today i went to a cafe all by myself.
For my entire life i haven't been able to go out by myself. I always needed someone to go out with me. Alone time wasn't a possibility in my mind, like, i never thought about it.
Until my therapist asked me if i ever thought that people liked alone time because they like their own company and i answered "no" way too quickly.
I would have meltdowns if my partner couldn't/didn't want to go out with me. I would feel bored until i was nearly raging but i would not go out because i had no one to go with me.
What if someone stared? What if someone made fun of me? What if something bad happened? How would i react? When i'm out in public everyone will be laughing at me and i don't wanna be made fun of...
That's the script whenever i'm out in public, worse if i'm by myself.
Besides everything, I've been making progress, and today, i was burnt out from work and really needed a break. I thought about invinting my partner for a coffee but for the first time ever i though "oh. I can just go out." i managed to actually want to try that. I tried not to make a big deal out of it and left with my book.
I arrived at the place, really quiet and just a few people I took a deep breath and chose the nicest place to sit, in the middle of an open space, absolutely gorgeous. The con was: this place was in the center of the cafe. Everyone could see me. But i took a deep breath an as soon as i started to think everyone's staring i quickly glanced around and noticed absolutely no one even bothered to aknowledge i was there. The waitress was nice. I managed to read my book. No disturbing thoughts came to my mind.
For once. Two decades of horror were silenced for 20 minutes. All by myself.
I think freedom has many shapes and forms, today, freedom looked like this to me:
