Layfin on the Bed

This is my sactuary. My safe place to vent and share in my ideas and dreams. If you are here to troll or stick in your two sense then leave now.

[layfinonthebed]

WELCOME TO MY LAZY ROOM

Hello, my name is Layfin, and this is my new room. You can call me Layfin, or Fin. But not Lay. (Some accents read it as Lie) I've been needing a new place to safely vent my frustration and feelings without the fear of someone judging me or making me feel more pathetic than I already feel inside.

This year has been an intense one to say the least.

But that's for another time and another day. As for right now, I would like to just welcome you all who support me in my new steps in life.

[layfinonthebed]

Why do you like anime so much?

Having yet another year pass, I've submerged myself with a lot of anime over western media.

There was one thing that clicked for me today while rewatching My Hero.

Spoilers for those who have not seen season 3 It was right after All Might defeated All For One. He discovered that his master had a grandchild and was the villain he had been facing.

Gran Torino had to correct his thinking.

I'm really tired so I'll keep this short.

Anyone can be creative, but there is also psychology with some things. And if you look at the comparison of how some things are written in the west, its full of "WOKE" and money.

Sure anime may have money involved. But they focus on the emotional trigger rather than the culture.

[theambitiouswoman]

Trying to impress the people you’ve outgrown has everything to do with you and that chip on your shoulder. It’s time to let it go before you get stuck in repeated cycles that will stop you from realizing your true potential. Life is about growing. You’re suppose to outgrow people. You’re suppose to outgrow places, things, even your own thoughts.

[layfinonthebed]

I've been thinking about this post since I liked it a few days ago.

Last year, I wanted to "Impress" my childhood friends who I haven't even talked to in years. The only reason I even thought about them was because of almost moving back home. I wanted to be successful, well known, provider of my family and all around skilled.

I looked up old exes who I was former friends with too, one of which was my first gf in middle school. She has three kids, second husband, and from what I could tell, facial reconstruction, either from abuse or to "Fix" herself.

I was getting petty. I was starting to do the same thing my wife was doing with my exes. Showing off how beautiful they were and happy she was with me, rubbing it in for those who missed their chance.

But, reflecting all of that, what would that have brough me in the end?

Even when I was doing streams online, I had a select few people that did me wrong that I wanted to show, I was better than them.

All that did for me, the hours of planning, making, marketing, ideas, sleepless nights of doing what I felt was work, was in the end pointless. I gained nothing from it and I wasn't even happy. I achieved nothing. And I wasn't even enjoying it.

The only person or people that I need to "Impress" are my wife and kids. Everything else, I do for myself now.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

Your thoughts and feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean you should treat them as facts.

[layfinonthebed]

We tend to hold on to the emotion attached to this "feeling" and never let it go. No matter how wrong we may be, the safety of the words or thoughts behind them can make us toxic inside.

[layfinonthebed]

Filters of life

I just came across a few posts while scrolling. And it made me realize, how much has changed and what I have lost in the process.

I've been a giver for a long time. Helping others with their needs first, making sure they were ok. Never focusing on mine. Even with my mom, dad, sister and wife, I've been doing things I personally felt they needed to get their days completed. EXAMPLE: When it comes to my dad, he's going to retire soon, and I am helping him by taking over the company and making sure that everyone and everything involved gets taken care of. That frees up a lot of time he doesn't have to take care of my sister. Same for my mom. Dad needs to be with them. So I sacrifice my time and energy to provide for them. Just how I've always done for my wife and kids.

But I am not taking care of my own health. Nor my mental health.

(Not my photo) Sadly, what is shown in the picture is what I long for, but can not have right now. I'm forced to suffer as my wife chooses to not work on our relationship. Who feels I will never change. That I don't want to change. But in reality, she is haunted by so much trauma that she cannot face the reality of what could be good for us. And for all I know, she too may not have changed and is talking to other guys who are giving her attention and is in fact the one cheating on me. She did it when we broke up, who is to say that she wont do it while being married?

What am I to do? Self love I guess. I can't enjoy my life with someone else anymore. Cause if I do, then I really do become what she thinks I am.

[layfinonthebed]

Hitting walls

I've hit another writers block. I have these scenes and ideas forming in my head, but when I put just the notes down on paper, they sink like stones in the water. A giant *THUD* and *SQUISH* of a sound.

I had one just now that was almost beautiful. Sadly I don't even know where I was going with it.

A beautiful girl meets a boy as the bridges between two worlds meet for the first time. It was a vision that clicked for a moment, then fades away just as fast as it appeared. I hate my mind when it does that.

[layfinonthebed]

Music sets your mood

For years I was always one to work with music and have the sound of tunes hit me and motivate me. Then after I was working at a factory, it was mandated that you could not have any form or electronics on your person.

That was beyond torture for me. As a shy introvert at the time, I was never able to start a conversation or talk to anyone comfortably unless it was about anime or games. And being around people who clearly did not share the same interests made it hard. But the no music mentality formed in my head for years, which sucked.

Now since I've been able to control how I want things to work for me, I've gotten back into anime, and the songs that follow with it.

As a side notes, i'm really happy that they have not only improved the animation quality, but also the music that goes with it. As an example, in the United States there was a lot that they edited and changed over the years for Kids to enjoy not just the anime itself but, the series as a whole. (But that's a topic in itself.)

Spotify has a playlist of the 90's 00's and today, and crunchy peanuts in snickers has it gotten better. There are only a few songs I can listen to from the 90's that are nostalgic, but even better remixed.

OFF TO WORK I GO

[layfinonthebed]

Surviving Ian - drawbacks and inner thoughts

You know whats bad? I drafted this post weeks ago. Right after the storm hit us (my first real hurricane btw) I had imagined all the things I was going to say and made and outline only for it all to disappear. How crappy is that.

Oh well.

So first things first, If you are reading this, that means I'M ALIVE. Sorry for all the haters out there that wish I were dead. Better luck next time.

So, My first time.... in a hurricane. It was really interesting. I didn't realize how much rain was coming from just the storm alone. They projected it to hit land on Wednesday, but in reality, the band or extended arm of the storm was already casting its effect the night before around 5:00PM.

It nonstop rained from light to heavy for i think close to four days. Wednesday around noon, everything shut down. I had my supplies I needed, but I needed small snacks that I couldn't get the night before due to work. So I drove around while it was still some what calm and got what I needed.

I think I ended up watching an anime till I got too tired to watch and went to bed. That was about 2:00AM Thursday. I tried to calm my mind and make a distraction of everything. Alas, dreams of flooding and my weak windows rattling from the winds made it feel like they were going to shatter at any moment and water would surround me as I lay in my recliner.

Then, the most alarming thing happened. Silence. No noice from my fan, no sounds from the kitchen where the refrigerator's compressor would kick on and off to let you know you're food was still cold. The power had shut off. And it would stay off till later that afternoon. Thankfully we had a generator for such an emergency.

Thankfully, by the time everything was over, we had very little damage. Unfortunately for those along the coast and in Ft Myers. They lost everything. In my sarcastic self-defense, (which is my coping mechanism) the only thing I could think of was "At least the beaches will finally be clean from being an ashtray for smokers."

But yes. I survived.

This has definitely given me new insight as to the damages of storms and being prepared for survival.

Through it all, I was able to realize that there are some many things that you could lose in a moment, and, in reality, it doesn't matter what happens to it. The only thing that matters is your faith in a situation.

This and my own personal issues with family, has caused me to further my writings and develop more for characters.

That's my update for now. Let me know if anyone is interested in hearing more about ideas, writings, or any "Side quests" going on.

Till then, ......

[layfinonthebed]

Battling with myself

So outright. I have been trying to improve myself on a lot of things that I'm not proud of. One of the factors is that, when it comes to my wife, I do still love her. But I never treated her with the respect and love that she deserves. And I regret that. I make excuses for it with Covid, and work, and the family. But even though, those are all justified... I never told her how much I appreciated her hard work, her dedication and patients to some of my emotions and stress. To say thank you when she made the simplest of meals on long days. Fought with toddlers and still kept her sanity. (Even when she missed home more than anything)

It was probably me first who broke the relationship, talking to other girls. Even if they were just friends to me, getting too close to them and crossing boundaries was not good for our relationship. When someone does that, its hard to trust them again. I know I felt that before.

SO why did I feel it was ok for me to do that too?

Since then. Since cutting all excess forms of contact on other social media, I've been really good to just keep to myself and only vent here or to family.

[layfinonthebed]

Where is my mind? Wasn't that a song?

I set here in my little cubical at work and I ponder over these facts that swim in my mind. The question of love, life, heartbreak, loss, death and everything that has been plaguing me. (Not just the literal virus that I got sick from.)

I haven't had a good cry in a while, and I think I'm due for one soon. Especially with the emotions of hope feeling like they are slowly being taunted in front of me like a delicious desert.

My days are blurred together so much that I can't remember the last time I had anything specific. (Example: When was I last at the gym? feels like a year ago) But I know it was sooner than that.

Work seems to be the only distractions I have besides finding new anime. Which I'm grateful for.

On a side note, Anime has been such a relief to watch compared to any of the other American programs with their forced cultural acceptance. Anime has been so much better because they don't care about any of that. Everyone is accepted and hated equal.

But I digress.

I've been trying to change my diet and sleeping habits where I am getting up early and doing my work that needs to be done, all errands and even my own personal achievements like eating healthy and going to the gym. (Lungs still giving me a small issue) But I at least look better than I did last year.

...........

Its funny how as I am writing this, every feeling I have trying to dump it here, gets so tight through the funnel that I actually can't focus. And some thing's I want to say, I'm worried someone will read and judge me for. But isn't that what this whole page is about? *SIGH*

...........

I guess I'll start in reverse.

So my holiday was nice, I ended up sleeping most of the weekend away trying to let my body heal from all the stress that has been building up. Definitely relaxing.

Work has been adding up and getting busier and busier as the days I missed get double timed with more orders and requests. Good for me. But man does it make me tired.

I haven't come up with anything new to wright. But I think I need to. Something to distract what I'm feeling and turn it into something..... productive.

[layfinonthebed]

Work issues, Hospitals, Covid

It's been a bit since I first started this page and a lot has sadly happened. But I'm happy with the fact that I'm still alive, given the circumstances of people around me.

I tried so hard to be careful and not get covid, but as things happen and you let your guard down, that when it attacks. Sadly that's not even where all of this this even started.

As it turns out, I get reports that several of my family members have been put in the hospital for sever treatments involving poor heal and just bad chance. Now they each have to go through operations to save their own lives. Sacrificing their own body just to survive. All this happened a month ago....

Covid was a lingering flu that wouldn't go away and because I tried to do my part and not spreading it, I stayed home for over two weeks. That was a struggle in of itself. What made it worse was that I wasn't the only one who got it. The WHOLE family did. As much as the privacy was nice to isolate from everyone, I also missed being able to go out and get my own food.

On the plus side, I still have my taste buds.

I can only imagine what it would have been like the first year getting it with the struggles I faced then..... I don't want to imagine that.

Its funny how when you start rambling on about things you tend to lose your train of thought and left with a feeling of "Did I already say that?" And you want to edit it like a story but you also want to leave it be, because that's your life. Its imperfect. And the imperfections should be just that, let be.

OK off to find lunch. TA TA for now.

[layfinonthebed]

Sleepy

Today was a very long day. Even though I got to sleep in, this week has been so stressful.

I get news on things that are supposed to be good to hear, but ultimately, I'm scared that it will end up blowing up in my face again.

When you have family in the hospital, you can't be with them every day like you want. Especially when you have to provide for the family too. But when you do have a chance to go in, you start to struggle with your own mortality on things.

No one has slept right in the house in a while. And I doubt I'll sleep well when I head home from work tonight.