Emily Dickinson's lesbian sidechick

ummmm hi I thought I'd finally post some of my poetry that I've written over the past 18 years of life because maybe other people will enjoy it? some nsfw language but not much, plenty of wlw, and some fandom stuff but mostly personal. (icon source: http://charminglyantiquated.tumblr/com/post/92698552078/a-little-love-story-about-mermaids-and-tattoos)

[janeaustensbitch]

a dianetti poem (circa S4 finale)

A/N: hi. So, as many people are, I’m feeling a lot of feelings about Gina leaving the 99, and her and Rosa being separated ;-; I stumbled on this poem from 2017 about the last time they were separated (when Rosa went to jail). It’s based on an AU-ish were the two of them used to hook up in Babylon (I mean, the show doesn’t confirm the DIDN’T <_<) and of course had Secret Feelings. I mean, isn’t it kind of weird how they both rushed into relationships in S.4- Rosa literally broke up with Marcus because she didn’t want to get married, and Gina was super grossed out by Sharon’s pregnancy and her going into labor, but suddenly Rosa’s engaged and Gina’s pregnant? It’s whack. ANYWAY.. I also read this fic where they had a romantical moment after babysitting Cagney and Lacey, but both freaked out. So that could fit too. Anyway, yeah. Sorry. This is based on all that and an alternate courtroom scene [Gina POV].

We pushed away from each other,

pulling the floor with us,

and filled the new distance

with people to hide behind 

and boulders to block

each other’s gaze

each other’s gaze

We pushed away from each other, pretending

we were forgotten- i.e. nothing-

We pushed each other away

because that’s the truth of it

until the day

the universe joined in; then

We looked at each other

full of horror and longing

and I remembered

“I love you”.

I had never said it

before the universe put a concrete & plastic wall

between us

And I saw you

the words “I love you too” on your lips

as they pulled you away

and shut the doors

[janeaustensbitch]

Hydraponics (5/30/18)

My heart is overgrown

And if I tried

To cut some pathways through it

I’d die

Suffocated by the foliage

Wrapped in the saccharine sinews

Of the morning glories

Pricked and scratched

By all manner of tyrants-

Brambles, roses, blackberries

A cruel remnant

Of purple-stained youth

You’d call it a tragedy

I’d call it ironic

My heart is overgrown

And it won’t let me tame it

Nor will it let me water it

with salty tears to scorch the earth

Without nutrition or sunlight

The tangled garden will not die

Water it steals from my throat

I am parched and choking

Sunlight it steals from my eyes

I cannot see but it is tainted with shadow

Nitrogen it steals from my lungs

Unending and inopportune

I gasp like a fish

Feeling the air but unable to taste it

Carbon it steals from my cells

My sinews and skeleton

I am left a drained husk

Vegetating in the darkness

Unable to do more

Than chase the dimples of starlight

Through my eyelids

And silent gasp out ragged breaths

Around my overgrown heart

Knowing

I cannot let it escape

The confines of my chest

I cannot let any in

They’d cut their hands

Without the tools I can’t give them

And the earth would drink their blood

Like Sangria

And further fill the forest

Or else they’d recoil

From the bitter fecundity

Either way

Opening a window into my chest

Means feeding the thing inside it

Air

And then I know

It would over take me

I sit

Around and inside my garden

My overgrown heart

Arms locked in a vice

Of vines

Looking for comets to trace

In my imagination;

They’re all helicopters.

[janeaustensbitch]

Sitting on the starting line for days (6/4/18)

Is it better

To die with things unstarted

Than to die

With things begun and yet

Unfinished

No loose ends to tie

No humiliating defeats

Just a vice of cowardice

Around your neck

Either way

The disappointment is the same

But would it not be

That much bitterer

To fall from hope

Than just to sink

Through hopelessness

[janeaustensbitch]

Aaron Traywick Syndrome (5/3/18)

(A/N: he’s that rich guy that died in a sensory deprivation tank)

I can feel it

Disappearing in me

Something

Whatever it is

That’s been keeping me grounded

Alive

A litany, a war cry, a mantra

Of variations on “I wish I was dead”

Spin their way through my mind

Endlessly repeating

Like the scroll at the bottom

Of a newscast 

You just can’t wait to end

None of the labels fit me anymore

If they ever did

I outgrew them

Quietly gaining discomfort

Like cellulose

Nothing fits

Bereaved?

...

Gay?

...

What about dysphoria?

No.

You don’t get to use that word

It doesn’t belong to you-

Then what does?

It’s in the common vernacular

This need to die

My generation is all fucked up

Depressed and anxious

And broke as shit

And I have been all three

For years on years on time

I can sit

In my pool of unknowing

Right there in the sun

And no one bats an eye

To their credit

That’s not fair

If I sit in a pool

Of my fears and questions

On the front lawn

I am covered up

In a bathing suit and a hat

Spilling nothing

It is not fear

Or anger

Or sadness

That scares me now

I have been all of these

I still feel them

No; what scares me

Is the emptiness

The ease with which

This urge to disappear

Slips into the ending of every thought

The answer

My neurons supply

To every question

I feel the sun

I photograph the flowers

I marvel at girls

I tweet out jokes

But “real-talk” is hard

And on the inside

I feel myself drowning

Dissolving

With no answers

No words to voice

The questions

No structure to my soul

No drive

Not cellulose- a cell wall

It has abandoned me

I’m spreading apart

Filled up

With lonely discomfort

Osmosized from nowhere

Choking

On nothing

I worry someday soon

My soul won’t even recognize

My name

[janeaustensbitch]

I can’t be better so I’m going to be miserable (2/19/18)

These walls

Of self-hate

I’m building around myself again

It feels like a box into which I fit

It is familiar. It is safe.

If I swallow the darkness

I control it

I become it

It devours me.

I am horrible

I know I am horrible

I feel horrible

And for once

The world makes a sick type of sense

And for once

I am alone

Free from hurt, free from hurting,

Selfishly apathetic

Chained only to myself

Sinking into the dark lagoon

Holding my breath, feeling the high

Of pressure making my brain buzz

Here no one can touch me

No one can tell me I’m wrong

For thinking I am wrong

I am alone

It is quiet

Except for the booming cacophony of my own thoughts

They are my old friends

They poison me

They push down on me

They pull my chains tighter

I let them

I am powerless

No one controls me

No one can reach me down here

In the bed I have made for myself

The pillows that whisper, affirm

My deepest fears

Know my darkest secrets

No one has power over me

In my bastion of contempt

And I surrender power

To the inky waters

I feel every ounce of pain they squeeze from me

And it is familiar

It is absolute

I curl up in my desire to die

And pierce my dead soul

With every empty thought

Turning festering splinters into weapons

To inflict just one fraction

Of that death

I deserve.

There is something so addictive

About self-hate

[janeaustensbitch]

*sigh* what am I even doing (10/11/17)

A/N: this is ExR from Grantaire’s perspective so it has a lot of mythology references & gay self-loathing. Dedicated to victor Hugo but also fuck that guy

Is he Icarus?

No; he is the Sun

Apollo clad in gilt

Bringing unknowable divinity to pathos

Tracing bright futures

And intractable ideals

Across the cloudless sky

The hardest cynic

Could deny him nothing-

Yet Phoebus gazes forward

Never to Thamyris at his side

Who would play at challenging a god

But would follow him

Deaf and blind.

Divine passion, rogue idealism

The drive to motion in his stillness

His unearthly fervor for change

Impossible, implacable, invulnerable

His mind is not of his body

It is of the heavens

And humanity’s better nature

He could drive much greater men mad-

And there are few lesser than I

It is perhaps wretched to be he

Skin of marble and touch of fire

All godly brain and human heart

Amplified by ten thousand suns

Buried in his soul

To look on him

Is blinding, burning torment

To look away

Is imperative as it is impossible

He burns

With righteous faith and fury

Too pure to be mortal

Too stirring, too perfect

He can see the worst in the world

And reach for it with a lyre-man’s fingers

Fearless, determined to reshape.

I guard my heart

He looks at me with frustration

And moves on-

But in my blood I know

He is a god

And I am only human

He seeks to stoke the fires

In the forge that made man

Hangs the sun in the sky

To illuminate the horrors in the darkest corners

He will lose himself to his quest

For absolution;

To burn and bleed with him

Is my craven craving for redemption

He is Apollo- 

And I am an Icarus:

He seeks to fly

I seek to burn

[janeaustensbitch]

I don’t like sleeping these days (10/9?/17)

A/N: based on a literal dream I had about my best friend from childhood. We haven’t been friends or even talked in a loooong time, but I’ve had two dreams about him (just friendship dreams, I'm still gay) this week so maybe posting this will help :/

If some dreams are glimpses

Of alternate realities

I hope they are the dreams

Where we are still friends

And your little brother and I

And my little cousin

Did everyone's laundry

And a dog chased me around

A beach house we all were renting

Before a giant frog showed up

And I made Donald Trump cry

And a man wouldn't stop yelling

And my grandma laughed at me

So yeah

It wasn't exactly a daydream

Or a nightmare completely

I woke up confused

And vaguely sad

But it's a dream I cling to

As a hopeful alternate reality

Because you and me are in it

And we're close again

[janeaustensbitch]

QueeR Streets of Teenage Un-ambiValence (aka Post-Deluvian)(1/31/18)

A/N: I wrote this at 5am after/during an all-nighter and I think I was angry about something but I can’t remember what. Oh also credit to Troye Sivan for the quoted lyrics in the third stanza (from “Youth”)

What am I missing?

I often walk these streets in the rain

Slowly, to soak up the joy and the pain

Lose my conscious mind in the roaring quiet

Find my fellow humans in the busy anonymity

But when I step inside

Sit with my coffee by the window

And un-encrypt my electronic portal

To the World At Large

Nothing has changed-

What am I missing?

Time after time, my lowered expectations

Are betrayed by heightened hopes-

Like those of children, who must love falling

For they keep on climbing trees.

No matter how many times it does,

 it’ll “never happen to me”;

And isn’t there a primal delight

In blood running from your knee?

It’s proof of life

Tired muscles, steel bones

They’re beams that weaken with each break

“Mortal bodies, timeless souls”-

But is there a limit? Can our time be exhausted

By internal empathy and external apathy

Entropy, atrophy, dysentery

It’s hard to be gay in America-

Hey! What a novel concept

It’s hard to be a teenager, awash in dirty headlights

Neither cleaned nor dissolved by the deluge

[janeaustensbitch]

POEM: Three-chambered heart (7/31/2015)

Ksschk, Ksschk, Ksschk, Ksschk, KRRRYK

*pause for a beat, ba-dum, ba-dum*

Ksschk, Ksschk, Ksschk, Ksschk...

In his suite, the groom paces,

The mind races, restlessly boring,

Wearing him a path to China

Or whatever fucking country

Is across the world

From where he paces ksschk, ksschk, ksschk, ksschk

*Ksschk, Ksschk, Ksschk, Ksschk*

Shhhn, hsssssh, Shhhn, hsssssh,

The groom grinds away

At his bootless labors, inventions,

Not knowing -how could he know?-

The best man's ears are open,

Back against the wall,

Head back, neck supple, no metal left

Knees haphazard, spread, disjointed,

Apparent apathy belying aching pain

No, cold fire burning, hidden

Bones, muscles, heart, aching, dying

To reach through the wooden wall

He can practically see through

Transparent in his haggard eyes

Cornered or distraught, desperate

A plaintive mother panther in a zoo

Desperate for its trainer or it's cub

Who mustn't learn, willn't ever learn

How much she cares under the pelt

For risk of revealing, killing them,

She only yearns through glass, eyes

Pleading for entry, pleading for life

And love to be given, if not felt

In a dolled up suit, glossy, shiny hair

Jacket left to the wastes of time,

The perfect picture of grief and angst

Sorrow and regret, empathy, apathy

*Ksschk, Ksschk, Ksschk, Ksschk*

~Shhhn, hsssssh, Shhhn, hsssssh~

Klnnk, Klnnk, Klnnk, Klnnk, klnk

Here comes the bride, dressed white

A vision of loveliness, of fruitless

Sorrow, bootless concern- a perfect perversion

Of the smiling, ebullient bride

On the night before her wedding

The best man looks up, she's like

An angel, full of serene calm, pity, 

But worry buried in the furrows of 

Human eyebrows betrays the heart

He crumbles, like a skyscraper,

In an instant, and she descends

Bearing the weight of the world,

The cares, and fates, inevitabilities,

Their fucked up three chamber heart

That can no longer pump blood,

Trying, hiding her bones breaking,

Hiding what she sees, what she feels

And they sit, bride and best man,

Adrift in a sea of mellow golden light

Ribbons, carpets, striped wallpaper

And she cradles him silently, (sssssh)

As he cries silently (hicnnn, hicnnn)

As silently they fall apart, in their own ways

In an empty hall outside a locked door

Listening to Ksschk, Ksschk, Ksschk, Ksschk

For the groom thinks the best man

Is in love with the bride

And the bride knows that really

He's in love with the groom

[yellowgays]

To the graceful dead (Tasha/data/geordi, geordi POV)

If we only love once

Well then I’m screwed

Cause I’m in love with a man

Who once loved you

His eyes are gold as lemons

Cybernetic fruit

They’re bright and clear as liquid

Silicon vermouth

I know he keeps your image

In a polyhedron on his desk

He says his heart don’t beat, but I

Know you’re buried in his chest

You’re dead and I’m still standing here

Bumping into your memory standing near

Staring at an image in the mirror

The opposite of you

He’s the light in my life, the star in my sky

The electric spark running through my circuit

His beautiful quirks make my heart race

But a positronic brain can’t forget

He’s by my side nearly every day

And I’ve helped him to know, to see

But you’ve had him in a way more “intimate”

A way I dream about in our lazy days

Lazy days of maintenance in Jeffries Tubes

Playing violin, painting his cat

Holonovel after holonovel, drink after drink

What could be better than that?

I’m not fooling you, am I?

Tasha..

Some people believe you get one chance

One soulmate, one other half 

Well he’s half of my heart, my soul, my sight

But you loved him first- and left him an epitaph

If wishes were cats his would be to love me

And we’d kiss under alien skies 

But I’ll content myself with friendly touches, furtive gaze

Under the shadow of your ghostly eyes

He says androids cannot love

I know it cannot be true

Cause I’m in love with my best friend

And he’s still in love with you 

[janeaustensbitch]

Ode to a Jellyfish (7/25/17)

Oh jellyfish

You gelatinous umbrella

I envy thee;

Thy noodle-like tendrils

Transluscent

Thy seemingly-smooth mushroom cap

Deceptively mellow;

Thine only purpose, goal, and responsibility

To drift-

To shimmer elusively

Stinging arms elegant

As an Oscar nom’s dress sleeves

And to float along the currents

As they take you

Through the velvet ocean;

Oh you jellyfish,

Nature’s first and favorite child

You organic button with gallant ribbons

Nature did all the work for you

Does it all for you

Carries thee, cares for thee

Gave thee stingers for protection

And predation;

For thy life

Within the veil of marine hydration,

Without which you are pathetic

But within which you are allowed

To remain,

And for thy pearlescent form

And effortless danger

I envy thee,

Spoiled drifter

Of the depths & shallows

[janeaustensbitch]

Do all sapphics feel this lonely?? (9/5/17)

I love you as the moon loves the earth

Pulling at your ocean pigtails

Like the ceaseless tides

Because I cannot bear the thought

Of being nothing to you

I am the moon

Constantly orbiting in darkness

I must keep myself in your skies

Even as a nuisance

Even as a dream

Even as a cheap light

For dissolute poets to fuck under

Just as something

To light up your mind's eye

At nighttime

It may be selfish

It may be immutable

I am drawn to you

I love you eternally

And must be in your life

Even a little

Even as a reflection

An echo

Of greater loves, greater fears

Even as moonlight

On the trodden earth

[janeaustensbitch]

Icarus (4/29/16)

[A/N: dedicated to my uncle Shaun]

Icarus

Light up the sky

With embers of your feathers

Soar towards that light beguiling

Dazzle us with your disaster

Cry your sorrow, Phoenix Icarus

Make them tear their teary eyes away

From watching that familiar arch

Of youth falling from the heavens

Possibilities burning

With the dreams of flight 

Give yourself to the light, the heat

Though it dooms you

Reach those immortal heights

And burn yourself in the atmosphere

You will still fly higher

Than any other mortal soul

With tears we'll tell the young

How beautiful was your flight  

Icarus

Some were born to fly

But not to land

[janeaustensbitch]

Ugh coldflash stuff, way too long, Len’s POV (12/10/15)

[A/N: as you can probably tell by the title I'm kind of over this poem lol, but I still like the imagery and coldflash was very important to me. Fandom: Arrowverse/Legends of Tomorrow/The Flash, pairing: Barry Allen aka the Flash x Leonard Snart aka Captain Cold aka Len in a lot of fic]

A hollow heart is all

I was given;

Or perhaps I carved it out

With my bloody hands like diamonds

Mining, fracking flake by flake

Vein by vein

Till I was free and could breathe again.

Perhaps I took the pieces of my iron-rich heart meat

And forged them, melted them in the heat,

Tempered and shaped into iron armor,

And put it back; because maybe an iron, hollow heart

Was better for surviving my universe

Than a heart that felt too much.

Ice cold touch, ice cold heart

Sapping the energy, the life, the heat

Between the particles of any who ventured near

Absolute zero was my natural state

Sharp, cold clarity, order, power

To laugh while adding to the chaos all around me

A rabbit in a blizzard.

No light- no need

What does the cold seek

But the dark?

Then there was you:

A new epoch began

With a heart I couldn’t freeze or phase through

And I didn’t want to

I want to crush on you so hard

That universes shiver

And the galaxy stops spinning for a moment

When we touch

And meteors are pulled out of orbit

To burst aflame in the air above our heads

The universe exploding above us

Not as bright as the light

We find in our eyes.

I burn to feel the love

They wouldn’t let me

And then I didn’t let me

And then I was too fucked up to feel.

Melt my heart back together

Every day it fractures a little

Yearning for you

For a universe with you

Fused to my hand

A universe I’ve been forever

Denied

A world you keep hidden

Locked in

Your eyes

[janeaustensbitch]

Ladies and Gentlemen, to answer your questions… (10/19/15)

I’m interested in girls

I’m interested in boys

I’m interested in people

I am dying to know their stories

See lights flicker in their eyes

I yearn to explore the inner workings

Of the unique, beautiful human beings around me

To be absorbed into their worlds

And absorb their memories, lives, loves,

And understand them as they understand themselves

And love them as they love themselves (and more)

From the inside out

I crave the touch

Of another living member of my species

(Is that wrong?)

And I am irresistibly tortured by the need, the want

To let someone step into my heart unguarded

And then step into theirs

But I am afraid

Afraid to step

Afraid to explore

Afraid to understand

More than anything

Afraid to let myself possibly connect with people

In a way that could possibly destroy my fragile heart

Or make them care, then fall apart

And leave them wondering why.

I cannot even offer up

Someone whole

How can I trust myself to build your trust?

I am full of myths and questions and confusion

And I fear they will break me.

I like girls

I like boys

I’m not sure how exactly

Or how they all handle it-

Mixing, churning, fragile, yearning, uncertain sentiment

I’m not sure I’ll ever find out

[janeaustensbitch]

Lipstick (10/19/15)

[A/N: I wrote this in sophomore year of hs so it’s not very good. Also tw/cw depression mention, bodily injury metaphors, and non-explicit self-harm implication]

I wake up early (well, on time)

For the first time in a while

My stocking feet drag on the tight-trimmed carpet

And stumble lightly in the autumn dark

There is noise vibrating through the walls

Yet somehow I drift alone, apart

Like a marine-dwelling fish

Floating in the incandescent light

I put on my makeup.

The days I paint my face and lips

Are few and far between

Rare as a chilly summer day

Or a pleasant Sunday dinner

Lips stick- like they’re not my flesh anymore

Returned to the dead clay that made man

My colored face sticks out

To the people who know it

A mother highlights how “cute” I look

A brother doesn’t care

A friend wonders why the shade

And tries not to stare

Why…

Why?

Why, I confront my constant reflection-

Her sallow skin, baggy eyes, vague melancholia

Bedhead from resisting the clutches of sleep

Scars hidden just beyond the mirror’s edge

This sticky, juvenile, hand-me-down collection

Of sticks and powders and polish

They will never know

Is how I show my bruises

And control my lack of control

My lips puffy and red, as though swollen

Bleeding pigment tenderly placed

Dark shadows show where reality hit

Circles protecting dark blood

Brows, lashes, lips, hair, smoothed into place-

A medical brace, a full-body cast

A transparent iron lung to shield

The color still blooming on my face

This world has lain blows and burns to crush me

Put a knife in my hands and watched me play

It’s my private power, concealer’s thin seal

A wounded femininity surfacing

My body’s defense, its fragile spite

Against this world

Where gender norms, heteronormativity, ableism

Depression, friendship, family, pressure,

walls and walls against understanding

My pain, my flaws, my depression

Their ignorance and hate and so much pain

So much put on me

So I wake up at 6:30

In the concealing dark

Stand before the sink

White-yellow light glowing off smooth, solid surfaces

In the mirror like a soldier, surveying her uniform

And pick up the red plastic tube

Uncapping it deftly, gently,

And paint on the proof of the battles I’ve fought

And lost

[janeaustensbitch]

[Enter Banquo’s Ghost] (9/27/15)

[A/N: this is about Magneto and Professor X in the original movie timeline, Erik’s point of view, after the events of X3 (*pukes in mouth a bit from having to mention that movie*)]

Will I see you again?

My haunted dream

My ghost regret

My Banquo

The face splattered on my mind’s eye

When my powerless eyelids drop

Your memory remains

After everything I am falls away-

My armor, my army,

My powers, my pride, my purpose

In the night

When even the garments of age

And obscurity

Cannot tether me, hold me, down

When nothing remains

To shield my wrinkled face from the relentless tides,

Your memory remains.

The face and form I loved

I see again suspended

A dreaded facsimile of its final glance

Its ghostly blue eyes boring into mine

Its smile accusing, pointed, deadly.

Thou canst not say I killed you!

But oh, how you creep inside my mind,

My first love,

Like old times- you made me shudder

At the thought of you, at loving you

Now, once again you enter, Banquo’s ghost,

To haunt the maddened fallen would-be king

Fallen from sight, from memory even

That you never will let me forget