C-PTSD and relationships/friendships.
I'm really looking at myself lately and I'm surprised at how I live my life.
My mind, it stuffs feelings away automatically. I can't control it. I'm not close to anyone, except for the family in America and even then, there is a certain amount of stuffing down the feelings because otherwise I'd be upset all the time I think.
But I'm so numb. :( And meeting this girl has stimulated me. Having BPD means that we love stimulation because it's such a difference to the numbness and emptiness. And I know I feel nothing. I never feel passionate or intrigued or amazed by anything. I'm just inward.
I said to a clinical psychologist once that I feel I could travel to Australia from here and not miss anyone except for my therapist whom I was so anxious and bordering suicidal from. She was maternal to me. I've not had a mother-figure. My Stepmum hardly counts as one. She was there but emotionally absent 95% of the time, as was Dad. I might as well have been a foster child. My younger sister even says that she wishes she was fostered. :(.
I can let go of people so easily and then the feelings of missing them only comes up when I need something. I feel so selfish saying that but it's true. I only need someone when I'm in a catastrophe, otherwise I feel numb and by myself.
The worse point of my life was last year. When my therapist at the time had said to me that therapy was being terminated in a few months, it set in a deep depression that caused me a lot of anxiety, fear, suicidal thoughts, the start of self-harm episodes, helplessness, hopelessness and withdrawal from eating. I lost so much weight. I would come back from therapy on a Saturday and it would take me 2 days to mourn 'loosing' her. I'd sleep in bed all weekend and cry. I'd try to be angry at her to stop me feeling anything toward her. On Monday I could just about get up and do things.
(Possible trigger warning: family conflicts, abuse)
I have felt alone all my life, except for the parts where my Grandparents came over and I went to go and see them. I felt loved and looked after. But when it was just me, my Stepmum and my Dad, our 'family' was divided. We were always in separate rooms and I always ate alone (which is why I get anxiety and depression eating alone now). I only remember once having a grown-up conversation with my Dad and I was stunned that he was talking to me like I was my age. All memories of hugs and affection I can't recall. I only recall feeling desolate and alone. I recall satisfying myself by immersing in fantasies and music; heavy fantasies; the types that take you completely out of reality. I recall the arguments and the beatings but not how they started. I can't recall how many times it happened. I recall being gender confused and resenting boys and resenting myself for being a girl and into girls by the majority. I recall my earliest memories where my stepmum packed black plastic bags full of her clothes, shouting at my Dad and taking me with her from him then going back shortly afterwards I recall the time when I was 15, which was the age where a despair walked in and I wanted to kill my family with a carving knife and the time where my Dad chased me with a gun and pulling the trigger on an empty barrel that I didn't know of, and him thinking it was funny. I recall the time where my silent rage crept up on me and I'd decided to attempt to destroy my life and start again by setting fire to the house, until my Dad arrived just as I put the flame to the carpet. I recall being infantalized. I recall those night-times where the moment I would walk around my room, I'd be told off and told to stay in bed. Or the times where my Dad would take me into his office with my report card and swear and shout at me for my grades slipping.
I recall the worse times more than the good times because the good times consisted of being with my other family; my aunt's, my uncle's, cousins and grandparents.
After I had found out that I had an older sister when I was 15, I recall not being very shocked by it. Too many disruptions had happened; My Mum leaving when I was 1, only to be very intermittent in her visiting afterward. I recall telling my Dad by text message that I was into women and him rejecting it all and thus rejected me from his life for 3 years and I remember, I was in Regent's park with my friend and I slipped the phone back into my pocket and shrugged at his response.
I think the most conscious painful memories, though, was when I'd come back from visiting the family I adored and who kept me safe and loved. I'd come back and cry over them by myself. From as far back as I remember, I recall having to deal with those feelings alone. I recall being about 10 years old and I had cried for a few hours and I went out my room and looked at my Dad and he was in his office with his friend and he didn't respond.
And yet, I still wonder how bad or good my childhood was. I still worry that I dramatize things and that it's me that is pulling myself back and only me. I worry that I made a wrong move to estrange myself from both my parents for the time being. After I found out that my Mum had lied to me about my older sister and painted her in such a bad picture that I was scared of who my older sister was, I lost all respect for my Mum. Despite the fact that my Mum seemed like a stranger to me anyway, the fact that she tried to brainwash me into thinking like her has offended and disgusted me. This is my half sister she was talking about. Not a stranger or a distant friend.
Sometimes I feel that I'm completely 'normal' in terms of mentally being able to deal with things, despite the past 3 years being extremely chaotic. But I know that some things are wrong. I know that I suffer identity crisis all the time and that I'm so rejecting of myself that I can't be myself; I'm so scared to be me because if I'm me then I'm boring and uninteresting and too shy and withdrawn for people to want to know me. People like confident people; they find it attractive and I feel I have to follow suit but I know I'm not. I'm extremely frightened of being judged in any bad way.
snowghoul
turnnoffyourmind
ellievsbear
prguitarman
