I’M NOT GETTING ANYWHERE– lily rain

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@lily-rainn
I’M NOT GETTING ANYWHERE– lily rain
being 25 is like: im dying. im living my best life. im a failure. my life hasnt started. everything interesting has already happened to me. im achieving my dreams. im cutting my hair with kitchen scissors. im starting a skincare routine. im a corporate professional. im a sellout. im out of groceries. i have too many groceries. i am never going to be successful. i am going to win a hugo award before im 30. im crazy. im boring. i need to finish this essay. i need to finish this story. i need to start a newsletter. i need to start tweeting more. i need to stop tweeting. i need to ghost all my friends. i need to tell my friends i love them. i need to find a new apartment. i need to take out the trash. i am the trash that needs to be taken out.
Found this from when I reblogged at 20. Now I am 25
“I will never know peace but I will always know joy” is too deep a thought when the context is I have a weak tolerance, intense love of, jalapeño peppers, so maybe apply this to like heart break or war or skinny dipping
Back at it again a few days later and it’s just past breakfast (poorly played trombone noise)
(Taps a cherry lollipop against a coffee mug, a la a cigarette against an ash try, as I stare in longing and horror at my midnight chili pot) The devil is home in my heart, I know I must give my due
“Eat less hot peppers” is kind advice and I do sincerely appreciate it but you must understand one thing first — before anything else, before all other factors in the equation, I am a foolish person.
("Over Your Shoulder" from Calexico, one of the really slow, wordless melancholy songs from This American Life plays in the background)
The night, my friends, is darker than one imagines darkness can be, and on the edge of comfort and sharpness in regards to temperature
I have seen the moon, I have seen her face, I have heard her voice, I have been to her court, I have received her blessings
I am not afraid, which is a bit of a lie, but therein brews bravery, in this chamber, hidden in the heart. I shall add yet another jalapeño to this chili. Let the fire rage, I will not back down.
(To be abundantly clear this is 100% literally about my demand for really hot chili, there is zero symbolism, I just really, stupidly, love adding more peppers than my stomach can handle to food)
"Again, my love?" the devil will ask as I descend into Hell's waiting gates, as I approach the mistress of fire's waiting arms.
"It is nearly Valentine's Day, my ember, how can I not spend it with your torture?"
Avert your heart, stars, I must travel in darkness, and into the gaping maw of doom I must travel alone.
Oh sweet moon, Whom has sought a life of joy for your cleric,
Look away, I begof you
Or forgive me, I plead
Though your servant, Always
Humble, Obedient
I remain Faulty, Mortal, Foolish
"this user is making a chili that will be questioned by the higher powers of the universe as to why it was permitted to exist in the first place"
sometimes when I’m bored I anonymously send random ppl vague things like “I still love you” or “we don’t talk anymore but I still care about you” just to see what happens
maybe a little “I think about you when I’m with him” to spice things up
i believe in prison abolition but i also think you need to be put away somewhere. a deep well, maybe
Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.
Arepo built a temple in his field, a humble thing, some stones stacked up to make a cairn, and two days later a god moved in.
“Hope you’re a harvest god,” Arepo said, and set up an altar and burnt two stalks of wheat. “It’d be nice, you know.” He looked down at the ash smeared on the stone, the rocks all laid askew, and coughed and scratched his head. “I know it’s not much,” he said, his straw hat in his hands. “But - I’ll do what I can. It’d be nice to think there’s a god looking after me.”
The next day he left a pair of figs, the day after that he spent ten minutes of his morning seated by the temple in prayer. On the third day, the god spoke up.
“You should go to a temple in the city,” the god said. Its voice was like the rustling of the wheat, like the squeaks of fieldmice running through the grass. “A real temple. A good one. Get some real gods to bless you. I’m no one much myself, but I might be able to put in a good word?” It plucked a leaf from a tree and sighed. “I mean, not to be rude. I like this temple. It’s cozy enough. The worship’s been nice. But you can’t honestly believe that any of this is going to bring you anything.”
“This is more than I was expecting when I built it,” Arepo said, laying down his scythe and lowering himself to the ground. “Tell me, what sort of god are you anyway?”
“I’m of the fallen leaves,” it said. “The worms that churn beneath the earth. The boundary of forest and of field. The first hint of frost before the first snow falls. The skin of an apple as it yields beneath your teeth. I’m a god of a dozen different nothings, scraps that lead to rot, momentary glimpses. A change in the air, and then it’s gone.”
The god heaved another sigh. “There’s no point in worship in that, not like War, or the Harvest, or the Storm. Save your prayers for the things beyond your control, good farmer. You’re so tiny in the world. So vulnerable. Best to pray to a greater thing than me.”
Arepo plucked a stalk of wheat and flattened it between his teeth. “I like this sort of worship fine,” he said. “So if you don’t mind, I think I’ll continue.”
“Do what you will,” said the god, and withdrew deeper into the stones. “But don’t say I never warned you otherwise.”
Arepo would say a prayer before the morning’s work, and he and the god contemplated the trees in silence. Days passed like that, and weeks, and then the Storm rolled in, black and bold and blustering. It flooded Arepo’s fields, shook the tiles from his roof, smote his olive tree and set it to cinder. The next day, Arepo and his sons walked among the wheat, salvaging what they could. The little temple had been strewn across the field, and so when the work was done for the day, Arepo gathered the stones and pieced them back together.
“Useless work,” the god whispered, but came creeping back inside the temple regardless. “There wasn’t a thing I could do to spare you this.”
“We’ll be fine,” Arepo said. “The storm’s blown over. We’ll rebuild. Don’t have much of an offering for today,” he said, and laid down some ruined wheat, “but I think I’ll shore up this thing’s foundations tomorrow, how about that?”
The god rattled around in the temple and sighed.
A year passed, and then another. The temple had layered walls of stones, a roof of woven twigs. Arepo’s neighbors chuckled as they passed it. Some of their children left fruit and flowers. And then the Harvest failed, the gods withdrew their bounty. In Arepo’s field the wheat sprouted thin and brittle. People wailed and tore their robes, slaughtered lambs and spilled their blood, looked upon the ground with haunted eyes and went to bed hungry. Arepo came and sat by the temple, the flowers wilted now, the fruit shriveled nubs, Arepo’s ribs showing through his chest, his hands still shaking, and murmured out a prayer.
“There is nothing here for you,” said the god, hudding in the dark. “There is nothing I can do. There is nothing to be done.” It shivered, and spat out its words. “What is this temple but another burden to you?”
“We -” Arepo said, and his voice wavered. “So it’s a lean year,” he said. “We’ve gone through this before, we’ll get through this again. So we’re hungry,” he said. “We’ve still got each other, don’t we? And a lot of people prayed to other gods, but it didn’t protect them from this. No,” he said, and shook his head, and laid down some shriveled weeds on the altar. “No, I think I like our arrangement fine.”
“There will come worse,” said the god, from the hollows of the stone. “And there will be nothing I can do to save you.”
The years passed. Arepo rested a wrinkled hand upon the temple of stone and some days spent an hour there, lost in contemplation with the god.
And one fateful day, from across the wine-dark seas, came War.
Arepo came stumbling to his temple now, his hand pressed against his gut, anointing the holy site with his blood. Behind him, his wheat fields burned, and the bones burned black in them. He came crawling on his knees to a temple of hewed stone, and the god rushed out to meet him.
“I could not save them,” said the god, its voice a low wail. “I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so so sorry.” The leaves fell burning from the trees, a soft slow rain of ash. “I have done nothing! All these years, and I have done nothing for you!”
“Shush,” Arepo said, tasting his own blood, his vision blurring. He propped himself up against the temple, forehead pressed against the stone in prayer. “Tell me,” he mumbled. “Tell me again. What sort of god are you?”
“I -” said the god, and reached out, cradling Arepo’s head, and closed its eyes and spoke.
“I’m of the fallen leaves,” it said, and conjured up the image of them. “The worms that churn beneath the earth. The boundary of forest and of field. The first hint of frost before the first snow falls. The skin of an apple as it yields beneath your teeth.” Arepo’s lips parted in a smile.
“I am the god of a dozen different nothings,” it said. “The petals in bloom that lead to rot, the momentary glimpses. A change in the air -” Its voice broke, and it wept. “Before it’s gone.”
“Beautiful,” Arepo said, his blood staining the stones, seeping into the earth. “All of them. They were all so beautiful.”
And as the fields burned and the smoke blotted out the sun, as men were trodden in the press and bloody War raged on, as the heavens let loose their wrath upon the earth, Arepo the sower lay down in his humble temple, his head sheltered by the stones, and returned home to his god.
Sora found the temple with the bones within it, the roof falling in upon them.
“Oh, poor god,” she said, “With no-one to bury your last priest.” Then she paused, because she was from far away. “Or is this how the dead are honored here?” The god roused from its contemplation.
“His name was Arepo,” it said, “He was a sower.”
Sora startled, a little, because she had never before heard the voice of a god. “How can I honor him?” She asked.
“Bury him,” the god said, “Beneath my altar.”
“All right,” Sora said, and went to fetch her shovel.
“Wait,” the god said when she got back and began collecting the bones from among the broken twigs and fallen leaves. She laid them out on a roll of undyed wool, the only cloth she had. “Wait,” the god said, “I cannot do anything for you. I am not a god of anything useful.”
Sora sat back on her heels and looked at the altar to listen to the god.
“When the Storm came and destroyed his wheat, I could not save it,” the god said, “When the Harvest failed and he was hungry, I could not feed him. When War came,” the god’s voice faltered. “When War came, I could not protect him. He came bleeding from the battle to die in my arms.” Sora looked down again at the bones.
“I think you are the god of something very useful,” she said.
“What?” the god asked.
Sora carefully lifted the skull onto the cloth. “You are the god of Arepo.”
Generations passed. The village recovered from its tragedies—homes rebuilt, gardens re-planted, wounds healed. The old man who once lived on the hill and spoke to stone and rubble had long since been forgotten, but the temple stood in his name. Most believed it to empty, as the god who resided there long ago had fallen silent. Yet, any who passed the decaying shrine felt an ache in their hearts, as though mourning for a lost friend. The cold that seeped from the temple entrance laid their spirits low, and warded off any potential visitors, save for the rare and especially oblivious children who would leave tiny clusters of pink and white flowers that they picked from the surrounding meadow.
The god sat in his peaceful home, staring out at the distant road, to pedestrians, workhorses, and carriages, raining leaves that swirled around bustling feet. How long had it been? The world had progressed without him, for he knew there was no help to be given. The world must be a cruel place, that even the useful gods have abandoned, if farms can flood, harvests can run barren, and homes can burn, he thought.
He had come to understand that humans are senseless creatures, who would pray to a god that cannot grant wishes or bless upon them good fortune. Who would maintain a temple and bring offerings with nothing in return. Who would share their company and meditate with such a fruitless deity. Who would bury a stranger without the hope for profit. What bizarre, futile kindness they had wasted on him. What wonderful, foolish, virtuous, hopeless creatures, humans were.
So he painted the sunset with yellow leaves, enticed the worms to dance in their soil, flourished the boundary between forest and field with blossoms and berries, christened the air with a biting cold before winter came, ripened the apples with crisp, red freckles to break under sinking teeth, and a dozen other nothings, in memory of the man who once praised the god’s work on his dying breath.
“Hello, God of Every Humble Beauty in the World,” called a familiar voice.
The squinting corners of the god’s eyes wept down onto curled lips. “Arepo,” he whispered, for his voice was hoarse from its hundred-year mutism.
“I am the god of devotion, of small kindnesses, of unbreakable bonds. I am the god of selfless, unconditional love, of everlasting friendships, and trust,” Arepo avowed, soothing the other with every word.
“That’s wonderful, Arepo,” he responded between tears, “I’m so happy for you—such a powerful figure will certainly need a grand temple. Will you leave to the city to gather more worshippers? You’ll be adored by all.”
“No,” Arepo smiled.
“Farther than that, to the capitol, then? Thank you for visiting here before your departure.”
“No, I will not go there, either,” Arepo shook his head and chuckled.
“Farther still? What ambitious goals, you must have. There is no doubt in my mind that you will succeed, though,” the elder god continued.
“Actually,” interrupted Arepo, “I’d like to stay here, if you’ll have me.”
The other god was struck speechless. “…. Why would you want to live here?”
“I am the god of unbreakable bonds and everlasting friendships. And you are the god of Arepo.”
I reblogged this once with the first story. Now the story has grown and I’m crying. This is gorgeous, guys. This is what dreams are made of.
This is amazing!
What do you think of trans women? Personally as a trans woman I think there are no words in the english language to describe how amazing we are
I think you're great and trans women are always the best at choosing names??? I met a trans woman once whose name was Aphrodite. Straight up. Killer name if you ask me
More details about Aphrodite: I met her and her girlfriend in line for an LGBT club the Christmas before the pandemic. She was so stunning. She was tall, her bone structure was like that of a Greek statue, and she had this gorgeous long curly hair that just looked so healthy and shiny. I've never seen healthier looking hair in my life. Her makeup was subtle but unmistakably glittery. She approached me to tell me that my eyeshadow was gorgeous and asked me where I got it. Inside the club she then told me I was the most beautiful woman on earth and vanished into the night.
I don’t think you just met a trans woman I think you met the actual fucking Aphrodite
And I will never forget her.
This means Aphrodite is a trans woman
She's Latina too since I'm Brazilian and this happened near my hometown!
Aphrodite also spoke just.. so calmly. Like she knew without a shadow of a doubt that eventually everything was gonna be ok. She gave me a feeling of peace.
When she told me I was beautiful she didn't just go "OMG YOU'RE SO PRETTY". Instead, she approched me at the bar inside the club, looked at me for a few seconds, smiled fondly, twirled a piece of my hair not flirtatiously, but like a grandmother who hasn't seen their grandchild in ages, and said to me in Portuguese "você é linda de parar o coração" (aka, "you're beautiful enough to stop a heartbeat"), gave me another smile, and then disappeared- never to be seen again.
No you literally met Aphrodite
Why "doing something relaxing” does not help your anxiety
A lot of the time when people give advice intended to relieve anxiety, they suggest doing “relaxing” things like drawing, painting, knitting, taking a bubble bath, coloring in one of those zen coloring books, or watching glitter settle to the bottom of a jar.
This advice is always well-intentioned, and I’m not here to diss people who either give it or who benefit from it. But it has never, ever done shit for me, and this is because it goes about resolving anxiety in the completely wrong way.
THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO when suffering from anxiety is to do a “relaxing” thing that just enables your mind to dwell and obsess more on the thing that’s bothering you. You need to ESCAPE from the dwelling and the obsession in order to experience relief.
You can drive to a quiet farm, drive to the beach, drive to a park, or anywhere else, but as someone who has tried it all many, many times, trust me–it’s a waste of gas. You will just end up still sad and stressed, only with sand on your butt. You can’t physically escape your sadness. Your sadness is inside of you. To escape, you need to give your brain something to play with for a while until you can approach the issue with a healthier frame of mind.
People who have anxiety do not need more time to contemplate, because we will use it to contemplate how much we suck.
In fact, you could say that’s what anxiety is–hyper-contemplating. When we let our minds run free, they run straight into the thorn bushes. Our minds are already running, and they need to be controlled. They need to be given something to do, or they’ll destroy everything, just like an overactive husky dog ripping up all the furniture.
Therefore, I present to you:
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO WHEN ANXIOUS
–Go on a walk
–Watch a sunset, watch fish in an aquarium, watch glitter, etc.
–Go anywhere where the main activity is sitting and watching
–Draw, color, do anything that occupies the hands and not the mind
–Do yoga, jog, go fishing, or anything that lets you mentally drift
–Do literally ANYTHING that gives you great amounts of mental space to obsess and dwell on things.
THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHEN ANXIOUS:
–Do a crossword puzzle, Sudoku, or any other mind teaser game. Crosswords are the best.
–Write something. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. Write the Top 10 Best Restaurants in My City. Rank celebrities according to Best Smile. Write some dumb Legolas fanfiction and rip it up when you’re done. It’s not for publication, it’s a relief exercise that only you will see.
–Read something, watch TV, or watch a movie–as long as it’s engrossing. Don’t watch anything which you can run as background noise (like, off the top of my head, Say Yes to The Dress.) As weird as it seems, American Horror Story actually helps me a lot, because it sucks me in.
–Masturbate. Yes, I’m serious. Your mind has to concentrate on the mini-movie it’s running. It can’t run Sexy Titillating Things and All The Things That are Bothering Me at the same time. (…I hope. If it can, then…ignore this one.)
–Do math problems—literally, google “algebra problems worksheet” and solve them. If you haven’t done math since 7th grade this will really help you. I don’t mean with math, I mean with the anxiety.
–Play a game or a sport with someone that requires great mental concentration. Working with 5 people to get a ball over a net is a challenge which will require your brain to turn off the Sadness Channel.
–Play a video game, as long as it’s not something like candy crush or Tetris that’s mindless.
THINGS YOU SHOULD DO DURING PANIC ATTACKS ESPECIALLY:
–List the capitals of all the U.S. states
–List the capitals of all the European countries
–List all the shapes you can see. Or all the colors.
–List all the blonde celebrities you can think of.
–Pull up a random block of text and count all the As in it, or Es or whatever.
Now obviously, I am not a doctor. I am just an anxious person who has tried almost everything to help myself. I’ve finally realized that the stuff people recommend never works because this is a disorder that thrives on free time and free mental space. When I do the stuff I listed above, I can breathe again. And I hope it helps someone here too.
(Now this shouldn’t have to be said but if the “do nots” work for you then by all means do them. They’ve just never worked for me.)
This would’ve been great an hour ago
If your anxiety includes rapid heartbeat for no reason then it may help to exercise! It helps for me because I’m focused on whatever moves I’m doing and breathing, and it gives my heart rate a reason to be that high so that I can start the slow cooking down process and (hopefully) bring that heart rate down with it. Look up a quick cardio workout on YouTube or something and just do it in your room!
This is so, SO true.
All ‘doing something relaxing’ ever did for me was give my brain MORE free time to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
I like how this boil down to grabbing something then tell the brains weasels to GO FETCH YOU PIECES OF SHIT
YOU WANT THE STIMULUS? G O G E T I T
THANK YOU
you will be older and you will be remembering older loves and you will think - ha! bullet dodged - and you will be mourning the places you cannot go without hearing her name but you will be full of new places and they are full of newer people. you will say - okay, this time it is different - and sometimes it will be very different and sometimes it will be exactly what you had done before, but dressed up or upside down. and you will call your mother and hear yourself giggling or you will call your mother and hear the ache in your voice like a sonnet and you will never remember to tell her about that cookie recipe you tried.
on the stoop outside our house, my friends me that they just saw a ghost. a man who looks just like one of their old friends. i spend the day wondering who i look like. once on a train a woman came up and said - can i hold your hand? you look like my niece who is no longer with us. when i touch the girl i like, it is all-new and electric; when she sleeps beside me it is somehow familiar and casual and obscene in its comfort. when i go on a walk with him, we pass people with her hair or his jawbone or my hand tremor.
and you will learn to put the keys where you will actually be able to find them in the morning and you’ll learn to keep an extra set of gum in the car just in case you’re running late to an appointment and you will learn not to text back as fast just in case you are annoying. and you will be dancing under the same moon you used to dance under with her, but you will be a different person than you had been, because this person you are now knows how to accordion fold a chapbook. and you will always, always think of him when you are shuffling your pillows into their cases, but you will have a new bed and a new shampoo and a new love of calligraphy. and you will learn to look away from the sun and to take longer when you’re staring at flowers and to appreciate thread counts. and you will be older and balancing a checkbook. and older with a car. and older, and texting a friend - i feel like everything is new around her.
he says i live in him like angels live in oil slicks, rainbow wings flexing against the asphalt. when we kiss we heat the car up with the ghost of our breathing. he says touching me is atlas leaving fingerprints in volcanoes. you’re off with somebody else and i’m swimming in rose petals. he kisses me on the corner of my jaw and says i open him up like roses, hands unfolding. you were never an option, always had your heart in the middle of the road, laughing when i chased it and got run over. he holds me like gatekeeper claws.
but when i close my eyes i see you.
“ngl” implies that there are times when you’re gl.
gl!!! im gonna be fucking false with you bestie!
lonely girls my beloved. i see you staying in your room, i see you standing in grocery store aisles feeling the sudden wave of isolation wash over you. i understand how badly you want and how bad that makes you feel. i get it. we're not alone. but we are.
I just told someone they have to wear a face mask to come into the centre where I work and he said “what for” and I think I blacked out for a second
sir the pandemic
I hate that the image with the music gave me the exact intended emotion fuck u
when i put away the largest longest kitchen knife from the dishwasher to the knife block for the moment it’s in my hand i become the final girl in a horror movie. and then i go back to normal after