β« This blog has no age limit, but some posts might be triggering/not appropriate for younger ppl. I will do my best to tag, but your comfort is not my responsibility! You have been warned!
β IM BAD AT TWs SORRYY TwT
β« I've been a vocaloid fan since I was like 9.. my favorite is actually Teto! IDC IF SHES NOT A REAL VOCALOID SHE IZ TO ME!! >:[
β This is a vent blog btw.. I vent on here like everyday.
WARNING !!
This account is not an argument. This is a personal dairy I write in durring BPD episodes to show to my therapist. If you try to argue, I will be mean. Because I only open this account durring BPD episodes. You have been warned.
β«TWz:
Venting, paranoia, bpd splitting
β« DNI:
Republicans, nazis, Trump Supporters, Christians, Jesus freaks of any kind, racists, Homophobes, transphobes, ppl who use the BPDlovedones subreddit, ppl who hate on ppl with BPD, ppl who just wanna argue ..to be continued
Ok soo I have surg3ry tomorrow. It's an endom3triaI abIation for possible End0metriosis. (Censoring some words in hopes no one who knows me sees this but wtvr.) I dont rlly have anyone to talk about it with but im pretty nervous.
Dumb stuff like "durr what if I dont wake up from anesthesia??" But also what if I dont have end0 and its all in my head??? I certainly don't //want// end0 but it would explain all of my symptoms and finally give me answers. That's all I want is answers, and a cure for all the weird shit that goes on in my body.
But also :[[ my husband had t0p surgery last month and everyone seemed to care a lot more about his surgery than they did mine. My mom came and spent a few nights at our place and babied him. A couple people visited and brought food. He got money get well soon gifts from people. These people being our families and close friends.
No one is coming to visit me. No one is making me food. All of our friends are now busy with their own important stuff. I talked to my mom on the phone today and when I asked if she was gonna spend a few days with me while I heal she said, "why? U r gonna be fine." Like?? Im honestly so upset. I cried for hours by myself.
I was just talking to my husband a few days ago how I feel like I dont belong anywhere. I seem to make ppl so uncomfortable when I walk into a room. I feel like an alien. He tried to comfort me and tell me that wasn't true, but this whole thing has just completely proved it.
I just wish I had someone show up for me:[ I feel so lonely.
So my mom called yesterday and asked if she could borrow some money. She said my sister's college fund took out double the normal amount since its the beginning of the year. Ok, I guess that could make sense.
I got a bunch of cash for Christmas. It's what I asked for. Im trying to save up to move to Chicago.
I leave a $100 on the counter for her to pick up. She comes in, grabs the money, and goes into my bathroom.
I go up to the door, about to knock and say hi, when I hear her calling someone. So I stop, and listen. They pick up.
She says, "Hey where do you want to meet up?" --- "Yeah just 10 p3rcs."
So. Ig she spent my Christmas money on drvgs. Again. :']
She's done that my whole life. She used to open up my long distant relatives cards and take the cash before giving them to me.
I should have known better.
She sent me a text about how thankful she is that im always there for her and stuff.
" Thanks for always being the one person I can count on. Ill always be here for you. No matter what. You are my best friend. My ride or die. You have been since the beginning and you will be til the end. I truly love you so much! "
I felt so loved. Now I just feel stupid. She used me.
Im the fvcking laughing stock of this family. The ugly duck, the cash cow, the one who ruined their life. I'll be better off away from this place. Away from these people. No matter how much they pretend to love me, they just want money from me. That's it.
I can't wait to move. It's the only thing keeping me here atp. The hope of a new life, new friends, and a possible future for myself.
My husband likes to play this prank on me sometimes..
Tonight we were on the phone when he pulls up to the house. My volume went away and phone connected to the Bluetooth in his car, I disconnected it and asked, "did you just pull up? My phone just connected to someone's Bluetooth."
He said, "no" thats it. Just no.
I start to freak out cuz who's Bluetooth did I just connect too?? Thats super weird. Im walking around to see if maybe a speaker turned on or something, still freaking out, when he opens the door.
I know to some ppl thats not a big deal. Its just a joke/prank. It is to me tho, and ive told him before I dont like when he does it.
I ask him a question, he says "no" and then let's me scramble around before revealing the answer was Yes the whole time. I hate it. He knows I hate it.
I put so much trust in him, whatever he says I believe it without a second thought. Or, well, in simple situations like this i do.
Now for the next few weeks ill be super paranoid about every yes/no question I ask him and other ppl. Ik thats probably stupid, but i feel stupid for just believing everything he says. Idk.
I feel so dumb rn.
Im gonna take some time to myself cuz I can tell this is gonna turn into a split. Im on my period and I dont wanna deal with this rn. [I feel betrayed, i guess. idk]
So someone tried to educate you why dating as a couple is considered unethical in the polyamory community, then you tried to personally attack them, potentially misgendered their partners, and slut shamed them. They were pretty reasonable in their responses and then you blocked the whole thing.
They doxxed themselves? They posted about a secure resort that gets a couple hundred visitors a day. You just didn't have a good defense for wanting to unicorn hunt.
Go back to your therapist FR.
Heyy sooo they attacked me first. Didnt respect my DNI.
READ MY PINNED BEFORE INTERACTING!!! THAT INCLUDES U, ANON π
They said their partners were "my two boyfriends" so I referred to them as such.
Slvt shamming where??
I blocked the whole thing to keep them safe??? Becuase they doxed themselves???? No i dont want anyone to know their exact location, my bad.
And Idc where ur at, never post ur location on the internet. im afraid thats the first thing about internet safety they teach in primary school.
Posting your location on the internet is doxxing yourself, by definition.
Hope this helps!
Do not interact with my account again, anon. Im not here to argue.
ANYONE ELSE ARGUING GETS BLOCKED IMMEDIATELY. I WILL NOT RESPOND TO ANYMORE HATEFUL MESSAGES. DISRESPECTFULLY FVCK 0FF.
What the fuck was that person on about π I'm so sorry Miku I hope you have a good day. Take care of yourself the right people are out there for you π
Girlll idk I privated all the reblogs I made and blocked everyone who was apart of it. Also turning off reblogs for all of my controversial posts 4 now on cuz I hate arguing wigh ppl. Love u anon thx 4 checking in, srry i didnt see this sooner TwT
Imagine being so miserable that when someone makes a post excited to find love, you get mad. Couldn't be me omg..
Anyway, they r blocked now cuz this is my Tumblr and I can post whatever I want!!! Just remind me to never use the Polyam tag again cuz holyyyy shit those ppl r insane lmaoooo
Vent Post | Heavy TW 4 this one- sh, ed, NSFW NO MINORS !!!, triggers, other stuff probably
Its 2:28 am, my bf is asleep, and ofc im having an episode. β« Lets discuss. β«~
π
My recent triggers <3
1. I finally left the Ghost community. After being in the fandom since 2018 it was a pretty big thing for me. I realized a few months ago, when the whole Jutty thing happened (iykyk), that literally none of the Ghouls were real and the fandom is just having a mass hysteria like situation. π Like "Swiss Ghoul" was never real. The fandom made him up, never once was he a real person or cannon in the Ghost lore. Mass hysteria. Yikes lol
I feel abandoned maybe? Betrayed? Lied too? Idk tbh. I feel like i lost apart of me leaving, but its what I have to do to keep my mental health strong.
2. I started participating in a //different// fandom ive been apart of since 2016 and it's.. not what I expected to say the least. I joined the "yume shipping" side of the fandom and.. these ppl are nuts. Some of them genuinely believe their f/o is REAL and WAITING FOR THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE?? I mentioned (half jokingly) that my f/o wasnt my real husband, and that I was married irl and PEOPLE BLOCKED ME OVER THAT. Like π oh. My god. I thought it was just like selfshipping but apparently not. Ive formed connections with some of these people and im genuinely concerned for them. Saying "i can't wait to die so I can be with (character name)" is normal for them. And if you try to talk to them about it, they get mad. So! Time to leave that fandom space! Cuz holy shit! Someone's actually gonna die and I can't handle that.
Definitely loss. Fandom culture has changed a lot these last few years, I feel like its not 4 me anymore. I miss 2016 fandom culture so bad.
3. Irl friend (the only one i hav haha) is acting weird. She wants me to come thrifting with her tomorrow, but shes flaked out on me so much recently that I guarantee shes gonna do it again. Shes bpt1 and has been manic for like 2 months. I love her so much but atp im lost on what to do, and have to distance myself from my only irl. Great, wonderful. Wtvr.
I feel abandoned. Like she doesn't wanna hang out with me because she hates me lol.. ik thats not true, she has her own issues atm, its just what my brain is saying.
4. TORNADOS. TOMORROW. And my bf will b at work. So ill be alone, huddled in a bathtub. I dont believe in God, but pray 4 me. /j do not do that ew tf
PTSD!!! Ive been in several deadly tornados and im terrified of them. + Abandonment cuz my bf wont quit his important adult job to be with me ππ /sarcasm lmaoooo
5. My closest online friend is ALSO acting weird. He only wants to play fortnite and im so burnt out on it, but if we dont play that he wont play anything else. Its his special interest game, so I get it, but its been every time we've hung out for the last year and a half. Since July of 2024. I cannot bring myself to play more fvcking fortnite.
Idk what to call this one, but it feels like my interests don't matter to him.
6. Its that time of year again where my stomach has decided im not hungry, ever! So I haven't eaten a full meal in like.. 2 weeks. I was like "nah im gonna tough it out this year fs." Nope! Ouch! Not happening, I feel like im gonna b sick.
Not rlly a trigger, but being hungry doesn't help my mood lolz
7. Random ppl on Tumblr arguing with me who clearly haven't read my pinned or even visited my acc. So annoying. Like no, sorry, im not on group sex cheating on my husband side of tumblr. My bad. I'm on BPD venting tumblr, my family. Stay on your side of that line PLEASE.
PTSD ~ My dad core β¨οΈ i hate stupid random pointless arguments just for the sake of arguing. This one is the WORST k1ll me plz.
8. Found mold in my apartment, that explains a lot lmaoooo
PTSD fs.
9. I havent practiced driving in 2 days im never getting this stupid license. Im such a failure ughh
Not living up to expectations
10. My sex drive is currently non existent but I want to soooo bad ily bf he's so hot oough π€€π€€ but my dingaling ain't dingalongin wtfffff π€―π€―π€―π€―π€―
Not living up to expectations, again
11. Got a new cat cuz my OG cat was lonely. Vet recommended. Adopted from a local shelter, they tell me hes 1.5 years old. Noooope! He was only 4 months old!!!! I did NOT want a kitten. I cannot handle a kitten. I love him so much, but he eats everything and chews on everything and destroys everything. Its very very very frustrating and triggering tbh becuase of trama with ppl destroying my things when they're mad at me in the past.
PTSD
~~
Umm yeah idk thats all I can think of and im actually getting sleepy now so ig im gonna go 2 bed. Or at least try too. O.o
Maybe if ur seeing this you could leave a nice ask 4 me 2 wake up too. Yell at me to actually get up out of bed and do something with my life lmaoooo /hj /lh
Luv u BPD baddies have a gn. Or gm, wherever u are. β‘
Chat. I made a little drawing on wplace in my town for a super niche fandom and made a couple of new friends!! What a weird way to make friends, but it worked!!
Uh update on this, they ended up being super weird (hasbin hotel, fake DID homestuck personalities, talking about proshippers all the time, 4chan user) and we stopped talking. π€ HAHA I FUCCCCKING HATE THIS TOWN GET ME OUTTTTTTT
Personal rant | Kinda NSFW? Idk 18+ on this post just incase.
Me and my boyfriend met through a mutual ex of ours that we dated at the same time. As a throuple.
Which is cool btw, no complaints there. We broke up with them becuase they cheated on us with like 7 different ppl. Loll it's ok we're over it.
But when we were dating it was pretty nice. Having 2 people sleeping on each side of me. When one partner didn't want to go out or be intimate, sometimes the other would! I'd always have someone around to hang out with while the other was at work or school. It was nice! I will admit, I miss it. Not the person, but having 2 partners.
Me and my boyfriend are both poly, we have lots of love to go around. We've tried dating apps, social groups, whatever. With no luck, of course.
Either people only want to date one of us (which is fine, just not what we're looking for), only want s3x without romance or an actual relationship, or they're already in an established relationship and their other partner isn't poly!
And im sure some people are thinking, yeah Miku no one likes a Unicorn Hunter. Thats not what we want at all tho!! Idk how to communicate that with ppl TwT
First of all, neither of us are cis and we are both AFAB. Second of all, we're not looking for cishet people. We want a serious long term relationship, where the 3rd person would eventually move in and we would spend the rest of our lives together. Like it would start off as going on dates, buying gifts for them, having sleepovers, then getting more serious. Eventually id love to have a marriage like ceremony with them! Like a regular relationship. Except there's 3 people instead of 2. Thats not?? Hard to understand is it????
Like this isn't some fun expirement, we're not swingers. It wouldnt be like "oh we're the original couple, you're the third." They wouldnt be expendable, or left out of things. It would be me and my 2 boyfriends who also love eachother. It would just be.. normal??
Ugh idk how to explain it chat. I have autism and I just wanna love more people, ok?? Is that hard????? Apparently, yes.
Its all this stupid town we live ins' fault. I hate the Midwest. I just wanna move to the west coast where ppl are weird so im not so weird. I can be free. With my people.
This would be us chat, do you see the vision???? It would be like polytrix but we're all boys. π
Also, if you're appart of the TCC, Miku fucking hates you!! You're just as bad as Twink-ler. I dare you to contact one of the columbine victims' parents and tell them how you feel about the guys who murdered their kid. Go get therapy and stop romanticizing irl murders. There are lots and lots of fictional murders your mentally ill brain can get attached to! Go pick one!
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