It's gonna be ok.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

Are you in love with the dark

Or just afraid of the light?

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

The fact that I can't remember like 90% of my childhood sometimes makes me wonder if I've ever even been a child. Maybe I haven't and the blurry 10% I believe to remember are just random pictures and szenarios I made up to convince myself that I once was a child.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

I am not sorry if my appearance doesn't please you.

I am not ashamed for taking up space.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

Some dude be like "Put some make up on"…........... How about you put some glasses on??? I'm a magnificent goddess, wtf.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

I'm interested in many things but only for a short period of time. Like, I have an idea and get really excited and the next week I couldn't care less. This is why I have a huge collection of equipment for potential hobbies and activities in my apartment. There are calligraphy books, wool and stuff for knitting, watercolors, books for learning Swedish and Italian, a wicca altar with candles and herbs, an e-piano, dead plants, an empty aquarium, a makeup desk full of lipsticks and highlighters I've never put on, tools for making jewelry...the list goes on. And the only thing I'm using is my Netflix account.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

So, listen.

All my life I've been doing my best to keep up with others, to get things done, to move forward just fast enough. Now I'm 24, I finished school but I have no further education and I'm far, FAR behind of what other people achieved at my age. My mental illnesses got in the way and forced me to go much slower.

I grew up believing that I'd be something great, that I'd be successful and normal and fine. Now I'm a 24 year old self taught ghostwriter, still struggling with addiction, suicidal thoughts, social anxiety etc. and that's not what I had in mind. But guess what? It's ok. I'm alive, I'm slowly learning how to live this life and I've learned one thing of importance: life is not a race nor is it a checklist you can go through step by step. You can't outpace your own abilities and the sooner you accept your limits without limiting your potential, the sooner you'll move in the right direction.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

I got better. I stopped cutting, I'm clean, I have a job, a fiance, an apartment. I have a life, a good one. I've spent the past four years creating it step by step, far slower than everyone around me. Just to wake up today, noticing I don't want to live it anymore.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

On the wall right behind the place my therapist sits during our appointments is a quote of Max Frisch, Swiss author. It says that crisis is a productive condition. You just have to take away it's taste of catastrophe. I've spend a lot of time looking at that quote and even more time thinking about it. I hope some day I'll be able to follow Max Frischs advice.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

Politicians acting like legality equals morality. While taking away women's right to make choices about their body, closing borders, letting refugees die right in front of that borders and ignoring climate change. There are no problems in the system, the system itself is the problem.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

Growing up in a capitalist world made me think that my worth depends on how productive I am. I'm still trying very hard to unlearn that shit.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

Everything's nice and I'm feeling fine, then out of nothing I'm losing my mind. I thought I've left the darkness behind. It ran after me, turns out I'm easy to find.

23MAY2019

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

You ask me 'who are you?' and I collapse. Who am I? I have a name, but I can't put myself in words. I'm changing. Every day, every single moment. I'm trying to accept, that I'm a work in progress, yet a masterpiece. I'm more than you could ever understand and still less than you expect. I don't know who exactly I am and I don't think I'll ever find out. That's ok. I am. I just am.

I am.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

Me 3 years ago: I will not leave the house unless my makeup is on fleek. Can't bother ppl with my ugliness.

Me now: This is my face. If you don't like it, don't look at it.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

Five years ago I wanted to die. Three years ago I thought life would never be worth it. Today I'm still struggling, but that's ok. I'm still here and I'm finally glad that I am.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

At the moment I feel like dying. But I won't. I've felt like this before. And I'll survive.

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

Can you help me? I seriously believe that I may have BPD(I identify with most of the symptoms on an almost daily basis) But I can't go to therapy because I barely talk to my parents especially when it come to mental health. Every single day it's getting worse and I just want to end it all as it feels like I can longer function like a human being, can you give me some advice on how to get a diagnosis so I can get professional help and meds? (I'm under 18 and still in school)

Hey Anon!

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. I think it depends on where you live but as you're under 18 I fear you'll need your parents to get a diagnosis. Also many psychiatrists don't diagnose BPD on minors. Still you need and deserve help! First step would be contacting a doctor you trust. They can help you plan further steps and maybe supply you with emergency meds. Other than that please don't keep your pain to yourself! Talk to a good friend, maybe to a school psychologist (if there is one at your school) or a liaison teacher.

I can understand, that the symptoms you're experiencing make life very hard. But it can get better, I promise - so please don't give up!

You can always reach out to me if you feel like it!❤

[fraeuleinrabenschwarz]

After all these years of 'I can't', saying 'I can and I will' feels like finally breaking free.

Recovery is worth it, I promise.