Life is Confusing.

My confused thoughts at your service.

[musicgamsang]

I don't know.

There are so many complications to life. You could be a full grown adult supporting a family or you could be a college kid who watches Netflix all night; You will still have responsibilities, and no one will live life for you. I think that's just the thing I don't know about though. I don't think I have enough interest to do any of the things that are supposed to be important in my life, and I don't have enough interest to take care of my responsibilities. Perhaps I am just being plain lazy. I don't have the motivation to anything, and I don't really feel anything emotionally either. I want some new scenery. I want a fresh breath of air. I think I'm tired of being responsible and want to let it all go. I just want to dig up a hole for myself and jump in. I want to stay in there for a long time.

[musicgamsang]

My return.

I'm not sure if this is official yet, but I am stressed out lately and this is the only thing I can turn to. grades don't ever seem like a big deal when compared to the big things that are happening in the world, but I can't help feeling so helpless when my grades are going down. I act like I don't care as a coping mechanism, but it doesn't make my bad grade away. It makes my stress even worse if I do that. It's very frustrating when you know it's not a matter of reducing the amount of times you procrastinate. It makes me feel dumb not to be able to learn the material. It's just so... stressful. I could be caring too much, but then again, in the perspectives of who? There's always room for improvement.

[hawaiidope-deactivated20201003]

what if i bought a cactus and carried it around and just whacked everyone who annoys me with the cactus

[musicgamsang]

Lol so funny.

[musicgamsang]

Yep.

[musicgamsang]

Borderline Depression pt. 1

I did a self diagnosis test for depression online today. Although the test is probably not accurate, it had said that I have borderline depression; I think I believe it to be true. I have periods of times when I lose interest in every one of my hobbies and don't want to do anything. When I am closed off in my room, I often have times when I lose sense of reality, and if it weren't for the posters on my white wall, I would lose it for good. I don't know why though. That's the only unexplained part. I feel that I had a pretty good and stable life with plenty of love from my parents. Perhaps my tendency to shrug off bad events put me in a state of denial, where I think past events haven't really affected me. I don't know if it's appropriate for me to post everything about myself, but perhaps I should ignore the thought and explore my past a little through this Tumblr post. Keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times ladies and gentlemen because it's going to be a long and choppy write! (see what I did there?... It wasn't funny?...Oh... Okay, I'll shut up now)

Baby-Hood (Age 0~7)

My baby hood was probably the best times of my life. It was probably when I was the most innocent and most adorable. It's funny because I don't remember most of my baby hood. I think it would be awesome if I did because my parents traveled with me a lot. We traveled to Japan, Thailand, China, Hong Kong, Canada, America etc etc. (This was when I still lived in Korea btw) I still look back at my baby-hood pictures and tear up at how happy and innocent I looked, under the affection of my mom. (I'd like to say both my parents, but I don't have a lot of pictures taken with my dad.) Perhaps that was one of the issues... I can't know because I don't remember most of this time period.

Baby-hood was also the time period when my mom went through treatments for breast cancer. It was thankfully discovered quick enough. I can't imagine life without my mom. I don't remember much, but I was at my grandparents' house often for this experience. Actually, I remember most of my baby hood being at my grandparents' house. hmmm...

Child-Hood

Now this is when I move to America for good. I was distraught. I didn't want to leave my friends and family to move here. I didn't know any English, and I didn't know much of the culture here either. It probably might have been an okay start for me if I didn't live in an area where everyone was ghetto. When I started school in America for the first time, grade 1, I was bullied. I remember doing homework on the bus and I was made fun of and laughed at. It was something to do with writing letters or something where I was told to use two fingers to space my words. The kids on my bus laughed at me and mocked me for using two fingers. I remember that those kids were in the 4th grade, whereas I was only in 1st. I didn't know much English so there was nothing I could do then. I wish I could go back and save myself. I remember the bus number, and I also remember the bus driver comforting me. She told me to ignore the other kids and told me it was good to see a kid as nice as me existed on the bus. My mom used to hate the kids that would make me miserable and would yell at them to keep away. She would also go to my school and complain about the bullies with her short English. Some kids might think it might be embarrassing, but she was truly my hero. It was probably harder on my mom to see me go through all that, than it was for me. My eyes tear up just thinking about those times of hardship.

This is still in the 1st grade. I remember hanging out with the popular clique; The typical main bitch with the other followers worshiping her and watching her every move. The main bitch was a horrible person, but I still stuck with her because she was the only "true" friend I had at the time. Now on to the details of the story. This was a time when the teacher told us to line up to go the bathroom. I was in one of the stalls of the bathroom when the main bitch was looking down at me from the very top of the bathroom stall wall. At first I was surprised, but then I laughed it off and got out. The problem started when a rat told the teacher what had happened in the stalls. The main bitch was summoned by the teacher and she was asked if she had actually climbed up on the toilet paper dispenser to peek at the other students. She replied that she hadn't and that I was the one who really did it. The teacher immediately called me up and started to yell at me. I tried to tell her the truth, but she wouldn't believe me. Another girl stood up for me and tried to tell her what had really happened, but that teacher just would not listen. She had told me she would send me to the principles office if I continued to argue with her, so I had to stop. I remember how the teacher looked and what her name was.

Only my mom and I were in America at the time because my dad was still clearing up stuff from his business and such, so my mom couldn't really spend much time with me because of work. We lived at my mom's friends house, in their basement. It had a couch, bedrooms, a kitchen, and a bathroom, but it was humid, funny smelling, and was filled with dust and bugs. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't the best place to live in either. I remember my mom and I having breakfast every morning together. Also, my mom and I would often comfort each other and would spend time watching TV or talking to each other. Each other was what kept us going. Back to the part about how my mom had to work thing. Because the house wasn't ours, we only had one key. I'm assuming my mom kept it because I certainly didn't have it. When I came home from school, there would be times when my mom would be late from work and I would have to stand outside of the house, without a clue on when my mom would come back. The house was often empty during the day and I was forced to wait, wait, and wait. I'm not going to lie, I cried often. Although now I know that my mom would have definitely come back eventually, I think I was a bit paranoid and insecure at the time. Waiting for my mom brought huge distress and panic. I'm older now and I still panic when I lose my keys. Of course, I have my phone with me to resolve the issues. If it's still hard for me now, imagine how hard it was for me back in the 1st grade. It was absolutely the worst. There were times when I had to go to the bathroom, and couldn't because I couldn't get inside. It was such a miserable experience for me. I do not want to go back ever. (Unless I can change it.)

I think this is where I'm going to end my first post. Writing about my whole life is going to take me a while.

[musicgamsang]

I fear...

rejection

emptiness

being left behind

judgement

change

[musicgamsang]

Take a listen.

[musicgamsang]

High on every sound.

"High on every sound" - Icona Pop

When hearing this from Icona Pop's song, "Nights like this," I truly feel that I am listening to the greatest line of lyrics ever. When I hear this, I imagine myself being sent to a new world; A world where you float on every note; A world where you can close your eyes and the music will carry you anywhere you want to go. I imagine myself not only hearing the music, but feeling every beat and every frequency wave jolting through my body. Every delicate line of melody flowing majestically through my blood stream, filling me with excitement and joy. Every graceful yet powerful sound surrounds me and serenades me. I see no one, I hear no one, I know nothing but what  I feel: Greatness. It's scary yet exciting how I feel this way, but if there was a way for me to open up this dimension, I don't think I'd ever want to get out. 

[musicgamsang]

Poker face.

I was talking to my friend last night via text and I asked him, “Did I change from when we were little?” He had answered, “You became more free and straight forward with expressing yourself.” I thought about that for a few moments and had thought to myself, couldn't being free and straight forward hurt other people? I usually pretend I don’t care about a lot of things and do the opposite of how I feel. I put on a poker face and put myself in a state where I am in denial of everything I feel. It’s hard to explain. I push my guilty or panic driven feelings aside and go with what I want to do. It’s like I have a clone of myself in my head. I guess it’s that gut feeling people typically get. I think I need to start listening to it again because it’s pushing me to a state where I don’t really follow my morals anymore despite all the yelling it has been doing towards me. That’s always fun, right? Idk everything is just muy complicado. I mean it’s just a psychological thing and the way I see things, but it still doesn't make it easy to change my thinking quickly and immediately. I have to be gradual. Idk what I’m saying… -_- But, do I ever?

[musicgamsang]

Insecure girl.

Leading up from my "I'm a loner." post, I'd like to confess something. I act nonchalant, and confident, but on the inside, I am insecure as ever. I am insecure about everything. The way I look, the way I sound, the way I smell, the way I seem, absolutely everything. I've just gradually learned to cover it up. It is true that I say "what ever" a lot and I shrug off a lot of things, but for a split second in my mind, my emergency radar goes off and I have a mini panic session. For example, I could forget to study for a test, and I'll totally care and panic on the inside, but I will shrug it off and laugh at myself when it comes to what I project verbally. I will say something stupid like "Haha I just remembered I had a test today. Oh well I guess I'll just fail. What ever," but on the inside, I am really being afraid of failing and am bashing myself for forgetting. It's shitty sometimes to have a poker face all the time, but I can't help it. If I notice that I wore the wrong colored shoes when rushing out the door to catch the bus in the morning, I'll think about it all day and I will focus on hiding them for the rest of the day. That's how insecure I am. If someone says something shitty about me, I will shrug it off and say "haters will hate," but I will remember everything they said and will think about it the rest of the day and possibly the next. I am easily hurt and damaged, and I won't even hold a grudge on you for it. I'll just act confident for a split moment and say something to you to confront you then go think about it some more for the rest of the day. This is why I wonder what people think about me, and this is why I say that no one truly knows who I am. I am two faced. Perhaps not in the way that the term "two faced" is usually used, but this is true. My lack of confidence keeps me from many things and sometimes, I hate it. I have to make up fake excuses to people and sometimes hurt them if my cover is about to be blown. I don't want people to think I am weak for some reason. I guess it's my pride. I will not allow myself to seem weak. I'm not exactly sure why. Sometimes, I wish more people would peer into my Tumblr so that they will see who I really am, but I am afraid to post that link to a place where everyone I know can see. I am afraid they will judge me for the way I think, the language I use, and the decisions I make; The way I am. I guess I try to follow the saying "If you don't want it done to you, don't do it yourself." I try not to judge other people because I don't want to be judged, and I try to understand people because I want to be understood. Anyway, I should probably sleep now. I don't even know if any of this made sense, but I am tired AF. I'm leaving now. Good night Tumblr.

P.S This doesn't mean that what I verbally project isn't completely untrue either. It is still part of me, but it's only the surface. I think that's what I'm getting at; People think I am confident and nonchalant, but it's not the case all the time.

[musicgamsang]

I'm a loner.

I am a loner. I have enough friends, but i don't have anyone that I completely trust. Earlier in the week, my friend had told me about an incident where she found out who her "true" friends were. In response to her story, I told her that I don't trust anyone to be a "true" friend nor think of anyone as one because humans are a type of species that should not be trusted. Humans are ones to love, not trust. The only people you can trust are your family members, but seeing how I am at the age where I keep secrets from them, I can't rely on them to listen to all of my problems anymore (They will most likely punish me, or judge me with their own set of morals). it's unfortunate, but it's true. Absolutely no one can be trusted. I think I myself is not a good person to trust either. I will try to the best of my ability to keep the secret, but there are times when it just slips my mind. Humans make mistakes, so even if they are the most heavy duty person in terms of secrets (like me), they will eventually fuck up sometime. Knowing this, I choose to trust no one. I've already gone through the shock after experiencing someone that I thought I could trust back stabbing me, and of other people backstabbing each other... It made me go through a depression, and I don't want to go through it again. I don't think depressions ever go away. They just retreat for a little bit, then creep on you again. At least that's how it is for me anyway... I don't know how I thought of this idea, but I do believe that I am a loner. Perhaps not in the eyes of other people, but to me, I am. It's unfortunate how it's impossible for me to trust anyone because I would really love to. When I see people with their closest friends whom they think they can trust, I envy them. I wish I were dumb and innocent enough to believe that friends will always be friends and that they can truly be trusted. Maybe if I actually started trusting my friends, I wouldn't be so lonely. A lot of people think I am laid back and nonchalant, but this is exactly the reason why. I have been so disappointed by humans that if a friend or someone makes a shit move, I can automatically say that I was expecting it, and forget about it. If I didn't forget about it, I'd have no friends because no matter how awesome a friend is, they are bound to disappoint me with their shit moves at some point. It's just life I suppose. This is why I like people who are as chill and laid back as me. They won't expect much from me, and I won't expect much from them. It works out. That's a friendship that will last a long time because the other forgives the other. They may not be able to be TRUE friends because they will be skeptical about each other, but they will forgive and forget. I don't know if any of this made sense, but as people end anything, "so uhh... yeah."

[musicgamsang]

Mental.

I think I am a very weird person because today, I was thinking, and I want to know what it feels like to be totally mental; Up to the point where I can't control myself. I want to know how it feels like to break down into tears and not be able to do anything about it. It's very odd and it's even odder that I am confessing my weird thoughts, but I think it might be a cool experience. Perhaps not while I am experiencing it, but after I do, I think I'll look back and say, "cool." Perhaps I've been watching a bit too many teen drama shows where mental people are common scenery. Questioning if I should stop watching those shows, I've even asked my psychology teacher what the maximum age for being influenced by the media was. He had said that it was usually up til the early teens and as a response, I asked him about people my age. He had said that it depends on the parenting and the teenager's environment, but generally we are able to choose what we want to do, and what our choices will be. So I guess I have no excuse for thinking I want to be mental. Usually people want the best things in life, but I want to break down to the point where I can barely get up. I think having that experience will change me. I will no longer be weak, and I will be able to face anything by myself and resist any temptation, and will be able to guide myself away from any negative thing that will cause me harm in any way. I have morals, but I feel that experiencing being mental for a while will put me in a good path. I want to experience something so suckish that it will put it out of my system forever. It sucks having everything together all the time. Perhaps I already do have a mental illness; I just don't know it. Maybe I'm in denial. I don't know.

[musicgamsang]

Filling.

I’m like a chocolate truffle, except I am not pleasant like a truffle is. Idk if it is because I am pmsing, but I am just filled with sorrow and anger. I feel like I have the biggest problems in the world and no one understands me. We all know that isn't true, there are plenty of others with worse, but it's just the way I feel. It’s annoying. I cried so hard at church tonight. It was the hardest I’ve cried in a while. And I don’t ever cry hard. It felt awful yet awesome at the same time. I felt like I was getting all the shit out of my system, yet I didn’t like the way how I was crying over nothing. Bittersweet, the moment was. After I had finished crying, I thought about it and I decided to forgive my dad. I accepted that I should have been more respectful and loving to him. I love my dad, but sometimes, I just want to tell him to stop talking to me forever, and I know I can’t ever do that. He’s family. There is no compromise when it comes to family. You either work it out mutually or appologize first. My dad and I had a mutual work-out tonight. He came to give me a hug and say sorry to me after the church service was over. I felt very sorry and I'm sure he did too. I don’t regret saying bad things about him on my last Tumblr post because that’s how I still feel about the situation, but I feel that my words were too much. He didn’t deserve the verbal abuse from behind his back. I think I just gotta learn to lose. My dad and I are much too similar and are much too stubborn. I’m guessing that if I try to lose first, he’ll eventually notice and try along with me. Pray for me Tumblr peeps. Pray.

[musicgamsang]

That time of month.

I know this is a bit TMI but I’m gonna talk about this anyway. It’s something natural, so I don’t see why I can’t talk about it without making someone feel uncomfortable. It’s that time of month again… The month where my hormones go cray cray and I bitch out over every small little thing I’d usually laugh at. I absolutely hate it. Cramps, back pains, head aches, fatigue, you name it. I get it all in a package. Not to mention the emotional pains of questioning my identity every month and going through depression for two weeks per month. It’s absolutely the most craziest time where I make the most rash decisions with no regrets. It’s also the time when I become selfish and hurt the people around me through verbal abuse. It makes me feel absolutely horrible for those two weeks and changes my personality completely. I make the worst decisions ever and it’s just a really unnecessary time. I seriously get depressed over nothing and it’s the most annoying thing ever. What the hell. All this for a baby that I'm not even gonna have right now. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy. I think I’m done ranting.... Stop reading this and bring me some chocolate. Now.

[musicgamsang]

I take back everything.

I am a total bitch. I shouldn't have been in denial of the fact that my dad meant well. I am just a short tempered teenager who causes their parents to be in pain. I could never wish for a better dad. He is just absolutely the best. I love you, dad. I truly am sorry for everything.

[musicgamsang]

Reflection yet again.

So I haven’t written a Tumblr post in a while… I’ve been writing about how awful my dad was but I never cared to see his side of the story I guess. He asked me to throw away the trash from my room today so I go downstairs to throw it away. As I’m coming down, I see the laundry on the table and I ask, “Is this a trap? Are you going to make me do laundry with you?” He goes, “What are you talking about. Your going to do it alone.” Say whaaa???? -_- Then I ask him to do the laundry with me and he says no. Then he just off topic-ly says, “I’m sick of cleaning up rotten foods because you and your mom don’t do it. You just leave food inside of a pot on top of the stove and don’t care to see what’s going on inside.” Then I say, “I did the dishes that you and mom left home today.” Then he tells me he’s not going to do anything anymore and tells me to do everything myself. Wtf… Then he walks away and watches TV on the couch… So then I walk past him to go upstairs and say “아빠는 쪼잔해,” which basically implies that he doesn’t take stuff like a man. He’s not nonchalant about everything like a “real” man should. Then he replies “그래 아빠는 쪼잔하다,” which implies, “Yeah. I am. So what?” Sometimes I feels that he’s immature, more than me. I wonder why he had that little “fit.” Whenever something doesn’t go his way (say that I say I’m doing something else when he asks me to do something), he’ll be like “Well I’m not doing anything for you from now on then.” It’s annoying but it’s gotta bother him when I say no, just as much as it bothers me when he asks me to do something while I'm busy, right? I think I should listen to him more often than I do. End of reflection part II. P.S My mom’s definitely wearing the pants in this marriage.

[musicgamsang]

Are all dads this ignorant?

I’ve been watching ABCFamily’s Switched At Birth lately and I’ve been getting very aggrivated by the father (not Angelo). How could he be so narrow minded? He thinks he’s perfect with his selfish and stubborn Republican ideals and he believes everything he does is right. What aggrivates me even more is how alike he is with my dad. (besides the fact that my dad is a Democrat) I know I’ve talked about this before but my dad is just too much to deal with. I try being nice to him but he’s much too aggrivating for me to do so. He’s always complaining about how I’m only nice to him when I am asking him for something, but that’s because that’s the only time I feel he’s being nice to me. He is so straight forward and so damn honest that it makes me so angry at him for pointing out the obvious. There are things I want to hide but he ALWAYS has to point them out. It doesn’t satisfy him until he does. It’s just the way it is. For once I want him to comfort me even if he lies to me, just once. I want him to stop being so hurtful to me and I want him to talk to me a bit nicer. He always critisizes me on what I do and I’m getting sick of it. He tries to teach me and point out my mistakes to me every freaking time I do something wrong. I can’t take it. Why dad why. Seriously, can’t you talk to me without critisizing me, just for once? Please?