"Oh my god, I like you so much. And I love liking you."
I think this sentiment is a great summary of Nick-with-regards-to-Charlie. It's true from the very beginning.
At the same time as Nick is terrified of his feelings for Charlie, he is, in a way, not bothered by that and is even happy about his feelings. Or, at least, the Charlie of it all is very happy for him.
There are many instances of this, where Nick is visibly confused or surprised or scared (or all three) about how he's feeling, but he smiles before, during or afterwards, and of course he continues to seek Charlie out, spend time with him and be into him. What's happening may be unfamiliar and scary, yes, but it feels good.
And then we have this scene:
In Nick's face we see a beautiful moment of realisation and maybe resigned acceptance, with no hints of the typical happiness to balance it out. In this moment, it's no longer about Charlie or Nick's feelings for specifically Charlie. It's now about Nick. And that's scarier in a deeper way.
What do his feelings for Charlie mean for Nick, for his life, for his sense of self and identity, for how Nick sees himself and how others will see him?
The titular refrain of Orla Gartland's "Why Am I Like This?" of course starts playing at this moment, implying that's what Nick is thinking: "Why am I like this?", with a further implication of, "What's wrong with me?"
It seems like such self-doubt, and self-recrimination, even.
Nick could back down here. He could put his thoughts aside, do something else, bury his feelings. But he doesn't. He maintains his determination, immediately taking action to try to figure out what's going on with him and better understand himself. Even though he's scared.
This is an example of one of my favourite things about Nick: He may be scared, but he doesn't let that stop him (or if he does, it's never for very long). He may be scared, but he loves likes Charlie Spring, and he loves liking him.
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