Fine but not Mine

We are a blog that helps kids, teens, and young adults having trouble being accepted by their parents for whatever reason. The idea behind "FbnM" is that your parents are okay with the idea of LGBTQIA+ (and other things), but "that would never happen to...

[lumaxe]

 [THE GENDERQUEER SERIES]

Genderqueer (.noun):  denoting or relating to a person who does not subscribe to conventional gender distinctions but identifies with neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders.

Get informed // talk to others in the genderqueer community // how to become an ally

(Please correct me if something in this post is wrong or offends you!)

[eminentauthenticity]

Calling someone by their correct name/pronouns is not charity. It is normal respectable behaviour, and it should not be a chore.

[waystoraise-blog]

Writing Trans: Common Pitfalls - Trans Feminine

Or rather, how to avoid writing yourself into them! Considering our holiday fundraiser I thought this week would be a good one for a Common Pitfalls article on writing Trans Feminine characters. Here are some things to keep in mind.

Also note, that this week’s article is co-written with Sophia so we could have both binary and nonbinary trans fem perspectives.

Trans women are not drag queens. Trans women were not “born men.”  Trans women are women. Period. Trans feminine individuals that identify as women or partial-women are women. Period.

Not all trans women are white. Trans women of color are extremely underrepresented in media.

Being trans is not deceptive and our gender does not exist to bewilder your cis characters, as a comedic device, or for shock value. If it’s being portrayed as such, the character is insulting and contributes to dehehumanization of trans women.

Cis writers often put self-referential transphobic or transmisogynistic jokes in a trans woman’s mouth. It doesn’t matter if the character saying it is trans, the character can’t reclaim anything because they aren’t a real person, they are a creation and as the author you are responsible for their choices. Do not do this.

In genre fiction trans women are often associated with shapeshifters, or alien/other. If the only trans characters in your narrative are aliens you are othering and fetishizing.

We are whole people, complete persons, and your trans fem characters should be too. Trans women and trans feminine individuals are often reduced to their sexuality, hyper sexualized, portrayed exclusively as sex workers, and/or used as tragic plot devices that exist for horrible things to happen to. Do not do this. 

Trans women and trans fem individuals are often put in situations where for their own emotional or physical safety they must hyper-perform femininity. This does not make the gender of those who do not any less valid. 

While there are common difficulties shared with other nonbinary and trans masculine individuals, there are many struggles unique to trans trans fem folks.  Trans feminine individuals suffer from transphobia, misogyny, and the ways they intersect in transmisogyny. Those who don’t deal with transmisogyny should not try to write the experience of it, or speak for those who do.

Do not blame transmisogyny within your narrative on “traditional values” or “lone bigots” address it as the force it is. Don’t foster it off on the hyper-religious or minorities.

We also found an article that we wanted to share -  How To Write About Trans Women by Gabrielle Bellot. Before reading it keep in mind that this article is focused exclusively on writing trans women and is sarcastic in tone; highlighting everything one should not do when writing trans women.

You can also take a look at the three previous Common Pitfalls articles here: Nonbinary, Gender Expression and Relationships. 

Please feel free to send us your favorite trans authors, a little bit about your favorite trans characters, or any questions or topics you’d like to see me address, too. For some of our new followers, you can find past Writing Trans articles here in the tag.

-Chris & Sophia

[scum2000]

This is so awesome and important.

[cassandraknights-deactivated201]

And the award for best post of the year goes to this!

[fleshbra]

Thank God A one of these posts that isn’t truscummy.

[rhinocio]

Types of Distorted Thinking

This is a shoutout to everyone, but especially those with mental health issues. Everybody on Earth falls into these kinds of thinking habits - they’re ingrained in us through how we’re raised and treated. Persistently hating on ourselves in these ways exacerbates low self-worth and self-esteem, and can make those of us with depressive issues that much more dangerous to ourselves. 

All or Nothing - Everything is black or white, bad or good. You either won or you lost. “I could have had this, but now I have zilch. Nada. Zero.”

Overgeneralization - Any one negative event is part of a constant pattern of defeat. “The party was a flop, but all of my parties are flops. I can’t cook, I can’t decorate, and everyone hates me.”

Mental Filtering - No positives are considered. You went for a jog, and saw cute dogs, had an old friend greet you, and found a five dollar bill. But you tripped in a puddle and skinned your knee, so the entire run was awful.

Discounting Positives - Achievements or positive qualities aren’t legitimate or don’t matter. You didn’t get high honours, but you still made it on the honour roll. Too bad, because you were too stupid to be perfect or win what you aimed for.

Jumping to Conclusions - Assuming the worst and mind-reading. “If I tell my friend they hurt my feelings, they’ll swear at me and think I’m a bitch and never speak to me again!”

Magnification / Minimization - Blowing things way out of proportion or diminishing their significance. “If I don’t pass in this assignment I’m going to fail the entire term and have to drop out of school!” or “40% of my mark isn’t that big of a deal. Studying wouldn’t make a difference. It’ll be fine.”

Emotional Reasoning - I feel this way, so I must be this way. “I feel ill, so I’m coming down with something. I’m upset, so I must be depressed. I’m anxious, so I must be having a panic attack. I can’t think straight, so I must be losing my mind.”

Condemnation - “I should have done this! Why didn’t I think of that? If I had just acted differently, things wouldn’t be this way!”

Labeling - “I am bad, I am stupid, I fucked up.” 

Blaming - Accusing only yourself, or everyone except yourself.

Find which of these - and there may be multiple! - that you do, and make note of them. When you catch yourself saying awful things about your body or assuming you know what’s going to happen, note that you’re thinking distortedly, and remind yourself that your brain isn’t telling the truth. You may even need to ask someone to help you catch yourself in the act - many people are so used to thinking in distortion that they do it reflexively. This is mindfulness, and has been immensely helpful for me in understanding myself and others.

[sinpphire]

wow..thanks, i didn’t even know minimization was a thing, that’s something i do a lot and really fucks me over. These are pretty helpful..

[imperfectlyxo]

Christmas can be a difficult time, even without batting mental illness.

Try to be organised. If you haven’t already, sort your presents, wrapping, when you’ll deliver them. Sort out your plans for the Christmas period, when you finish work/school and then what you’ll be doing on each day.

Plan ahead. Make sure you have completed your work and assignments before the deadline. Concentrate on them so you can have a more relaxing Christmas not worrying about it.

Alcohol. Lots of people drink more over the Christmas/New Year period, so be careful of how much you drink; it’s a depressant after all so can make you have low moods, become irritable or even aggressive. 

Food. Sometimes in this period, we over-indulge and eat more than usual. If you need control over what you eat, then help out during meal times and serve yourself. Nobody will be watching how much you eat. Enjoy the yummy Christmas dinner.

Stay in touch. Get in touch with old friends, with family, your friends and meet up with them or just have a phone call. It makes you feel good catching up. They can also listen to you and be there for you as well.

Sleep. Our routine over Christmas is normally all over the place. Try to sleep at normal times and wake up when you normally would. Lack of sleep and over sleeping can affect mental health.

Be aware of what you are worried about, what triggers you, and try to address how you will deal with it before Christmas is here.

Make time for yourself too, Christmas is about others and family but you are important too. Have your alone time so you aren’t overwhelmed.

Plan your travel ahead of time, there are normally changes to public transport over the Christmas period so think ahead.

Christmas isn’t about presents - it’s about family time.

As for New Year: You have almost made it to a new year. Don’t give up now, you can do this. You don’t have to do anything on New Years Eve if you don’t want to, it’s your choice.

Take care of yourself and I hope you have a lovely Christmas. I’m here if you need anything. <3

(Feel free to add more and tag me “imperfectlyxo” and I’ll reblog it!)

[asexual-helper]

[atypical-things]

Door vs Wall

(Based on this post)

Heterosexual: Door swings one way

Homosexual: Door swings the other way

Bisexual: Door swings both ways

Pansexual: Revolving door

Demisexual: Door is locked

Asexual: Door is actually a wall

So, have you opened your door yet?

Actually, I don’t have a door. I have a wall.

Have you tried giving it a push?

A push? It’s a wall. Pushing on a wall won’t do anything.

I’m sure your door will open once you’ve found the right key.

Walls don’t have locks…

Although maybe you should call a locksmith just to make sure everything is, you know, okay.

Nothing you are saying makes any sense. It’s a WALL.

Maybe yours is actually a pull door. And it’s okay, you know, if your door opens the other way. I’m sure you’ll feel better once you admit it to yourself.

Do you not understand what a wall is?

Did your fingers get caught in the door when you were younger? Because you shouldn’t let a trauma like that stop you from opening your door now.

No my fingers did not get caught when I was younger because IT’S A WALL AND NOT A DOOR.

You know, I don’t mind helping you with your door ;)

… I’m just going to go over here now…with my wall… yeah…. 

[aropenguin]

Funniest thing I’ve read all day XD

[aropenguin-blog]

Yup, still funny!

[dragjunkie23]

What would demisexual be like?

[stuffmomnevertoldyou]

At least 19 Saudi women won seats on local municipal councils Sunday, a day after women voted and ran in elections for the first time in the country’s history.

General Election Commission spokesman Hamad Al-Omar told The AP that out of 130,000 female registered voters, a staggering 106,000 cast ballots, or roughly 82 per cent.

More than 1.35 million men had registered to vote, with 44 per cent, or almost 600,000, casting ballots.

[buzzfeedlgbt]

We Asked People With Gender Dysphoria How They Take Care Of Themselves

[hellyeahscarleteen]

This is a lovely list!

[projectqueer]

Unsurprisingly, Trans Students Have Caused Zero Incidents in Public Bathrooms

Not a single inappropriate act, harassment, or "negative consequence" has been reported.

While critics have tried to claim that allowing transgendered students to use same-sex school facilities is some kind of safety or privacy concern (we’re looking at you Mike Huckabee), a new report shows that there’s actually zero evidence of that being true. None of the 17 largest US school districts’ schools with trans-inclusive nondiscrimination policies have reported a single inappropriate act, harassment, or “negative consequence,” according to a report by Media Matters for America.

In these schools, trans students are allowed into the bathrooms, locker rooms and sports teams of their choice. 

In fact, many of the schools within Maine, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Jersey, New York, Washington, D.C., Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota, Colorado, California, Oregon and Washington State say their trans-inclusive policies have improved school safety.

Hopefully this report will push other states to follow suit.

[refinery29]

This Brand Is Making Swimwear For The Trans Community

A lot of transguys or masculine people aren’t comfortable with wearing a bikini top, so they get stuck wearing shirts in the summertime, or settling for something that doesn’t make them feel confident.

The Rhodes siblings are currently fundraising for the Bareskin Top, which comes in four skin-tone options, on Kickstarter

READ MORE

GIFS VIA.

[bettyhooker]

But actually boosting this because they have until December 19th to raise another $13,000 or they don’t get any of the money.

[socialised-female]

Trans women have always been part of the lesbian community, and always will be.

The only reason to exclude trans women from the category “lesbian” is ahistorical transmisogynist bigotry.

This is a simple corollary of the fact that trans women are women, and have always been women.

There is no reason to pretend otherwise except to hurt and take advantage of trans women.

Trans lesbians, who face both misogyny and lesbophobia are in an even more precarious position than other trans women and other lesbians, and are often abused by cis lesbians. Trans lesbians face massive physical economic and emotional abuse and exploitation from straight people, cis people, and men. This is undeniable.

Denying this perpetuates the sexual abuse, emotional manipulation and economic exploitation committed against lesbians who are trans.

[shotgunheart]

I don’t hear enough discussion about how the sexualization of women’s casual clothes impacts trans women.

All those low cut tops, random holes to show off cleavage or skin, of course the cut of the crotch in pants, etc. They are often incompatible with trans women’s bodies AND social expectations of femininity. Even if a trans woman is comfortable with having chest hair, this being visible in public opens her up to possible violence.

This limits clothing options considerably and adds struggle when trying to find affordable clothing that fits, but doesn’t awkwardly expose some detail that a) invokes dysphoria and/or b) invokes potential violence.

[liquidcoma-deactivated20160903]

The Importance of Subtlety as a Trans Ally

PREFACE: I AM A TRANS WOMAN, THIS IS ADVICE FOR PEOPLE WHO WOULD CONSIDER THEMSELVES TRANS ALLIES

i was talking about this to my girlfriend just a few minutes ago and she said that it would be good to share this on tumblr, so i will. i will also do my best to make this post as legible and accessible as possible

the situation we were talking about is a personal example, when i was dating a trans man. i would talk about him a lot to my grandma, and she didn’t like the way he was treating me and would often misgender him just to make a point.

now, i tried reacting to that by explaining to her that just because someone has done bad things, that’s no excuse to misgender them. my grandmother reacted defensively, which is a common issue when correcting someone who has misgendered another person.

later on, i decided to try a more subtle approach. instead of correcting her every time she misgendered him, i would just unwaveringly refer to him by his appropriate pronouns and eventually out of context she would cease to misgender him to keep things from becoming confusing.

a bigger example than that is at my job. many of my coworkers do not misgender me, at least enough such that i could work an entire shift a few days a week with only the people who will not misgender me. i was told back in 2013 that i was not allowed to correct customers on my pronouns, by the way.

so this put me in a predicament. my coworkers who had supported me from the jump all would insist upon referring to me by my appropriate pronouns, such as, 

CUSTOMER: "excuse me sir i wanted to get a passport photo" ASSOCIATE: “oh sure just step right over there and isel, she’ll help you” CUSTOMER: (now done with order) Oh yeah he was a great help. ASSOCIATE: “yes, she’s very good at passport photos”

at that juncture, the misgendering usually stops, because most people are either too afraid, too busy, or too apathetic to cause a scene when they are one against many others.

here, here’s another example

NEW PERSON AT FRIEND PARTY: Oh yeah, hey dude what’s your name? TRANS WOMAN: (feeling very awkward) Uh, (gives name) NEW PERSON: (turns to trans woman’s friends) He’s pretty cool! FRIEND: (turns to trans woman) Yes, I love (name), SHE’S my best friend OTHER FRIEND: Yeah we hang out with HER all the time.

so as a corollary to the whole, “just because trans people don’t  correct someone on their pronouns doesn’t mean they werent misgendered” notion, if you see that happening, as an ally, step in and do your part following the examples i gave in a way that wont make the trans person feel like a spectacle.

like i said, subtlety. treat it as entirely normal; do not get angry, do not change your tone of voice. i italicized and capitalized corrections in here just for a visual aid, but do not change your tone that much.

tl;dr if you’re an ally and your trans friend is being misgendered, most people will react defensively if you stop conversation to correct them, so if you feel that that is likely to happen, choose subtlety and just construct sentences in which you can use the person’s correct pronouns demonstratively.

NOTE: this is by no means a catch-all statement. there are many exceptions, but i beg of you please have the good sense to know when to and when not to use this approach. it can do more harm than good in a situation where the person doing the misgendering can become more violent beyond that, and subtlety in such a case would not be appropriate.

[thecutestrobot-deactivated20160]

this is really good advice!! people I work who are good trans allies tend to emphasize pronouns when they’re introducing me and do this kind of thing when I get misgendered its really nice :3

[cowparsley]

[recoveryisbeautiful]

INFORMATION

Types of Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Living With Anxiety

Tips for Better Mental Health

General Anxiety

Beating Anxiety

PMS vs. PMDD

  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Information

International OCD Foundation

International OCD Foundation for Kids

Psyc Central: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Copings

Having a New Relationship to Your Obsessions

Overcoming Your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Support

How to Cope with Someone That Has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Living with Someone Who Has OCD

  Panic Disorder

Information

American Psychiatry Association: Panic Disorder

Panic Attack

Coping

Coping with Panic Attacks Workbook

Exploring and Coping with Panic Attacks

Tips for Coping with Panic Attacks

Support

How to Help Someone Having a Panic Attack

What to do When Someone Has a Panic Attack

  Phobias

Information

Agoraphobia: The Fear of Fear

American Psychiatric Association: Phobias

Phobias

Psyc Central: Agoraphobia Symptoms

Specific Phobia Symptoms

Specific Phobia: Treatments

Coping

6 Ways to Overcome Social Anxiety

Coping with Agoraphobia: 5 Things to Avoid

Must-Have Coping Strategies for Social Anxiety

Social Anxiety Disorder Self Help Tips

Support

Phobia Support for Family and Friends

  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Information

Health Care Toolbox

Pysc Central: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Coping

Coping with Flashbacks (1)

Coping with Flashbacks (2)

Coping with PTSD

Self-Help Strategies for  PTSD

Understanding and Coping with PTSD

Support

16 Ways to Help a Friend with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD: 5 Rules to Help a Friend

Coping

Alternatives Jar

Assorted Tips for Anxiety Sufferers

Coping Bank

Coping Skills

Emergency Coping Skills and Tool Box

Internet Distractions

Thought Diary

Tips to Manage Anxiety

When You Feel Anxious…

Ways to Relieve Anxiety Related Chest Pain

Natural Remedies

Eat, Meditate, Exercise – Treating Anxiety Naturally

How to Treat Anxiety Naturally

Natural Remedies for Anxiety

Support

7 Things Anxiety Sufferers Would Like their Family and Friends to Know

7 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone with Anxiety

Anxiety and Helping Someone Cope

Friends and Relatives

Helping Family and Friends with Anxiety

How to Cope with a Loved One Experiencing Anxiety or Depression

How to Support an Anxious Partner

Tips for Family and Friends

Tips to Help a Friend with Anxiety

What to do When Someone You Love Is Anxious

[superbeethoughts]

I know you’re sad, so i won’t tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive. Feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes and don’t give up on yourself just yet. It’ll get better. Until then, have a day

(via superbeethoughts)