[nyahbobina]

amma + skating 2/2

[clytemnestraaa]

the reason i know rose is insane is because of her reaction to shane attempting to crawl inside her pussy and barricade the door like there is no reasonable normal person explanation for her to be SO excessively nice about being used as the pocket closet. she’s collecting gay men loyal to her cause for some nefarious purpose.

[fractally]

Ok the thing with the JJ crush on Shane is like. On the one hand it feels fanservicey and annoying to me to have EVERYONE crushing on Shane. Feels unrealistic.

But my favorite Of All time JJ fic is nothing makes me feel as good by bitterbloodyorange which I think delves into this in a realistic way.

It digs into the weird psychosexual side of the whole captain thing and how the Voyageurs would be so bonded to Shane in such a weird and complex way. Their lives DO revolve around Shane Hollander. He IS the person they think about the most from day to day. The entire Voyageurs would be locked into this constant weird cycle of admiration and respect and fear and love for Shane and I just think when the human brain crosses that many wires sex ends up in there too. I would bet every rookie on the Voyageurs has a Shane sex dream at SOME point it's like a rite of passage.

Also both Hayden and JJ have weird fucked up specific relationships with Shane. Hayden is Shane's winger who's been molded since the draft to be Shane's left arm. Whereas JJ is Shane's defender and takes his hits. They're like his mecha suit. They're extensions of Shane's person. JJ goes home at night and looks at the brusies he's gotten that were intended for Shane and his brain blurs the line between Shane's body and his.

[owlsundermybed]

#heated rivalry#shane hollander#jj boiziau#i think way later in life somehow shane and jj wind up tripping together#i don't know shane is curious and wants ilya to trip sit and jj is like i'll do it with you capitaine#anyway i think the whole strange 'hayden and jj are physical extensions of shane' thing gets hashed out then#they're both like watching the walls melt and jj is like#shane. i am you. in a way. i was you. for a decade. and shane's like. what.

[perlukafarinn]

Crack canon divergent AU where the Montreal Metros become super queer friendly sometime around 2015. I'm picturing one of the players having a brother who gets engaged to a man and only finding out about his sexuality then. When he asks his brother about it, the brother tells him he wasn't sure he'd take it well what with being a hockey player and using slurs and all.

This unnamed player - let's call him Fred, just because - is devastated. He used to be so close to his brother when they were young and now he's finding out this is what's been driving a wedge between them for all these years and he can't even be angry about it because his brother was right to be careful.

Fred brings this up to the other Metros and most of them give a halfhearted "that sucks dude" but he digs his heels in and says no, this needs to change, some of you probably also have gay relatives or friends who do not trust you. "In fact," Fred says, "I looked it up and something like 1 in 10 people are gay so there's probably a gay guy or two on this team and he or they don't feel safe to come out!"

And the others immediately protest, like gay guys don't play hockey don't be stupid!! And if they did, what the fuck, why wouldn't he tell us, he's probably watching us in the showers!! And Fred goes this is why he wouldn't tell us.

(Shane's listening to all of this quietly disassociating, wishing he were anywhere else.)

Anyway there's a lot of arguing and stupid comments, but eventually most of them concede that yeah if there's a gay guy on the team, he's got good reasons not to come out and maybe we should make this a more comfortable space because that kind of stress can't be good for our hypothetically gay teammate's playing.

(Shane's playing is fine, thank you very fucking much.)

It takes a few weeks but with Fred pushing and a few more open-minded and well meaning Metros joining in, the team culture starts to slowly change. One of them tells his majoring-in-gender-studies girlfriend about the effort and she super excitedly puts together a beginner friendly power point presentation to introduce them to some queer history and lingo.

Then someone has the bright idea to do "gay activities" once a month together, like watching Brokeback Mountain and going to drag brunch and of course, eventually, inevitably, a gay bar.

Shane gets himself out of every single event because sitting around with his straight teammates doing gay shit sounds like a fucking nightmare like he just wants to play hockey and suck cock, not have to learn about whatever the hell tucking is.

His teammates notice Shane's reluctance to join and it comes to a head while they're in Boston and want to hit a gay bar after a game for their monthly mandatory gay outing because of fucking course they do. Shane refuses to join and one of the Metros goes "Well maybe our gay teammate hasn't come out yet because he knows his Captain won't support him??" So now Shane has to go or he is officially labeled a homophobe.

He lets Ilya know he can't come over to fuck because he has to go to a gay bar with his team. And Ilya, who has heard about the Metros' gay initiative and thinks it's hilarious how annoyed Shane is with the whole thing, suggests to the Raiders that they join the Metros to show that they're gay friendly too and his teammates are a little weirded out but ultimately surprisingly cool with it.

Of course Shane is pissed once Ilya shows up with his buddies looking so self-satisfied and smug and gorgeous, and this is Shane's one chance to get fucked for the next two months and instead he has to spend the evening watching Drapeau and Olsson do unicorn shots??

He gets up to leave and his teammates start protesting like "come on man, you promised you'd be cool" and "wow you're actually a homophobe, aren't you? smh we thought you were better". And Ilya and the other Raiders are watching the whole thing go down and Shane fucking snaps.

"You all talk a big game but would you actually be okay with a gay guy in the locker room?"

And his teammates are outraged like yes obviously!!

"A guy who gets fucked other guys? Could you look at him and know he's sucked cock and still respect him the same as your straight teammates?"

And maybe this question would have made the Metros uncomfortable earlier in the year but they are enlightened now and offended that Shane would even ask! Honestly, you're looking more and more homophobic dude (Hayden is on the verge of tears).

"Okay, what if he was hooking up with a player on another team? 'Cause that would never be an issue with a straight player."

And the Metros would have to take a moment to think because yeah, that's a possibility they hadn't considered. But! one of them points out, guys play against their brothers and friends all the time, and no one has an issue with that. If a gay player had to play against his lover (Shane's eye twitches dangerously), he wouldn't let that affect his game any more than straight players do playing against their loved ones.

In fact, there's something kinda romantic about it now that they think about it. Like Romeo and Juliet with hockey!

Now Shane glances at Ilya, who no longer looks amused.

"So you guys really are fine with all of that?"

The Metros agree enthusiastically, fired up and proud at what good allies they're being.

"Okay. Well. I'm gay, and I've been hooking up with a player on another team since rookie year."

The group falls silent. Shane stares them down, silently freaking out, because did he just annoyed into coming out??

"Who?" one of the Metros finally asks. Another elbows him.

"Dude, you can't ask that."

"But you don't like any gay stuff!" another Metro protests.

"I like sucking cock," Shane deadpans. "Is that gay enough for you?"

And fair enough, the Metros have to admit, that is pretty gay.

No one stops Shane when he tries to leave this time, though Hayden does chase him outside to tell him how proud he is of him, and Shane just gives a flat okay and jumps into the nearest taxi.

(And if none of the Metros or Raiders notice Ilya disappear pretty quickly after that, well, they're not the smartest.)

[perlukafarinn]

The Metros can not stop wondering about Shane's secret gay lover.

Analyzing the data gives them zero hints about what team he's on which on the one hand, good, that means it doesn't affect Shane's game, but it also bad, because it makes it so much more difficult for them to speculate.

They make a list of suspects and sure, speculating on a stranger's sexuality isn't very good allyship, but also have you considered that they're curious?? Besides, this info will never leave the locker room.

The info immediately leaves the locker room.

See, while the Metros have had their crash course in allyship the Raiders did not and the news of Shane's impromptu coming out have spread like wildfire across the league thanks to their gossiping asses. This is Shane's worst nightmare, obviously, but this is a crack AU and not angst, so all things considered it doesn't go too badly.

There are homophobic reactions but mostly people are shocked, and a good percentage of the league is suddenly wondering if sucking cock actually makes you better at hockey?

Anyway, back to the Metros' list of suspects. They write them down in the groupchat, which gets screenshotted and sent around to curious partners (they're still learning), and then obviously further leaked until half the hockey world has seen them.

Mostly, it's a list of guys that a bunch of straight hockey players consider hot, shifted around to account for what they think is Shane's personal taste.

Which is how Shane's number one rival Ilya Rozanov, despite his undeniable hotness, only barely snags spot number eight.

Scott Hunter is the second most popular guess.

Ilya is going insane.

Shane suggests cooling down their situationship to keep Ilya safe from speculation but Ilya goes fully in the other direction, making daytrips to Montreal and booking hotel rooms in Vermont to entice Shane into meeting halfway. He starts leaving visible marks on him, now that Shane is out not just as gay but as a Guy Who Fucks. He seduces Shane into having phone sex whenever the Metros play the Admirals, just in case Shane feels the least bit tempted.

(Scott actually goes up to Shane before a game to offer his support since he's been outed and covertly suggest he's not alone. Shane does not pick up the subtext at all.)

Tuna melt day happens only it's Ilya more overtly doing the boyfriend audition and straight up telling Shane I know you're out and I'm not but I'm working on it, as soon as it's safe (because of the Russia of it all) I can be with you for real! If you want🥺🥺 and Shane goes I don't even want to be out, I don't care if we can't be public, I actually prefer it to be private because my entire life is a circus show right now and I want one thing that's just mine and then they have a bunch of sex about it and emerge as boyfriends.

Fast forward to the 2017 Stanley Cup and the Skip kiss happening on ice and the Metros group chat explodes.

Scott Hunter gets moved to the top spot and also labeled as enemy number one because what do you mean he jerked our Captain around for seven years and then kissed another guy on the ice????

Shane leaves them on read because he is not dealing with this shit in his off season.

[cavarage]

SHARP OBJECTS ✂︎ episode 1, vanish.

[galacticsabc]

a series of really dumb doodles

[bramblepatch]

Grace explaining sheepishly to Eridian linguists that the reason he uses different pronouns for Rocky than for the rest of the population is that he reflexively defaulted to assigning Rocky the same grammatical and social gender that he himself uses, in a way that has historical precedent but in modern English is considered somewhat chauvinistic and backward, and he's not proud of it but also the habit is pretty deeply ingrained now and unless Rocky objects it's probably easier to just keep on as he has been...

and immediately being informed lol. lmao. do not even worry about it. you have no idea what kind of buck wild grammatical constructs Rocky has invented for you. everyone else addresses you as foreigner/scholar. they're somehow managing to refer to you as their sibling, ward, and semidivine culture hero at the same time every time they talk about you.

[savsonfire]

Project hail mary thoughts.

As funny as it is that rocky sees grace and complains about grace and humans in general as a terribly inefficient blob of water and fluids and teases constantly...

I REALLY think this should be a relatively rocky-exclusive perspective. He's watched this incredibly stressed human drip all kinds of tears and goos while they were floating around in space, and grace let down basically all of his guard around rocky personally, have discussed and understood eachother over life threatening missions. To Rocky, grace is Grace!

But grace does have some naturally combative push to him (see, the commentary that got him stonewalled in the scientific community in the first place, and being able to keep up with and handle Eva stratt) and further more, when an eridian is Not Rocky, i.e. not incredibly socially withdrawn and traumatized and maybe on their own spectrum of divergence before his ill fated mission and was very susceptible to latching onto a strange and unusual creature in just as much crisis as him...

That is to say. The eridians are going to meet grace with wildly different priorities and expectations. And what they're going to get is a human dangerously close to deaths door, and cornered and dying humans aren't always the most friendly or cooperative and friendly, even the Nicest Humans You Can Get.

So they get a dying human. And as tumblr loves to say, humans are terrifying to aliens, and fuck do they persist. Rocky's so-described "pathetic space blob" grace is terrifying to most eridians, especially the scientists studying him.

He drinks solvent and breaths combustion. Instead of simply dying when his body runs out of nutrients and calorie stores, it has begun to Digest Itself. His body is pumping chemicals they do not understand and every chemistry panel they run shows new levels of new chemicals and hormones. The human body replaces most of its cells constantly because even breathing, especially at a higher atmospheric pressure, is destroying their own lungs.

This thing "hears" things they cannot comprehend and he is unable to describe beyond "color" and "brightness" which are things you can not contextualize, and calls the strangest things beautiful. It has no entirely discernable traits you can understand ecologically as a predator- no armor, no weapons- and yet it eats meat and that is one of the many nutrients it needs to survive. You as a resident of erid do not have many creatures with "eyes" and so have no idea that the strongest mark of a predator is neither claw nor fang, but forward facing eyes, all the better to catch your prey, to meet a foe head on and fearless. You just know it "sees" and that it eats meat, and many other complicated things.

And in place of not receiving all those nutrients, it's body will litterally digest itself and keep going without them. Oh, this new chemical in it's latest blood panel allows it to ignore it's own pain to the point it won't realize it's injured. It can wake up from a dead sleep if you are too loud or too "brightness" around it. It speaks in an archaic graveling noise and is capable of imitating the strangest things, including a haunting near-vocalization of the eridani language of its own, which it calls "singing" and it does this at the strangest of times, when happy and when nervous. It is neither fast nor slow, but over time and observation, you realize this strange towering bipedal creature expends an entirely minimal amount of energy to walk, a process of controlled falling turned mobilization. You hypothesize that for lack of predatory weaponry like claws or sharp teeth, this thing simply evolved to follow you. To "see" you with it's forward facing eyes even in total stillness, total silence, and follow for as long as it takes: it won't spend much energy, and it won't starve waiting for you to exhaust. It'll start digesting *itself* while waiting for it's prey to lay down and have to sleep. It will "watch" you sleep with "eyes." You cannot wake up the way it can, and it will eventually catch up to you.

Also sometimes it cries excess amounts of saline rich solvent when you compliment it's latest research paper. Rocky calls him an idiot and the overseeing eridian scientists watch on with a sense of morbid eldrich horror. Right, right, just a "leaky space blob", sure.

They're kind of terrified of the future delegations with this planet. They litterally get to space by explosion. Not only are they scary- they're INSANE. And they're told the one they have is "a push over".

[mercyandmountainwater]

the idea of the people of earth thinking that the Bloodymary Hail Mary logs are a horror story.

We send three people to space and two of them die and one of them’s alive. He has amnesia. He meets an alien rock spider and saves the earth and that’s all weird but mostly in the realm of possibility.

Except there’s someone in the background. It can’t be human. There’s no way that a human could find themselves that deep in space without people knowing so it’s either resembling a human by some strange coincidence or it looks like a human on purpose.

This not-human thing never shows its face. Everyone and then you see something that looks just off and people claim they see folks or tree bark but it’s too far away and the camera is too bad to tell.

Grace acts like he’s human. Like there’s always been another human on the ship. The poor fool has no idea that there’s something wrong.

[questionablelightyagami]

"you're murdering me!"

[resetme]

When I was expecting with you, I thought you'd save me. I thought you'd love me, and then my mother would love me. Even from the beginning, you disobeyed. Wouldn't eat, like you were punishing me for being born. You made me feel like a fool, like a child. And now you come back here and all I can think is… (What? What, Mama?) You smell ripe.

SHARP OBJECTS (2018) 🦷 dir. Jean-Marc Vallée

[perlukafarinn]

hmm kind of want a childhood toxic best friends au where they're in love with each other and completely clueless about their own feelings and ilya keeps "stealing" girls shane says he's interested in by sleeping with them first.

and when shane finally does get a girlfriend when they're like eighteen, ilya seduces and fucks her. he thinks about shane the entire time and is absolutely furious with himself about it. he casually tells shane about it like a week later because as angry as he is at himself for doing something so terrible, he's equally angry at shane for making him feel this way and it makes him want to be cruel.

shane confronts his girlfriend about it and as she's tearfully apologizing to him, all he can think about is how jealous is of her. and he kind of wants to ask her what it felt like, getting fucked by ilya, and of course he hates himself so much for it that when she asks him to forgive her and take her back he says yes, just to punish all three of them.

[habitualfacepalmer]

AU about Yuna and David having a late life, brink-of-menopause-reproductive-last-hurrah oopsie baby when Shane is in World Juniors and how the balance of the Hollander family recalibrates to account for both Shane's baby brother and his professional hockey career, leading to a small but measurable amount of pressure to be taken off Shane's psyche by not being the only child but also kinda feeling adrift as so much attention goes to this new child who may be able to Perform Better than Shane (aka not be gay)

in this au this 9 year old is barging into the cottage after riding over on his bike to annoy Shane cuz he missed him on his stupid silent retreat why do you never wanna play w me

[habitualfacepalmer]

I have named him Chase

the media adores pictures of baby-faced Rookie Shane awkwardly holding an actual baby / his mini me when greeting his family after games

Chase adores Shane and seems to love hockey early on but really he's just feeding off the atmosphere, he has no clue what's going on

By the time Yuna and David strap him into skates, Chase is quickly discovering he has no actual interest in understanding what's happening on ice or taking part in it

Shane struggles even more so to relate to his supposed brother but also somewhat relieved that he doesn't have to worry about this kid coming up behind him in 15 years to be a better, more perfect hockey player and son, which is a feeling that Shane is very uncomfortable sitting with for long

by age 9, Chase is well and truly over hockey, resenting how much it seems to occupy Yuna and esp Shane

there are failed attempts at brother bonding sleepovers in Montreal when Shane isn't traveling but Chase never lasts the weekend without calling David

Chase likes basketball, it's what his friends play, it's more accessible, he and his friends can pick up and play just about anywhere, anytime

but he doesn't want to play it like Shane plays hockey and chafes at Yuna's attempts to foster his interests in it along those lines bc that's how Yuna shows her love

Chase just wants to goof off w his friends and have fun

He also likes Roblox and Minecraft, Steven Universe and Teen Titans Go, bike riding and his pet guinea pig

he likes so many things and feels like his brother isn't aware of or cares about any of them bc they aren't hockey (even tho Chase thinks his guinea pig and his brother have a lot in common)

Chase is boisterous and loud; he thumbs his nose at the media that cooed at his pudge ball self in Shane's arms, making a spectacle of his boredom and dissatisfaction at Montreal home games

Chase loves Shane but loudly proclaims his favorite hockey player is Ilya Rozanov, bc it's the only thing Chase has ever done that has gotten a big reaction out of his big brother

[habitualfacepalmer]

Chase's existence doesn't impact the trajectory of Hollanov too much because he spends 95% of his time in Ottawa with Yuna and David

2 key splits in the timestream, however:

Shane doesn't officially date Rose because shortly post-Tuna meltdown, Shane comes to terms with being gay more so on his own, having suffered a crisis over Chase being the more perfect "do-over" kid when Chase demonstrates a sincere crush on a girl in his class and come out the other side resigned to the fact that Shane can fulfill the star hockey athlete expectations as his parents' son while Chase (mind you, an 8 year old at this point) can eventually fulfill the heteronormative bring-home-a-nice-girl-and-give-their-parents-grandkids expectations. Rose still clocks Shane bc for all they hang out and the media is speculating, he is obviously not making a move, and Rose let's him know that's okay, offers to hook em up with Miles, etc. etc. Shane and Ilya are already in relationship limbo pre All Stars but All Stars is where Shane tries to hit the brakes on merely falling back into old patterns.

a 9 year old on a bike is much easier to chase down that an SUV. Like, Shane snatches Chase off that bike and Chase (who first felt a flush of boiling rage his tiny body could hardly contain that Shane's stupid silent retreat as an excuse to hang out and be friends with Chase's alleged favorite hockey player Rozanov, quickly followed by wave of shock and awe that his brother is kissing his favorite hockey player, mixed with relief that his brother isn't friends with Rozanov but boyfriends with Rozanov, and finally the gut-sinking realization that he's "in trouble" for what? he's not quite sure before bailing) is all squirmy and near in tears, promising simultaneously that he didn't see anything and that he won't tell. He means it, too. Chase wants to keep this secret for his brother, even if he doesn't completely grasp the gravity of it, because for him it's something they can finally share. Except, Shane realizes he can't ask his primary-school-aged little brother to keep this secret for him. He won't put Chase through that. So he sends him home on his bike while he talks (out a panic attack) with Ilya and they get dressed to drive over to the Hollander cottage down the road, arriving just when Chase has ditched his bike in the yard and is standing in the living room sobbing into David's arms but shaking his head refusing to explain anything as a confused Yuna watches through the window as Ilya Rozanov exits the passenger side of her elder son's JEEP.

[sexcondo]

toddler shane had a pet fish named puck

[bugslibraryy]

@hardlyhinged perfect tags

[hardlyhinged]

Tags via @martelldoran

[chernozemm]

Love the soft, curious moments of them sharing about their own cultures, biology, etc. I do think Rocky would have a field day when Grace explains skin as a very sensitive and permeable organ with lots of stuff packed tight on the surface. Since goosebumps are very tactile, I thought Rocky would enjoy hearing those.

Also, bonus.

Because it is endlessly entertaining to me to consider how deep in the trenches Rocky is.

[mina-logan]

I needed more toxic ragebaiter Ilya in my life

[dauphinofdaylight]

"You didn't disappear, no one disappears" made me well up with such sudden tears. Here is a young woman who died. And here is the journalist who wrote her obituary, who talked to her loved ones and would have heard how passionate vesper was. And nancy saw her, when she wrote her obituary. She saw her and she remembered her, and when she noticed vampire superheros pop up and one was named bat child she knew that that was the same bright young woman. God I love nancy danderhoof