mental health rant but its not a bad one
quick note: I know i am a good omens blog and I am going to make a proper introductory post for my blog soon so that new followers arent confused when i post mental health and recovery stuff. (btw since ive pinned this rant: MINORS DNI. THIS ACCOUNT IS NOT FOR YOU.) i sort of use this blog as a journal as well as my good omens blog. so just scroll past if youre not interested. i know most people do that anyway lol
also want to add that I like talking about my mental health online because I think its important to spread awareness about it. Its okay to talk about these things and you are not alone in how you feel. so if u ever wonder why I yap about my mental health so much, 1. its because I have bpd so I crave validation anyway lmao and 2. its to destigmatise mental health and suicidal thoughts and borderline personality disorder and all those big ugly words that society tries to make us feel guilty for struggling with. fuck that.
trigger warnings for mentions of suicidal thoughts, negative thoughts, relationship breakdown and issues, breakup, heartbreak, severe depression, bpd symptoms, trauma responses, childhood trauma, self harm mention, eating disorder mention, drug and alcohol mention. its just my story. its a rough one hahah
not being in a relationship and finally being out of immediate crisis, like...feel like i can finally breathe. feel like I can finally start properly healing.
my head feels clearer and im learning what my triggers are. im taking positive steps forward every single day even when it doesnt feel like im doing much. even small ones. like, for example even just me eating something small is a win. just me walking to the shop or filling out one form or sending one email is a win.
sometimes I do have a setback. sometimes a big one like drinking. or relapsing in self harm. but...I get back up. like my favourite resilient demon, I keep surviving. and ive realised recently that...i actually just wanna fucking live now. build a life i actually enjoy. and i never ever thought id have that.
this is heavy so trigger warning for suicidal ideation: but...I have had chronic suicidal ideation since I was a child to be quite honest. first I didnt expect to make it to 14. then it was 16. then it was 18. then it was 21. then 23. then 25. and honestly? sometimes I do genuinely feel like i'll be part of the 27 club. so the idea of a future i might actually like? terrified. especially bc that future doesnt involve the love of my life because shes not here anymore. but whilst I was convinced during my crisis after the breakup id never ever be able to carry on without her, convinced I was actually going to die and begging for so called "professional" people to help me, I kept going anyway. I came close a couple times. wrote notes. but...I stuck it out. and now here I am, only a month later making plans for uni 5 months into the future. a 6 year plan to study and get a degree.
and thats just- fuck, thats fucking insanity honestly. ive never ever planned this far into the future before. its terrifying. I didnt ever think id even want that. but I do. I do want that. I want an education. I want a career i'll love. i want fulfilment and stability and I want to learn more about history and art and english and poetry and mythology and all of what just makes humans tick.
I am genuinely really excited for it. my anxious and suicidal brain keeps trying to get me to cancel. telling me im not smart enough. im stupid. i'll fail. i'll be in debt for the rest of my life. i wont be able to do it whilst juggling everything else im currently dealing with but my logical one is like "nope shut the fuck up. youre not winning this one for once". because october is 4 months away and its taken me a month to completely turn my life around, imagine what i can fucking do in 4? ive got plenty of time to prepare. sort my head out. get my finances sorted. im gonna be fucking fine
so yeah. im doing okay. it doesnt feel like it most days but I write stuff like this to remind myself that its not all bad like my brain is trying to make me think. good things are happening to me. its just being slow.
my angel leaving wasnt the end of the world even if it felt like it was for a very long time. even it felt like actual armageddon was happening inside me. even if I still sob into her hoodie. i'll still dust myself off again and carry on like I always do.
healing isnt linear. ive come to find that when you start to heal and process your trauma and everything youve been through and your nervous system finally comes out of survival mode...it fucking hurts. its messy. its awful. it feels like youre on fire all the time. the emotions are so intense. everything is intense. you cant do the things you used to. you get more overwhelmed. you're more sensitive. you cry ALL THE FUCKING TIME but all of that is signs your nervous system is finally finally healing itself.
this started happening to me when I first moved into my flat and my nervous system registered that it was finally safe for the first time in...ever, really. i had my own flat. i didnt live with anyone else. i was completely on my own and I just broke. I collapsed. I sobbed harder than ive ever sobbed. I could finally release all of these intense emotions and feelings inside of me that id kept buried underneath alcohol and drugs and dissociation for years. literal years. I was free. there was no one who was gonna yell at me. no one who'd mock me or call me names or belittle me. no one who'd abuse me when I came home drunk. no one who would invalidate me or trigger me. I could fully unmask and it was...horrifying. it was so scary. I thought I was completely losing my mind. ive always had bpd and autism but not diagnosed yet so i would mask to fit in. hide my emotions. make myself palatable to other people. drink alcohol. suddenly i wasnt doing that anymore when i moved into my flat. i didnt need to do that. and it was so fucking scary.
I was with angel at the time. we would talk on video call every day and she had to witness me completely breaking down every single day. suicidal thoughts. a stay in a crisis house. a severe eating disorder relapse (that i didnt even realise i had an ed until i slowed down and had the safety to properly look at my eating history) constant need for reassurance. pushing her away because I was convinced i was being a burden and she'd leave me.
honestly sometimes I really dont blame her for leaving in the end anyway. other times I admire them for staying as long as they did. but most times I just feel extremely sad and distraught at the fact that that version of me is all she'll fucking remember me by. even if we had so many good memories on my good days, I feel like the shit i was going through and then add her own mental health issues on top of it has just...tainted it all. because she was dealing with so so much and I was too busy drowning to see it and it hurts when i think she'll never know the true healed version of me. shes never gonna know im gonna be a student. shes never gonna know im helping myself. shes never gonna know what im studying. i wont be able to yap to her about it. I wanted them by my side for my recovery. I wanted to be there for their healing too. we could have been an us.
but anyway...getting myself off track. what the fuck was i saying? ngk goddammit, get out my head angel.
fuck. lmao, I was trying to say im getting there. one day at a time I keep telling myself. one hour at a time. one minute. im rebuilding myself slowly and carefully because I cant handle anything else. yeah I still do maladaptive behaviours. yeah im still self destructive. yeah im isolating myself from people to avoid abandonment. yeah im terrified of trusting anyone ever again because everyone ive ever trusted left me, yeah im dealing with intense emotions every day that feel like 3rd degree burns, but...idk I can experience these things and still be worthy of good things. I can do these things and still be worthy of love and care and compassion. i dont have to be completely healed in order for this to happen.
im not a monster. im just scared all the fucking time.
honestly im just trying to be more independent now and I really have realised that no ones coming to save me. no ones coming to fix me. only I can do that. and I feel like after months of crisis, ive really only just properly started recovering. fully. like on my own.
being in a relationship was definitely bad for my mental health. like whilst it was nice having someone there whilst I was going through my shit, the bpd brain just latched on to her and it became suffocating for both of us. especially because shes got her own mental health issues and trauma too. I was constantly afraid of abandonment. she couldnt communicate her needs. I was clingy. she ignored her own boundaries. I was anxious but then id be avoidant and I was constantly pushing her away then pulling her back because of my attachment style which taught me that love is unpredictable and will disappear. she would feel extreme guilt and shame over slightly upsetting me. i would feel extreme guilt and shame after splitting on her. a maladaptive coping mechanism my brain has developed to protect me from perceived abandonment. it makes me go from completely worshipping someone to devalueing them in an instant. and we always feel intense guilt afterwards that make us feel like we're unlovable and unworthy and bad people. its hard.
and yeah it sounds so toxic when i lay it all out like this. but it really wasnt. because despite these hardships, there was compassion and understanding for these behaviours. there was patience and safety. validation and most importantly, there was love.
the relationship...it really was a healthy, safe one. and thats probably why i got so attached. it was my first ever safe one. the first person to ever try to understand me. unfortunately we were just two people with way too much trauma and bad coping skills and we just...accidentally hurt eachother. its not our fault these are things weve learnt over the years to protect ourselves from danger.
we genuinely did love eachother so so much but yeah... honestly it was making me crazy and the aftermath of the breakup was just...diabolical. horrifying. traumatising. and i was completely on my own for it because nobody helped me. and whilst i understand why she left and agree now that it was probably a good thing, we were far too codependent on eachother, it doesnt erase the impact the breakup had on me. losing my safe person so suddenly was so completely devastating I didnt know if I would even survive it.
but im glad im finally seeing clearly now. and im doing the work all by myself. downloading a dbt app, ordering a dbt workbook, watching videos online about attachment styles, cleaning my flat, sorting out my student loans and uni, im gonna be looking for a part time job soon, sorting out disability benefits for my mental health and my mental health treatment.
just all these things and im doing it by myself. not even seen my key worker in weeks. the nhs have done nothing for me (still advocating for myself though. the amount of emails ive sent my team is insane). I have pulled myself out this wreckage BY MYSELF.
a month ago I didnt even think id still be here today to write this. a month ago I was begging for a ward because I didnt trust myself or feel safe at home. a month ago i was so unwell i was extremely paranoid all the time, i was lashing out constantly, hurting myself everyday and even seeing things out the corner of my eye and hallucinating feeling bugs crawling on my skin. thats the truth of it. that's how bad it got. and no one helped. so i said fuck em. and i fucking got back up on my own.
so this is a big fuck you to everyone whos ever called me useless or made me feel incapable or invalidated. if youd been through even just half the stuff ive been through, you'd be wondering how im even standing here right now.
im just focusing on myself now. no relationships. none of that. I miss her but im not letting it hold me back anymore. ive done my wallowing. now its time to keep going. just pure recovery and healing and moving forward with my life one minute at a time.
and if june 2025 levi could see me now he wouldnt fucking believe it.
thanks if you read this. it means a lot 🖤✨️
