P

• P • He/They • Enby • Pan • AFAB • 20 • Brazilian • • If you follow me for depressive shit, you can get the fuck out because I don't endorse that shit, I'm just venting • Ø DO NOT INTERACT IF YOU WANT SEXUAL ACTIVITIES Ø

[galaxyfox503]

Listen while you browse my blog.

[galaxyfox503]

I haven't felt this shitty in so long, honestly I feel like I could just fucking disappear into nothingness and life would be better for people around me.

I don't feel like I'm an adult, I don't feel ready to take responsibility, I was forced to mature faster and now I feel like I'm a child still.

I need to find a job asap because my family is moving and I'll live alone, and I don't have enough money to buy appliances and to sustain myself.

God help me.

[laidlays]

https://www.pixiv.net/user/3489777/series/42514

https://mangadex.org/title/30630/girl-that-can-see-it

[galaxyfox503]

I feel so fucking lost

I just want to fucking die

What the fuck is wrong with me

Why can't I just be normal

Why

[lutzlig]

[caimofnoceur]

[galaxyfox503]

I love Minecraft but it makes me feel alone.

I play games to escape my reality, and that's why I love the Sims so much, I can do whatever, be whoever, heck I can even fight space plants.

Minecraft is similar, I can do whatever, built whatever I want however, I just can't be whoever, I'm always me, always myself, in a big, empty world... Even if I find a village, I'm still the only one of my species, the only things that resembles my species are undead creatures. The infinite possibilities makes me anxious, I can do whatever, but what if I want restrictions? In bad days I can't even play with the difficulty on, because the mobs scare me for real, the noises they make (Enderman in particular) are unbearable, I hate it to bits, in really bad days even the passive mobs scare me, the cows, the sheep, and don't even get me started with the Foxes, they make giggling noises when the night falls, I can't even count how many times I've mistaken a white sheep for a dangerous blood thirsty create, even though I was playing on peaceful mode.

It's less bad when I play with my brother, but he wants to do stuff, and I really just like to take care of the crops, and the animals, and build lil' ugly houses... I don't know where I was going with this, maybe I just wanted to talk about it, maybe, the feeling of loneliness when I load up a seed isn't that uncommon, and other people have it too, maybe I'm not the only one that is scared of sheep, maybe I just don't want to feel alone in games too.

[galaxyfox503]

I hate editing.

this is a pain somebody help me.

[galaxyfox503]

Depression log pictures #1

I was feeling like shit, looking like shit, and smelling horrible, I hadn't showered in what felt were weeks, I hadn't left my rooms in days, only coming out to go to the bathroom and to get food. I avoided society as much as I could.

I just showered, it may not seem like much, but to me it was as hard as climbing up a mountain with no safety gear, I still look like shit, but I don't feel as bad as I was before, and I don't smell that bad either.

I decided to start posting some pictures logs just to get used to taking pictures and posting them, it's been MONTHS since I took a picture of myself. I don't know how to feel about it.

[extramadness]

[galaxyfox503]

So it's been a while since the last I've vented here.

First it was because I was kinda good, like I had started working on my YouTube channel, and I was recording, and editing, and although it was kinda stressful sometimes, and I have less than 10 views per video, I really like making content and editing and I was having fun.

But then some things happened and my relationship with my brother was strained, more than it already was. He said that he doesn't know me any because I don't tell him things, that I only tell him the funny dreams I had and not the ones that make me feel bad, that I don't share my problems and etc... What he doesn't realise is that him and his wife are half my problems, and I won't tell him that because that'll hurt him, a lot. He thinks I don't like his wife but the truth is that I'm neutral about her, and she doesn't like me, straight up, she doesn't like me, and I understand her, I don't like me either.

It's been like a week since that happened and I haven't felt good since then, I recorded a bunch, but I don't want to edit, I just can't...

And I don't trust my best friend with this information, because she wants the best of me, so she could tell them, and I don't want it... So I started dumping it all on my boyfriend, who doesn't have any contact with them, and he called me tiring... And since he called me that I don't really want to talk to him...

I feel like I'm the villain, people are supposed to be the main character of their story, but I'm the antagonist. I'm against my self and everyone else.

I didn't think that Tumblr would help me, but it feels like it's the only social media platform that I can vent anonymously without being discovered, because even on Reddit, I could share a little too much info and someone I know could piece the pieces together and figure it out and tell them.

He criticized me for "not wanting professional help" and I want... I just can't... Sometimes I feel like it hurts more than heals...

I feel so gross too, dysphoria has been a bitch lately, I haven't showered in days because I don't want to look at myself...

[inkigayeo-deactivated20201105]

ok i need,,, for science,,, pls reblog with your hair colour,,, a fun fact about yourself,,, and whether you like crunchy or soft cookies

[galaxyfox503]

Why do you act like I'm yours when you don't want to accept it?

I feel like you're using me. You're sending mixed signals, I get confused. I wanted to go slow and you fastened the pace, but when I try and approach you, you want to go slow, can you please make up your mind?

It's so confusing

Do you just want to fuck me?

Because if you do, that's okay, I'd be okay with that, just please make it clear, otherwise I feel trapped and have nowhere to go, because I can't have you romantically, but also I can't have anyone else sexualy and that's really frustrating.

What do you want from me?

[galaxyfox503]

It was a good day today.

I didn't feel like killing myself for most of the time. I spent the day with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time.

[galaxyfox503]

I feel like my life is a lie

[galaxyfox503]

I feel fake.

I don't feel like a real person, I just feel like a facade that once was real.

I don't feel dead, but I wish I was.

I have no purpose on life. I Just turned 20 and all I want to do is fucking die, if I was brave enough I'd kill myself, but I can't even do that properly.

I'm stupid and pathetic, I look like a fucking failure. All I want to do is to disappear and to never be found. I want to be erased from people's memories, like I've never existed.

Since my mother died I have no purpose on life, all I did was serve her, and take care of her, but now that she's dead for over 5 years, I just can't find another purpose... I'm a pathetic little fucker who can't achieve anything.

All I do is wrong, I can't never do things right. When the psychiatrist told me all those years ago that I'd never be normal, that I'd never have a job, or finish school, I didn't want to believe him, I wanted to prove him wrong, but I just can't, I am unable of being a functioning human.

I am a sorrow excuse of life.

I'm proud to call myself non-binary, but I feel like I'm faking it for attention. I don't feel part of the LGBTQ community, I don't feel part of any community. I feel cast out, from my own family, they don't pay attention when I talk, or talk over me. Because I'm the silly little me who's non confrontacional, so I won't speak up about it. But it hurts so fucking much.

Master of none, unable of doing anything remotely okay. Any hobby I try my hand at, even if I put my hardest into it, it'll look like shit or just "okay".

I can't even ask for help properly, when I asked my brother for the number of a therapist he knows that's attention online for free, he told me he would give it to me, but he didn't, and even when i reminded him of it, he didn't sent me it.

Like I'm literally asking to be helped. But you just forgot about it?

I know you're struggling too, it's hard for everyone, but you don't see how much I hurt.

How many times I wanted to get my money, and get on a bus, and then another, and another, and another, until I don't know where I am anymore, and finally settled, somewhere where I can start fresh, where all my wrongdoings won't chase me, where I won't be me, where I could be anyone, I could be q brand new person, the real me maybe.

I feel like I have no friends, and I'll never find a lover, I feel used by people, but alas, I'm only useful when being used, all I know is to serve, to the point where I feel like a sex toy when being held by someone who claims to "love" or "want" me.

I'm so pathetic I can't even choose a name for myself.

I'm a faker, I fake being okay most of my days. I fake liking what I'm doing, just so I won't be asked anything. I fake being myself.

But I don't even know who I am.

Sometimes it feels like I'm multiple people, sometimes it feels like I'm no one.

I'm going insane.

Tearing my hair out.

I'm scratching again.

Biting myself.

Wanting to draw blood.

But I'm too much of a coward to do that.

I just feel fake.

[one-time-i-dreamt]

I don’t remember what I dreamt of, but I woke up saying in a very slurred speech, “Bananas… They are good, full of potassium, you should eat ‘em,“ got confused and promptly went back to sleep.

[nareku]

XXXx