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@kelthehuman
I wasn’t crazy about this piece so I wasn’t intending on publicly posting it again, but it keeps getting stolen every five minutes so I figured I’d put it here so people at least know who to attribute the original thing to lmao
[Digital illustration, Procreate App, 2020]
A goblin and an elf have decided to defy tradition and get married. Their ceremony will be held in the magical forest in accordance with elven tradition.
It's a beautiful ceremony. The elven bride in her finest, flowing silks, dappled by the sun. The goblin bride in a human-sized wedding dress stolen from a goodwill.
The elven side of the aisle of course has the elvish bride's father and mother, as well as her older sisters, as well as all the forest animals who inhabit her parents' court.
The goblin side is a bunch of The Labyrinth looking freaks in their best simulacrum of what they think good folks wear to weddings. The father of the bride is wearing a really snazzy cocktail dress.
It's a mixed tradition ceremony. The elven part of the ceremony involves the young couple being presented in front of the king of the forest, a majestic unicorn, who blesses the couple by touching them with his horn.
The goblins kidnapped a local priest to bless the couple according to their tradition.
The ring the elven bride presents to her wife-to-be is brought in by a squirrel riding a doe. It's made of silver, inlaid with decorative golden leaves.
The goblin worst man accidentally swallowed the ring, which was purchased from a pawn shop.
The father of the elven bride keeps looking over to the goblin side of the aisle, barely hiding his disgust. But he is resigned to it. What matters most is his daughter's happiness.
At the end of the ceremony his face sinks as the father of the goblin bride says "Welcome to the family! You can call me brother," while vigorously shaking his hand.
The reception is, of course, held at a speakeasy according to goblin tradition. The ceiling is only five feet tall, making it very difficult for the elves.
"An elf walks into a bar,"
"Will you please stop saying that!"
During the reception the father of the goblin bride, named Frankie the Third, decides to introduce his family to his new elven family.
"These are my older sisters, Frankie the First and Frankie the Second. No relation."
"What does that mean,"
#the father of the elven bride is absolutely disgusted by the goblin's dad#right up until he's got some of that good goblin ale in him and then they're both singing old shanties together#'i am amazed you know this one! it must be far older than you - we sang it hundreds of years ago!'#'yeah i ate some old musty book full of songs once and i think that was in there'#'...okay!'#they're superbowl dad buddies afterward
You understand my vision
My favorite bit is it sounds like @thydungeongal is there and they're live tweeting the wedding.
I love the implication that goblins are incredibly well-read because they keep eating pure information 📚
You should see my uncle who once ate a stack of porno mags
He ate them for the articles.
But he spit out all the nasty prepositions and gerunds.
"The goblin worst man accidentally swallowed the ring, which was purchased from a pawn shop." Riiiiiight. It was "purchased".
This is the priest's eighth goblin wedding. (There is some contention over whether one wedding counted as it became a race to finish the vows before the groom finished giving birth and it became a christening)
He is dumped out of the burlap sack and begins "We are gathered here today..." without hesitation. Two goblin children have to be restrained from running up and climbing him because he's their favorite god-uncle. The first time he was kidnapped he was terrified and had to be prodded (literally) to say the wedding vows to the happy couple. The second time he was kidnapped, he spent the entire time protesting that this didn't count and argued with the mother-in-law about what should be said and was repeatedly cowed into submission. The third wedding he was delirious from lack of sleep and when uncle drunkenly demanded he hurry up, the priest snapped and went into "fire and brimstone" mode declaring that a sacred union of love was not to be disrespected in such a way and incorporating it into his blessing upon the union before resigning himself to death. Unfortunately for him, the goblins loved it and he immediately became the most preferred priest in the region and was dragged into the community celebrations completely against his will. He pretends to pull a ring from behind the bride's ear to make up for the missing one, and sincerely tells the couple that he knows that they will be very happy together before he crowd surfs to the exit. Wild applause erupts.
Hilariously funny that they let the guy known for wandering off without warning to look at birds was allowed to do this
#famously few birds in space#probably the safest place to take him
Very cute - and once again, the pleasure of watching someone with good tools, good material and the expertise to make good use of both.
Can I eat the wood slices
Random linguistic worldbuilding: A language with six sets of pronouns, which are set by one's current state of existence. There's a separate pronoun for people who are alive, people who are dead, and potential future people who are yet to be born, and the ambiguous ones of "may or may not be alive or aleady dead", "may or may not have even been born yet", and the ultimate general/ambiguous all-covering one that covers all ambiguous states.
The culture has a specific defined term for that tragic span of time when a widow keeps accidentally referring to their spouse with living pronouns. New parents-to-be dropping the happy surprise news of a pregnancy by referring to their future child with the "is yet to be born" pronoun instead of a more ambiguous one and waiting for the "wait what did you just say?" reactions.
Someone jokingly referring to themselves with the dead person pronouns just to highlight how horrible their current hangover is. A notorious aspiring ladies' man who keeps trying to pursue women in their 20s despite of approaching middle age fails to notice the insult when someone asks him when he's planning to get married, and uses the pronoun that implies that his ideal future bride may not even be born yet.
A mother whose young adult child just moved away from home for the first time, who continues to dramatically refer to their child with "may or may not be already dead" until the aforementioned child replies to her on facebook like "ma stop telling people I'm dead" and having her respond with "well how could I possibly know that when you don't even write to us? >:,C"
@witchofanguish it is also used in poetry and plays, ghosts talk like that. Imagine being in a folk story, staying overnight in an abandoned cabin and in the middle of the night there's a knock on the door and a bellowing voice going
LET ME IN.
and from the "me" alone you know that whoever is out there is not one among the living.
OP IS PLAYING 6D CHESS WE GO HOME NOW.
This is brilliant.
keep seeing Temu ads on here so just to share cause idk if people are widely aware
@silentmoor
are you telling me americans have stores that open up SPECIFICALLY for halloween and just. dont exist any other time of the year. you people are insane
Imagine an empty storefront. Some business that closed years ago. The building stands empty, unused for literal months. And then boom. Fall comes around and there’s a Spirit Halloween. There’s no escape.
what the fuck 😁
Yeah this is a thing
Are you serious
Yes and they are divine gifts of beauty and cheap plastic lawn decorations.
… I honestly assumed that the existence of Halloween stores was just a running joke in American TV shows.
No they’re very real
Can confirm this phenomenon also occurs in Canada
It’s fun
Oh, it’s a blast.
Wait, so during non-halloween they are just empty? Like, they don’t switch between seasonal decorations (like christmas, easter, etc), they just…close and wait for next year???
Yeah, it’s not a permanent store. A company will rent an empty building for the 2-3 months before halloween, sell halloween stuff, and then clean everything up and disappear until the following year. And they’ll usually set up in different buildings from year to year. They just find any good-sized empty store space that will give them a cheap, short-term lease.
It’s so temporary that the halloween stores don’t even have a real sign, they just hang up a banner outside:
So you’re telling me that every year for a month or two the Spirit of Halloween possesses a dead building then disappears?
that is exactly what we’re telling you
this video is really fucking good. fuck big tech companies, fast fashion, modern auto, and those initial inhibitive greedy lightbulb fucks. planned obsolescence, creative waste, consumer engineering.
Me explaining why my grades were/are shit
This got like four notes in under a minute are we all ok
Relatable
Best part tho?
not enough stories go for the lycanthropy-as-menstruation angle tbh. sure I see plenty of "time of the month" jokes but there's so much unexplored potential. scatterbrained werewolf feeling cranky and exhausted for no discernible reason before checking their phone and seeing the "your transformation is in two days" notification like "oohh right. the horrors." werewolf girl losing her whole mind trying to excuse herself from a function so she can go transform but noooo she can't just say that's what she has to do because it's "impolite" or whatever and she has to keep making vague excuses with weird euphemisms. werewolf guy having an awkward conversation with an acquaintance who keeps talking about the divine lycanthropic and the mystic properties of the wolf and moon, and like, he's not going to tell them that their relationship with their own transformations is wrong, but for him it's just this kind of annoying kind of painful thing he needs to deal with sometimes? and it feels weird elevating this basic bodily function of his to something quasi religious?
One of my favourite parts of working with kids is like… Very Gently subverting their idea of gendered topics… Like if a girl goes ‘no, sharks are a boy thing’ and you go “UM ACTUALLY THATS STUPID AND INCORRECT” they get freaked out, but if instead u go “Are you sure? Cause I think sharks are awesome, here’s a scale picture of a Megalodon” it’ll blow their tiny mind and they’ll be shitting themselves over it for days. 100% effective, 10/10 recommend
Good example of this happened in a class I taught recently. Kids were making predictions about a text we’d be studying based on an illustration of the character: boy with spiky blonde hair wearing a pink football kit.
The first kid to respond said, “I think this is a girl that likes to play football.” I said “what gave you the idea that the character is a girl?” Obviously they pointed out the pink, to which I replied how pink was one of my fave colours and they just looked at me wide-eyed. Then the next said, “No it’s got to be a boy. He’s got short spiky hair.” Of course, I then listed all the female people they might’ve heard of who also have short spiky hair and, honestly, the puzzled looks on their little faces were priceless.
Anyway, they continued to debate which gender the character was using phrases like: “but he … and look at his …” or “so why is she … and maybe her …” which was the point I decided to stop them and ask: “If we can’t be sure whether the character is a he or she, should we really be using those pronouns?” And I kid you not, without any persuasion from me and after only the briefest of discussions, these children unanimously agreed that the best pronoun to use would be “they” until they knew their gender for certain. They then continued their discussion using gender neutral terms throughout without any fuss whatsoever. And these are 6 and 7 year olds.
Hey the message of this post is great and all but ‘a scale picture of a meglodon’ what the f u CK
Honestly my seven year old neice screamed once I told her that girls can have short hair and now shes pestering her mum for short and also blue hair
By the way here’s a scale picture of a Megalodon
ominous flask I found at a Goodwill in Phoenix AZ
Me, having accepted the
Reblog if you accept the
@ominous-signs
Official ominous flask
guyliner for women
guyliner for the common trout
