We went on a whale/nature watching trip once in Nova Scotia and since it was late in the season, we didn't see any cetaceans, but the guy promised we'd see bald eagles. How could he promise this? He had trained the local eagles to come by the boat by throwing frozen McDonald's burger patties out for them like frisbees.
absolutely looosssinggg it. i'm so obsessed with movies which portray the woman MC in a highly specific job because the writers clearly think it's like "off-beat" and "quirky" but have no idea how the field works whatsoever.
i decided to try a romcom i somehow missed i the 2000s 'head over heels' and i got 3 and a half minutes in and we're introduced to the lonely MC with bad taste in men as evidenced by her extremely short list of ex boyfriends, including her first boyfriend when she was 11 or something because i guess that's still relevant in her adult life.
so she's resigned herself to never finding love and prefers to ignore men to focus all her energy into her career.
this job is immediately presented as though it's for spinsters with no hope of ever finding a man.
the mc's lesbian bestie (whose first line involves her being scolded for being too sexual in the workplace, but moving on) points out their colleagues as evidence that they're doomed to a romance-less, sexless life if they don't switch up their shared career path. the colleagues are three old women, so-dubbed "the menopause triplets":
these women are presented as if they have no idea what's going on at any given moment. this is 2001, and presumably this is an entry level job requiring low effort and no experience.
then their boss bursts into the room, unceremoniously bumping a large painting into the door jam and walls, announcing that it's a new project for our MC.
our MC is thrilled to see the painting. apparently it's a light in the daily slog at her dreary job for loser women with nothing going on in their lives.
And that job is? Conservator of paintings (specializing in Renaissance) at the New York City Metropolitan Museum of Art.
The painting being handled like an old couch on its way to the curb?
The Bacchanal of the Andrians by Titian.
Her lesbian colleague who is presumably also a a highly trained & skilled curator finds it depressing that the MC is so excited about the painting.
it's a quirk unique to this MC that she cares so much about paintings, in her department at the metropolitan museum of art, where her colleagues find all that art business rather dreary. because we all know that's what conservators in extremely competitive museum positions are like.
I'm not saying there can't be lifelong love in here somewhere but I also just feel like the monogamous heterosexual marriage you're fantasizing about isn't necessarily best represented by the bacchanal. and that's okay. but i do stand by that.
I love thai iced tea. if you've ever had it, you probably love it too. I want it all the time in the summer. "what if I could make it myself at home?" I thought, when I was young and unafraid and dreams were made and used and wasted.
what I made, dear reader, was not thai tea, but something that should probably be sold at gas stations as a party drug.
the first step of my quest was to look up recipes for thai iced tea; most called for a combination of cheap black tea, a bunch of whole spices that seemed tricky and uneconomical for me to get my hands on, and red food coloring, plus the sweetened condensed milk and half-and-half that are standard add-ins when serving. but I found a tea blend that promised it all in one (except the milk), and a recipe that, when I skimmed it, seemed to call for such a tea blend—they even mentioned the same brand as one of the teas they'd recommend if their top choice is unavailable.
I ordered the goods. they arrived. today was the day to make my tea dreams come true.
I followed the instructions as written: boil 4 cups of water, add 1 cup of thai tea mix and 3/4 cup of sugar, simmer for 3 minutes, then remove from heat and allow to steep for half an hour before you strain it. I waited. I ran out to buy coffee filters because I forgot how straining works. I came back. the house smelled amazing. it probably took a little longer than 30 minutes in all, but that was no big deal—after all, the recipe said the more concentrated the tea was, the better it would be!
straining it took a weirdly long time. I went through 4 or 5 coffee filters! and at the end I only had like, maybe 2 cups of a near-opaque, viscous black fluid that seemed to absorb all the light in the room. here it is held directly in front of a lamp:
but hey, it smelled exactly like thai tea! I'd nailed it! and as the recipe author herself said:
I poured up the requisite one cup or so in a glass, added ice and half-and-half, and took the first sip. and it was thai tea! except, for some reason, it made the hair stand up on the back of my neck and triggered a faint ringing in my ears? but all the sugar and milk really mellows out the flavor, so I still had about four sips total before my body fully caught up and began to respond as though I'd just downed the same number of shots of espresso.
it was at this moment that I, as someone who is more sensitive to caffeine than the average bear, began to suspect maybe, just maybe, I had fucked up.
the recipe called for "1 cup of thai tea." the tea I ordered online came in individual tea sachets, so I tore them open one by one and dumped the contents out until I had enough to fill a standard measuring cup. the recipe did not mention that step and at no point in that process did it occur to me that maybe, just maybe, there's a difference in the brew strength of bagged tea vs. loose leaf, and by "1 cup of thai tea," they were referring to the latter. by my count, I tore open like, 12 tea bags?
the instructions on the back of the tea tin say to brew 1 bag in 300ml of water. in yankee measurements, 300ml is 1.5 cups.
expected: 1 bag in 1.5 cups water = 2/3 bag per cup for 3-5 minutes
actual: 12 bags in 4 cups water = 3 bags per cup for 30+ minutes
so, even if we ignore the fact that a tea which has the consistency of coffee grounds has a lot more surface area than loose leaf (and thus will produce a much stronger brew), I used almost 3 times as much tea as I was supposed to, and brewed it for about ten times as long. in conclusion,
status update: good news is I'm still alive and the heart palpitations have mostly stopped! bad news is it's nearly 9PM and I am still w i r e d. it's drizzling but I might go for a walk to try and burn some of it off. time is moving incorrectly. I somehow still have not put away the laundry
here's a better picture of the demon tea from directly underneath the light fixture so you can more easily see the nothing through it:
it looks like the west coast sunsets I used to get
instead of either having a server be muted or unmuted discord should introduce a setting called special princess mode where the server is muted except ☝🏽 for one person that is your special princess and the emoji0oo990op09iop09i8o09i8op09iolp-09op-0opyujiko8o9i8ukol9iukolp9i8uki sorry. i got a drop of oil on my keyboard bc i was eating hummus with a little bit of olive oil earlier and i was cleaning that off. anyway and the notification icon is a heart. and they have to to call it that.
writing fanfics has made me go out of my way to learn things and do deep research in ways no colleges, exams, jobs or other projects ever could. yes, it’s a hobby. but it’s also my love and passion. next time you say “fanfics are an unserious activity for kids”, I will actually bite you. no ma’am, while kids certainly can enjoy writing fanfics, it’s sleep-deprived adults — with jobs and responsibilities, bills to pay, kids to raise, animals to take care of, battles to fight — who have built the fanfic community and always been the backbone of it since day one.
we simply do not give enough attention to the fact that the US is. Shooting itself in the foot at every turn. not in a individual incompetence way, not an an orange idiot in the White House Way, but in a “the US spent a century designing a world order where everyone was either reliant on the US or terrified of the US (often both) and now people at every level of federal government are destroying that system” way. While USAID very much did in fact contribute to like, food and medicine and whatever to people in need around the globe, this was not out of the kindness of American hearts, this is an arm of liberal empire. the carrot so to speak. and as for the stick, the point of having a military the size of the US military is not to use it. It’s to park on peoples lawns until they stand down. when you use it, and then lose, or deliver anything other than immediate and crushing defeat, you illustrate to the people whose lawn you’re parked on that spending billions of dollars isn’t enough to win a war necessarily. Iran could have closed the strait at any point, but they didnt bc the USA would bomb the shit out of them. When they get bombed first, there’s no reason not to close the strait. The US played its hand and it came up wanting. this is to say nothing of the damage to alliances with other liberal democratic countries. the people currently in power swallowed USA propaganda hook line and sinker, believed in it so completely, that theyre shaking the foundation of what lent that propaganda its believability. to say nothing of the fact that their aims are despicable, their methods are just. an embarrassment to empire building. they took a perfectly good empire and started lopping shit off. they’re trying to increase the output of a machine by ripping cogs out of its still-running engine.
this started as two separate ideas, but I decided to tie them together with an invisible string hehe (also, i have like the same 3 plots turning in my head at all times apparently...)
full disclosure this is not a fic, but it is 2,634 words of me rambling about some semblance of a plot (i don't know how i feel that the longest fic I have written was only 2,525 words lmaoo anyway)
under the cut is what came of me thinking of Tommy with an OnlyFans and Buck having his own line of sex toys (still largely within canon though, they are still both firefighters) okay, let's proceed...
In college, Buck has sex with a woman that tells him she wishes his dick was available 24/7 which is, to Buck...just as affirming as it degrading (he's more than just his body parts...isn't he?). Her words stay with him longer than their "relationship"
and when he starts having sex with the founder of some sex positive club on campus (let's call her Jodie), he learns a lot about safe sex and even more about sex toys and he finds out that you can make a dildo clone of your cock (maybe Jodie asks him to make one to add to her collection 🤭) and so Buck makes one and with Buck's permission, Jodie uses it in a presentation on having sex with a partner who has a big dick (or something idk) and pretty much every one in attendance is asking where they can buy that dildo (bc not only is it big, but it's aesthetically pleasing) and Jodie has to tell them, sorry that one's actually homemade (lol) and not for sale, and then Buck's like ☝️but it could be...
and so they start a legit business selling Buck's cock (Buck likes to joke that he's fucked half the people on campus).
Once he leaves/is asked to leave college and decides to start travelling, he keeps the mold and 1 dildo, even if he doesn't find solo play quite as satisfying as it was when Jodie pegged him with it
flash forward to being new to LA and he attends Pride with Connor and co and he runs into Jodie; they talk a bit and agree to meet up later. When he tells her he's thinking about joining the fire academy, she just smirks and says, "not surprised, with that firehose..." (they have really hot reunion sex about it)
Jodie says something about how, of all the niche markets, there's a lack of firefighter related paraphernalia and Buck--mostly joking--asks if she's still in the business of selling sex toys; she's not, but she does run a pretty popular sex-ed company & website that does reviews and she could hook Buck up with someone if he wants to get back into the business of it
It doesn't take long for Buck to take her up on her offer and now he's got his own line of sex toys with a very big company and they're all cleverly crafted around the firefighting theme, including the Firehose™️— a squirting dildo crafted after his own cock (it's definitely their bestseller).
***
It's around 2016 and Tommy's scrolling through Instagram when he sees a fire safety video from the LAFD page (and he recognizes a few of the guys in it) and then he sees a comment that says 'I'd pay good money to see them do this shirtless' and Tommy thinks yeah, me too (and that might be as close as he's ever come to admitting something like that, even if only in his head), but then he thinks…I wonder if people actually would pay to see someone, specifically him…he's been thinking more and more about getting back in the sky and those required flight hours aren't going to pay for themselves…
so he starts an OnlyFans and it turns out that people do pay good money to watch him nerd out about fire science and fire safety while shirtless. He gradually gets more comfortable and gets feedback from the comments that he incorporates…he oils his body and wears an open turnout jacket or just turnout pants and suspenders (that sit low enough to see dick root)
***
Prior to Buck deciding to join the fire academy, a small fire breaks out at the house and they have to call 911 and it ends up being not a big deal and easily dealt with but they all get a mini lecture that Buck's clearly too high for because he barely comprehends a word the guy says; he bristles at the guy's condescending tone but for some reason he can't stop staring at his chin.
after, Buck goes to his room and definitely does not think about the way he was already half-hard before firefighter Kinard the firefighters left. he's still got adrenaline in his veins from the incident and he's horny from smoking weed and that's all it is. he jerks off and doesn't think about strong jawlines or cupid bows or cleft chins.
after, Buck feels guilty for not actually taking in any of what he's sure was an important lesson in fire safety and so he Googles it and Tommy's OF is one of the top hits and Buck doesn't think about it, he just clicks and this guy has tons of followers and quite a few videos and Buck starts with the very first one and man, he must still be pretty high because this guy sounds a lot like his firefighter Kinard [tommy never shows his face in the videos]. He subscribes to the hightest tier and spends the rest of the day watching all of Driptorch's fire safety videos and ignores the way his insides feel.
Buck applies for the academy the next day. As he prepares for the FCA, he tells himself that watching all of Driptorch's fire science videos is for educational purposes and after he's gotten through them all, he wonders if it would be weird to message the guy for advice about the academy (his profile doesn't say he's a firefighter, but Buck assumes that's for plausible deniability, he does cite credentials in fire science, etc and Buck assumes he's at least gone through the academy even if he's not an active firefighter…but going by his build, Buck assumes he's probably that too…)
[at this point, any money Buck's been making with his sex toys has pretty much been gone to Tommy's OF]
Buck reaches out and Driptorch (you can call me 'T') tells him to send a list of questions/concerns Buck has and so he does and T…sends Buck a private video(!!) answering all his questions and he isn't in his usual half turnouts, but he is shirtless (of course) and wearing sweat pants (and clearly no boxers or briefs) and he appears to be in bed and it makes Buck's stomach clench in a pleasant way (and he tells himself it's the illusion of familiarity, and doesn't question it further). If he watches it a few more times, it's just to make sure he understood everything)
Buck makes into the academy and when he tells T, he's offered a congratulations and a discounted subscription. There's that feeling again…busy with the academy, Buck deletes the app (but stays subscribed) and doesn't think about it or T (much) after that
He gets placed at the 118 and is briefly embarrassed that it's the same firefighters that responded to the fire at his house a year ago. but they don't give him too much shit about it. He looks around, but doesn't see firefighter Kinard. He gets a few weird looks and raised eyebrows when he asks about the guy with the cleft (for some reason he thought that would be less revealing then admitting he remembered the guy's name from when he peeped it on the back of his turnouts—when he was definitely not trying to check out his ass). They tell him the guy's name is Tommy and that he just transferred to Harbor, where he's now a firefighter pilot and Buck is actually his replacement and wow, that guy sounds so cool…
***
It's been a few years since Tommy started his OF and after he was able to completely pay for the flight hours he needed to complete training—and a bunch more just for fun (he seriously owes user FireHose free flying lessons if they ever meet, the guy was Tommy's #1 supporter)—he starts to set his sights higher…he wants to own a helicopter of his own. He finally decides to give the people what they really want…him naked.
What starts out as amateur naked photo shoots turns into jerk-off sessions (sometimes in turnouts, sometimes not) which turns into sessions with toys after somebody recommends the Firehose™️to him. He tries it first on his own in private and he wants to kiss the person who sent him the link because goddamn does it feel like the dildo was made specifically for him…
Tommy deals with firehoses on a near daily basis, there's no reason the name should make him think of his FireHose but it does and—he hates to admit that he has a bit of a crush despite having only a few exchanges with the guy, despite the comments on Tommy's videos from him being in a tone of almost…clinical interest—and so he thinks of him when he's fucking himself with the dildo, but of course he doesn't know what FireHose looks or even sounds like and naturally his brain wants a face, a voice, to put to the name and without his permission, really, he thinks of the guy from the call a year ago—the one with the bright blue eyes, long legs, plush mouth, the pink splotches framing his cockily raised eyebrow…Tommy comes harder and quicker and louder than he ever has in his life.
When he records the first video of him with the dildo, he imagines FireHose™️watching it.
He's disappointed when he gets no reaction to the video from him, but he's never stopped subscribing, so it gives Tommy…hope? He doesn't want to label it.
***
Buck receives a much larger deposit from the sex toy company (he's pretty hands-off, so to speak, and no new products have been added to the line since almost its inception) and he looks at the sales and while the Firehose™️has always been one of the top sellers, the sales have more than tripled since last month. He texts Jodie and asks if there's some secret firefighter calendar that he doesn't know about that was just released. She laugh reacts and sends him a link to a familiar OF account…
and okay, wow…Driptorch's—T's—channel has changed a lot since Buck has been off the app. Apparently he's doing legit porn now. With a dildo clone of Buck's cock…
Buck sets his phone down and picks it up again…several times over. He's curious, of course he is. He doesn't know what the squirmy, restless feeling in his stomach means. Of course he's always been nebulously aware that people of all gender identities and sexual orientations use his sex toys, but it's one thing to know that (and even take pride in it) and another to actually watch a man—this man—use it on camera.
Buck watches porn—he's watched plenty of porn—but there's always been a woman in the video. Okay, there's usually a woman in the video…sometimes he's watched two men get off together. But, there was something so much more vulnerable (for him? for T?) to watch just one man get off…
Buck's half-hard before he even presses play.
He comes twice before T's come even once.
So, it turns out…Buck really likes watching T get himself off with his dildo. But maybe that's all it is, Buck's projecting or something.
He watches all of the previous videos too—the ones where T's jerking off wearing turnouts, the ones where he's wearing a collar attached to nipple clamps (Buck saves that one for later)—and maybe…yeah, it's probably safe to say Buck's really into it, into T at the very least, maybe into men in genera
Buck messages T. He means to say that he has an in if T's interested in some sort of partnership; even if it's just more toys, lube, etc in exchange for a glowing review on their website [he doesn't know Tommy's already left a review anyway], but what he ends up asking is if T wants to partner with the real thing
Immediately after sending Buck wants to delete the message and his account and possibly move across the country even though T doesn't even know his identity, but then he gets a reply: so your username isn't just a coincidence…
Buck's heart is in his throat the whole time, but they make small talk and flirt and Tommy admits he's hesitant to agree to making a video with somebody who's never done it before, who's never been with a man before…but they agree to meet in person, to get coffee and to work things out…they agree on a place and date/time and tell each other what they'll be wearing
Buck gets there first and he's got their coffees (he asked T for his order) and he wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans as he sits. It's a nice day, sunny and warm but with a cool breeze, and he looks up when he sees somebody walking his way, wearing dark denim jeans, a gray Henley, and blue hoodie—just like T said. The sound Buck makes is half sigh, half laugh, as the breath whooshes out of his lungs. He—of course he wouldn't have known to expect firefighter Kinard, to expect Tommy, but it's like some part of him did anyway. Tommy stops at the table, hands on the back of the empty chair across from Buck's and Buck says, "oh. it's you."
"Oh, it's you." Tommy shakes his head and laughs. "The firestarter became a firefighter—"
Buck flails his hands, nearly knocking over his coffee. "I didn't start that fire!" He rubs the back of his neck. "I—uh—maybe sort of became a firefighter because of you."
Tommy smiles, his eyes crinkling, before his expression switches back to something more neutral. His eyebrow furrows the tiniest bit, and he says exactly what Buck was thinking himself. "You remembered me?"
Buck gestures for Tommy and as Tommy's pulling out the chair to sit, Buck makes some vague comment about the fire safety speech Tommy gave inspiring him.
Tommy raises his eyebrows and hums. "What part exactly?"
Buck ducks his head, his face flushing. Of course Tommy would know Buck hadn't retained the words.
They finally introduce themselves and Buck tells Tommy about taking his place at the 118. He asks Tommy how to got into firefighting and flying helicopters and OnlyFans and Tommy asks what brought Buck to LA and how he got into selling replicas of his dick.
They stay long enough for another two coffees and finally some water, the sun starting to set and the outside patio getting less and less crowded.
They leave with each other's phone numbers and a date on Saturday and they spend so much time making out against Buck's jeep that he almost convinces Tommy to climb in the backseat with him so he can get them both off. But Tommy just gives Buck one last, lingering kiss and tells him they've got time and that he'll see him in a couple of days.
Buck has to sit in his jeep for a full ten minutes waiting for his dick to soften and he drives back home in a daze, but when he's lying in bed that night, he touches his fingers to his lips—still tingling somehow—and it hits him…he had his first kiss with a man, with Tommy and he's grateful Tommy decided to take it slow.
Now, Saturday on the other hand—
Buck and Tommy—FireHose and Driptorch—do end up posting content together and they're a massive hit. Buck starts posting some solo content as well.
Tommy's priorities change from getting a helicopter to buying a bigger house for two, but Buck still gets his free flying lessons.
BuckTommy AU set around season 2 where they both attend the same gym and Buck Notices Tommy but because he has no idea that he’s bi yet he’s convinced he’s just super jealous
He becomes kind of competitive about his “gym rival” and is always trying to compete over how much Tommy is lifting or how fast he is running
Tommy has definitely noticed Buck Noticing him and is kind of charmed by the whole thing, he entertains it for a while, making the odd bitchy comment that spurs Buck to work out even harder and then eventually starts to engage Buck in friendly conversation
Buck practically starts wagging his metaphorical tail bc Tommy-from-the-gym is so Cool and it turns out he’s a firefighter PILOT of all things so they bond over the job and the shared connection to the 118, and suddenly they’re texting all the time too
They continue to work out together and maybe spar together because Tommy knows Muay Thai and offers to show Evan a few things, giving Buck some clarity on the new Feelings he’s having after getting up close and sweaty with Tommy, and maybe they have an almost-kiss moment
Then the ladder truck happens and Tommy sees it on the news.
Nobody calls him, because why would they? He’s Evan’s presumed-hetero-casual-gym-buddy. Doesn’t matter that his heart felt like it was being dragged out of his chest watching Buck scream in agony while citizens lifted the truck off of him
And plus, what are they really to each other? Yeah, they text all the time and they have their regular gym sessions but Evan has a girlfriend (even though he made a point to mention it’s “not like, serious or anything” but then he had mentioned they had looked at apartments? Together? What does that MEAN Evan)
And yes they might have had a moment after their sparring match where their faces got kind of close and it seemed like anything could have happened but it Didn’t because Evan has a girlfriend and Tommy respects that
Buck texts him from the hospital when he’s still kind of loopy from the drugs and his first text is something like “🚒🦵❌” which makes Tommy freak out for a second because he thinks they’ve amputated his leg, so he calls and they talk and Evan is so clearly out of it but mentions Ali came to see him. Tommy tells him to rest and they can talk more when he gets home
By now he’s fully convinced that maybe actually he just imagined the chemistry between them and he’s done the stupid thing and developed a crush on a straight guy, but Evan is his friend and he just got out of hospital after a fucking truck fell on his leg so Tommy is gonna suck it up and go see him
Except the Evan who hobbles to the door looks absolutely wretched, blotchy faced and teary eyed.
It all comes bursting out of Buck- Ali dumped him and that his future as a firefighter is still uncertain
“- and you didn’t come see me in the hospital and I missed you and I don’t understand it but I miss you like all the time and I thought maybe that time you were gonna kiss me and then you didn’t and thats good because I had a girlfriend then but I was disappointed and I guess a terrible boyfriend for that but now you’re never gonna kiss me because who wants a guy with probably no future job and a leg that got pancaked by a truck-”
Not trying to victim blame or anything but you’d think with all the times necromancers have tried/succeeded in raising undead armies the people of Tamriel would’ve stopped burying their dead fully armed and equipped for battle.
Like, I know your great grandpa’s sword was A Part Of Him and all but maybe you could bury SuperDeathblade somewhere not right next to SuperDeathbladeMan. Just in case.
oh, what, so he can get his ass kicked when he inevitably gets raised from the dead?? you want to make great grandpa into a loser? a chump?? if his corpse is going to be puppeteered into battle by a sick and twisted sorcerer then by the nine he is going to do it well
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