semantics
I am simultaneously an enthusiast of the split-attraction model, while also having matching romantic and sexual orientations (which I found out is called being perioriented). Personally, instead of calling myself omnisexual and demisexual to encompass both types of attraction, I prefer and enjoy different wording: I fully experience omni-attraction and demi-attraction in non-platonic relationships.
Regarding my gender identity, the most accurate and highly-encompassing terms I identify with are genderbox, fluidflux, polygender, and of course, non-binary and transgender.
There are 8 specific genders I have discovered and collected that cover approximately all of the gendered feelings I fluctuate between. Each of these gender identities are also paired with a name I have given myself. I did this to combat my trans impostor syndrome and to give each one a bit more personality. Since these genders all feel like different parts of me, it feels fitting to have a different name for each, too.
The following lists my genders, names, and pronouns. You can always call me any of these names and pronouns, but some feel more/less accurate at times. Not a lot of people call me any of these names, so it'd be nice to see them in practice.
Demigirlflux - Stella, They/she
Agender - Mer, They/them
Péra - Marion, They/them or Any
Proxvir - Astrophel or Brian, He/they or They/them
they should invent a term for shipping were I don't think they should be in a romantic relationship however I believe they are each others parasite and separating them is not an option
lunar sway is widely known to be something that cannot be defined or pinned down. before this, the most accurate one I've seen is dog person (prospit) and cat person (derse). however, this one right here is now canon to me as well. thank you
also btw, you dont even have to be ace, aro, or have differing sexual and romantic attraction tendencies to believe in the split-attraction model, nor to see proof of it literally everywhere, even (and especially) in the straightest spaces imaginable.
(widely proclaimed) straight people who aren't involved in the queer community often display behaviors that prove its existence time and time again. have you even seen how so many straight people are romantically straight but aren't afraid to be a little homo in the bedroom? some of it is for laughs of course (kinda weird imo), but why would they be participating in the bedroom this way if they didn't get something enjoyable out of it? and yes this includes the enjoyment a person can get solely by pleasing another of the same sex or gender. that counts. that makes you sexually queer no matter how you spin it.
ive been wondering forever why straight people don't tend to see romantic and sexual attraction as different things that may or may not happen to match up at times. what causes these people to refuse to have any interest or curiosity about how/why these things may work?
ALSO it has always pissed me off that when romantic and sexual attraction are referred to together, as one thing- one type of attraction, it is always called "___-sexual". heterosexual, homosexual, etc. while the assumption is often actually meant to mean romantic attraction first, and sexual attraction next. unless I dont understand these types of discussions correctly and somehow people actually do mean sexual attraction as the prioritized type of attraction. which relates heavily to this highly sexual world we live in, where sexual attraction is drastically the default, norm, or primary purpose of non-platonic relationships. people are more than that, man. people are more than what they do to your arousal levels.
these are all canon to me AND BTW after we got those beforan ancestor designs, I think anyone who said "erm not accurate because eridan is a bad person and wouldn't grow up to have love in his heart for lusii" (and similar sentiments about the others, like swansong) is super duper wrong. first of all people can grow into someone very different.
second, and most importantly of all, eridan and zoologer coolscar are not the exact same person!!!! note how the beforus kids and the alternian ancestors are not the same people, because they lived on different planets with completely different societies and rulers, and therefore, social norms and rules. the alternian ancestors had such a dark story because they were under the rule of the condesce, who is like, really evil! the beforus ancestors have been shown to live in a much more peaceful (but far from perfect) society under who we assumed to be feferi's equivalent, and who we now know to be Her Imperilous Consternation.
ALSO a really cool thing we've known way before any of these new ancestor designs is that [trolls + their ancestors] AND [trolls + their equivalent other-universe ancestor versions] all tend to have interesting and highly ironic parallels. I love lamplady swansong because of her strange disposition of disabilities (blindness and bad luck) which reflects the effects vriska had on the most involved trolls in her own life and how she disabled them similarly (terezi, and also tavros).
basically if you get anything from this: the new ancestors we got aren't the beta trolls grown up, they're literally from a different universe, and who already have a tendency to experience highly ironic life events or parallels, which is why some seem so different or so similar to our main cast. they are so intertwined with the others connected to them, that it causes similarities and differences on a karmic level. it just works.
anyway thank you to grey I absolutely love this post they made it really got my gears turning
also btw, you dont even have to be ace, aro, or have differing sexual and romantic attraction tendencies to believe in the split-attraction model, nor to see proof of it literally everywhere, even (and especially) in the straightest spaces imaginable.
(widely proclaimed) straight people who aren't involved in the queer community often display behaviors that prove its existence time and time again. have you even seen how so many straight people are romantically straight but aren't afraid to be a little homo in the bedroom? some of it is for laughs of course (kinda weird imo), but why would they be participating in the bedroom this way if they didn't get something enjoyable out of it? and yes this includes the enjoyment a person can get solely by pleasing another of the same sex or gender. that counts. that makes you sexually queer no matter how you spin it.
ive been wondering forever why straight people don't tend to see romantic and sexual attraction as different things that may or may not happen to match up at times. what causes these people to refuse to have any interest or curiosity about how/why these things may work?
Love it when you do a quiz and it’s obvious what the answers correlate to. U know what I mean. The quiz will be like… r u a mermaid or a vampire… and the questions are like
Do u like the ocean
1. Omg yes I love the ocean I could live there forever
2. It’s ok
3. Not a fan of the ocean
4. Fuck the ocean unless it’s made of blood which btw I love to drink
like even if you somehow weren't choosing answers specifically to get a certain result, NONE OF THESE OPTIONS MAKE ANY SENSE
except for maybe chocolate but that's still more of a dessert than a food. anyway its really funny how the people who made these quizzes would also throw you into a roleplay / have these characters talk to you or react to whichever answer you picked. also i just remembered that thats one more layer of bias they give you while picking.
"omg sans agrees with this one... i should pick it" - me when i was 11, probably
Love it when you do a quiz and it’s obvious what the answers correlate to. U know what I mean. The quiz will be like… r u a mermaid or a vampire… and the questions are like
Do u like the ocean
1. Omg yes I love the ocean I could live there forever
2. It’s ok
3. Not a fan of the ocean
4. Fuck the ocean unless it’s made of blood which btw I love to drink
Hey guys you should totally get into this thing i like. Yeah it's mid at best. It also aged poorly. You'll get nothing out of it at all. You'll like the idea of it more than the actual thing. But at least only takes half your natural lifespan to finish it
btw the split-attraction model is not only fantastic but I cannot believe that this has never been the standard of understanding, and it still isn't. It's something I've been describing my whole life before I even knew there was a name for it. I am continuously very, very baffled when people cannot differentiate the possibilities of types of attraction, and this goes for the countless types, not just romance and sex.
what I do love is how steven universe communicated this heavily through fusions, since all fusions are composed of a unique type of relationship between characters; one that doesn't always need to be defined. I've also seen people react concerningly to the interaction between Steg and Opal during independent together. No they arent gonna freak each other bruh!!! but that doesn't mean all of their unique relationships with one another aren't coalescing into a wonderful stew of complicated emotions, because that certainly is what's happening, and it's really, really cool.
Chronic pain is like: I'm in pain. "Well, you really shouldn't let that stop you from doing things." Ok, I guess I'll keep doing this even though I'm in pain. "Well, if the pain was really that bad, then it would stop you from doing things, so it's probably not that bad." Actually, it got worse because I kept doing things. "Well, why would you overdo it and hurt yourself? You should know your limits." Ok, fine. I know my limit, and I have reached it. I need to rest. "Okay, but last week you did all this other stuff, so I know you CAN do more, so I think you're just making excuses?" Ok.
this is what autism feels like to me and often my overall capacity for tougher things. why is my capacity measured this way, so my family members can be disappointed no matter what I do?
call me absolutely nuts for posting this scalding take on tumblr but I don't like saying that I love or hate certain demographics of people because like. yes marginalization affects people differently depending what demographics they are a part of, and difficulty + struggle often create stronger, more admirable people, but there will never be an overall helpful generalization (or generalizing opinion) of demographics nor of the people in them. we are simple creatures and love generalizing groups for the sake of ease, or perhaps more sinister reasons, sometimes.
so I suppose my point is that saying "I love autistic trans goths," for example, is cool and all, but very strange to me considering that you do not know all of them, or even most of them, or even a fraction of them, and you especially do not know most of those people personally. I don't really like calling (most) people good or bad people so I will phrase it like this: just as there are many, many people in that specific group that you or I might really like, there are many, many people in that group that you or I might really not like. at all.
also, I do understand that I could be taking this way too literally. finding people you relate to is a wonderful feeling. finding others in similar demographics to you is a great way to find safe spaces and relatability, but it's also very valuable to reach into demographics you aren't a part of. variety in your perspective and experience is a great tool, and a great joy in life. you can always find people with love in their hearts, no matter what demographics they fall into.
but I find that saying "I love autistic trans goths," (NOTE: IN A WAY THAT IS BELIEVED FULLY OR IN A POLARIZING MANNER) is not actually that different from saying something like "I hate allistic cis people who don't partake in alternative subculture" because, believe it or not, there are some unbelievably beautiful souls outside of your circles, even when they dont have the same struggles and suffering and takes on life that you experience yourself. we can teach each other. they can teach you some new things, too.
as an autistic trans goth, saying "I love / hate autistic trans goths" and "I love / hate allistic cis people who don't partake in alternative subculture" feel the exact same to me. it's all weird, it all makes no sense. do you not have the self control to hold your judgements about a person until they show you their character? and no, affiliations and groups are not inherent to character. you don't know these people, even when they're in the same groups as you. give them a chance, and give yourself a chance to listen with unclouded ears and eyes before any extremist moral judgements come into the picture.
I'm very tired of extreme, polarizing, and generalized judements. I'm very tired of seeing dnis. I would talk to just about anyone if they showed genuine curiosity or care for anything I think, which is on a case-by-case basis for people, btw, despite what you tend to know about groups and the people in them. you don't have to agree with people to treat them like people.
important distinction: I don't think you should dismiss or enable those who don't treat others as people. I do think it heals the world every time you treat every person with respect, which includes only due patience, kindness, and as much truth as they need to hear, even if you don't like that person.
btw, my life got so much better when I stopped saying "they're a good / bad person" and started saying "I'm a fan / not a fan of that person."
remember to share the love in your heart with others, and with yourself. an eye for an eye just makes everyone blind.
It’s like. When I was told to “just be yourself” as a kid I thought it was a passive thing. Like oh easy I just have to sit here and be myself. but the reason so many people think that “being yourself” is bullshit advice is because you actually have to make active choices to do this and it WILL make your life way more fun. You have to wear t-shirts of bands that were popular ten years ago because you like them. You have to do your hair in a way that you find cute or comfortable even if it’s “so nineties”. If your friend says a food you enjoy is gross to them, you can’t be afraid to admit you casually disagree. You have to do hobbies that you’re interested in even if you’re bad at them and you cant feel like you have to get good at something before you tell people it’s an activity you do. You have to read manga and comic books in public and get piercings your relatives think are unattractive. You don’t have to tell people you dislike that you dislike them, but you don’t have to give them your time and attention either. You have to rewatch that kids show you’re nostalgic for even if you’re in your 30s. You have to change your name if you hate it, even if only a few close friends can know. You have to get fun girly drinks at the bar. You have to order hot chocolate when you don’t like coffee and black coffee when you don’t like sweet things. I am still bad at practicing this but it is the only way to make it all tolerable.
this but unfortunately the other way around... that stuff being the easy part, but allowing yourself to feel what you feel around others being the hard part. like why can I only laugh and smile around others, even when I'm feeling a profound discomfort, sadness, or anger. I want to learn to show my heart without the fear of ruining everything and it being my fault. people around me have the right to know what I really feel, but I don't know how to show them, I just know how to appeal :(
Gonna do a rant about Daleks because my bestie said to post part of a rant I did because I wrote it awesomely
Daleks are probably one of the best, most terrifying alien forces ever written and it’s astounding how they’re not talked about more.
they look a bit goofy. The “EXTERMINATE” bit is iconic and also goofy. But you keep watching and it’s like oh my god. They are mutated husks inside of a perfect metal coffin with only one desire that never ever wanes. Holy peak
I always thought the tripods in War of the Worlds were the most terrifying alien invasion force Ive seen, maybe the Illuminate in Helldivers 2 as well. Tripods taking people, turning them into like, fertilizer or whatever (my knowledge is based on the Tom Cruise movie) but the tripod pilots die from common earth bacteria, rendering their shields useless, easy weakness (after the devastation is done)
The illuminate are terrifying in the way they kidnap metric shit tons of people and turn them into zombies with a fading sense of their remaining humanity and loyalty to Super Earth, but also they’re a bunch of old people in armor with lore that takes forever to develop… they die from a good amount of liberator bullets, they ain’t that crazy (aside from the meridia situation)
Then theres Daleks 🤤 they have their weaknesses, yes. They can be shot in the eye to be rendered blind, theyre often defeated through outsmarting or manipulating them, but they rarely ever actually DIE. Rose had to take the entire power of the time vortex in the Tardis to be able to destroy the Dalek fleet and revive everyone, which forced The Doctor to take the energy and regenerate! These are the lengths that must happen for Daleks to die! Even a single Dalek loose on Earth can easily kill thousands!
And throughout the entire history of Doctor Who, to my knowledge, the only time a Dalek ever got sick of the whole “EXTERMINATE” bit was when the last remaining Dalek got contaminated by Rose, making it go insane and begging to be released from its torment! Other than this, they have a 99.99999999% perfect run of only ever wanting to kill something. Which of course becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, they start infighting over slight impurities, which then will eventually probably lead to their extinction. But isn’t it really cool how a Daleks only flaw is its own directive?? It’s so rare to see villains that aren’t attempted to be redeemed, that are genuinely only made to be completely evil, and written so well to such a degree where they aren’t even comically evil (well, they are, but as a whole their evil is more terrifying than comical)
This is a bit of an unpopular opinion but I think people have to understand that when you begin to de-gender clothing and mannerisms and styles of presentation you are going to be understanding when people misgender you, a trans person, and remember that it's not because their allyship is performative or insincere.
"It's all performative! Someone wearing a "protect the dolls" shirt just misgendered me!" Okay did she like. Know you're a woman? Or at least that you use she/her pronouns? Was she being transphobic or was she just being progressive and not automatically assuming that presenting as feminine meant you Have to be a woman?
I say this as a non-passing trans man who reads as a butch lesbian. People often default to believing I'm just a queer woman. And when corrected, they're supportive and apologetic, generally. Don't get me wrong, ocassionally it stings but — am I supposed to get mad that they aren't making assumptions based on my style of dress?
There's a cis gay man in my area that tends to show up to underground shows and queer events wearing dresses and heals and makeup. He is a cis man, but is ocassionally mistaken for a trans woman, although he's just a feminine presenting guy who enjoys getting dolled up.
I get that it sucks to be misgendered but it's actually a good thing to de-gender stuff, and it makes the world a lot easier if you stop assuming everything is being done in malice. Sometimes people try to be supportive and understanding and have the best of intentions but their attempts fall short. But it's just not healthy to assume it's always performative bullshit.
