Chaos

Inconscupious cell of the homogenous body.

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This is how it looks like to struggle with mental illness and developmental disorders.

EDITED : Credits go to Sillvi_illustrations

You can find him on insta.

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I can feel the pain of my inner child. It is hurt. It is aching in a lonely corner on a cold night. Perhaps a stranger will come by and save it. It needs to be saved from the harshness of the world.

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“With such a hell in your heart and your head, how can you live? How can you love?”

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

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You used to wrap yourself in fairy tales like a blanket but it was the cold you loved. Sharp shivers as you uncovered the corpses of Bluebeard’s wives. Sweeter goose bumps as Prince Charming slid one glass slipper over your little toes, a perfect fit. But by the schoolyard, real princesses floated by you on fall winds. You saw the gulf between you and the rich girls and vowed to stop believing in fairy tales but the stories were in you, deep as poison. If Prince Charming was real, if he could save you, you needed to be saved from the unfairness of everything, when would he come? The answer was a cruel shrug in a hundred fleeting moments. The sneer on Stevie Smith’s face when he called you a fat cow. Uncle Jeff’s hand squeezing your ass in the Thanksgiving Kitchen. The accusation in your father’s eyes when you told him what happened. From every boy masquerading as a man that you let into your body, your heart, you learned you didn’t have whatever magic turns a beast into a prince. You surrounded yourself with the girls you’d always resented, hoping to share their power, and you hated yourself. And that diminished you even more. And then, right when you thought you might just disappear, he saw you. And you knew, somewhere deep, it was too good to be true. But you let yourself be swept, because he was the first strong enough to lift you. Now, in his castle, you understand Prince Charming and Bluebeard are the same man. And you don’t get a happy end unless you love both of him. Didn’t you want this? To be loved? Didn’t you want him to crown you? Didn’t you ask for it? Didn’t you ask for it? Didn’t you ask for it? So say you can live like this. Say you love him, say thank you, say anything but the truth. What if you can't love him back.

Beck's poem from YOU.

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'' There is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind ''

~Virginia Woolf

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Depression is silent

you never hear it coming

and suddenly it's

the loudest voice in your head

- Rupi Kaur -

Photograph by Daniel Olivares PS

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I am awfully greedy; I want everything from life.

I want to be a woman and to be a man, to have many friends and to have loneliness, to work much and write good books, to travel and enjoy myself, to be selfish and to be unselfish…

You see, it is difficult to get all which I want.

And then when I do not succeed I get mad with anger.

- Simone de Beauvoir -

Photograph by Sascha van der Werf

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How are you people? It's been a long time..

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Mom in my funeral : my daughter is in heaven now 😢

Me :

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..

Sometimes I'm powerful as a beast, ready to conquer the world.

Other times, I bearly can hold myself up.

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Content warning: suicide, torture, harassment

Sarah died by suicide today because she was different.

”To my family,

I tried to survive and failed, forgive me

To my friends,

The experience is tough and I'm too weak to resist, forgive me

To the world,

You were extremely tough on me, but I forgive "

Those were Sarah Hegizi’s last words in the suicide note she left for her loved ones. Sarah Hegazi was an Egyptian LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 activist. She came out as a lesbian in 2016. A year later, she attended a concert in Cairo, Egypt, where she raised the rainbow 🌈 pride flag. She was arrested and spent months in prison. At the detention center, the corrections officers used to make her cellmates to harass her, starve her, and beat her. Every time a judge refused to release her and sent her back to jail, she used to cry and scream not to go back because of the mental and physical torture she suffered in prison. Even after she was finally released, the police harassment never stopped. She had no choice but to leave her country and family and live in exile in Canada 🇨🇦. She described her new home as ”a strange country where I know no one.” Sarah suffered from PTSD and depression. She decided to take her own life in her apartment in Canada 🍁 and left us today, lonely. I only met Sarah once in person, before I too, left our home country to live in exile myself. She was bright, brave, joyful, and full of love and life. She was a powerful force for everyone around her. After her death, some people are still blaming her for who she loved or how she decided to end her pain. The same people forget what we did to her. They ignore the inhumane treatment. They refuse to condemn the bullying and torture she endured. They don't count the cold, lonely nights she had to spend far from everyone she loved. We broke her and we are the ones to blame. We killed a beautiful human being because she loved differently in a society that sees different as wrong. Sarah didn't kill herself. We killed Sarah. We killed Sarah twice. First, when we pushed her away and refused to understand that we don't have the ability to choose who we love. And then we killed her again when we blamed her for her decision. To Sarah, your generous soul forgave us for what we did, but we don't deserve your forgiveness. May your beautiful spirit rest in peace.

Written by Esam Boraey

Rest in power Sarah

Till when?

UPDATE : ppl are still insulting her and are happy cuz she's gone, claiming that she might be burning in hell rn 😵.

How cruel the world is right 😢

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If you don't love yourself, who's gonna do it?