Impeccably queefed hair

He/him, from Aus, cosplay does, but not here

[adultlikers]

[porksweats]

e me a mail

[fortooate]

make the attachment a pic of a snail

[jumpingjacktrash]

give me two gifs

of critters in clover

[nuclearcarrots]

then photoshop them on the CLIIIIIIIFFS OF DOVER

[yuriartillery]

nice mechanical watches are wasted on wealthy men. a billionaire who will wear it once every four years and leave it in a case the rest of the time doesnt deserve a marvel of engineering like that. *i* deserve a watch like that because i get sexually aroused by clockwork

[embers-braincells]

jokes on you, i have a mechanical watch with transparent windows, which means i can see it ticking, and it (the watch) is just as sexy as you think

[yuriartillery]

you really are out of your league here on all counts. look up the vianney halter deep space resonance and understand my suffering

[embers-braincells]

oh dear god you are right, i need that watch carnally

[sentient-tent]

For anyone who needed to see her in motion.

[rukafais]

so i just learned that people fucking dove inside a god damn iceberg and good to know that even for cave divers, who in my opinion are already a special kind of unhinged, and i say that with all affection, there are people even more unhinged than that

[cappurrccino]

I was going to post some Choice Horrifying Quotes from the article, but turns out the whole thing is a horror story and i’m just.

the fact that they got trapped and pulled in and thought they might die three times and were still like “hey what if we do one more” and only didn’t die because they decided to have a meal first??

[rukafais]

#//juri speaks#look. i love caves. but there is no fucking way#also not to relate everything to my current hyperfixation but. this could EASILY be a tma episode 

yeah you wouldn’t need to change anything for this to be a TMA episode i absolutely agree, the damn thing already tried to kill them three times

[discordarchitect]

okay guys u gotta read it. I was making highlights but it turned into a summary. still. read it. so worth it.

Ok so two people sink down to look around. Jill and her partner. First glimpse of horror (lots and lots of sea creatures) happens. But everything is pretty and they continue on

That’s the sound of their way in collapsing btw.

They find a way out. And then proceed to dive in again

they get out again.

The photos are sublime. So next day, Wes decided, hey, i want to go with you. Remember the camera i tested? We’re going to take even better pictures with it.

so they dive

and the current picks up again

Dude.

They got sucked in, obv. Water pouring down, the three try to get out. Fail. There’s no way up.

And then Jill decides to show human determination and ingenuity. Holy shit.

They get out. They see the boat with the science team, reaching for them. They’re late for two hours, but alive.

[discordarchitect]

i did not manage to find the iceberg photos, but her other stuff is breathtaking

Jill Heinerth

JILL HEINERTH is an underwater explorer, writer, photographer, speaker, and filmmaker. A pioneer of technical rebreather diving, she has led

these photos are from some of her other cave dives

[dieaerzte]

I found a picture from the iceberg dive!

[tanoraqui]

that theory that the Arkenstone is a Silmaril…it’s doubly implausible, but imagine if nobody knew. If the dwarves were guarded enough of their greatest treasure that…you wouldn’t even need to hide it from that many people, honestly. Mostly a few elves, and all wizards.

and then Bilbo sidles up to Gandalf like, “Thorin and all are holed up in the Mountain, but I think they’re being nuts, so I…kind of stole the Arkenstone, I think.” And (it’s been thousands of years since the light of the trees was doused save for the precious brilliance locked away in Feanor’s gems, since oaths and blood and war that raged until the skies cracked and the earth shattered, and the little people of the Shire have no memory of it at all) he pulls out a fucking Silmaril.

[tanoraqui]

Gandalf: *spittake*

Gandalf: *hurriedly glances at Thranduil. the king of Mirkwood’s eyes shine with curiosity and greed, but not recognition, nor the terrible lust that overtook Feanor and his sons. right, right, he was never in Thingol’s court while the jewel that Luthien and Beren took was there. we’re good. we’re good for now*

Gandalf: That’s, uh, nice, Bilbo. Put it away, would you?

[tanoraqui]

Gandalf, telepathically(?): EMERGENCY RINGBEARERS ONLY CONFAB NOW

Gandalf: [mental image of a goddam Silmaril in hobbit hands, labelled “thisfuckingrockagain.jpg”]

Galadriel, who watched 95% of her family slaughter everyone within 100 miles for several thousand years over these things, including each other and themselves: no.

Elrond, who was very nearly one of those people slaughtered, and did watch most of his town be killed before he and his twin were kidnapped for a while: Absolutely Fucking Not.

Gandalf: Apparently fucking yes. The legendary Arkenstone-

Galadriel: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Elrond: Thorin Oakenshield has a Silmaril right now?

Gandalf: No, no.

Gandalf: Bilbo stole it.

Elrond: *wordless sputtering*

Gandalf: @Galadriel [information packet: BilboBagginsoftheShire.pdf]

Galadriel: Oh yes, Belladonna’s boy, you were telling me about him last winter. 

Galadriel: Btw, orc+warg army probably coming your way. Spotted it in the mirror last night. Thank goodness we dealt with Dol Goldur at least, huh?

Elrond: No fucking shit.

[tanoraqui]

Gandalf @Gwaihir Windlord: hey, sorry to bother you again, I know it’s nearly mating season. but we have a situation again

Gandalf: [thisfuckingrockagain.jpg]

Gandalf: [oncomingorcwargarmy.jpg]

Gandalf: [flashbacktobadasseaglesinwarofwrathhinthint.mov]

[avelera]

I mean, given that Tolkien retconned “The Hobbit” so Bilbo’s little invisibility ring became an ancient piece of jewelry that controls minds and drives the mighty mad, one can at least understand why it seems plausible that the other shiny white gem that destroys empires and makes the mighty go mad with greed could be linked from his kid’s book to his gigantic early mythology in retrospect??

[crazy-pages]

You know this actually explains a lot about why Gandalf didn’t immediately raise the alarm about Bilbo’s ring out of an abundance of caution. I mean, what are the odds, what are the fucking odds, that this one little hobbit stole both a Silmaril and the Ring of Power? Like, you are Gandalf the Grey and you have already dealt with the heart attack to end all heart attacks because this little innocent fool stole a world war inspiring artifact once. You still get flashbacks every time Bilbo offers to show you something and have to employ all of your angel’s serenity and thousands of years of learned composure not start giBbERinG “ pleaseletitnotbeanotherartifactpleaseletitnotbeanotherartifact”. And then. AND THEN! One day he’s like, “hey Gandalf let me show you this neat ring I found back on our journey”. And on the inside a tiny part of you is screaming “nottheoneringnottheoneringnottheonering” while a more rational part of your brain assures you it could not possibly be the one- “It’s this plain gold ring that’s very precious to me and turns me invisible!”

AND THEN YOU FUCK OFF AND SEARCH THROUGH EVERY POSSIBLE TOME YOU CAN TO PROVE IT CAN’T REALLY BE THE RING OF POWER, SAURON’S RING OF POWER, THAT RING, THE ONE RING, LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE TOME, BEFORE FINALLY FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGING THAT THIS SHIT IS REALLY HAPPENING AGAIN

[countesskittymeow]

@shewhodoesnotexist what says you? :P

[shewhodoesnotexist]

I’ve never been a proponent of this theory, but I gotta admit the idea of Bilbo finding two world war inspiring artifacts is alluring ;D

Next you’ll be telling me Sting is Gurthang

[abrownpanther]

Sting may or may not be Angrist, the knife that Beren used to get the Silmarill off of Morgoth’s crown

[queenofthequillandink]

“Average Hobbit finds at least one world war inspiring artifact when on a journey” statistic inaccurate. The Spiders Took Family, who find a world war inspiring artifact every five feet they step outside the Shire, were outliers and should not have been counted.

[sunderwight]

Bilbo: I’m not a burglar I wouldn’t even know how to be!

Also Bilbo: *trips and grabs seven legendary artifacts on the way down*

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

used to live in a college town that was huge on sports. 80% of small talk was sportsball and so i developed an Evil Habit: whenever the conversation inevitably turned to the upcoming Big Game i would act excited and then confused. I would earnestly insist they had the details wrong. "the game next Saturday? don't you mean the Thursday after? playing against the [predator species]? no we're playing against the [other predator species]." And so on. i would draw this argument out for as long as feasibly possible, until eventually someone would pull out their phone to prove to me my wrongness. At which point I would squint exaggerated at the screen, slap my forehead in an eureka moment, and exclaim "oh you meant the MEN'S team!!! are they doing a game? that's nice."

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

oh good tags:

#i have the rare joy of living in an area where the college team people care most about is women #but that also makes interacting with anyone not from here on the subject feel very odd #like wdym you only watch the men’s version of the sport. wdym you treat that as the default?? we root for our girls here

[lestatslestits]

Visual representation of listening to a popular song when you heard the Weird Al version first

[dinomoder]

This is the best ad for Project Hail Mary I have ever seen. Like if I was on the fence about watching or reading it, this would convince me to do so.

[jcogitae-blog]

There's just so much in this comment. Corny cringe fest. What was corny? Whay was cringe? The genuine expressions of emotion?

Spineless? Dude was downright courageous, except for signing up for suicide! And if he had agreed, what a much more boring story!

Asexual, whatever - that's a fine interpretation. GrAce can be ace, this commenter loss.

Amoral? What and when? Is this about not sogning up for suicide again?

And then they describe his being forced onto the ship as DITCHING? In this commenters mind, he is amoral for not signing up, but also ditching human relationships by not coming back to earth?? Huh.

Also, if that's ditching comment is in relation to the choice he made when Rocky was in peril with no fuel, the other elements in the equation was a whole other civilisation,versus a home that shot him off to die. And grace is almost certainly sterile from all the radiation he received on the trip anyway, particularly when he hung outside the ship in a direct solar radiation thingo.

The relationship with rocky being described as both a bromance, indicating rocky is male, followed by words indicating rocky is not male?? Would it be fine if Grace chose to use she/her instead? Or if rocky had boobs, maybe?

There's more, but the last bit - indoctrinating their kids? He... taught them science? Indoctrinating? I'm sure Erid and Earth have differing political views, but I har d ly think an off world teacher teaching science is indoctrination.... consider the reverse?

[cosmicretreat]

Ralph McQuarrie (June 13, 1929 - March 3, 2012)

[ankle-beez]

sheep detectives is finally out on digital which means i can show you guys one of the funniest movie scenes of the year so far

[scarlet-titan]

God is a big, invisible, lamb-beaver made of bread. This is my new religion.

[dingdongyouarewrong]

i'm getting the sense some of you are not actually forklift certified.

[averagejoey2000]

[dingdongyouarewrong]

well damn . egg on my face

[dingdongyouarewrong]

THE PLOT THICKENS @averagejoey2000 explain yourself

[averagejoey2000]

I can't believe this is how I'm finding out that I got a scam forklift cert.

I took the cargo ops class at school but my teacher explained that it doesn't give a certification and I'd only be okay for ship's crane and the school forklifts. she said I could take an online exam and get my cert. I paid 60 bucks.

I'm googling and I'm seeing a lot of resources saying that the online programs cover the classroom part of the exam but not the in person practical aspect.

29 CFR 1910.178 (l)(2)(ii)

but I did the in person practical shit at school.

[averagejoey2000]

the back of the card even had fancy numbers on it. I couldn't have known that this isn't the one. this website sounded more official than certifyme.net, and there wasn't one with a .gov address.

[averagejoey2000]

so, I emailed OSHA, and they said that so long as I live and work in California, there's no such thing as forklift certification. I have to be told how to do it every time I get the job.

[averagejoey2000]

Update: I took a certification class in shipboard Material Handling Equipment at my federal job. *now* I'm forklift certified, but only on ships and piers and only for this company, but also rated to forklift explosives and hazardous materials. Also I'm a woman now.

[tinyyellowflowers-blog]

Was talking to a coworker today who explained that her grandfather was like Snow White “but Californian. And an old man.” in that the creatures of the forest would follow him around and presumably duet with him.

“When he died the ravens sat in the trees outside for a week, watching. Taking turns. A horde of raccoons tried to break into the house every night, tearing at the siding. Eventually they gave up, but it was unsettling.”

“Aww. They were checking on him!” I said, like a normal person. Internally, I thought “Maybe you could do the thing you do with dead pets, where you show them to the living pets so the living pet understands they’re gone. But I guess if you did that to a bunch of scavenging species, they’d be like “Well, that’s very sad but he IS food now.” So what you’d need, for human sensibilities, is some sort of transparent corpse barrier. Like a see-through coffin oh that’s what the dwarves were doing! You’ve stopped paying attention to this conversation about the loss of a beloved family member you gotta phase back in.”

[sun-ni-day]

oh that's what the dwarves were doing

[great-tweets]

We just knew.

[dragon-in-a-fez]

"Miette, her eyes enormous" scans perfectly as Tamarian

[jcogitae-blog]

Just like the chintz house / fuck him on the floor poem does not mention the gender of the speaker, but it's almost universally accepted to be a man

[angelicguy]

my toddler is 3 years old and wont eat anything other than fine porterhouse steaks and sweet port wine

[milk5-deactivated20260704]

you need to discipline your child. port is a horrible choice for the main course and wildly clashes with a rich béarnaise.

[angelicguy]

dude hes three….

[bumblr-dotcom]

And uncultured. Get a new child

[jcogitae-blog]

My child eats only the finest chicken nuggets. But at least he knows to pair then with a dry white, you philistines.

[angelicguy]

my toddler is 3 years old and wont eat anything other than fine porterhouse steaks and sweet port wine

[milk5-deactivated20260704]

you need to discipline your child. port is a horrible choice for the main course and wildly clashes with a rich béarnaise.

[angelicguy]

dude hes three….

[bumblr-dotcom]

And uncultured. Get a new child

[lakemojave]

So I loved Disclosure Day and I found it deeply sincere and surprisingly moving, but there's a big scene where the big cover up plot is about to get blown open on the news by a rogue Emily Blunt, and she's at the news desk and looks into the camera and in a really flat news anchor voice goes "This. Is Disclosure Day." And I could hear the woman next to me giggle at that so I leaned over and just went "That's da name of da movey" and we both laughed really inappropriately.

[creepycrag]

i think we need copyright reform. currently most works are protected by copyright for the life of the author plus 70 years. here are my two proposals.

18 years. this is enough time for the work to grow to adulthood and begin to care for itself

life of the author + zero years. i like this one because it encourages you to kill people

[cenneidi]

may I suggest: life of the author -5 years.

now you may be asking yourself, tumblr user cenneidi, how would we implement such a thing given the uncertainties and vagaries of fate? and to that I say: I don't know. i'm not the answers guy, i'm the ideas guy. However, here are some ideas for possible implementation:

copyright oracles to predict the exact date, time, and circumstances of each author's death. this one is cool because when you first publish a work you get to find out how long you have left as a fun little treat!

author must submit a planned departure date alongside any copyright challenge. this is good because it encourages artists to kill themselves, a favorite goal of many on this website

schrodinger's copyright: copyright becomes completely unenforceable until after the author's death, at which time it is retroactively applied to any uses which occurred more than five years previous.

[jcogitae-blog]

This proposal also allows for works whose copyright expires before the work is released (as the author expired less than 5 years after publishing), allowing for derivative works to be published before the work.

[bats-online]

Ideas in the 1890s: What if cocaine was a health drink

Ideas in the 1920s: We should make a new kind of plastic you can eat

Ideas in the 1960s: We should invent a new and more civil racism

Ideas in the 1980s: What if you could have sex with Hello World

Ideas in the 1990s: What if cars had TVs in them

Ideas in the 2000s: Is it gay to wash your hair?

Ideas in the 2010s: What if a refrigerator was made of goo

Ideas in the 2020s: What if there was a website where you could talk to Pepsi