Elephants with reading glasses

25, she/her, Canadian, AuDHD, 🩷💜💙,so many fandoms, seriously I've lost track, just assume I'm in the fandom at this point

[elephants-with-reading-glasses]

HELP WANTED: Pep Talk

Who: Any of you wonderfully chaotic humans who is adept at advice and/or telling people to shut up and get on with it

Recipient: Me - a socially anxious, people pleasing, procrastinating, disaster bi

When: Preferably in the next 3 hours. I've left things to the last minute, as per usual

What: I'm planning on coming out to my 2 best friends this evening. I'm confident it will go well, but I'm freaking out anyway. They'll be the first people I've told directly, although I'm 90% sure my sister knows, and has done for a while. I've been meaning to do this for months, but I've chickened out at every available opportunity, and It's getting ridiculous, so I've decided I just need to get it over with tonight. Any thoughts/advice/tough love would be much appreciated

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

love it when my fellow they/thems refer to themselves with gendered language specifically to make situations gayer and/or funnier.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i knew an enby who got married and they both referred to each other as "my wife." until the other spouse transitioned, at which point they became husbands.

the cherry on top? introducting each other to new acquaintances as "my ex-wife and current husband"

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

“If I had time travel I’d kill Hitler” “If I had time travel I’d stop my favourite politician getting assassinated” you’re all thinking way too small. If I had time travel I’d stop Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin from dying on the moon due to Soviet sabotage, kicking off the Great Nuclear War and devastating half of the planet.

[stavarosthearcane]

Good Job.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

#this post gets me every time 

It’s from two days ago fam how many times could there have been

[heroofthreefaces]

do you think no one else has time travel

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Happy one month anniversary to this post that has not allowed me a single day of fucking peace since I made it.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

#surprise reblog!! 

STOP IT’S BEEN MONTHS. MONTHS!

YOU CAN STOP.

[roach-works]

wow if only you had a time machine

[transdaughterofthesun]

Honestly having reached a billion notes I think it’s safe to say that in the Year of our lord 2041, this is the most popular tumblr post out there.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

I’m killing your parents before you’re born

[iforgotmyfandom]

:)

[idiototheinternet]

Still here, why’d you hesitate @derinthescarletpescatarian

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Your mum’s ability to hold up under active gunfire was really hot. I’m your dad now.

[lizyarikus]

Isn’t that the plot of Terminator

[anexperimentallife]

Where do you think the plot for Terminator came from?

[what-if-i-just-did]

This is such a classic trainwreck post that has the vibes of a 2014 screenshot posted to Pinterest and then the last addition is just last Tuesday I can’t even

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Imagine how I feel

[mrsjdavis]

POST, LIVE FOREVER!!!!!!

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

It doesn’t have to

[smegorl]

Yes it does.

[believeyourownworth]

You know, why do this and that

When you can use it to go back to Ancient Egypt and witness how they built Pyramids and stuffs, or just watched Dinosaurs

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

I’m no expert but I think the pyramids were probably built by cutting big chinks of rock and dragging them on top of other big chunks of rock

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

I played this game as a child and it pretty much answered most of my questions about the process.

[goethefaustworld]

I don’t think they were framing it as a mystery…

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

I could go back and film them building them in order to make a really visually accurate remaster of Pharaoh for when sales drop off from the existing remaster of Pharaoh

[elierlick]

Yet another new study debunked the basis for the anti-trans sports bans. It was never about sports but for creating legal avenues for exclusion and abjection. This is one of the largest analyses ever conducted, involving 52 studies and 6,485 trans people. Read the study here.

[lucieslucidity]

post so nice had to reblog it twice and force it down everyone's throats

[the-haiku-bot]

post so nice had to

reblog it twice and force it

down everyone’s throats

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i...just had my first positive interaction with a customer service bot. im shaking in my fucking booties rn

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

to be clear

this wasn't AI. this bot was a (relatively simple) series of algorithms, designed to respond to keywords with pre-written responses and guide the user on a "choose your own path" to possible automated solutions.

the bot could solve my problem because it was a common problem with a simple, automated solution. this is a thing bots can be really really good at! a well-designed service bot saves human labor by "weeding out" the common, easy-to-fix issues, so employee time gets spent dealing with the problems that do require human oversight.

at no point did I ask to speak to a human, bc the bot was equipped to handle my specific problem. if that wasn't the case, i would have been FURIOUS if the bot had customer-service-cockblocked me from talking to a real-life human. you know, the way MOST GenAI bots seem designed to do (i have stewed in so many hours of seething violence following interactions where an AI bot won't even admit it's a bot, much less redirect you to someone capable of sentient thought)

in conclusion, i had a good experience with a simple (non-AI) bot and it reminded me once again that genAI has set the internet back a fucking decade with damage that will take many more years to repair and de-pollute

[feldfrog]

If a fantasy world has an ancient tree of wisdom, that means it must also have young trees that are dumb as shit. Just giving terrible advice like, "the evil wizard is kinda hot"'

[evilwizard]

okay. rude.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

I like having a phone but I'm not so sold on having a phone number. people are calling me

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

why r u attempting to use my portable communication device to communicate with me. that's not its function

[doctor-doodleman]

I should lock the fuck in *half an hour passes* I should lock the fuck in *half an hour passes* I should lock the fuck in *half an hour passes* I should-

[chilewithcarnage]

[i-am-a-fish]

I don't want to be negative but I do think we need to kill some of these people

[finelytaylored]

(x)

[i-am-a-fish]

I want soup but I've already fully committed to bedtime

[i-am-a-fish]

I've been laying in bed thinking about wanting soup for almost 2 hours

[itshype]

"the tuna meltdownTM would have ended with them being exclusive if Ilya had only been straightforward with Shane." WRONG. unironically the best way for Ilya to sneak Shane into being exclusive would be like "hey going no condoms would be hot, yes. 😄 but not safe. 🙁 but wHAT IF we both got tested and then didn't sleep with other people when we're apart??? good idea because then we can fuck raw?! safely!"

and then he waits and brings up the "actually I'm not sleeping with other people because i'm not interested in doing that" later, once Shane has acclimatized like a frog.

[4me2knowandyou2wonder]

”Hollander. Hollanderrr. Holllaannderrr.” Rozanov drew out the name longer each time, demanding attentions. Shane finally snapped his eyes up to meet Rozanov’s.

“What.”

“Health testing for Boston was one two weeks ago.” Rozanov had his eyebrows raised like this was supposed to mean something. It did not.

“Okay?”

“I got my STI results.”

Shane stilled beneath Rozanov.

Rozanov felt it and rubbed a deft hand up Shane’s bare side. “I’m completely clean.”

Shane relaxed at that but his anxiety was quickly replaced with confusion. Why was Rozanov saying this? “Good for you.”

Rozanov lips curled up like they did when Shane did something boring. Shane frowned.

“Are you clean? Do you know?” Rozanov prompted.

Oh.

“Uh, yeah. I am.”

Shane can’t remember the last time he got tested but it didn’t matter. He knew how many sexual partners he’d had since (one) and (now) he knew that man’s status (completely clean).

“Why?” Shane ventured.

“I have been thinking, about…” Rozanov thumbed at the lube resting by Shane’s head. “Maybe only using this. Not…” he met Shane’s eyes and Shane folded like a house of cards. Whatever he was about to say, he was getting. “Maybe not using a condom this time.”

Oh fuck

-

Shane couldn’t move for 4 minutes after he came. It was about 6 more before Rozanov gained enough strength to pull himself off of Shane’s chest.

“Hollander,” Rozanov’s voice was breathy and plan-less. Then, “I’m getting rid of all my condoms.”

Shane let out a huffed disproving laugh. It was all he had strength for.

Rozanov’s arm was swung around his own head, and his hand played mercilessly with his ear. “We could stop using them. But…”

Shane frowned. “What?”

“We would both have to stop hooking up with other people.”

Shane didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t hooking up with other people.

Rozanov soldiered on. “It would be worth it for me. Would it be worth it for you?” A pause. “Do you want to?”

Did Shane want Rozanov to stop hooking up with anyone else just so he could ride Shane bareback roughly six times a year? It was shameful how much the answer was yes.

“Yeah okay let’s do it.” Shane said, calm out of sheer force of will.

Rozanov didn’t reply, he just swung around to shove his tongue into Shane’s mouth with the force of a thousands suns and didn’t pull away until he’d soaked up every noise he could draw out of Shane.

I guess this means they were exclusive now.

[godmotherpm]

The craziest thing about this whole situation is that Ilya thinks in Russian and in Russian ‘lovers’ LITTERAL TRANSLATION is ‘возлюбленные’. Which ACTUALLY MEANS ‘people who feel love and attraction towards each other’. MY BOY WAS CONFESSING HIS LOVE TO SHANE AND LOST IN TRANSLATION GAME. HE WAS SO PURE ABOUT IT AND ONLY GOT ‘No, Ilya, that’s gross’. MY SWEET LOVERBOY.

[lavenderprose]

Yes we all know that Ilya trained and molded Shane into his own personally-designed husband but the only reason he’s able to do that is because Ilya was chemically designed in a lab to be Shane’s. God saw Shane Hollander be born, said, “Oh. Yikes. Okay. Okay.” And then created Ilya Rozanov a month later. Like, “Here buddy, you’re gonna need this.”

[thewinchestergirlblog]

Told a friend I am bisexual and you know what she said? "Well, I kind of figured. You send off a vibe." How has no one else caught on yet?!

[academicblorbo]

Yuna and David asking about the timeline of their relationship would have been even funnier if, after discussing how long they've been "lovers":

Yuna: ok, so you've been "seeing" each other for 9 years... And when did you confess your real feelings and decided to be together?

Shane:

Ilya:

Yuna:

David:

Shane:

Ilya: like, today at 4am

[haunteddollsgeorg]

I think the ideal mutual is someone with some solid common ground but who also has a bonkers niche interest that’s totally foreign to you. It’s like a friendly educational experience