Its Not Crunch Time

not a fan of freud

[vitabreva]

Taking the kids trick or treating in the fun neighborhood this year!

[ragingmasochist]

Ok but do the guns come with bullets

[siderealscion]

[orbsdotorg]

This was my actual favorite part of working in a theater. People would come in and use a string of words no human had ever uttered and I’d have to be like “ohhhhkay let’s parse this out.”

[yunisverse]

When we had Moonlight: Moonshine, Moonrise, Midnight, Nightlight, Nighttime, Twilight

My favorite in recent memory, though: “The Big Sick” = “The Fat Bad”

[biglawbear]

Don’t… Don’t movie theaters have…the names of the movies… Right… There?

[gemstonechronologist]

Ah, see, the problem here is that you’re making the common mistake of assuming people bother to read anything. At all. At any given point. When in the presence of customer service worker.

[swagophile]

me: [posting in the maid gc] yeah my lady screamed at me and threw bottles at my head cus i talked while she was reading her novellas again. any advice

maid 1: poison her

maid 2: yea poison her

maid 3: i have a connect on some really strong untraceable poisons if you want

me: girls she makes me try all of her food before she eats it how am i gonna poison her

maid 1: put it in her mouth while she sleeps

maid 2: ^this. worked like a charm for my sister

maid 3: yeah dm me i have a bunch of techniques that might work

maid 4: have you tried seducing her? maybe she just needs to have her heart warmed so she may show you the kindness you deserve

maid 2: MARY

maid 1: cmon mary

maid 3: just because YOUR lady has sex with you doesn't mean everyone's lady does

me: no wait she does like to put her fingers in my mouth to check if i swallowed her food. and i'm pretty sure she squeezed my ass once

maid 4: yeah exactly. message me i can tell yoy more

maid 3: whatever. if you need the poison just hit me up

maid 5: girls do you know how to get wine out of satin

maid 1: how recent is the spill

maid 5: a few days old

maid 2: you're fucked

[bumblebeebats]

Why is it that every time I google something like "Are olives poisonous to cats" the top results are always like "Fun fact: Cats are carnivores! This means that they eat meat. There is no reason to include olives in a cat's diet. You should feed your cat cat food, which is dry or wet food especially designed for cats. You can purchase this at a store." like is there a single person alive on the planet who's googled "Are blueberry muffins safe for cats" because they're planning on switching their cat to a muffin-only diet??? No, I'm asking because the little bastard somehow popped open the packet while I was putting away the groceries and dragged one under the couch before I could react and now I need to know if I should call the after-hours vet. "Cats should not eat spaghetti." NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!!! "Try to keep human food away from cats." i live in a studio apartment with a completely silent and permanently hungry apex predator who has the intelligence of a toddler and the desperate Machiavellian cunning of a creature who spent his formative months on the streets. He can already open doors and he is this 👌 close to learning how to open the microwave. He is stronger than me and covered in knives. So im gonna do my best but for the moment i just need you to tell me whether this yoghurt is going to kill my son y/n

[variablejabberwocky]

#I live with a small clowder of insane toddlers who are#always and at any given moment#trying to kill me and themselves#i just need to know if whatever they've just done is going to work this time (x)

[renthony]

I can’t remember I ever told y’all about the prank I pulled on my costar the last day of Faire last year, but I’m sad and miss my friends, so I’m gonna tell you again.

Okay so. It’s traditional that on the last day of Faire, the show goes a little off the rails due to the cast’s final-day pranks on each other. Faire management hates it, so we’re not technically supposed to do it, but, like…they never quite manage to stop us.

Anyway, last year, I was playing one of the lead villains. I was the second in command of the viking king, and it took approximately ten seconds for everyone to start shipping our characters. There’s at least one ship every year that gets popular, and that year, it was us. The vibe was 100% “Viking Mom and Viking Dad are getting a Viking Divorce and the berserkers are stuck in the middle of a custody battle.” Like, five minutes after opening gate one day, I had a patron strike up conversation with me about how I needed to get a better man, lmfao.

By the end of the show, my character betrayed the king and joined the Good Guys, and I got this epic showdown with him at the end where I kick his ass and get in a one-liner.

So for my last-day prank, I replaced my usual one-liner by just full-volume screaming, “And the divorce is FINAL!!!!”

The audience, and the rest of the cast, lost their absolute shit.

And @borinquenaqueer​ managed to take a picture of the exact moment of reaction, in which my costar later told me he actually broke character for a split second and didn’t know how to react because he was just caught so off-guard:

[mint-swirl]

they teach you the golden rule, treat others how you want to be treated, but in a pinch you can apply the silver rule (be kinda selfish because you’ve earned it) or even the bronze rule (manipulate others purely for your benefit).

[merelymaple]

There's also the stone rule: Just start hitting people.

[mint-swirl]

that’s right

[6qubed]

Cain invented that one, I think

[violetsandshrikes]

Btw, you can donate to menstrual hygiene kits for Sudanese women, which I would highly recommend if you can

https://www.globalgiving.org/projects/padsforpeace/

[violetsandshrikes]

And here’s another one for IDPs in Kumba-Cameroon

https://www.globalgiving.org/projects/protect-3000-idps-in-cameroon-with-a-pad-and-a-pant/

[alivehouse]

motherfucker. wait 3 dangerous crow jobs??

[phaeton-flier]

You guys are all aware that they trained people for those civil rights protests, right? That the people doing sit ins had to be trained to keep their cool as white people screamed invectives and pouring drinks on them? It was a very organized operation.

[hbbisenieks]

One of the greatest lies that recent American history has perpetuated is the idea that Rosa Parks was "just a tired Black woman who wanted to sit down on the bus" and not a motivated activist who trained with other civil rights luminaries and very intentionally got on that bus specifically to get arrested about it.

Can you think of a reason why they might not want you to know that the people staging sit-ins and getting arrested for sitting on the bus were trained and organized?

[itsoverfeeling]

Panels from the autobiographical graphic novel March: Book One (2013)

[demilypyro]

It takes skill to fumble when you're this hot. I can strike out with any woman. I'm a 10 and I'm NOT getting any. I'm like a world renowned chef using the best, most high class ingredients to make absolute ass

[demilypyro]

[demilypyro]

If you tag a male character on this post I'll fucking block you this is a dumbass lesbians post ONLY

[juneberryjammin]

It takes zero skill to fumble a woman as a hot guy, and implying it does takes away from the accomplishments of our hard working lesbians

[demilypyro]

Now we're fucking talking

[ragingmasochist]

The witch of the waste from Howls moving castle (shes a lesbian in my heart) (and yes she is very hot)

[neenarchive]

they're hiring me at the extra virgin olive oil factory as the oathsworn knight who protects the chastity of the olives

[escuerzoresucitado]

[brionysea]

we need to keep this circulating so it can find the people who are about to stay up for 3 to 4 hours

[r4nchlif3]

[charlikesalmon]

lucina commission from vgen!! 🦋 thank you so much for supporting me (˶˃ ᗜ ˂˶) the commissioner was also so kind to let me use this piece as a future print, so keep an eye out for that sometime soon ♡

[speakthewordonly]

in a kill it with your sword kill it with your sword amen mood today

[parakavka]

closeup

[infinitebrians]

ufo dog

[twistedpictures1-deactivated202]

hey you should ask your doctor about MAOIs. my SSRIs weren’t working so we tried those (i’m on nardil) and it did wonders for my mental health. just saying as a suggestion because based on the fact that you put the fucking onceler on my dashboard in 2022 the meds you take right now don’t work

WHAT

[giltspark]