I had a dream last night.
You know, the kind of dream that slaps you full on the face with symbolism?
Imagine a man. He's a stereotypical nice guy, well liked, pleasant be around, helpful and quiet. Many might consider him a friend, but he remains in perpetual uncertainty regarding how genuine those connections are.
Now, the first impotant thing about him, if it isn't clear by now, is that since he was a boy, he has been haunted by thoughts and secret desires that no man should feel. I'm sure many of you know about the aching impossible desire that forms the very heart of you.
The other important thing about him is that he is a kind of wizard. Is he a magician or a scientist? It doesn't particularly matter for our purposes. He delves into the nature of the soul. He delves so deeply that he learns how it can be divided, how it can be moved from one place to another.
So he does what anyone in this situation would do, he makes a body, an empty vessel, a sort of Galatea. He makes her beautiful and elegant and graceful, everything beyond his own reach. And then he divides his own soul. He takes all the parts of himself that frighten and confuse him and he places them in her.
She comes to life and she loves him. And he loves her.
He loves her so deeply that when their bodies collide and entwine, when they reach the peak of physical pleasure, when their minds fuzz at the edges, he can see through her eyes, feel through her body.
He feels it so deeply that it makes him physically ill. Afterwards, as she holds and comforts him as he weeps, the seeds of doubt and confusion take root.
Time goes on and she goes out, she forms her own connections and relationships. She is happy. And seeing her happiness, the seeds in his soul bloom into a cold resentment.
It can't possibly be jealousy, he cut that part out of him.
The resentment grows and grows until he finally he finally issues an ultimatum. She can submit to his authority or face the consequences. But she is him, she is just as brilliant and clever as he is, so the next morning he finds her place on his bed empty. She has circumvented any kind of contingencies he put in place to keep her caged.
She leaves and she goes on living.
He stays, alone and tormented by his solitude and the feelings that never truly went away when he split himself apart.
The dream ends there, a blessedly complete narrative as dreams go.
And yet the dreamer is left with a glimmer of hope for him. Perhaps if he can move past his fears and embrace who he truly is, they can meet and reconcile. Or perhaps reconciliation is beyond them, but even living as his true self in whatever form that takes would be better than where he is now.
