So for no reason whatsoever (I’m lying it’s for the thirst traps, the thirst trap got me) I am watching every single cut scene from Final Fantasy VII Remake in marathon form. I have never in my life played the game as I was not one of the cool sexy children with a video game console, and so for most of my years on earth the franchise remained a distant, wistfully lovely, but inaccessible realm of culture, something cool popular kids all talked about while I watched forlorn and uninvited from outside. It is now the future however and I need not ever pick up a controller, reserving the use of my hands for eating cup ramens while I partake of the beautiful mens. The following is my stream of consciousness reportage of the experience. Join me, won’t you?
On today's exciting episode of final fantasy 7:
much more risqué than expected, and far, far more swearing. dopeXD
goofball team member annoys blond one referring to him familiarly as “bro.” Later takes bullet in the buttock in the line of duty. Blond one surprises us all with his sudden sentimentality stating, "listen, i'm really sorry about your ass"
“Best to keep a low profile” advises the character with a gatling gun for a hand
our heroes visit an all genders brothel where blond one gets an onscreen hand job. then they visit a burlesque house where the ostentatiously pansexual madame cross dresses blonde one but only after subjecting him to a disco dance off to prove his valour. a heart warming gender fluid moral is delivered. I’d have involved myself in this franchise 20 years ago had I but realized it was ¸„.-•~¹°”ˆ˜¨ 🎀 ~𝑔𝒶𝓎~ 🎀 ¨˜ˆ”°¹~•-.„¸
Somehow Gackt is involved in all this.
cloud strife preserves his virginity once again as a wonton plate armoured baddie pole dances his body, all while steering a motorcycle moving 400mph. impressive.
And here is your room. I trust you will find these accommodations adequate; please disregard the dementors.
blond one is solicited for sex, escapes. “sike!” declares his would be lover, recouping their shredded pride. later, I cry myself to sleep.
i for one want to hear more about the pizza.
depressive pixy protagonist has meet cute with manic pixy waifu. *Achievement Unlocked: New Ship*
Our heroes, virgins all and lacking the life experience to recognize the signs, enter a desolate industrial zone and stumble across what is clearly a rave, wreak havoc upon attendees
blond one afraid of ghosts
when do we get to meet sephirothXD
in the midst of a city scale industrial cataclysm, a previously and thereafter unintroduced anthropomorphic furry mascot careens out to the overlook of the highest skyscraper, where, outlined by the white hot glow of exploding fuel lines, flaming shrapnel, and incinerating infrastructure, he pounds his little anime fists against the grating and cries to the gods. did that just happen? did I imagine it? I don’t know, we’ve moved on.
“Careful, the roads are a mess” enunciates one character, surrounded 20 feet high on all sides by miles and miles of undifferentiated burning rubble
gatling gun hand man hugs infant daughter with gatling gun hand
There’s more cowboy shit in this universe than I was prepared for. This makes little sense until I remember I lived in Japan, and know well their cultural fascination with that foreign and exotic aspect of our culture. And, I always suspected, their aching jealously of these freewheeling fuck it all ronins of the Wild West, unencumbered by stifling systems of honour and shame. Just pow pow pow yippekayay mother fuckers and uninhibited dick swinging until the cows come home. So free.
Haaaaahahahahahahahahaha Ed Hardy sephiroth is named LeslieXD
oh no lesliiiiiiiiiiiie oh wait lol nvm he’s fine
“You can’t fall in love with me,” she whispers to him in the glow of the nocturnal garden. He winces. He asks if he gets a say in any of this, a cry in his voice, and by it we know it is too late. After a lifetime of cockblocking by the Japanese, the resulting nosebleed rams my skull backwards through a load bearing beam. Now I owe my landlord forty three hundred dollars.
Blond one and friends watch over corporate board meeting through ceiling ventilation grate the size of olympic swimming pool
evil corporate scientist is certified #Clerith
cast is joined by defunct Lion King animatronic turned emo scene kid who is also, at any given time, actively on fire
gatling gun hand man switches out gatling gun hand for Cold War era doomsday device hand
grizzled sentient Scar plushie full of esoteric fun facts
grim reapers prevent plot critical reveals by launching blend mode
had to rewind and rewatch long info dump on prophecy, gatling gun hand man then comments “I don’t give a shit about any of that,” and I agree
oh he can fly. ............................wait wut.
antogonist conveniently marks himself out for us by donning Celine Dion's 1994 winter collection
Wedge is the Samwise Gamgee in all this.
this is so completely off topic but that’s the sexiest elevator design I’ve ever seen
nice bike cloud, you fucking incel
blond one makes ostentatious entrance plummeting 8 stories off lobby mezzanine on 30,000 horsepower incel mobile. waifu arrives moments later in a sensible seafoam green honda pickup. which one of these people has had sex?
stand down, or i’ll motorcycle my sword at you
Gatling gun hand man and SPCA Tom Waits have heart warming bonding moment in the bed of Honda pickup
no no, dementors always mate in swarms. happens every spring.
this climax has gone on three pee breaks
to be fair, the last hour of *any* story is better when you replace it with the last hour of AkiraXD
Ok so my review. I regarded this franchise from afar as the choicest, most sublime, high design, acutely fappable eye candy money could buy. But, for a lifetime of gorgeous but vacuous anime consumption, never did I suspect there would be so much more behind these pretty sad leather clad 90’s j-twinks and their big big dumb awesome swords. Watching this game was so much more fun than I ever saw coming. As was the complexity of the characters, and the sheer and daunting pathos of their struggles. I’ve since watched Crisis Core also, and it hit me so hard I woke up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache. As a creator myself, looking back upon the polygons of the original and seeing the vivid, bustling, layered world brought forth from them is awe inspiring, and feel so tremendously heartwarmed for those who’ve waited half their lifetimes to revisit it in all its new dimensions. I don’t know if I’ll actually pick up another game controller in my life, but I’m much looking forward to the next instalmentXD
