love you like a heartbreak pt.2
a/n - sorry lixie
part 1
felix knew his words that night were particularly harsh. his tone had a particular contrast to his usual sweet demeanour. he wasn’t stupid. he wasn’t even sure what happened - being busy was just his excuse.
felix lee was someone who could express his emotions with such ease, such effortless grace. crying came easy to him. after all, why hide when you could embrace? but you. you were different. he was afraid - “you were falling for someone who was willing to catch you”, seungmin deadpanned. the taller boy’s words held no lies. you were at the bottom with welcoming arms. instead, he let the overwhelming fear of vulnerability take over.
he left you with just the words “i’m sorry”. it was his fault, so why was he hurting? “opening your heart is the only way to truly allow it to feel.” jisung had added. curse his emotional lyricist best friend. moments with you were the only times he had faithfully felt something. he would kill to feel something these days - whether it be pain or happiness. felix deserved the latter. you gave him every emotion under the sun. who knew that several in months, he would crave the pain that was rooted from you?
without even thanking you, he just left behind sharp words in a trembling voice. even if felix acted like everything was fine - “if you carry on, you’re going to magically drop ranks in pubg, lix… take a break. for yourself, and for the poor godforsaken game”. he couldn’t even lie. he wouldn’t lie.
felix needed to be truthful with himself. that was the least he could do. he decided to visit you. how long had it been? 2,3 months? that was enough time for you, right? the australian cursed to himself. how could he consider your feelings now of all time? he didn’t have the right.
he didn’t have the right. who was he to think such thoughts? felix hesitated in the middle of the street, calamitous and inclement. not even a lamppost to guide his way. not even the headlights of a car rushing towards him, giving him a sense of direction. not even you, who was there to lead him to where was right. he had nothing. he had really lost his mind.
felix took all this time without you, and in the end, you were all he had. he never realised. it was so hard to breathe without you. there was a weight holding him down - there was the suffocating feeling of helplessness lodged in his throat. he wasn’t free. what made him think he had the virtue to do that? felix had lost it that day.
but you had said everything you needed to say that day. agonisingly, he wrote it off as “not being right for eachother”. what was he saying? doubt ran through his head. he didn’t know what he was thinking. hell, he didn’t even know what time it was. What was he even doing outside? all he knew was that it was his fault for letting his attention wonder. letting his priorities falter.
in his broken state, felix searched for you. whether it be metaphorically, on that deserted street, where even the sounds of the bushes rustling could be heard, he tried to grasp memories of you. but no matter how hard he tried, all he could think of was your tears. those promises you made in the comfort of your room - the promises that felix would never make you feel anything less than what you deserve. the promises that were sealed tight by the dim glow served by the reading light on your bedside table. they were empty.
felix didn’t know his place and he let you go. he hated himself for regretting it so much, when he was solely responsible for the breakup. What could he say? he couldn’t control it. although his heart was a mess, there was one clear truth. he missed you, truly and faithfully. you were a distant memory now. you had to be, alas he couldn’t reach you, even in his memories. in this moment, felix lee lived in the pain of not being able to forget you.
