im writing this here cause this is a rlly old inactive acc and i dont think anyone will see this but i wanna write something somewhere.
im feel so awful rn and i dont know who or how to talk abt this. the most recent thing that set me off was after finally hanging out w one of my friends in weeks. i invited her to watch barbie w me (which was absolutely amazing btw) and she asked if she could invite her gf and i ofc said yes. she later invited another one of her friends too to join us after. i love this friend but sometimes she just teases in all the wrong ways. thats not even the issue though her and the two others are all chinese and native chinese speakers. at the beginning it was fine as i got alone w both her and the other friend separately fine. but in a group context eventually they just started speaking more and more in chinese to the point where 90% of the convos were in it. it just feels sad feeling so on the outside like even when ppl are speaking in a language i know i sometimes struggle to join in cause i just suck at it unless im close to all of them. idk im so sick of constantly feeling like im on the outside of some group no matter where i am and i know my friends dont mean to do it, it’s just easier for them to speak in their native language. but it just sucks that they have to sometimes think hard to notice my presence to speak in english to include me. idk i just got home and immediately started sobbing and my ice cream has melted and my mascara looks like shit. i might just be feeling this way now cause i just got on birth control but i’ve always felt some sort of loneliness and now it’s like it’s amplified so much more.
