Taking the kids trick or treating in the fun neighborhood this year!
Ok but do the guns come with bullets
Claire Keane

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@incrediblytired
Taking the kids trick or treating in the fun neighborhood this year!
Ok but do the guns come with bullets
This was my actual favorite part of working in a theater. People would come in and use a string of words no human had ever uttered and I’d have to be like “ohhhhkay let’s parse this out.”
When we had Moonlight: Moonshine, Moonrise, Midnight, Nightlight, Nighttime, Twilight
My favorite in recent memory, though: “The Big Sick” = “The Fat Bad”
Don’t… Don’t movie theaters have…the names of the movies… Right… There?
Ah, see, the problem here is that you’re making the common mistake of assuming people bother to read anything. At all. At any given point. When in the presence of customer service worker.
me: [posting in the maid gc] yeah my lady screamed at me and threw bottles at my head cus i talked while she was reading her novellas again. any advice
maid 1: poison her
maid 2: yea poison her
maid 3: i have a connect on some really strong untraceable poisons if you want
me: girls she makes me try all of her food before she eats it how am i gonna poison her
maid 1: put it in her mouth while she sleeps
maid 2: ^this. worked like a charm for my sister
maid 3: yeah dm me i have a bunch of techniques that might work
maid 4: have you tried seducing her? maybe she just needs to have her heart warmed so she may show you the kindness you deserve
maid 2: MARY
maid 1: cmon mary
maid 3: just because YOUR lady has sex with you doesn't mean everyone's lady does
me: no wait she does like to put her fingers in my mouth to check if i swallowed her food. and i'm pretty sure she squeezed my ass once
maid 4: yeah exactly. message me i can tell yoy more
maid 3: whatever. if you need the poison just hit me up
maid 5: girls do you know how to get wine out of satin
maid 1: how recent is the spill
maid 5: a few days old
maid 2: you're fucked
Why is it that every time I google something like "Are olives poisonous to cats" the top results are always like "Fun fact: Cats are carnivores! This means that they eat meat. There is no reason to include olives in a cat's diet. You should feed your cat cat food, which is dry or wet food especially designed for cats. You can purchase this at a store." like is there a single person alive on the planet who's googled "Are blueberry muffins safe for cats" because they're planning on switching their cat to a muffin-only diet??? No, I'm asking because the little bastard somehow popped open the packet while I was putting away the groceries and dragged one under the couch before I could react and now I need to know if I should call the after-hours vet. "Cats should not eat spaghetti." NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!!! "Try to keep human food away from cats." i live in a studio apartment with a completely silent and permanently hungry apex predator who has the intelligence of a toddler and the desperate Machiavellian cunning of a creature who spent his formative months on the streets. He can already open doors and he is this 👌 close to learning how to open the microwave. He is stronger than me and covered in knives. So im gonna do my best but for the moment i just need you to tell me whether this yoghurt is going to kill my son y/n
#I live with a small clowder of insane toddlers who are#always and at any given moment#trying to kill me and themselves#i just need to know if whatever they've just done is going to work this time (x)
I can’t remember I ever told y’all about the prank I pulled on my costar the last day of Faire last year, but I’m sad and miss my friends, so I’m gonna tell you again.
Okay so. It’s traditional that on the last day of Faire, the show goes a little off the rails due to the cast’s final-day pranks on each other. Faire management hates it, so we’re not technically supposed to do it, but, like…they never quite manage to stop us.
Anyway, last year, I was playing one of the lead villains. I was the second in command of the viking king, and it took approximately ten seconds for everyone to start shipping our characters. There’s at least one ship every year that gets popular, and that year, it was us. The vibe was 100% “Viking Mom and Viking Dad are getting a Viking Divorce and the berserkers are stuck in the middle of a custody battle.” Like, five minutes after opening gate one day, I had a patron strike up conversation with me about how I needed to get a better man, lmfao.
By the end of the show, my character betrayed the king and joined the Good Guys, and I got this epic showdown with him at the end where I kick his ass and get in a one-liner.
So for my last-day prank, I replaced my usual one-liner by just full-volume screaming, “And the divorce is FINAL!!!!”
The audience, and the rest of the cast, lost their absolute shit.
And @borinquenaqueer managed to take a picture of the exact moment of reaction, in which my costar later told me he actually broke character for a split second and didn’t know how to react because he was just caught so off-guard:
they teach you the golden rule, treat others how you want to be treated, but in a pinch you can apply the silver rule (be kinda selfish because you’ve earned it) or even the bronze rule (manipulate others purely for your benefit).
There's also the stone rule: Just start hitting people.
that’s right
Cain invented that one, I think
Btw, you can donate to menstrual hygiene kits for Sudanese women, which I would highly recommend if you can
https://www.globalgiving.org/projects/padsforpeace/
And here’s another one for IDPs in Kumba-Cameroon
https://www.globalgiving.org/projects/protect-3000-idps-in-cameroon-with-a-pad-and-a-pant/
motherfucker. wait 3 dangerous crow jobs??
You guys are all aware that they trained people for those civil rights protests, right? That the people doing sit ins had to be trained to keep their cool as white people screamed invectives and pouring drinks on them? It was a very organized operation.
One of the greatest lies that recent American history has perpetuated is the idea that Rosa Parks was "just a tired Black woman who wanted to sit down on the bus" and not a motivated activist who trained with other civil rights luminaries and very intentionally got on that bus specifically to get arrested about it.
Can you think of a reason why they might not want you to know that the people staging sit-ins and getting arrested for sitting on the bus were trained and organized?
Panels from the autobiographical graphic novel March: Book One (2013)
It takes skill to fumble when you're this hot. I can strike out with any woman. I'm a 10 and I'm NOT getting any. I'm like a world renowned chef using the best, most high class ingredients to make absolute ass
If you tag a male character on this post I'll fucking block you this is a dumbass lesbians post ONLY
It takes zero skill to fumble a woman as a hot guy, and implying it does takes away from the accomplishments of our hard working lesbians
Now we're fucking talking
The witch of the waste from Howls moving castle (shes a lesbian in my heart) (and yes she is very hot)
they're hiring me at the extra virgin olive oil factory as the oathsworn knight who protects the chastity of the olives
we need to keep this circulating so it can find the people who are about to stay up for 3 to 4 hours
lucina commission from vgen!! 🦋 thank you so much for supporting me (˶˃ ᗜ ˂˶) the commissioner was also so kind to let me use this piece as a future print, so keep an eye out for that sometime soon ♡
in a kill it with your sword kill it with your sword amen mood today
closeup
ufo dog
hey you should ask your doctor about MAOIs. my SSRIs weren’t working so we tried those (i’m on nardil) and it did wonders for my mental health. just saying as a suggestion because based on the fact that you put the fucking onceler on my dashboard in 2022 the meds you take right now don’t work
WHAT