All of My Love To You, Ace
Since I first saw your beautiful face in that documentary I knew I was yours. And then from the start of this fandom you put me through an intense roller-coaster ride of emotions. You made me feel a lot of things for a man I never knew. In such a short amount of time you became probably the favourite if I'm really honest with myself. You brought me a wonderful distraction through your humour, tales, laughter, music and annoying Paul lol. I loved you even more with those fics and made connections because of you though now...they are no more. You brought me some joy in a very short amount of time. I started to write again because of you and Paul. I became more active in my interests, making edits and collecting so many fucking pics and videos and posted stuff of my own because of you. I wished that joy had lasted a little longer.
God, I think about you too much. I care about you too much. Honestly, more than you deserved.
I'm so glad I had pushed myself to see you playing in YOUR city last year. I did not want to regret seeing you play. I got to see you in your not-so perfect glory and you were so well behaved that night. It was special to me. I got to see the iconic smoking guitar up close with your adorable hello kitty shirt. I only regret never having the chance to meet and hug you. You seemed to be in such good spirits. I'd like to remember you that way.
I don't wanna remember all the “sources” and rumours of your life. I wish for them to not exist. Those private details? Fiction. I don't wanna know. I only wish to know what you and your family, loved ones and your bandmates (the OGs) wish to share publicly because that's what was important.
Selfishly, I wanted to see you come to Canada to play. You haven't played in my country since the early 2000s. I remember you said you wanted to come by last year and I'm distraught that will never happen again. I really wish I got into your music sooner...then maybe I would have made more memories with you.
As I write this I still can't believe you are actually gone from this earth. It shouldn't be this way at all. How could you be so active one minute and then gone the next? It's unfair.
I don't know how anything can go on without you. I've lost the drive to create and share anything now that you've flown away. I think my time here has come to an end.
I wish I could say I had the privilege of meeting you but I didn't have the means or the luck. Despite living relatively close to you, we had a border between us. I wish I had a special story about you...something I could hold close to my heart forever and share with no one.
I had wanted to see you again in March this year. I had simply thought it was just the border and money that was keeping us apart or fucking BS but not your death. I had foolishly hoped I could have seen you again if i stayed with a relative in the states. Now all those dreams have been crushed under the weight of your passing.
All I have left of you are my guitar picks (which I wish were thrown by you), my recordings and memory of the first and sadly last time seeing you play.
A couple of days before shit really hit the fan I saw a funny alien patch and wanted to get it simply because it reminded me of you...thinking...maybe I could show you it...even gift it to you. I had a lot of unrealistic fantasies and dreams about you.
I am thinking of so many things I regret. I regret I dunno...something stupid. In the summer of 2023 I bought this alien shirt from an independent designer and it reminded me of you. A part of me thought I should have worn that shirt instead of the KISS one when I saw you because I thought maybe you would have noticed it and liked it. :/
You were born with the rockstar gene. You had the natural swagger people envied. You were the guy everyone wanted to be. You were the coolest, the sexiest and fuck – you made a very pretty alien.
You're so fucking magical.
God, I'm gonna miss lovingly roasting your m&gs pictures..that everlasting bronx accent...calling you my sweet quokka because of your soft adorable face. I really enjoyed being in my own head coming up with funny ideas about you.
Man, what I wouldn't give to hear your laugh again.
I'm gonna miss your whacky interviews, sharing things you shouldn't be saying, being a silly old man…bickering with your bandmates while still loving them all the same.
I've cried so much because of you; I've lost so much sleep because of you. And here I can only offer you the ramblings of some crazy guy who you saw in the audience (I was right at the stage) but had no idea I was indulging in gay fanfiction about you lol.
Through the little time, I've seen you prove to yourself and others that despite what anyone and even you have said — you were NOT lazy. You worked yourself to the bone, album after album, constant touring and interviews. You still had that fire in you and I'd like to think you had it til the end. You've endured so much. You lived a very hard life.
I just wish you took better care of yourself. I wish you surrounded yourself with better people.
I honestly thought you would live til your 90s. You had said yourself you would. I knew you were a very old man and yet it feels like you were too young to go.
I hope you get to reunite with all the friends that have gone before you.
I remember in an interview years ago you said you wanted to be remembered as a fun loving guitarist/rockstar...or something like that and I hope you knew you would be remembered for a lot more than that.
I'm sad we'll never get that origins 3 you were actively working on but I'm so grateful you left us with an awesome record. And hey, the most recent record out of the 4 of you. You should be proud of that. Alas....you decided it was time to return to Jendell. You said you wanted to travel to Mars and now you shall...maybe you'll orbit earth from time to time. You don't need NASA to grant you that wish anymore.
Rest Well, Ace.
