do you think the reason people are harder on daenerys than jon is because her characterization is more ambitious? so much of jon's arc is learning how to follow before he can lead (getting a whole Youre Not All That speech from Donal Noye) meanwhile Dany's pretty gunho about being blood of the dragon once Viserys is gone.
not trying to be flippant, I know there's nuance. we all have personal preferences, partiality to differences in POV voices, interests that draw us to unique storylines, settings, character arcs, etc. I certainly prefer the handling of the Free Folk in Jon's chapters to the Dothraki in Dany's, and personally find the Orientalism and racism in the Essos-based storylines (which belong almost solely to Daenerys) glaring detractions. but what you're describing here - being harder on the female fantasy protagonist for being "more ambitious" (and thus more frustrating/annoying), while liking the male fantasy protagonist who acts as her parallel - isn't a preference that exists in a vacuum.
both Daenerys and Jon are GRRM's responses to the chosen one archetype. it's part of the reason their core characters and narratives are so similar, and why we could spend all day outlining their parallels. but their respective relationships to the Chosen One trope itself are unique, and I don't think gender is irrelevant to that conversation. it informs it.
Jon's character is all about dismantling. yes, he learns to follow before he learns to lead. he is almost immediately stripped of all self-importance in his first few chapters. he's forced to let go of childish notions of individual valor and work with (and for) others. his most iconic refrain is you know nothing. even the supposed source of his hidden specialness, his secret parentage, is a more likely to take him off the path of heroism than inspire him to continue down it. from beginning to end, Jon's story takes the idea of a chosen one and interrogates it, peels it back layer by layer. it's a good deconstruction because we've already seen a hundred chosen ones where that status was never questioned.
this doesn't apply to Daenerys. Dany's story is about subversion; it takes the mantle of chosen fantasy hero so often given to a martial man, bound by duty and the greater good, destined for greatness, and gives it to a young girl longing for home. she doesn't have a character arc where she learns how to follow and take orders, because why would she? when we meet her, she is frightened, powerless, physically and sexually abused by her brother, and forced into a marriage with a man twice her age. Jon might be outcast from his society's titles by bastardy, but he has an amount of safety and familial love that Daenerys - despite having a legitimate bloodline and royal title - has never known. they're in inverse positions, and so Dany's arc is the inverse of Jon's. her refrain isn't you know nothing, it's if I look back, I am lost.
and again, these characters don't exist in a vacuum. there's a reason it feels novel and satisfying for the young male hero to serve and learn humility, to abandon ambitions of glory and work with those around him. and there's a reason it would be borderline insulting to put Daenerys through the same arc. this isn't about not allowing Dany to learn or grow (she certainly shares Jon's arc when it comes to working toward a greater good, and is currently GRRM's standing example of "ruling is hard"). this is about addressing why people think Daenerys, whose character revolves so much around agency and power and how best to use those things for good, needs to be humbled and less ambitious in order to become palatable.
that said, reading this in good faith: I understand where this sentiment comes from, particularly looking at ADWD. for all GRRM's worldbuilding strengths, the racism comes out in full force in the portrayal of Essos, and we never get anything like Jon's growing understanding of the Free Folk's culture. portraying other slave rebellions and revolutionaries should have been a big part of Dany's chapters and could have challenged her in really productive ways... but the Orientalism was never an intentional blindspot for the character; it's the author's biases at play.
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