patient needs neck kisses to survive
The way Shane always melts when Ilya kisses his neck 🥵
i don't do bad sauce passes
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@imnothere180
patient needs neck kisses to survive
The way Shane always melts when Ilya kisses his neck 🥵
Ilya so immediately clocked Shane's little autistic flirting in that Saskatchewan parking lot but I honestly don't think Shane clocked it himself so, years later, when Ilya talks about it as "Shane coming onto him" and Shane goes "hello??? I just wanted to introduce myself??" Ilya just says, "Shane, the apple of my eye, the light of my life, my breeze in a stuffy room, my sunshine in the dead of winter, when have you ever willingly initiated small talk with another person?" and Shane is forced to concede that, yes, looking back, he was flirting.
my most boring headcanon is the vision i have for shane's first birthday with ilya. ilya was always the party planner on the bears, and that usually involved hitting several clubs and an exorbitant amount of money on bottle service. but that does not mean his boyfriend wants the same and he knows it.
they wake up at the cottage. for the first time ever ilya has managed to wake up earlier than shane. shane jokes if this is his gift, to which ilya is genuinely offended. obviously he got shane a real gift. that he will give to him later. anyway ilya took the time being awake early to make shane tea in bed, which steeps while shane goes and brushes his teeth and then is forgotten while ilya gives him very messy morning blowjob. obviously.
it stresses out shane when he doesn't know what his day looks like so ilya tells him, barring some small details for surprises. they have breakfast, and then they do a grueling two hour work out that shane loves dearly and ilya pretends to hate. and then they go on shane's favorite trail and ilya brings trail sandwiches that david packed and they eat lunch with a view and makeout.
they go to shane's parents cottage for approximately two hours and they all play board games and everyone is way too competitive. yuna and david give shane their gifts and then ilya very promptly whisks shane away before it can all get too much and too overwhelming.
when they get back to the cottage ilya tells shane that shane can't come downstairs for an hour and a half and gives him his first gift, which is the latest book which is a scathing tell all about the 2010 winter olympic team that is not out yet and ilya pulled strings to get the ARC for. and then ilya leaves him alone for an hour and a half to set up the rest of the night and shane takes a beautiful bath with his hockey gossip book.
ilya lays out an outfit on the bed for shane (ilya's most comfortable old pair of jeans he never lets shane permanently steal, a soft linen button up shane brought to tampa, shane's favorite costco tube socks) and shane comes down to a hastily cleaned kitchen because ilya is not perfect. and then he's led out to the deck where ilya has kind of haphazardly turned into a fancy restaurant vibe with a white tablecloth on the patio table and flowers he's picked from the late may wildflowers and an electric candle.
(if things were different, i would take you to fancy restaurant you like and blow money on best ginger beer or whatever to spoil you / you think this isn't spoiling me?)
somehow (probably lessons with david hollander while shane was getting his ass kicked at the playoffs) ilya has made a meal that looks like it'd be served at an l.a restaurant. grilled fish and lemon garlic broccolini and oyster mushrooms he knows ilya won't touch but are shane's favorite. it all feels painfully indulgent but ilya insists he looked at shane's stupid diet plan and this basically fits (basically? / it is off season. you can have little bit of butter) but the real star of the show is the mango sticky rice, lord only knows where ilya got fresh mango from this time of year.
it is of course at this moment that shane starts to cry because while he's had birthdays where he knows he's loved, birthdays with his parents and hayden and his team where they shower him with praise and awkward speeches and gifts he has no use for, he's never had a birthday where he's felt so noticed.
ilya just tells him that he's very obvious. other people are stupid not to notice. most beautiful man in the world wants to spend his birthday working out and reading hockey gossip books and just enough time with his parents to not feel guilty. and obviously soon being fucked through three orgasms in his bed while ilya wears lingerie. second gift, obviously. no it is definitely gift for you.
Love how tumblr has its own folk stories. Yeah the God of Arepo we’ve all heard the story and we all still cry about it. Yeah that one about the woman locked up for centuries finally getting free. That one about the witch who would marry anyone who could get her house key from her cat and it’s revealed she IS the cat after the narrator befriends the cat.
Might I add:
The defeat of the wizard who made people choose how they’d be to be executed
The woman who raised the changeling alongside her biological child
The human who died of radiation poisoning after repairing the spaceship
The adventures of a space roomba
Cinderella finding Araura (and falling in love)
I don’t know a snappy description but the my nemesis cynthia story certainly lives in my head
hilariously, these are almost all in my fic tag. so, a compiled list from the notes (and some extras):
The God of Arepo (graphic novel 1 / 2 / 3) (ebook)
The Monster of Sentan
The Witch’s Cat
Raise Both Children
Stabby the Roomba (honorable mention)
Cinderella Marries the Prince (comic)
My Arch Nemesis Cynthia
Pirates and Mermaid
Eindred and the Witch
The Demon King
The Cornerwitch
Grandmother Beetroot
Apocalypse Daycare Worker
Grandmother Accidentally Summons a Demon
New Year Saga
A Story About Changelings
Ranger in the King’s Forest
The Difference Between a Hare and a Rabbit
Goblin Men (Canines)
I am in love with you /p
Adding Faceblind Prince Charming and Cinderella
21. The human who died of radiation poisoning after repairing the spaceship
22. The defeat of the wizard who made people choose how they’d be to be executed
adding the Doctors Without Borders one
I LOVE tumblr storytime, so here’s a bunch more your weekend reading. Enjoy!
24. The Queen with Three Cursed Children
25. Tiny Dragon with one coin hoard
26. Haunted house
27. Shark hero was about to go rogue
28. Grandma lives in the woods comic
29. A Different Aftermath comic
30. Battery (microstory but I love it so much)
31. It’s A Date comic
32. Supervillian kidnaps rival’s kid and they want to stay
33. Narrative Town
34. I have been hired to clean the wizard tower comic
35. Robot Apocalypse
36. The Statues That Do Not Weather
37. Kushiel
38. Tooth Fairy
39. Alien abduction
40. Felonious wish-granting
41. When humans met actual space orcs
42. Space cousins
WAIT REBLOG THIS VERSION INSTEAD
love pulling the whole "loyal knight" thing on my friends because 1. they never expect it and 2. they go along with it every time
"my liege. your royal advisor and i have discussed this grave matter and we concur that you should not continue to commune with your ex regardless of what medicinal herbs he offers you. he is a stinky fuckhead. his presence is a blight upon our kingdom." and they just go yeah youre right and never bring up the whole knight thing even if they take a moment to process it
this is probably the only sex gif i will every reblog, because for some reason i feel like it’s more than just sex. i don’t know if it’s how they’re actually looking at one another or the way they can’t get close enough. he’s actually looking at her like a person and not just a sex object.
but then again, it could be all in my head. i mean, this is how i would want it to be. but that’s just me
i know that ilya's ass is SO dramatic about getting his goodbye kisses after he and shane are together
shane forgets because he's running late for a meeting one day and has to rush out of the door, and he then arrives at the studio for the photoshoot he has booked to see a text from ilya with three different headstone styles with "one of these, i think"
and is just "for?? what??"
"when i am dead from broken heart because my husband does not love me anymore and does not kiss me before i will not see him for twenty years"
"ilya, i will be home in like four hours"
*pictures of two different casket models* "i am thinking the darker wood one, but perhaps that is too nice for your taste now that you do not love me anymore. perhaps you will bury me in cardboard shoe box like sad, dead hamster."
ilya on this video call: *dismissive hand flick* hollander, this is not important. you are stealing my moment. back to what i was saying: red roses, i think, for the wake. i know they mean love and you do not love me anymore, but maybe you can just pretend for the sad people who come to mourn me so they do not turn on you for being the cause of my death-
@onenicebugperday
When I was drunk one night and watching the Jellyfish livestream, I reached out to the Monterey Bay Aquarium with a dumb question about their jellyfish... And they actually emailed me back.
(yes, these are actually my own screenshots, I am in tears laughing)
DO YOUR ANIMAL EXPERTS HAVE TO UNTANGLE THE JELLYFISH
AND THE ANSWER IS FUCKING YES, THE JELLIES GET TANGLED SOMETIMES LMAO
"sharks are older than trees" is technically true, but TIL that sharks were a marginal group until the mid-Jurassic (the middle of the Dino Age, ~200-150 mya), and all modern shark orders first appear around this time.
Before then, a different group of cartilaginous fish called hybodonts were the big apex predators. How were they different than sharks? Mostly because they had "boney" dorsal spines made out of dentine and enamel. Like teeth are. Like where would that tech have gone, if they'd survived and kept evolving for 200 million more years?
TIL that sharks went thru a mysterious extinction event 19 million years ago, when 95% of populations and 70% of species disappeared. Sediment samples go from having 1 shark fossil for every 5 fish fossils, to 1 shark per 100 fish (does that mean that the ocean used to be like 16% shark??)
And there was no big climate change then, or extinctions of other groups! This research is pretty recent and no one has even an educated guess!
Two effects of this:
All of today's big ocean sharks (Great White, Tiger, Basking, etc.) all evolved from coastal sharks that survived this event. And,
Populations haven't recovered. Sharks as a group are still decimated, a shadow of their former selves for most of the last 200 million years.
Posted on the noticeboard outside my uni lab.
[Image description: A sign pinned to a noticeboard, reading as follows:
Lab Rules
Rule #1: Never lick the spoon. Rule #2: Hot glass looks just like cold glass. Rule #3: If you don't know what you're doing, at least do it neatly. Rule #4: Hiccups and pipettes don't mix. Rule #5: Assume all unmarked beakers contain a highly toxic, fast acting poison. Rule #6: You can't detect an odorless gas by smell. Rule #7: If you don't know what a button does, do not push it. Next to each rule is a line drawing illustrating it. End description.]
Ilya Rozanov, service top
1.04 → 1.05 → 1.06
Some old fart retired hockey player goes on ESPN and does an interview where he talks about how gay DEI initiatives are unfair and are ruining Hockey by keeping the good ole boys from getting their chance to prove themselves on the ice.
Ilya, as the captain of the gayest NHL team, is asked for comment on this. Of course, this is half way through the season while the Cens are sitting first in their division and second in the league. So Ilya says, “Ah, yes, I can see how he would think that. It seems unfair that being queer is clearly such an advantage for hockey players. We are just much better players, and having so many of us on one team, while very fun and nice for us, does seem to be putting us above everyone else in the standings. Perhaps more teams could play well if they had gay players? The Admirals are okay, but they only have one and we have four, so it is not quite fair.”
There is a rampant debate online over whether Ilya actually understands that the original comments were homophobic or if he genuinely believes that people think gay guys are too good at hockey. People also start speculating about who the fourth gay player is because Luca hasn’t actually come out publicly yet.
Scott Hunter has to put out a statement that he doesn’t believe his homosexuality has had any impact, positive or negative, on his athletic ability even though he believes being out of the closet and in a fulfilling relationship has made it easier to focus on the game.
Troy posts a tweet that just says “got gayer and got better”
Shane puts up a post with pictures of every time he won the Stanley cup and the caption “I’ve been gay the whole time and I’ve been great the whole time” with a shrug emoji.
Folks, if you've enjoyed shoulder the sky, I hope you'll take a moment to give this a read.
I live on Oahu, in Hawaii, and between March 9 to March 23, two Kona low storm systems slammed into the islands. Oahu's North Shore got hit particularly hard. Residents had to be rescued by bulldozer; the town of Haleiwa was completely cut off by floodwaters. It's a testament to the strength of the community and the first responders on the ground that no one died. I got lucky, only a few possessions of mine got damaged, but I have friends up there who have lost everything.
I was up in Waialua this weekend assisting with clean-up and supply distribution, and while a lot of places are donating materials, the need is just so great- we ran out of diapers larger than a size 3 within the first hour. If you have a few bucks to spare, please consider donating to one of the following organizations who are doing good work on Oahu and the other islands to help communities recover.
Aloha United Way supports disaster response and recovery efforts for individuals and families, as well as nonprofit organizations serving on the front lines.
The Hawaii Agricultural Foundation has launched a relief effort with the Hawaii Farm Bureau Federation to support farmers impacted by the Kona low storms and provide resources for recovery and rebuilding.
The Hawaii Food Bank is holding emergency food distributions for flood-impacted residents across Oahu.
The Hawaii Workers Center prioritizes support for those considered part of Hawaii's working poor, including recent immigrants, low-wage workers, and survivors of labor trafficking.
The Hawaiian Council is matching every donation, dollar for dollar, up to $100,000, doubling the resources available for relief and recovery efforts.
You can find more information about the storms and more places to donate at Hawaii News Now and Honolulu Civil Beat. Mahalo nui!
(Also, as a thank you, if you donate and send me a screenshot of the receipt, I'll write you a lil Star Wars something of your choosing! Minimum 100 words per dollar, but probably longer if I feel inspired- y'all know my word count problems by now.)
Okay maybe I'm too American (I have been accused of this repeatedly now) but the drive between Montreal and Boston is five hours. Probably six on a bad day. In the grand scheme of long distance relationships, especially for people who are used to traveling, that's small potatoes. Meet in the middle and that's a cool two and a half hours. You cannot convince me they never did this. You're telling me Mr. Real Estate Youtube Rabbit Hole never stayed up until one in the morning looking at cabins in Vermont? You're telling me Ilya didn't play around on Google Maps until he found a Park 'N Go off I89 with sufficiently dim lighting and text the address to Shane, no context given aside from maybe Come murder me? You're telling me that Shane Hollander never shared his location with Ilya, got in his car and prayed that customs wasn't busy. Ilya waited two years to fuck Shane, begged him for it the whole time, and you expect me to believe that a halfway bootycall never even OCCURED to him? That's a COMMUTE. That's a DINNER DATE. Ilya drove his prettiest and fastest car to Buttfuck Vermont to give the town its name and then he ate Cracker Barrel pancakes in the passenger's seat of Shane's dumb Land Rover while Shane watched. Round two before they went home. All before the sun came up. It HAPPENED.
stepped on a plum (overripe plum) (barefoot) it was on the driveway got out of the car and accidentally (didn't know it was there) stepped on the plum (warm) (on the ground) (it had fallen from the tree) barefoot (no shoes) wearing long pants (too long) (need to hem them) plum viscera got on them (the pants) unexpected plum on the driveway (hot plum) (97 degrees out) already super hungover (throwing up all morning) (should not have been driving at all) and I stepped out of the car (black car) (97 degrees out) and onto the plum (unexpected) (didn't know the plum was there) and it burst (plum nightmare on my only good pair of sweatpants) still we find ways to keep ourselves going from day to day
guess what post just got read aloud in poetry club tonite by an unknowing club member as I watched on in terror
Achievement Unlocked: Meatspace Containment Breach