idk

not a bot 22 | she/her multifandom

[penandinkprincess]

it's important to me that shane can't keep house plants alive for SHIT.

his apartment is death row when it comes to plants.

he read years ago about plants being good for mental wellness and air quality, and he wants that!! that sounds like a great way to optimize a house!! plants!! cleaning the air and also doing *something* for mental health that he can't quite recall but fully believes.

AND YET.

he has read blogs. he has picked out easy care plants. he has bought special fertilizers and watering devices. he even bought a fucking grow light. he has ticked ALL the fucking boxes!! by ALL metrics!! he should be so good at Having House Plants!!

and motherfucking YET!!!

[penandinkprincess]

counterpoint: he bought the ones with "easy house plant!" tags and is then too embarassed at easy plants beating him so he just has to try again so no one will know his shame

[ryugarika]

Shane loves green things. Loves leaves rustling in the wind. Loves how soothing it is to just be out in nature.

So of course he spends most of his days inside. Inside gyms. Inside rinks. Inside conference rooms. Inside all kinds of stuffy rooms full of terrible lights and an abhorrent air quality probably too.

So when he reads an article on how plants improve air quality and also do great things for your mental health he orders a bunch of them online. There was a "beginners package" that looked nice. The XL variety so that he doesn't just have 3 random plants looking out of place. A mix of big and small plants that promises to be cohesive and simple to maintain. Next day delivery and a bunch of plant pots that were made out of 100% recycled plastic.

He spends the next day happily mixing and matching plants with pots and reading their care labels intently. Some of them get put right next to his windows - direct sunlight. And others find spots on various counters where the light meter he also bought tells him is the perfect indirect sunlight.

The expensive bottle of plant food gets stored in a cool dark place to be used in 2 weeks, since the plants were given fertiliser at the nursery already. It's going to be great. His apartment looks so much more lived in. So comfy.

It reminds him of the cottage.

For the next week's he follows the care label instructions to the fucking letter. One drop plants get small amounts of water. Three drop plants get much more. And he has a special only for plant food teaspoon to measure out the absolute perfect amount of liquid feed per watering can.

It's going great.

He's amazing at this.

And then... Then they start dying. One yellowing leaf at a time he sinks into despair.

Switching the food does nothing.

Playing classical music is useless!

Moving the plants to different spots around the home doesn't save a single one of them.

At first he cuts the yellow leaves off and the rest of the plant still looks OK. Then he hides the worst of them when the cleaners come by. He's going to fix it. He can do this. He's Shane Hollander for God's sake!

One by one they end up in the trash. Sometimes he replaces them with a new identical victim, but most of the empty plant pots get thrown out or handed off as gifts to Hayden.

The last straggler is a single spider plant that has managed to hang on against all odds. It has lost and regained leaves and has looked close to death since week 3 and Shane is sure the plant is alive despite his care instead of because of it but he refuses to give up on the thing.

Ilya comments on it at one point. Fingering a limp, semi yellow leaf with a frown. Asks Shane if he shouldn't throw it out and get a healthy plant, and Shane shuts that shit *down* because that is his plant. That's his buddy. The one who refused to give up!

That plant is a fighter!

Proof that not *everything* he touches dies.

That plant is Hope!

Ilya stares at him like he's lost his mind, and maybe he has, but he pats Shane's shoulder and doesn't bring it up again.

[penandinkprincess]

the idea of ilya finding this oddly reassuring because it shows that shane doesn't just give up when things are bad.

almost anyone else would have called it and quit out of frustration, but shane cares about this plant so DAMN IT they are in this until there is not a scrap of green left. he is NOT quitting on this sad ass plant. love is a noun, but it also a verb, motherfucker.

[willgrahamscock]

if you see me liking contradicting headcanons for the same character just know it's because I do not give a fuck and I have an active imagination #hewouldsaythat

[willgrahamscock]

sometimes it’s not about ‘would he say that or do that’ it’s more like that would be hilarious if he did because I have a jester’s heart

[scartafacci]

obsessed with the idea of shane taking up knitting and crocheting as a way to relax, and getting photographed while he works on a new piece like tom daley during the olympics.

and maybe the metros give him shit for it at first, especially when they see those pics on the internet, but shane’s like it was suggested to me by the team physician and it’s relaxing and relieves stress so i really don’t care.

obviously he needs to be Great at it, but he also realizes he really likes it, and soon he’s knitting and crocheting whenever he has some free time and he’s making more items than he can wear.

and then he starts selling them online under a pseudonym because he wants to know what people think about them; that is, until he tells yuna about his secret website and she’s like i hope you’re kidding do you know how much those True Hollander Knits could be worth and how many brands would want a collab?! and shane hid his identity because he wanted people to buy his clothes for what they were, not because they were made by the Shane Hollander, but he thinks it would be nice to own what he makes too and to let people know he has other talents and skills besides hockey. so he starts selling them under his own name and he’s so happy every time someone leaves him a five-star rating and compliments him. he’s also giving handmade beanies and accessories to friends and family and he’s making onesies and scarves for hayden’s kids just because he really loves making them.

then one evening over dinner yuna tells him and david how someone named John America has just placed their biggest order yet, having bought virtually everything on shane’s website, so yuna and her assistant (because she had to hire one in the meantime), will have to ship it the next day to the buyer’s address in boston.

shane always checks the comments people leave with their purchases, and the latest one he gets, a few days later, reads: “very good clothes, i like them a lot. maybe hollander should follow his true real passion and retire from hockey since ilya rozanov from the boston raiders is clearly superior player anyway. great seller and customer service also 10/10 i recommend everyone buys everything immediately. you will receive a card signed by him in person in case you should want to get tattoo from it somewhere secret on your body but that is neither here nor there and definitely not something i plan to do.” the comment kind of irks shane in a Very Specific way but maybe john america from boston is simply a raiders’ fan (and also some kind of sick pervert apparently, but shane doesn’t really mind those.)

fast forward to the cottage, it’s their first day there and ilya is getting a few things out of his bag when shane sees a cardigan that looks very familiar. he asks ilya where he got it and ilya is like, is just something i ordered online don’t worry about it. but shane picks it up and he’s like, oh my god you bought something i’ve made (!!) and you didn’t tell me?? what (!!) and ilya’s all embarrassed and he’s like, i bought like two thousand things you’ve made yes. they are so very unstylish is hell for me. and shane is like omg i can’t believe this (and he’s happier than ever) and ilya’s like, “well if you had given them to me as gift i would have saved money but i have made you rich instead. i cannot believe you have given hayden a sweater when that guy does not even deserve clothes.” (and ilya doesn’t tell shane just how jealous he was whenever he looked at pictures of hayden just walking around in montreal wearing clothes shane had made because hayden could.)

and the thing is, shane has actually wanted to make something just for ilya for a very long time, but he wouldn’t have known how to justify it because it would have been too intimate (even though he has literally given his creations to every one of his friends and acquaintances at some point), but they’re at the cottage now and they’re happy and they’re opening up about their feelings so shane can definitely do that now, so he goes, “tell me what ‘stylish’ clothes you want and i’ll make them for you.” and ilya asks for a sweater with the words NHL BEST PLAYER on it, and shane goes, “sorry, i don’t crochet lies.” they argue about it for a while until the whole thing turns into sex.

in the late afternoons at the cottage, ilya swims while shane watches him and knits. ilya thinks the way they’re spending their days is the most boring thing ever, and maybe also a glimpse into their future as an eighty-year old couple and every age in-between. he hopes he’ll be lucky enough to see it.

[daffodilsonaprettystring]

Don’t hide this shit in the tags

[whitenoisefanfiction]

Concept:

Yuna Hollander is actually a member of the Japanese Imperial Family. For context, the Japanese Royal line is strictly male only so no women can inherit the throne and any females of the family who marry normal people, have to give up their titles. (Princess Mako famously did this in real life)

So what if Yuna was a Japanese princess?

She went to McGill as a foreign exchange student to study in a place where she could have a few years as a normal person before starting royal duties but fell for the handsome hockey player David while there. Since she is a woman, she isn't going to inherit and although she only has sisters, one of them can have a son to carry the bloodline so she decided to give up her place in the family to marry David and become a commoner.

She is perfectly happy with this outcome and makes a life for herself in Canada. She and David have Shane and although they did occasionally visit some members of her family when Shane was small so Shane could meet his granddad (who happens to be the Emperor), because she gave up her claim, Shane is also technically excluded from the throne and the visits were so low key that people outside Japan forgot she even existed.

Besides, they stopped visiting after a while because Shane's hockey career was taking off.

Unfortunately, the Japanese Imperial Family is facing a succession crisis due to the lack of males in the family line, and inside Japan, Shane is starting to look like a good candidate for the next Crown Prince.

Shane, and the wider Western World, have no idea about any of this. Ilya eventually learns and almost loses his mind.

(Anyone feel free to add to this)

[whitenoisefanfiction]

Expanding on my own thoughts, so here we go.

Shane doesn't understand just how important his family is. Yuna is the oldest daughter of the Emperor but since she became a commoner to marry David, the media and people agreed to leave her alone and in Japan, that wish is respected so Yuna and Shane are not approached by the general public.

Obviously, she bought Shane to meet his family when he was a baby but with the commoner status, they couldn't take part in anything in any ceremonial capacity, so it was all just meetings in private, where everything was more normal. Still very formal but Shane, brought up in a western culture and only seeing this part of his Asian heritage, thinks its normal and he knows that his family was important but not that important.

Shane adores his grandfather and was spoilt rotten whenever he came to Japan and some people even referred to him as a Prince, but it was never taken seriously. Back in Canada, with his anglicized name and habits, it didn't even register to him that he was being treated differently. He is fluent in Japanese but since English and French are the languages of his home, he never paid attention to the honorifics being said to him when he was in Japan. It also helps that he has a Japanese name as well so many people don't connect the Japanese Royal with a white bread name like Shane. Yuna and David, while not keeping things from him, didn't advertise it as they didn't want Shane growing up with an ego or being resentful because he was not in the line to inherit.

As he grew, Shane stopped going to Japan often and although he talked to his Grandparents, aunts and cousins over the phone, he didn't see them in person anymore.

All plans to go back to Japan went out the window when he began preparing for the Prospect Cup, since he was balancing Schoolwork with the possibility of getting drafted (although he does remember one call with his grandfather who told him if Shane wanted to join the AIHL, he had contacts. It didn't occur to Shane at the time that it was odd his grandfather basically offered to get him into the Asian League)

After Shane got drafted, he did plan one trip during his rookie season but it fell apart before he could go. One of his aunts and his cousins came to Canada and America and he did plan to catch up with them but had to pull out due to being on the road for a game (He was a bit annoyed they didn't offer to change the date of their meeting, not realising that it was a state visit and those can't just be changed at random)

After that, a lot of his down time was taken up with growing his career and his friendships with Hayden and JJ (and later, with Ilya) He manages some video calls now since his grandfather is very tech savvy and his parents still go to Japan occasionally and when they do, they bring him back lavish gifts from his grandparents and aunts.

These gifts are so expensive that one time, he showed something he got to JJ and the Pikes and JJ asked if Shane was sure his grandfather wasn't in the Yakuza. It was a joke but Shane definitely put two and two together and got the completely wrong number. He remembered his grandfather's offer to get him into the AIHL and it gives Shane mixed feelings but he eventually decides plausible deniability is the best. If his family is involved in organise crime, he doesn't want to know. So he ignores it.

Things do get a little weird during the Sochi Olympics, especially when Canada vs. Japan. The Japanese players are very weird around Shane, especially when he introduces himself to them using his Japanese name (sans Title) as a gesture of good will, but Shane had chalked it up to the team being nervous to represent their country and if they insisted on bowing to him and avoiding eye contact, well, maybe his reputation as one of the best players managed to make it to Asia.

Sometimes he is approached in the streets of Montreal by Japanese tourists, but he just assumed they were fans of hockey, even if they acted confused when he offered them his autograph.

Eventually he and Ilya are outed and Shane calls his grandfather to tell him. His grandfather is upset and Shane thinks he will have to cut off contact but eventually, dear old granddad comes around (After Yuna has words with her father) What Shane doesn't know is none of his aunts had managed to produce a son meaning there is no heir for two generations and in Japan, there is a lot of talk about him. Some people want him placed back in the line of succession while others hate that he is a half white foreigner.

Even his grandfather is reassessing Shane's position in the family and him being gay is a possible problem. So his relationship with Ilya, even if he doesn't realise it, could be seen as an issue for the future. But his granddad is reasonable and doesn't want to destroy his relationship with Shane over something that might not happen. He even sends a really nice gift for the wedding.

After Shane and Ilya marry and he joins the Centaurs and they win their first Stanley Cup together, the MLH agrees to a Show Game against the AIHL. Since a Japanese team won the Asian League that year, they invited the Centaurs to Tokyo for a match between the two winning teams.

Shane hasn't seen his family in person since he was a kid, he decides he should visit while he is there. Ilya can come with him or join the rest of the Centaurs going to Disney after the game because Shane isn't certain Ilya would enjoy the formal, stuffy atmosphere he remembers from his childhood. Ilya is 1000% down to join Shane because he has also heard the Yakuza rumour from Hayden and Jackie. He is not letting Shane walk into that alone.

They travel to Japan and are surprised to learn the whole team is being housed in a grand hotel paid for by, they assume, the AIHL, and Shane and Ilya have been given the most expensive penthouse (Shane assumes they got the room because Ilya is the Captain and Shane is just there as a perc of being his husband and built in roommate)

Game day begins and the stadium is packed. It seems the whole of Tokyo came out to watch. (Shane doesn't know it but rumours the beloved Emperor's commoner grandson is playing has spread and everyone wants to see him. It's the only way they can satisfy their curiosity about him without breaching the unspoken rule to leave him alone) Shane just wants to show everyone his skills and then they can enjoy the impromptu holiday for a few days before Shane goes to visit his family.

He is surprised when it's announced to the Centaurs that the Emperor of Japan has come to watch the game.

He just about has a heart attack when he skates onto the ice and looks up to the Royal Box to see his grandfather, aunts and cousins sitting there, watching him.

And that's how Shane discovers he is a member of the oldest monarchy in existance.

Guessing this would happen, Yuna is very prepared for Shane's irate phone call and David has to talk Ilya down from a panic attack because he's been there and it's not that bad really. The in-laws are actually nice, if a little strict.

After Ilya recovers, he and the rest of the Centaurs have prime teasing material for Shane for not realising who his family is. They also have bragging rights because they have a legit Prince on their team and 'screw you, Metros, you threw away actual Royality'

(Also, Ilya manages to win over all of Shane's family during their later meeting and now brags that he is the favourite of the Emperor of Japan.)

[urfavhatesterfs]

YOU hates terfs

[switchingtogeico]

[captainhaterade]

[stankpasta]

rb if u hates terfs

[official-pussy-posts-2]

Official ‘terfs get out of my house’ Post

[penandinkprincess]

corn snakes can live 15-25 years in captivity if they're well cared for, and now im thinking about ilya meeting spaghetti the snake. quick search says 2hr car travel is doable for a snake so I could see shane taking it with him to the cottage and this is where ilya first meets spaghetti in my mind. crucially shane never really told ilya about spaghetti so he finds out after they fuck. (bonus points if ilya finds the frozen rodents before he sees spaghetti. "hollander what the fuck do you have frozen mice for?????")

the idea of shane having a separate small fridge in the garage where he keeps frozen mice for spaghetti, but this means when ilya asks about it in passing while shane is looking for water shoes, he's distracted and just goes, "oh, drinks and spaghetti" and ilya just ??? you have?? freezer just for pasta????? actually no this sounds like a Rule you would make yeah sure why not.

but on day three they're napping on the deck, ilya wakes first, decides to get something to eat, and remembers there is A Spaghetti Freezer, and opens it to find??? fucking frozen mice?? oh my god he is out in the wild with a canadian serial killer????

[penandinkprincess]

significantly, ilya is on the yuna end of the spectrum when it comes to spaghetti. he'll tough it out because he doesn't want to look like a chicken and also it's clear that shane really loves this snake (for WHAT reason, hollander. is a snake.), but he and spaghetti live in a system of mutual avoidance. ilya doesn't go in spaghetti's room. spaghetti doesn't roam from shane's person when he's out. under such conditions is peace achieved.

[junkdrawertales]

If Spaghetti ever touched Ilya he would immediately become ilya's one-sided best friend because Ilya has soft, warm skin that Spaghetti would LOVE to sit on. Shane takes him out to clean his massive 120-gallon bioactive enclosure and add in some more springtail isopods (they help break down leaf litter. ilya thinks they're creepy orange nightmare sprinkles) so he says "babe would you please please please hold Spaghetti? It's only for a couple minutes while I wipe down the glass." Ilya can't deny him anything, so he musters up his courage and holds out his hands.

Spaghetti is all curled up and a little stressed out, since Shane so rudely removed him from his favorite piece of bark. But hey, this is nice and warm, and oooh, wow, that's a cave! Spaghetti likes caves.

In less than three seconds Spaghetti has slithered inside Ilya's sleeve. He is standing very still. There is a snake slowly wriggling over his armpit and he is not going to scream because he is So Incredibly Manly. The snake has flickered its tongue over Ilya's chest. He can feel its tiny snake nose poking around his nipple. If this snake bites his nipple he will make Shane sleep on the couch.

The snake climbs up to Ilya's neck and settles in a squiggly-shape on his shoulder, with its head peeking out of his collar. Shane turns around to put the disinfectant bottle away and pauses.

"Awww!" he coos. "You look so cozy!"

"Yes, he is very cozy." Ilya says. His voice is a little high-pitched. "Maybe he should go back now. We interrupted his nap."

"Oh, it's fine for him to be out a little longer," Shane says. "You're warm, he likes you."

"Well, it was rude to disturb him. Probably we should let him rest." Ilya says, trying to dislodge the invader from his shirt. Fucker. It's a good shirt and now he's stretching it out trying to evict a reptile. The things he does for love.

Shane takes pity on him and scoops Spaghetti out of Ilya's collar, then drapes him over a plant and shuts the enclosure door.

"You were very brave, babe." he tells Ilya, and kisses his cheek.

"I was not scared. I am very strong, very cool hockey player. It takes more than a little animal to scare me." Ilya lies.

"Sure, babe."

[penandinkprincess]

the idea of this corn snake chilling in the equivalent of a snake mansion is KILLING ME. there are children with less space and enrichment than spaghetti.

also shane at 18 was still making an impression on his team in montreal and knew by then that "hey, i have a snake" gets side eyes he doesn't necessarily want, so only hayden knows about spaghetti on the montreal team, but after he's on the ottawa team, spaghetti comes up because ilya needs someone to understand his pain, and it becomes a superstition that if spaghetti eats his mouse no problem, then they have good luck for the next 10-14 days until he eats again. shane literally get @'d if the team knows it's Spaghetti Feeding Day and he doesn't report in of his own accord.

ilya HATES this superstition. it's not enough that the snake lives in the same house as him where he lays his sweet head each night. now spaghetti is even in the groupchat. he gets ASKED about SPAGHETTI THE SNAKE at his JOB!!!! he has SUFFERED!! more than JESUS!!!

meanwhile yuna is happy to have her son back in the same city as her but also experiencing all of the stages of grief that she may be asked to look in on this snake when shane and ilya are traveling. she has had YEARS of getting to forget about spaghetti. and now. he returns. spaghetti is her personal ouroboros. she can never escape. spaghetti is eternal.

[deadpowol]

[tahthetrickster]

[advice-to-a-discarded-gay-boy]

It would be so damn hilarious if after Shane and Ilya figured their shit out in the cottage and finally admit that they love each other and want to build a life together, instead of trying to develop a friendship in the public eye, they just redefine the meaning of a rivalry.

Imagine Ilya stays in Boston, so the rivalry is still going full strength, but through interviews people slowly start to realise that these two are even more unhinged about each other than previously thought, like toxic soulmates unhinged.

Shane is doing an interview in his house, maybe because however much he tries to deny it he does have both real estate and voyeurism kinks, and this is a way to subtly exercise those while showing off for his boyfriend, and midway through the interview the door just opens and Ilya walks halfway in before realizing there is an entire fucking camera crew in the living room. And they prepared for this because it is Shane and Ilya who are both hyper competent planners who have had to manage massive secrets for years.

So Shane just kind of yells out, “I told you not to break into my house this afternoon Rozanov, I’m in the middle of something.”

And Ilya just calls back while walking out, “Sorry, I will come back later, have fun being boring with your weak backhand.”

When the interviewer asks about it, Shane just says, completely deadpan, “of course Rozanov has the code to my house, and will sometimes just randomly walk in, he’s my rival.” And leaves it at that.

Of course, the internet goes absolutely feral, but this alone cannot prove anything; however, the flames are further fanned in Ilya’s next interview.

It’s one of those what’s in your bag interviews, but about his gear bag that he brings to every game, and notably, he has two rolls of stick tape. This in and of itself is not unusual, but what is strange is that they are two different brands with completely different feels to them. This strikes everyone as extremely odd knowing how superstitious hockey players are, what could Rozanov possibly be doing with two completely different brands of tape.

In response, Ilya says, “One of them is for me and other is the brand Hollander uses. I keep a spare in my bag.”

“Why do you keep your rival’s tape in your gear bag.”

“Because Hollander is very particular, and I want to make sure that when I am playing against him, he is at his best, and to be at his best he needs to have right tape. He is my rival, it is my responsibility to make sure we are both performing to best of our ability.”

This just sets off another bomb on the internet.

It was one thing for them to have the codes to each other’s houses, maybe they go in and mess with their stuff, that can be explained by a rivalry, but Ilya just admitted on air that he goes out of his way to support Shane and make sure he is comfortable. What the hell is going on between these two?

It continues like this, getting progressively more unhinged as more and more gets revealed. It comes out that Shane is learning Russian, and he admits it is for Ilya, but kind of plays it off as chirping while also stating that he has seen how difficult it can be for someone with a language barrier to answer questions in a high stress environment, and he wants to make sure his rival can understand and is always understood, because that’s his rival.

It comes out that Ilya is close to Shane’s parents, and of course he is close to Hollander’s family, that’s his rival.

They share custody of a dog named Anya no one knew existed, of course they do, they’re rivals.

They admit they are each others’ emergency contacts, why wouldn’t they be, they’re rivals.

There are any many number of funny ways this could eventually resolve itself, but I personally would love if they kept it going long enough where they got to a point where both of their contracts expired (Ilya took out a shorter contract when resigning with Boston,) and they both up and leave to go join Ottawa.

Everyone is stunned. What the fuck just happened? What do you mean they are playing on the same team? What do you mean they just broke the damn game? What do you mean they have been seen together around Ottawa? What do you mean they live together? What do you mean they were seen together at a COURTHOUSE?!

Of course they were, they’re rivals.

[solarmane]

new fanfic writer who has marked their work completed ao3 only to leave a note at the end saying: thanks for all the support guys if you want to read the rest of the fic subscribe to my patreon :)

me, an elder fandom veteran, suddenly having anne rice flashbacks:

no.

NO.

starting to rock back and fourth.

you do not understand.

you were born into an age of peace. i was there Gandalf. i was there three thousand years ago. i remember the cease and desists. i remember authors hunting fanfic writers for sport. i remember when every fic opened with a disclaimer because we genuinely thought it might protect us.

we do not charge money for the copyrighted gay wizard stories.

do not tempt fate youngling.

step away from the paywall.

that is how you summon the ancient evils.

that is how you wake the lawyers.

[odins-price]

Remember people, this is against AO3s terms of service. If you see a fic that does this REPORT THAT THING!!! These people may not know better or they might, but them doing this has the potential to ruin things for everyone.

[peppermintquartz]

Tell the writer to read the TOS. Writers absolutely CANNOT ask for payment in exchange for fanfic. If they won't take it down ASAP, report it to AO3.

[shinraalpha]

i do think lobbying for data centres over climate goals should be considered a crime against humanity btw

[jewelcoatfish]

hollanov taking an after game interview together because of plot convenience reasons and ilya was chirping the opposing team about their first line points per game being barely scraping 0.4 when shane tapped his arm lightly and ilya leaned towards him. all the reporters perk up because omg are we gonna see shane hollander disciplining ilya rozanov live???? this is TEA. and ilya just nodded and said

“apologies, my husband wanted to correct that their first line pgp was 0.34. which was more pathetic than i originally assumed.”

[raincitygirl76]

There will be a widespread assumption that Shane will slot into the marriage of the hockey husbands as a “nagging wife” stereotype. Policing Ilya’s public behaviour.

What everybody fails to realize is that Ilya has always been like this, and Shane married him anyway. As far as Shane is concerned, Ilya’s continual public chirping of the opposition isn’t a bug, it’s a feature.

And while Shane has always presented himself as a blandly perfect role model, he’s also always been bitchy and judgmental about less talented players. It’s just that prior to now, he’s said all those things behind closed doors. Now that he’s been outed and his golden boy reputation has been torched, Shane can use his outside voice to say what he really thinks.

Eventually people figure out that openly hilarious chaotic asshole Ilya Rozanov and secretly hilarious media trained asshole Shane Hollander are actually perfect for each other. They not only match each other’s freak, they also match each other’s level of judgment about substandard hockey players.

[raincitygirl76]

And also some great comments, starting with @nanichick5

Then we have @isuckattechnology and @gooseburnongriverforest

Next up @xiaheavenn and @noseboopz

And finally @nightmarerodent

[moxiepoxart]

Pls I need more team natsu art 😞

No clue who they are…anyway

[writing-prompt-s]

An old and homely grandmother accidentally summons a demon. She mistakes him for her gothic-phase teenage grandson and takes care of him. The demon decides to stay at his new home.

[eatbreathewrite]

It isn’t uncommon for this particular demon to be summoned—from exhausting Halloween party pranks in abandoned barns to more legitimate (more exhausting) ceremonies in forests—but it has to admit, this is the first time it’s been called forth from its realm into a claustrophobic living room bathed in the dull orange-pink glow of old glass lamps and a multitude of wide-eyed, creepy antique porcelain dolls that could give Chucky a run for his money with all of their silent, seething stares combined. Accompanying those oddities are tea cup and saucer sets on shelves atop frilly doilies crocheted with the utmost care, and cross-stitched, colorful ‘Home Sweet Home’s hung across the wood-paneled walls.

It’s a mistake—a wrong number, per se. No witch it’s ever known has lived in such an, ah, dated, home. Furthermore, no practitioner that ever summoned it has been absent, as if they’d up and ding-dong ditched it. No, it didn’t work that way. Not at all. Not if they want to survive the encounter.

It hears the clinking of movement in the room adjacent—the kitchen, going by the pungent, bitter scent of cooled coffee and soggy, sweet sponge cakes, but more jarring is the smell of blood. It moves—feels something slip beneath its clawed foot as it does, and sees a crocheted blanket of whites and greys and deep black yarn, wound intricately, perfectly, into a summoning circle. Its summoning circle. There is a small splash of bright scarlet and sharp, jagged bits of a broken curio scattered on top, as if someone had dropped it, attempted to pick it up the pieces and pricked their finger. It would explain the blood. And it would explain the demon being brought into this strange place.

As it connects these pieces in its mind, the inhabitant of the house rounds the corner and exits the kitchen, holding a damp, white dish towel close to her hand and fumbling with the beaded bifocals hanging from her neck by a crocheted lanyard before stopping dead in her tracks.

Now, to be fair, the demon wouldn’t ordinarily second guess being face-to-face with a hunchbacked crone with a beaked nose, beady eyes and a peculiar lack of teeth, or a spidery shawl and ankle-length black dress, but there is definitely something amiss here. Especially when the old biddy lets her spectacles fall slack on her bosom and erupts into a wide, toothy (toothless) grin, eyes squinting and crinkling from the sheer effort of it.

“Todd! Todd, dear, I didn’t know you were visiting this year! You didn’t call, you didn’t write—but, oh, I’m so happy you’re here, dear! Would it have been too much to ask you to ring the doorbell? I almost had a heart attack. And don’t worry about the blood, here—I had an accident. My favorite figure toppled off of the table and cleanup didn’t go as expected. But I seem to recall you are quite into the bloodshed and ‘edgy’ stuff these days, so I don’t suppose you mind.” She releases a hearty, kind laugh, but it isn’t mocking, it’s sweet. Grandmotherly. The demon is by no means sentimental or maudlin, but the kindness, the familiarity, the genuine fondness, does pull a few dusty old nostalgic heartstrings. “Imagine if it leaves a scar! It’d be a bit ‘badass,’ as you teenagers say, wouldn’t it?”

She is as blind as a bat without her glasses, it would appear, because the demon is by no means a ‘Todd’ or a human at all, though humanoid, shrouded in sleek, black skin and hard spikes and sharp claws. But the demon humors her, if only because it had been caught off guard.

The old woman smiles still, before turning on her heel and shuffling into the hallway with a stiff gait revealing a poor hip. “Be a dear and make some more coffee, would you please? I’ll be back in a jiffy.”

Yes, this is most definitely a mistake. One for the record books, for certain. For late-night trips to bars and conversations with colleagues, while others discuss how many souls they’d swindled in exchange for peanuts, or how many first-borns they’d been pledged for things idiot humans could have gained without divine intervention. Ugh. Sometimes it all just became so pedantic that little detours like this were a blessing—happy accidents, as the humans would say.

That’s why the demon does as asked, and plods slowly into the kitchen, careful to duck low and avoid the top of the doorframe. That’s why it gingerly takes the small glass pot and empties it of old, stale coffee and carefully, so carefully, takes a measuring scoop between its claws and fills the machine with fresh grounds. It’s as the hot water is percolating that the old woman returns, her index finger wrapped tight in a series of beige bandages.

“I’m surprised you’re so tall, Todd! I haven’t seen you since you were at my hip! But your mother mails photos all the time—you do love wearing all black, don’t you?” She takes a seat at the small round table in the corner and taps the glass lid of the cake plate with quaking, unsteady, aged hands. “I was starting to think you’d never visit. Your father and I have had our disagreements, but…I am glad you’re here, dear. Would you like some cake?” Before the demon has a chance to decline, she lifts the lid and cuts a generous slice from the near-complete circle that has scarcely been touched. It smells of citrus and cream and is, as assumed earlier, soggy, oversaturated with icing.

It was made for a special occasion, for guests, but it doesn’t seem this old woman receives much company in this musty, stagnant house that smells like an antique garage that hadn’t had its dust stirred in years.

Especially not from her absentee grandson, Todd.

The demon waits until the coffee pot is full, and takes two small mugs from the counter, filling them until steam is frothing over the rims. Then, and only then, does it accept the cake and sit, with some difficulty, in a small chair at the small table. It warbles out a polite ‘thank you,’ but it doesn’t suppose the woman understands. Manners are manners regardless.

“Oh, dear, I can hardly understand. Your voice has gotten so deep, just like your grandfather’s was. That, and I do recall you have an affinity for that gravelly, screaming music. Did your voice get strained? It’s alright, dear, I’ll do the talking. You just rest up. The coffee will help soothe.”

The demon merely nods—some communication can be understood without fail—and drinks the coffee and eats the cake with a too-small fork. It’s ordinary, mushy, but delicious because of the intent behind it and the love that must have gone into its creation.

“I hope you enjoyed all of the presents I sent you. You never write back—but I am aware most people use that fancy E-mail these days. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I do wish your mom and dad would visit sometime. I know of a wonderful little café down the street we can go to. I haven’t been; I wanted to visit it with Charles, before he…well.” She falls silent in her rambling, staring into her coffee with a small, melancholy smile. “I can’t believe it’s been ten years. You never had the chance to meet him. But never mind that.” Suddenly, and with surprising speed that has the demon concerned for her well being, she moves to her feet, bracing her hands on the edge of the table. “I may as well give you your birthday present, since you’re here. What timing! I only finished it this morning. I’ll be right back.”

When she returns, the white, grey and black crocheted work with the summoning circle is bundled in her arms.  

“I found these designs in an occult book I borrowed from the library. I thought you’d like them on a nice, warm blanket to fight off the winter chill—I hope you do like it.” With gentle hands, she spreads the blanket over the demon’s broad, spiky back like a shawl, smoothing it over craggy shoulders and patting its arms affectionately. “Happy birthday, Todd, dear.”

Well, that settles it. Whoever, wherever, Todd is, he’s clearly missing out. The demon will just have to be her grandson from now on.

[voidbat]

this is so sweet. it made me want to hug someone.

[bigmammallama5]

i had to

[geniusorinsanity]

I WOULD WATCH SIX SEASONS AND A MOVIE

[rocky-horror-shit-show]

Okay but she takes him to the little cafe and all of the people in her town are like “What is that thing, what the hell, Anette?” and she’s like “Don’t you remember my grandson Todd?” and the entire town just has to play along because no one will tell little old Nettie that her grandson is an actual demon because this is the happiest she’s been since her husband died.

Bonus: In season 4 she makes him run for mayor and he wins

[silvermoonphantom]

I just want to watch ‘Todd’ help her with groceries, and help her with cooking, and help her clean up the dust around the house and air it out, and fill it with spring flowers because Anette mentioned she loved hyacinth and daffodils.   Over the seasons her eyesight worsens, so ‘Todd’ brings a hellhound into the house to act as her seeing eye dog, and people in town are kinda terrified of this massive black brute with fur that drips like thick oil, and a mouth that can open all the way back to its chest, but ‘Honey’ likes her hard candies, and doesn’t get oil on the carpet, and when ‘Todd’ has to go back to Hell for errands, Honey will snuggle up to Anette and rest his giant head on her lap, and whuff at her pockets for butterscotch.  Anette never gives ‘Todd’ her soul, but she gives him her heart

[wickedwitchofthewifi-deactivate]

In season six, Anette gets sick. She spends most of the season bedridden and it becomes obvious by about midway through the season that she’s not going to make it to the end of the season. Todd spends the season travelling back and forth between the human realm and his home plane, trying hard to find something, anything that will help Anette get better, to prolong her life. He’s tried getting her to sell him her soul, but she’s just laughed, told him that he shouldn’t talk like that. With only a few episodes left in the season Anette passes away, Todd is by her side. When the reaper comes for her Todd asks about the fate of her soul. In a dispassionate voice the reaper informs Todd that Anette spent the last few years of her life cavorting with creatures of darkness, that there can be only one fate for her. Todd refuses to accept this and he fights the reaper, eventually injuring the creature and driving it off. Knowing that Anette cannot stay in the Human Realm, and refusing to allow her spirit to be taken by another reaper, so he takes her soul in his arms. He’s done this before, when mortals have sold themselves to him. This time the soul cradled against his chest does not snuggle and fight. This time the soul held tight against him reaches out, pats him on the cheek tells him he was a good boy, and so handsome, just like his grandfather.  Todd takes Anette back to the demon realm, holding her tight against him as he travels across the bleak and forebidding landscape; such a sharp contrast to the rosy warmth of Anette’s home. Eventually, in a far corner of his home plane, Todd finds what he is looking for. It is a place where other demons do not tread; a large boulder cracked and broken, with a gap just barely large enough for Todd to fit through. This crack, of all things, gives him pause, but Anette’s soul makes a comment about needing to get home in time to feed Honey, and Todd forces himself to pass through it. He travels in darkness for a while, before he emerges into into a light so bright that it’s blinding. His eyes adjust slowly, and he finds himself face to face with two creatures, each of them at least twice his size one of them has six wings and the head of a lion, one of them is an amorphous creature within several rings. The lion-headed one snarls at Todd, and demands that he turn back, that he has no business here.  Todd looks down, holding Anette’s soul against his chest, he takes a deep breath, and speaks a single word, “Please.” The two larger beings are taken aback by this. They are too used to Todd’s kind being belligerent, they consult with each other, they argue. The amorphous one seems to want to be lenient, the lion-headed one insists on being stricter. While they’re arguing Todd sneaks by them and runs as fast as he can, deeper into the brightly lit expanse. The path on which he travels begins to slope upwards, and eventually becomes a staircase. It becomes evident that each step further up the stair is more and more difficult for Todd, that it’s physically paining him to climb these stairs, but he keeps going.

They dedicate a full episode to this climb; interspersing the climb with scenes they weren’t able to show in previous seasons, Anette and Honey coming to visit Todd in the Mayor’s office, Anette and Todd playing bingo together for the first time, Anette and Todd watching their stories together in the mid afternoon, Anette falling asleep in her chair and Todd gently carrying her to bed. Anette making Todd lemonade in the summer while he’s up on the roof fixing that leak and cleaning out the rain gutters. Eventually Todd reaches the top, and all but collapses, he falls to a knee and for the first time his grip on Anette’s soul slips, and she falls away from him. Landing on the ground. He reaches out for her, but someone gets there first. Another hand reaches out, and helps this elderly woman off the ground, helps her get to her feet. Anette gasps, it’s Charles. The pair of them throw their arms around each other. Anette tells Charles that she’s missed him so much, and she has so much to tell him. Charles nods. Todd watches a soft smile on his face. A delicate hand touches Todd’s shoulder, and pulls him easily to his feet. A figure; we never see exactly what it looks like, leans down, whispering in Todd’s ear that he’s done well, and that Anette will be well taken care of here. That she will spend an eternity with her loved ones. Todd looks back over to her, she’s surrounded by a sea of people. Todd nods, and smiles. The figure behind him tells him that while he has done good in bringing Anette here, this is not his place, and he must leave. Todd nods, he knew this would be the case. Todd gets about six steps down the stairway before he is stopped by someone grabbing his shoulder again. He turns around, and Anette is standing behind him. She gives him a big hug and leads him back up the stairs, he should stay, she says. Get to know the family. Todd tries to tell her that he can’t stay, but she won’t hear it. She leads him up into the crowd of people and begins introducing him to long dead relatives of hers, all of whom give him skeptical looks when she introduces him as her grandson. The mysterious figure appears next to Todd again and tells him once more he must leave, Todd opens his mouth to answer but Anette cuts him off. Nonsense, she tells the figure. IF she’s gonna stay here forever her grandson will be welcome to visit her. She and the figure stare at each other for a moment. The figure eventually sighs and looks away, the figure asks Todd if she’s always like this. Todd just shrugs and smiles, allowing Anette to lead him through a pair of pearly gates, she’s already talking about how much cake they’ll need to feed all of these relatives. 

[captaintinymite]

[gilajames]

P.S. Honey is a Good Dog and gets to go, too.

[kaijufluffs]

[jumpingjacktrash]

the last lines of the show:

demon: you’re not blind here – but you’re not surprised. when…?

anette: oh, toddy, don’t be silly, my biological grandson’s not twelve feet tall and doesn’t scorch the furniture when he sneezes. i’ve known for ages.

demon: then why?

anette: you wouldn’t have stayed if you weren’t lonely too.

demon: you… you don’t have to keep calling me your grandson.

anette: nonsense! adopted children are just as real. now quit sniffling, you silly boy, and let’s go bake a cake. honey, heel!

honey: W̝̽̂̿͂͝Ọ̮̹̲̪̋ͦͅO̸̘͔̬͊F̜̫͙̟͕͖̙̋ͫ͌͗

[thehoneybeewitch]

that addition is a+ :)

[iopele]

THE ONLY ENDING I WILL EVER ACCEPT FOR THIS

[americanninjax-deactivated20191]

[hardykat]

Every time this post shows up on my dash, it gets better (and more heart wrenching. Y’all! Stop cutting the onions okay?!).

[cell113]

If ever don’t reblogging this, I’m either dead, dying, or buried under cat.

[local-fishy-boi]

LISTEN I WILL SELL MY SOUL FOR SOMEONE TO MAKE THIS AN ACTUAL SHOW OKAY

[chatnoirismycinnamonroll]

PLEEEEEEEEEASE, I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!

[monsieur-fancy-hat]

OH MY GOD BY THE END OF THIS I WAS CRYING I NEED THIS TO BE REAL LIKE SHAUBSHAKAGSHJSHSBSBSB

[thejanewestin]

had to add my own bit ❤️ @eatbreathewrite this is for you!

[forgettinglemons]

Okay what if Todd didn’t have a name before this- didn’t need one. He was a demon, just meant for summoning and getting things done. So when this sweet old lady mistakenly calls him Todd, something just unknowingly clicks. It’s something Todd always had been missing- a name. And, even if it was a mistaken identity, he quickly loves it and accepts it as his

[oh-fuck-its-anonymous-deactivat]

You made this amazing post even better

[flmuseumgirl30]

Always reblog Annette and Todd.

[twilight-blaze]

yes, their close platonic relationship in canon is important to me specifically because it's both close and platonic

yes, I also ship them romantically, or as part of a romantic poly ship

I refuse to lock myself into a single interpretation of a fictional relationship when there's multiple interesting ways to view it. I can do both

[pxssionate-intensity]

Ilya and Shane, on top of being The Lovebirds Of All Time, are best fucking friends.

Shane is the #1 person Ilya gossips with. Since Shane isn’t the best on picking up subtext, all of the drama Ilya has to share is a complete surprise to him. Which makes him both the most entertained by the gossip and the most entertaining gossip partner.

Shane has an extremely dry sense of humor, and in public he’ll whisper deadpan commentary into Ilya’s ear while Ilya tries not to cry laughing.

Ilya has a very dark sense of humor that makes most people who hear it uncomfortable, but not Shane. Shane thinks it’s absolutely hilarious every time.

Ilya and Shane love to sit in the same room, do separate activities, and barely speak to each other. Shane will read a book while Ilya plays a video game, and one of them will have their feet in the other’s lap.

While everyone in the league thinks Ilya is a huge asshole, Shane thinks he’s hilarious. In fact, Shane usually agrees with Ilya’s chirps and will not defend anyone against them.

I just love the idea that they’re absolute best friends.

[bighairedbitch]

Aging Scott up in the show has had some interesting unintended consequences.

In the show, Scott being a veteran player that Shane grew up admiring (to the point of calling him Mr. Hunter lol) adds an extra layer of emotional weight. Seeing a role model come out is powerful. And by making Scott push 40, his coming out feels bittersweet because you can’t help thinking about everything he gave up and all the years he spent hiding. This is his prize after a very long career, a cup and Kip

But I also think something gets lost when people act like that version is automatically better.

In the books, Scott is only 28. He’s not at the end of his career. He’s still in his prime. His story isn’t about finally getting to live authentically after a long career. It’s about choosing authenticity while he still has everything to lose. There’s something powerful about that too! A peer coming out can be just as impactful as a role model. So I don’t really see one version as superior to the other. They’re emphasizing different things.

The problem is that once Scott gets aged up, I think people start taking Ilya’s humor way more literally than the books ever intended.

In the books, Scott is only three years older than Ilya, which means all the “old man” jokes are exactly that: jokes. He’s chirping a guy who’s basically his peer. Once Scott is almost 40, the joke starts reading like a factual observation instead.

Ilya says Hayden is the 15th best player in Montreal. A lot of fans have accepted that as fact. Meanwhile Hayden is playing on Shane’s line, keeping up with the best player in the league, and leading the team in assists. The books are clearly showing us that Hayden is one of Montreal’s better players. Ilya is just being a hater. 😭

The same thing happens with Shane. I read fanfiction all the time where people genuinely seem to believe Shane has a weak backhand because Ilya made one joke about it. If Shane is anything like his spiritual father Sidney Crosby, he probably has one of the best backhands in the league. But even setting the Crosby comparison aside, you do not become the best player in the NHL with a glaring weakness like that.

Ilya is talking shit.He exaggerates. He chirps. He ragebaits people for fun. Half the humor of his POV comes from the fact that he says ridiculous things about people he actually likes. That’s a huge part of his character that I feel like people are missing.

[penandinkprincess]

Shallergies suggestion: after finding out about Shane's allergies, Ilya goes to the team nutritionist to have a very calm (slightly panicked) conversation about changing his meal plan and maybe the cooking company so he won't accidentally kill his girlfriend.

The nutritionist takes one look at his face and suggests he talk to the team doctors because this man has obviously spent the entire time since his desensitized girlfriend left on WEB MD looking up scary scary allergy information and needs someone to walk him through that allergy printout before the poor boy combusts. That meeting starts with Ilya invading the doctor's office, throwing the spreadsheet at their face and follows with a baffled doctor asking if his girlfriend is the most zen person ever or just doesn't fear death?

It takes Ilya several weeks to get over the fact that the only thing in the world Shane can be considered too chill about is the thing that can kill him (he's vindicated that it's not even his opinion, but the opinion of medical professionals)

GOD the idea of ilya having to come up with his cover story because he does need them to know the allergies aren't his but ARE present enough that his food HAS to be safe. and someone (playfully) is like?? oh?? one of your girls serious enough to worry about this??? and ilya is just...yes. yeah for sure. definitely that. she is over very often and i need food that will not kill her by proximity (visibly stressed about this and thus gently nudged towards the doctor's offices).

and this is medical-adjacent information, so the staff wouldn't tell anyone, but maybe the guys are over at ilya's house and see??? his mealpreps marked with allergy tags?? ilya, what??? you have allergies now?? dude we've seen you eat peanuts at bars what's up???

now it's a giant conspiracy about who ilya's Mystery Allergy Girl is and he also gets razzed MERCILESSLY about hanging up the player cloak and getting domesticated enough that he's even doing allergy-friendly food exclusively for this one girl when do we get to meet her what's her name at least oh my god is it montreal jane ilya you have to bring her over we won't pelt her with peanuts promise C'MON man-