Going Deep is Scary with Cari

Poems by Cari Rae

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Invisible

The air I breathe is invisible

If I look with my own eyes

Yet it keeps me full, alive and good

And fills my boundless mind 

The thoughts I think I cannot touch

If I try with my own hands

But they show you how to speak and act

While playing in the sand

The joy which fills my beating heart

Cannot come to an arrest

As I keep my self fixed in true North

And watch you try your best 

The love which envelops my soul

Cannot be lost or taken away

For the sun, the moon, the wind, the sea

Are with me everyday

I find within me what’s without 

And write an endless song

Attuned to those sounds I perceive

As I listen good and long

I radiate all that I am

And all that I may give

Whether it’s received will matter not

For it’s in the way you live

I’ll wrap you up, dear precious souls

In a river so wide and deep

And kiss your foreheads softly 

Should you ever need to weep

I’ll fill your senses with wonder

While you dance, and run, and laugh

No, you are never left alone

As you wander on your path

So fear not as you step into

The ends and the unknowns 

Although I am not seen or felt 

Within you, I am sewn.

So that you may come and show me

All about what you have learned 

And how you loved, and showed the world

That compassion makes it turn.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Seeds

Here, take my seeds and plant them 

Where you feel they will best grow

For I could never seek to

Understand or truly know

The secrets of the soil 

Or the beating of my heart

No, there’s no point to learning 

For my self is set apart

From that which is within me

And of that which is without

I find myself lamenting

Over choices filled with doubt

I don’t know why I’m here

Or where I am supposed to be

Oh won’t you offer something?

Lead the way, and shelter me?

For all I know is suffering

And I want to run away

From that which forces growth

Or brings discomfort and decay

Oh, all of my attachments

Let me know just who I am 

And when they leave me lonely

Fear comes hurling through the dam

But if you could just tell me

When to act and what to do

Surely I can find a way to just

Feel good here, through and through

Perhaps give me a handbook 

To be happy and be just

I’m sure I’d never figure out alone

Just what I must

Without your help and orders

Coming high from up above

I’d be forever lost 

Within this imitated love

For thinking and for feeling

For myself is really tough!

But being taught to listen and repeat -

easy enough

Who knows from where my ideas come

Or to where they surely go

All I know is I feel confident

Enough to say "I know"

And for that I’m truly grateful!

I am accepted by the herd

Of countless individuals

All culled by the good word

My seeds are planted firmly

In the agendas of the few

Who’ve cultivated personality so well

In every, single, cue

Without my even knowing

I took a backseat to my life

Allowing energy to drive me 

Anywhere it likes

Oh, I’m so happy now that I don’t

Have to think or feel!

For I have condemnation, shame, and guilt

To take the wheel

The view is mighty pleasant

From so high up in my nest

In the dream-reality my ego built

So I could rest.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Creation vs. Consumption

When you hold your hands in front of you

Do you want or do you give?

A pair for troves of treasures…

Or the voice by which you live?

For if you cannot say or speak 

Or tell them what to do

An endless empty cup will fill

With globs of endless glue.

To keep you right where you are now

Consuming mindlessly 

In bits of information sent to 

Tell you who to be.

And so your plate will overfill

As body tries her best

To keep your fire burning 

While she cleans up all your mess.

The tricks, the games, the stagnant air

You struggle just to breathe

While asking with your actions

To be riddled with disease. 

Oh, addiction to momentary pleasures

Leaves an arrogant, unsated husk

Convinced it’s more important 

To flail about and turn to dust.

Though your arms will start to tire

As consumption is exhausting!

The waste produced is vast, indeed -

Just how much is this costing?

Now giving comes with freedom

From expense and from within

The eyes will start to soften

As the heart will choose to win.

The fear from ever running out -

It seems to run away 

Connected deeply to the well

Who blesses every day. 

The water seems to spill right out

You’re content to let it flow

And touch the hands of anyone

Who might be feeling low.

The hands that give want to raise up

And dance, and sing, and laugh

For there’s no need to fear 

While simply walking on a path.

What’s needed has always been there

With breaths as long and deep

To make whatever you dream up

Your goals can well be reached!

Make for the sake of making

And give for the sake of giving

No need to take more than enough

Yes, this is truly living!

When you hold your hands in front of you

What is it that you see?

Emptiness or magic…

Longing just to be released?

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Ego

The ego wants and wants and wants

It’s never had enough,

For if you saw the truth of it

You’d give that all right up!

A concentrated practice 

Just for sake of peace of mind?

Your faithful friend will make quite sure

You cannot find the time.

For lack of wanting is the cure

To rid of all your pain.

The joy and sorrow of this world

Well, it’s a silly game.

But quite a fun one nonetheless!

And so the ego aims,

To pull and pull and pull and pull

You back to the charade.

Why look at all the colors!

And the masks and moving parts!

The picture reel of captured frames -

An endless movie starts.

And over and again you feel

You cannot break away.

The thought of being cast aside -

They dare forget your name!

For ego reigns supreme 

In all of modern culture’s tricks,

But deeper down the emptiness

Can never find true bliss.

The boundless love which rests within

Won’t ever wither - still,

With each persona you will find

You’ll never feel fulfilled. 

So give it up, dear fellow souls!

I beg you - find the strength!

And sit with yourself long enough

To open up the gate.

The ego can become a tool

For which you utilize,

The deeper power sleeping in your

Perfect human eyes. 

To free humanity of all his

Senseless, wanton ways

And shed a light on all the doubt,

Confusion, guilt, and shame.

Oh come, brave souls

And light the candle of your beating heart!

The source of timeless, formless love

From which you are a part!

Waiver not for ego

Or for anybody else -

For you have come to save the world,

Now come and save yourself.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Too Much Love

Seems I have all this love to give

I feel, perhaps, I’m overfilled

But what am I to do with it?

When it is only me?

I know I am in everything

I hear the bells and voices sing

But when I look back in the mirror

My face is all there is.

My heart it drowns in all this pain

With every little flickered flame

I send it out to burn again,

Then shroud myself in rain.

And just like this I play this game

I don’t know why, I feel ashamed

A silly girl who’s waiting for some prince

To go and call her name. 

To rescue me, to rescue him

So we can find another whim

To ride along, until the pressure

Breaks upon the wave. 

I’ve read this book so many times

Convinced I’m there, within the lines

Of print and words and stories told

I love it so, yet it grows old.

I know the ending and the start

So little room for me to bloom

But when I close it up

I think, “I’m gone. I never was.”

I know soon I’ll open it anew

And say, “This time I’ve thought it through!”

Then let myself go home to

The blank spaces in the page.

‘Cause that’s where I can write me in

And be the story I want to live

A mother, a lover, a sister, a friend

I’ll keep on writing without end. 

A book which no one’s ever read,

But one they’ll want to read again!

Because of all the twists and turns -

A love that makes their fire burn!

Reminding them that they can, too,

grab hold of their own pen -

Just let that love all pour right out

Believe in oneself, have no doubt!

I’ll walk tall and show the world 

A version of who they can choose to be!

Because I’m all there ever was

The writer, the seeker, the finder, the story

It’s my birthright to live this glory

And be your inspiration.

Dear child, I love you more than anyone could

I’ll wrap you up in all that’s good

And pure, and whole, and light, and warm

I’ll help you weather any storm.

I’ll be the lighthouse at your shore

And then one day you’ll want no more

Because you’ll know you’ve had it all 

Along, right here within this song.

A beating heart which you once chose

Because its rhythm saved your soul

You swore you’d always hold it close

And love was all you’d ever show. 

Oh, now my love, the time has come

For you to beat your silent drum

And rest assured that you will hear

The sound of love in tiny ears. 

And in all of this mind’s creation

The love, the faith, the joy, the patience

With no desire to escape 

Just faith in divinity…

Just love in connection…

Just joy in perception…

Just patience in growth.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

The Day I Said Goodbye in Japanese

I have to let that love for you go

Because you asked me to do so

Now who I really am in here

Will make the clouds all disappear 

I’ll let them all just float away

While I watch, and sit, and stay

And let myself feel warm and full

So they can start to lose their pull

On decisions about who I am

And where the lines are in the sand

Of my being this go around

To stand upon a higher ground. 

Not lose myself within the dream 

Or get caught atop the stream

To sink deep down unto the bed

Where my divinity is wed

To who I am, and who I was

And better still, who I’ll become 

All are one and all the same

Who find themselves within the frame

Of time and space and shooting stars

Of eternal peace and eternal war

Reclaiming myself over and again 

To this moment, to this end

I’ll love myself with all I’ve got

And figure out what I have sought 

In all these girlish fantasies 

And hold myself up to believe

That all is never lost or broken

That all the fleeting, wanting notions

Are just a soup that one can drink

If all one likes to do is think

Instead of feeling “I am home”

And knowing I don’t have to go

This place that lives inside of me

Is always saying “You are free”

So now it is my time to listen

To this name which I’ve been given

See what she has yet to tell

And drink forever from the well.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

I Love You

How do I tell you I love you?

When words are just never enough?

The things I could say -

they couldn't portray

this sensation divined from above.

It shoots through me like morning sun

As it colors the sides of the walls.

I open my eye,

and it starts to rise  

while I'm baring my soul to the fall.

How can I witness such beauty?

When all that I’ve done is exist?

It was written in stars -

we flew out to Mars

when deciding to turn deep within.

Everything in here is magic

Of that I am certainly sure.

I transmute the light -

go into the night,

and you're sitting in front of the door.

Sometimes when I call you can hear me

And I feel your heart beating in time.

But quiet I stay -

words get in the way...

Truly, I never thought they were mine.

Once I ran, and I ran, and I ran

Just to get to a comfortable seat.

And all out of breath -

I set with the mess,

and began to unravel a dream.

Everything comes back to conception

The mirrors are one and the same.

And would you believe -

you’re staring at me,

giving birth to the sound of his name?

Now reverberations bring comfort

As I sit within my violet egg.

And sensing your voice,

I don’t have a choice

but to smile while watching the play.

No expression could even come close

It’s amazing - this beautiful gift!

I’m pinching myself

and laugh at the wealth

I’ve been given to experience.

You wouldn’t believe if I told you

What awaits us on the other side.

Or even today -

if we would just pay

more attention to being alive.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

That’s all I can think of to say?

Well it’s all I’ve got,

but I’ll tell you what -

without words I would blow you away.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Reflections

Mirror, mirror

In my mind

That which I seek 

I too, shall find

This little paper

Tinsel town

Of my mind’s eye

Will surely drown

In all the wanton thoughts

I think

When I’m awake

I’m still asleep

The things all there

In their right place 

The crooked smile 

Of spoiled taste 

 Yes, the painter hides

His masterpiece 

In train cars full

Of broken dreams 

Just like that one

And then the next 

Until we come

To our arrest 

Left without the choice

He will

Allow the thoughts 

To overfill 

And color all the world

Around

Until reality

Is bound

To a single experience

A breath,

A drop,

A gust of wind -

A tiny grain of sand.

A flame -

A name, you speak

In tongue...

And hold within your hand.

A gift from those

Who came before

Yes, they all know

You to your core 

You cannot run

Quite fast enough

To catch up to

The endless love

That’s knit and bound

Within your heart

So you could hear

Right from the start

The story that won’t

Ever end

That’s locked up deep

Inside your head

Behind the thoughts

And broken dreams

You struggle

So that you are seen

And known 

To all who speak your name! 

Immortal souls 

Who play the game 

Risk, reward -

It’s all the same

No definition 

And no aim

So easy come 

And easy go!

Will easiness 

help save your soul?

If you could just

Remember why 

You’re here to live

Before you die 

The mirrors all

Who look to you 

Might start to break away...

Until the face

That’s staring back 

Is unified 

in its attack 

On who you are

And what you see...

A crystal clear 

Version of “me”

Separated from itself 

No longer

using someone else

To fill in lines  

Arranging things 

No, simply letting 

It all be. 

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Wishing Well

Once I threw my last coin into a wishing well

And I heard the metal call back to me

So I cried, and I cried, and I cried

Hoping my tears might fill up the well so that my wishes could all come true

I sat there 

Under a new moon

And completely emptied myself

I wondered if I would always feel afraid

If I would always feel weak

If I would ever stop feeling hungry.

But then the sun came out and dried up all the tears I worked so hard to cry

And I knew it was hopeless

As I lied there in sorrow and let the sun wash over me,

I felt the light shine through me 

I thought I had disappeared!

So I reached my hand out in front of me

And all could see was love

Blinding me

Under a morning sun -

I realized I was never there

That I was the well I was searching for

Always full of water and granting wishes.

All I could hear was the song of my heart

And the children laughing and playing

And the people praying and whispering…

All I could do was sing it out loud!

To whomever would care to listen

In hopes that they too could feel

The warmth of the sun, the blow of the wind, the love of the mountain, and the blessing of the river. 

In hopes that they too could learn to stop throwing their coins in empty wishing wells. 

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Love Me

Love me, love me

Say that you do

For if you tell me

I’ll know that it’s true 

Where am I in this?

And where do I end?

The tip of your tongue

Where stories begin

Hold up the picture

Within your mind’s eye

So I can stay warm 

Yes, I’ll never die

I need your acceptance

And I need your touch

More and more, give me!

It’s Never enough

Just make me believe 

That I’m all there is

That I’m all there is

I’m all there is

There is...

Am. I?

What is this feeling?

It doesn’t give up

Fighting for air

Fighting for love 

But my heart is empty

No longer in pain 

Because I can run 

I win the game 

I can’t stop playing 

And where will I go?

If I’m not within you

I’ll never know 

I cannot see

I have no eyes

So hold me tighter 

Never let go!

Never let go!

Let go! 

Let...

Me. Go?

Which one is which?

Time will tell

Bury my head

Deep in the well

Of wanting. Of needing.

Of being enough?

Feelings are fleeting 

And being in love 

No meaning. It’s space 

Just filled with the sun

So I won’t be empty

Let’s have some fun 

This life comes quickly

And leaves just as soon

Don’t want to waste it

I stare at the moon

Give me the answers!

You heathens! You must!

Come to my rescue!

And promise me thus

To care for me dearly

And leave me to die

For when I see clearly 

I just want to stay open

I want to stay open

Stay open

Stay...

Want. Me? 

Here is the beauty

Here is my essence 

Swallow me wholly 

I’ll teach you a lesson

And we’ll learn together

Just looking intensely 

Into the darkness 

Into the light 

Into our eyes

Into my heart

Into my heart

My heart -

Heart. Am. I... Love?

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Manipulation Equation

Chaos and

Confusion

A new reality

A puppet show

Isolation and

Separation 

I have the answers

Didn’t you know?

Weakness and

Illness

You’re dirty -

All rotten!

Anxious and

Fearful

Obviously,

You’ve forgotten

Narrow and

Fixated

In the palm

Of a hand

Distracted and

Desensitized 

To the being

Of man

Poor and

Poorer 

A great fall

A tough gig

Health and

Wellbeing

This problem

Too big

Powerless and

Desperate

Drinking cupfuls 

Eating mouthfuls 

Crawling and

Fumbling

Around darkness 

With new rules

Seeking and

Searching

For hope

From above

Naive and

Unaware

That it comes

Only from love

Manipulation and

Control

Seek to destroy

Seek to hide

Truth and

Light

Always there -

Look inside.

Harmony and

Balance 

Within us

Without us

Kicking and

Screaming

Will only slow 

The process

Enemies and

Friends 

Are one

And the same

United and

Evolving

Forever playing

A marvelous game.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Knowing

I want to live forever in the sweetness

Of a heart as full as the moon

As radiant and shining as the sun -

The heart which embraces the infant

The wounded, the sick, the helpless

With every bit of confidence and comfort

Knowing all is one.

I want to drink forever from the river

Of blood as nourishing as the soil

As free flowing and graceful as the wind

The blood which gives life effortlessly 

To all who worship its holy temple

With every action devoted to its law

Knowing all is within.

I want to be touched forever by the light

Of truth as clear as the crystal 

As brilliant and illuminating as the rainbow

The truth which doesn’t use words

To dispel, to bestow, to entrust

With every spec of this divine information

Knowing all is known.

I want to listen forever from the sea

Of vibration as powerful as an earthquake

As intense and bellowing as roaring thunder 

The vibration which speaks all into being

A mountain, an oak, a grain of sand

With every stroke bringing more righteousness

Knowing all is wonder.

I want to delight forever in the scent

Of nature as intoxicating as the flower field

As magnetic and captivating as the lily

The nature which plays the eternal dance -

The orchestra, the crowd, the masterpiece

With every curiosity and insight unfolding

Knowing all is possibility.

I want to watch forever from the spaceship

Of a love as bright as the night sky

As breathtaking and beautiful as a woman

The love which shows us all the way

Of living, of being, of ceaselessly creating  

With every motion of purpose and meaning

Knowing all is lumen.

Yes, I want to live forever in the sweetness

Of my heart as full as the moon

As radiant and shining as the sun -

My heart which embraces the infant

The wounded, the sick, the helpless

With every bit of confidence and comfort

Knowing I am one.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Against The Self

Where does all the pain go?

I wonder if it ever leaves the vessel

Which ceaselessly houses and feeds it

Allowing it to act out 

In vain and vengeance

Nurturing and coveting it 

Like a precious stone

Which could be used

In a war

Against the Self

At any moment

Should an opportunity arise.

And where does all the fear go?

I wonder if the well will ever run empty

Which creates dramas and scenarios 

Allowing it to run amok

In panic and disorder

Feeding off and worshiping it

Like some messiah 

Which would deliver us

In a war

Against the Self

At any moment

Should an opportunity arise.

Where does all the joy go?

I wonder if anybody can hear them

Who sing in our ears and raise us up

Allowing us to feel beyond 

In love and wonder

Supporting and encouraging us

Like children of an inheritance

Who could reclaim Heaven

In a war

Against the Self

At any moment

Should an opportunity arise. 

And where does all the courage go?

I wonder if anybody can see themselves 

Who stare in the mirror back at them

Allowing the soul to be visceral

In intensity and presence 

Conjuring and inspiring the work

Like a spirit guide

Who rallies his allies

In a war

Against the Self

At any moment

Should an opportunity arise. 

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

One

I want to share this thing I see

with anyone who wants to be

another version of the person

they’ve been sold they’re

to believe

they are,

they were,

they will become

when it all feels a little numb

and little voices in their head

start queuing up another drum.

You'll know the feeling very well

because the signs & symptoms tell

you that what you have learned

does not hold up

to satisfy

your wants,

your needs,

the endless void

that sits so deep within your heart

it causes pain you can’t explain

away when you pull it apart.

The missing piece is never lost

but searching high and low will cost

some precious time and energy

that could perhaps be better spent

to love

your self,

your health,

the opportunity

to take responsibility

for being human - being here

and now with this ability.

Its implicit beauty (and yours too)

is what I want to share with you

so that you can begin to see

what seems to be important

when you focus your

attention,

energy,

and efforts

into the soup of consciousness

that makes this matrix dance & sing

eternal songs of endless bliss.

But you don’t have to look so far

inside to find that you’re a star

quite literally and burning ultra-light

waves full of endless love’s

deafening vibration -

the sound,

the sense,

the notion that

it’s always been there waiting

for your eyes to close, so your eye could open

and show you how god is creating.

I want to watch the stage play

out with every bit of every day

with you, with our eyes shut so

we can see how absolutely

magnificent

it is,

it was,

it will become

as it unfolds under the sun

and moon and feel the gratitude

that flows forever in the one.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

What Makes A Man

The kind of man

Who comes to me

Won’t be on the back of a horse

A true king delights in nature

But wishes not to possess it

To destroy it

To attach to it.

The kind of man 

Who sings to me

Won’t use words he doesn’t understand

A true artist delights in discovery

Uses creation itself to create

To walk the path

To inspire.

The kind of man

Who touches me

Won’t do so without his entire being

A true lover delights in connection

Without fear or hesitation

To direct himself 

To return to himself.

The kind of man 

Who shares with me

Won’t covet any of our possessions 

A true wiseman knows impermanence 

Rejoices in his relationship

To everything

To nothing.

The kind of man 

Who supports me

Won’t be threatened by my divinity

True power delights in infinite power

Marvels at its original beauty

To be close to it

To kindle it.

The kind of man

Who protects me

Won’t stand in the way of my own strength

True valor delights in growth and freedom

Nurtures it with great care

To remind himself

To have faith.

The kind of man 

Who prays for me

Won’t ask for anything but my beingness to shine 

True love delights in authenticity 

Is not bothered by its jagged lines

To watch it unveil

To keep an open heart.

The kind of man

Who seeks me 

Won’t be bothered by the work 

True mirrors delight in clarity

Appreciate the calmness of still water

To share a life

To tend to seeds.

The kind of man 

Who loves me

Won’t just see me through himself

True partners delight in being individuals

Choose to compliment one another

To live their truth

To reach their goal.

This kind of man

He doesn’t search

He knows I’m there

Within his heart

Coming to bloom

With perfect timing

Great care to detail

And every quality

Reflected in him

Will be so in me.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Storytelling = Selling

Sell me something

I want to buy

You know that look

Where can I get high?

The quiet is maddening

I need pretty lights

To keep me enchanted

All through the dark night

So tell me your story

Appeal to my heart

A doe-eyed consumer

To be torn apart

The tune of emotion

To drown out the sound

Come take a seat

And you will be found!

The lost little souls

All looking for safety

We’ll have them walk tall

While eating insecurity

The show must go on

We pivot with you

So tell me your story!

And how do you do?

The headlines are written

We know what you need

A cold-hard confession

A new beauty queen

Nothing is secret

No, nothing is sacred

Only bought and sold

For printing more paper

So tell me your story!

We never run out

A brand-new identity

There’s never a doubt

What is it you’re thinking?

We’ll give you a clue

With pictures and words

And videos too!

You’ll never be guessing

About how you feel

We’ve got you covered

A spin of the wheel

And all of the music

Will reach to your soul

So tell me your story -

Relinquish control!

A story to write

A story to read

A story to sell

Whatever you need.

[goingdeepisscary-blog]

Him

Oh, my darling morning sun

You smile upon my face

I feel you wanting to say more

My toes look for your grace

I know I didn’t have an ear

The days or two before

But now I’m lying wide awake

And wanting for your lore

Oh, my darling morning sun

So benevolent and consuming

How your breath it frightens me

Setting things for blooming

But the line between love and fear

Is so narrow when you’re near

And the same when you’re afar

My beloved life giving star,

fixed in my imagination.

Oh, my darling morning sun

When you whisper all your secrets

I feel my skin begin to dance

My mind is locked within your trance

Here nothing can harm me

And we laugh together

Knowing we will meet again,

And again.

Oh, my darling morning sun

I know you’ll have to go

The afternoon will beckon you

From hanging here so low

And when you climb your highest

I will watch your greatest work

Safely wrapped in dancing leaves

But in rest I stay alert.