freshairandsarcasm

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Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Fleeing the Interview

My passport was renewed! Exclamation point because, for reasons I am about to explain, the passport renewal process can be quite precarious. Mostly it was the “hair color” question.  And mostly because when I say “question,” know that your government isn’t so much asking but is, instead, demanding in a you-can-be-sent-to-prison-if-you-get-this-wrong kind of way and what with tests making me…

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Best. Sentence. Ever. (Again.)

Best. Sentence. Ever. (Again.)

Today’s sentence is brought to you by Cameron, age 16. Let’s say you have a boy.  Let’s also suppose that The Boy and his friends, including Cameron, have a band. And finally, to keep it interesting, let us also put forth the proposition that the band will practice at your house every Friday night regardless of whether you have a headache, want to practice silent meditation or need to surf the…

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To Beet Or Not To Beet?

To Beet Or Not To Beet?

It’s time to decide whether to join a community supported agriculture (CSA) for when black thumb takes root and flourishes in my little garden the way it has for, well, ever.  For all the years.  And while I assume that it’s tough being an oddsmaker in Las Vegas and Atlantic City, I can pretty much guarantee that here in my garden, it’s Black Thumb to win with Tomato Blight to place and Gardenin…

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Best. Sentence. Ever. (Lately)

Best. Sentence. Ever. (Lately)

Sometimes a sentence can change your life.  Whether from someone you admire, or a Texan, hearing the right words at the right time can make a difference.  Like the first time your mom said “Don’t stick that fork in the outlet” or “Don’t stick that fork in the toaster” or “What’s with you kids and forks?”

And then there are fragments.  Fragments are bits of a sentence that, when deftly used, can…

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What do 3285 days, Jerry Lewis, ground bees and Santa have in common? Nothing. Unless you're me. (A full-circle essay brought to you by Fresh Air and Sarcasm.)

http://wp.me/p1GQ13-RN

I didn’t eat pizza for nine years.  Mostly because it was the last thing I ate before getting the rotovirus and the vivid and colorful memory of “rotovirus + pizza” remained in my brain for 3285 days until my brain reversed itself and told me that a slightly charred crust with mushroom and eggplant is wonderful and that they have vaccines for that other thing now.

It’s kind of like how I will…

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Pickers, Pumps and Pride. (And the lack thereof.)

Pickers, Pumps and Pride (and the lack thereof)

Surely people know that if they show up for a live televised event they may end up actually appearing on TV, right?

And I’m not just talking about the folks who show up for “The Antiques Roadshow” wearing Tommy Bahama shirts and Capri pants.  Together.  With Teva sandals.  (Because they obviously don’t care about the cameras.)

Oh, PBS, there are times when I’d rather watch “Joe Bonamassa: Live…

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Dear Stephen Colbert (an homage and a plea):

Dear Stephen Colbert or shall I call you “Dreamcrusher™?”

The Boy start watching your show about three years ago and since then he has spent every waking moment wishing away years of his life so that the day when he was old enough to attend a live taping of your show would arrive and he would not only score tickets and play his guitar for you, he would also meet Jack White and ultimately become…

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*WWDLRD?

I know it’s wrong to base your life’s philosophy on a Van Halen song but sometimes you just have to jump.

Might as well.

And things turned out okay for David Lee Roth, right?

The thing about jumping is, at some point, you’re going to land.

Now before you yell at me for going to the ER with a broken toe, let me just say that I went to the ER not only because I hurt my toe, but, also, because I…

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How To Name Your Pet

I never wanted the stray cat with the chopped off tail to become ours.  Especially since I knew that other neighbors were already calling him “Lucky,” yet though those same neighbors refused to address the chopped off bloody tail so, how’s that for irony?

Which brings us to the whole going to the vet issue.

You probably didn’t think that there even wasa going to the vet issue but, as someone who…

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From the "Vicarious Traveling" Travelogue

Friends went to Sweden which means that parts of me also went to Sweden (my mind as well as my inner tall, blonde, multilingual, weirdfish-eating self).

My favorite part of the trip was returning home and attempting to incorporate the concept of “fika” into my life.  “Fika” is a daily Swedish coffee break except coffee is not required and it often lasts for over an hour.  It is time spent…

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Dear Spouse: before you met me I was a philosophy major.

Dear Spouse: before you met me I was a philosophy major.

A lawnmower that runs for only 10 minutes (or until it catches fire) is actually the universe’s way of  encouraging you to: take small moments for yourself (and spend them with gaskets and sprockets and wrenches and such); to let go of the desire to “fix this once and for all” while knowing that there can be only one once and no other once but sometimes you might have a “one night only,…

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"MACBETH" Act 4, Scene 3, Line 141*

(* “Tis hard to reconcile.”)

Spouse said the  funniest sentence.  He began with: “when you reconciled the checking account…” and that’s about all I heard.  I don’t know what he said next or what point he was trying to make because I stopped listening to him and started listening to my own brain as it began asking questions too.  Questions like: “reconcile?  Who uses a word like reconcile and…

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STOMACH BUG DELAYS POST BY ACCLAIMED WRITER

STOMACH BUG DELAYS POST BY ACCLAIMED WRITER

It’s not me.

It’s Spouse and Boy (and maybe the cat- they’re all so hairy).

As for me, I can sit at the kitchen table and discuss vomit and “The Exorcist” and all things projectile while eating a 12 cut slice of pizza.  (Side note: “All Things Projectile-” a new NPR show about rockets and drones and trebuchets and such?)

Also what is “12 cut” pizza anyway?  Do pizza makers not realize that if…

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Did you ever have a day...?

Did you ever have a day…?

Where you woke up early, and it felt like Monday but then you realized that it was actually Sunday and so you went back to sleep ignoring The Boy and his incessant drumming as well as Spouse and his incessant breathing, for two more hours?

When the Deepak Chopra book that you borrowed from the library (“What Are You Hungry For?“) fell off the nightstand and opened to page 143 which clearly…

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With apologies to James Taylor

With apologies to James Taylor

I’ve gone to Sochi, Russia in my mind.

Because sometimes living in your own head is the best neighborhood in which to live.  Case in point:

1.  You already know the strange cat lady.  (Spoiler alert: it’s you.)

2.  Also if your head happens to wind up in Beverly Hills someday, you will notice that the police all look like models with perfectly straight teeth who, as they gently guide you by the…

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Less IS More

By now we have all caught on to Kraft’s, Kellogg’s and Nestle’s little secret: that in order to…

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This is my letter to the world

Here it is almost February and I still haven’t written the letters that needed to go out in 2013. …

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