ghostsofwords

Sleep schedule is worse than my posting schedule https://x.com/Underpass_getti

[watermelontuesdays]

AU where Shane and Ilya don't hook up or have a decades-long secret. They don't really know each other at all, except to play each other.

Shane comes out of the closet sometime after Scott does, and in some random, lighthearted interview, they ask him what he's looking for in a man. And Shane's just, off-hand like, "Well, he'd have to have at least one Stanley Cup. Obviously." And when he gets a good reaction from that, he keeps going, like "Needs to be amazing at hockey. Definitely needs to be at least an All-Star, if not a captain. Hot too. If he can't bench-press me, I'm not interested."

And it's all in fun, except two days after the interview prints, Ilya Rozanov shows up at his door like "knock, knock. I am here to apply for boyfriend position. Do you need resume? I brought my Stanley Cup ring, just in case."

[raccoonspew]

Ilya Rozanov’s bachelor party is insane, but not in the way anyone expected.

It’s an overnight trip to the cottage. Svetlana, Cliff, Jackie (but not Hayden) Pike, most of the centaurs, and for some reason David Hollander are all there. Everyone’s expecting some Death of a Bachelor style extravaganza, a dramatic send-off of Boston’s Finest Eater, a glittery funeral for the man who once did a line of coke off a model in a moving car.

But then they all get there and Ilya just wants to…hang out? Kinda? There are video games and jet skis and funny stories told around a campfire. There’s an impromptu game of charades that ends with Jackie Pike throwing a shoe at Cliff Marleau and splitting his lip open.

But it’s still Ilya Rozanov. His 2014 club-rat soul is as strong as ever. He’s going to make it a good time.

By 10:00 PM they’ve been playing never have I ever for over an hour trying to find something he hasn’t done. It’s David Hollander flabbergasted and impressed. It’s Wyatt Hayes shouting “what do you mean you’ve been kidnapped before?” And Zane Boodram yelling “I didn’t even know that was a position!”

It’s Cliff wearing a comically large pair of sunglasses to disguise the fact he’s sobbing while drunkenly telling everyone story after story about Ilya’s Boston days. He’s slurring “and no homo, man, but I’m not even mad those girls made us kiss during that threesome! It was an honor!” Before collapsing. Luca Haas passed out after the first round of Twister.

David Hollander is white girl wasted congratulating his future son in law, he’s shit talking Montreal for hurting his sweet boy so loud that they have to cover their ears. Him and Ilya are bonding over their shared experience with a stubborn spouse that they can’t say no to. Eventually Ilya switches completely to Russian without realizing and gets pissed when no one laughs at his clearly hilarious jokes.

Halfway through the night Sveta has to call Shane (who is at home completely sober) so Ilya will stop attempting to ride a peloton bike to their house. Ilya starts weeping the second he hears Shane’s voice. It’s “baby stop crying I’ll see you tomorrow okay?” and “holy shit did you get my dad wasted?” But David isn’t around to hear because he’s actually on a similar sounding FaceTime with Yuna. Ilya falls asleep on the floor cradling a framed photo of Shane as a little kid.

It’s one of the best nights of his entire life. Practice is cancelled for three days.

(Shane’s bachelor party is bowling. Funnily enough, he also ends up asleep on the floor.)

[i-need-of-a-hobby]

shane will be reading one of his hockey books and ilya will be whining about how his husband isn't paying attention to him and 'how is that book more interesting than me hollander' so shane just decides to start reading to ilya.

now ilya would definitely complain about how boring it is, while being (not so) secretly contented because he gets to listen to his husbands voice who is threading his hand through ilya's hair, but neither of them think ilya's paying attention enough to absorb any of the information.

that is until one day at practice weibe is explaining a play he wants them to do and ilya comments on how 'oh, this is like the <insert name> maneuver from the 1988 playoffs' or something (i don't know hockey) and the rest of the team turns around to stare at him thinking holy shit it's actually happening, they're morphing into one person.

it takes him a second to realize but when the notices them all staring at him he instantly starts to backtrack, 'i didn't mean that, shane, you're turning me into boring canadian, what the fuck, is this what is like in your head??'

shane has never been so turned on in his life.

[snowsmoked]

David Hollander is definitely the type of man to randomly put on a song and pull his wife up to dance with him, especially if she’s stressing about something, or worrying, or upset, or just because. She will usually lightly protest, honey, I need to finish this email, but she’ll happily go along nonetheless.

David does it for the first time in front of Ilya when the boys are visiting and Shane and Yuna are planning (arguing) about something new brand deal.

He puts a song on the record player (Yuna has given up teaching him the Alexa), and he takes Yuna’s hand without a word. She protests that they need to plan out these contract terms and how his son is being difficult about it.

Shane starts to protest at that, but doesn’t get far until Ilya pulls him up to dance, too. A very embarrassed Shane goes willingly. He’s watched his father do this for years but never thought he would be pulled up to dance one day. From the fond looks from his parents, they probably didn’t either.

Shane meets Ilya’s smile with a half-hearted glare, but can’t deny swaying to the music in his boyfriend’s arms feels much better than stressing about a brand deal. Ilya makes a note to ask David for anymore tips and tricks.

[escapepodding]

It would be really funny if Ilya's bachelor party takes on mythic status because of his reputation, with tonnes of rumours and people saying there's nothing on social media because people had to sign NDAs, only for it to never have happened. Too many people joked about throwing him the wildest party ever and he spent the time in between the season ending and the wedding ducking and weaving plans because he was NOT jeopardising this! He is not waking up just before marrying Shane in another country, in jail, or drunkenly married to someone else! He just wants to marry the love of his life so bad he's not even waiting to order chairs, STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!

[bambicoded]

ilyapie :)

[buckysoldatbarnes]

we all know ilya loves trash tv, fashion, gossip, and pop culture. somewhere along the line, he ends up bored one night, and stumbles across a documentary about Princess Diana. big mistake

needless to say, ilya watches this story of a kind, beautiful, loving young blond woman whose rich and powerful husband abuses and resents her. she struggles with mental illness, and dies young, leaving behind two teenage sons. the youngest son becomes an exile from his home country, in large part because of who they chose to love. shane finds ilya crying so hard he throws up

[weewoo911]

Loads of Hollanov fics have them getting walked in on while making out etc which is great

But I’d love a fic where one or both of Shane’s parents drop by the cottage for phone charger/laundry pod reasons and find Shane snuggled on the couch fast asleep on Ilya’s chest and that’s how they find out

They’re dressed in soft casual clothes, sleeping like the dead and wrapped around each other like vines and Ilya’s hand is in Shane’s hair and Shane looks so so comfortable and relaxed

Meanwhile his parents are staring slack-jawed at the sight of their son using his archenemy the Russian Rage Machine as a teddybear/pillow

[gaynehollander]

Ilya on Twitter, so proud, after Shane scores a hat-trick: Did you all see my husband? 😍​😍​😍​

Certified husband guy Ilya Rozanov after someone calls him a cocksucker on the ice: Have you seen my husband? Yes, I suck his cock. So sad for you that you will never get to.

Ilya Rozanov, showing up late to a gala after his husband, Shane Hollander, was away for some commercial shoot and he didn't get to see him before the event, looking genuinely frantic: Have you seen my husband anywhere??

Ilya out for lunch with Shane, when the bill comes along: Oh, my rich hockey player husband will take care of that.

Ilya Rozanov, drunk out of his mind at his husband-mandated night out with Cliff (because he needs the enrichment), not so gently turning down some woman who's blatantly flirting with him: Do you even know who my husband is???

Ilya "Down Atrocious" Hollander-Rozanov when one of Shane's commercials plays at Monk's after a game: Everyone shut up! My husband is on TV!

[lexicanons]

Soulmate AU where Shane and Ilya don’t realize they’re soulmates (or they’re lying to themselves and pretending they don’t know they’re soulmates). After Shane leaves following the tuna melt incident, Ilya gets really bad rejection sickness. It gets so bad that Ilya passes out at practice. He wakes up in the hospital and the doctor tells him about his rejection sickness and urges him to work out his issues with his soulmate. Ilya just nods but he’s not going to bother Shane. Shane doesn’t want him and he won’t force it. It’s better this way.

One night Svetlana is caring for Ilya and she’s had enough. She takes Ilya’s phone while he’s sleeping and sends a text to Jane like ‘Hi this is Ilya’s friend, Svetlana. Look, I don’t know what happened between you and him but I’m begging you to take him back. He has really bad rejection sickness. The doctors are saying it’s the worst case they’ve ever seen. He may die. I don’t want my friend to die. Please.’

Hours later, the doorbell rings. Svetlana opens the door to see Shane Hollander standing there. Before Svetlana can ask any questions, Shane just says ‘I’m Jane’ and she quickly pulls him into the house and guides Shane to Ilya’s room. Ilya wakes up feeling better and he thinks maybe he’s starting to get over the rejection sickness when he realizes arms are wrapped around him. He knows it’s not Svetlana because the arms are too bulky. His eyes snap open and he sees Shane staring back at him. Shane apologizes for how he left, how he was just scared and how he wants Ilya if he’ll have him. Ilya raises up to kiss Shane.

“Of course I’ll have you, you idiot.”

[offonaherosjourney]

Yuna Hollander who also thinks her son might be gay, but is not as convinced as David, because she is the one who goes with Shane to nearly every single photo shoot and most of the ads he's filmed, and she has personally witnessed people of all genders and roles in the entertainment industry trying to flirt with various degrees of brazenness with her son and all had failed miserably. They were all met with the utmost indifference, David. Surely, if Shane is gay, there would have been a model or actor or hairdresser or make-up artist or light technician who would have caught his eye. And Shane is very polite and considered, but surely if he had been interested he would come up with some excuse so she'd have to give him some privacy and he could shoot his shot (he never has, but just in case, since trying to flirt with someone while your mom is in the room is weird, Yuna at least makes sure to come up with reasons to leave or avoid going at all as often as she can). Besides, David, we both know that boy can't lie to save his ass so there is no way he is managing to be all suave when someone he likes flirts with him. So, since he never shows the tiniest of reactions, Yuna's main theory is that yeah, Shane might not be into women, but it certainly looks like he isn't into men either.

And then years down the line, as Yuna Hollander is telling all of this to Ilya Rozanov, Ilya gleefully decides to clear this up, and tells her that well, you see, Shane isn't just super gay, he is also super bad at realizing when people are flirting with him. "In fact, Yuna, during the CCM shoot I had to..." And then Ilya never gets to finish that sentence because Shane jumps over a sofa and a table and tackles him to the ground to get him to shut up, shUT UP, ILYA, I swear to god I will divorce you right nOW.

[military-newsboys]

Troy about Hayden: Is this a friend of yours? Ilya: Kind of? Not really. He's in my life, and there's nothing I can do about it.

[military-newsboys]

Troy about Hayden: Is this a friend of yours? Ilya: Kind of? Not really. He's in my life, and there's nothing I can do about it.

[twinkwolf]

i really think a lot of the long game conflict boils down to shane saying “hey i’m really scared” and ilya thinking “well i took a meat cleaver to MY life in order to have a chance at happiness and i survived it so why the fuck can’t you do the same for me??” while he grows paler and paler from blood loss and pointedly does NOT look at the ghost of his mother who appears in the rearview mirror of his porsche cayman gt4 and whispers for him to take his pregame cens v raiders nap in the garage with the engine running

[horse-on-a-porch]

im obsessed with the idea of one of Hayden's kids get diagnosed with autism and he's like "ok ok I got this. I'm gonna be the best dad" and immediately calls Shane "like hey what helps with autistic kids?" And Shane's like "??¿¿" And Hayden's like "no obviously you have a lot of experience with autism so-" and Shane's immediately mad. "JUST BECAUSE HES RUSSIAN DOESN'T MEAN HES AUTISTIC." and Hayden has to take a minute to process that because he's still channeling Good Dad energy. "Shane..my best friend...I'm talking about you because you have autism. Did you... Did you not know??"

Shane hangs up. Calls out to his husband. "Babe do I have autism?"

"Da."

"Fuck."

Shane calls Hayden back. "So I have autism."

"Yeah buddy. The hyperspecific safe foods and processing issues weren't a clue? Ow! Jackie, stop it. This is how we process things!"

Anyway Hayden orders multiple weighted blankets and keeps sending Shane articles to the point where Shane politely asks him to stop and so he starts sending them to Ilya who's like "....this is not news to me..." But they're united in their goal of getting Shane to accommodate his needs.

(I'm actually more obsessed with Hayden never having that conversation but quietly noticing autistic things and supporting it but lets be real that man has zero chill like negative numbers)

[horse-on-a-porch]

Grigori Rozano is very lucky he's dead because there's a line out the door of people wanting to punch him. But I think David Hollander would shake his hand and say "I know you had nothing to do with it but I am very grateful for my second son. I'm so grateful that I get to watch him grow and become a better man than me. He is everything you're not and I am so proud of him."

And then Yuna Hollander, having spent years sparring with her husband for this exact purpose, would knock Grigori the fuck out.

And then they'd take the boys out for ice cream.

[argillaforma]

hollanov at their kid’s autism assesment and the doctor says that autism can be genetic and asks if anyone in the family has autism and shane says no at the same time as ilya says yes